Two daughters with BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello and Happy Holidays! I have two adult daughters with BPD. I thought things would get better for our relationship after they moved out of the house. Boy was I wrong! One daughter is pregnant and both daughters are very angry at me tonight because I won't pay for the abortion. My pregnant daughter is not yet 20 and told me tonight that she was out spending all her money on Christmas presents for all her friends and couldn't believe it when she asked me if I could loan her some money for her abortion and I told her no, that paying for an abortion is her responsibility. I did tell her that I would support her and her decision in any other way (take her to get the procedure, care for her afterwards, not make any judgments even though I am personally anti-abortion) but that I am not going to pay for the procedure. I am done rescuing her from her decisions. This is one decision that she and her boyfriend absolutely need to figure out themselves. Later this evening I get a call from my other daughter who is outraged that I won't give my pregnant daughter the abortion money. I am so frustrated and heartbroken right now so I realized I need a support group to help me process all of this. I mean, even if I did give her the money for the procedure I wouldn't be surprised if one day I got told that I "made her get an abortion" because I helped pay for it.  You just never know how things are going to be twisted with my girls!

Thanks for listening to me vent. This is so frustrating! I love my daughters so much but I am so tired of being the villain in their drama each time I won't give in to their every demand. I have set my limits so that I can be a good parent to the two children who are still in my home, and I know that I am doing the right thing. But it's still so hard to be told how "horrible" of a person I am because I won't do everything they want me to do.

[Vivienne V.]

Hello and Happy Holidays! I have two adult daughters with BPD. I thought things would get better for our relationship after they moved out of the house. Boy was I wrong! One daughter is pregnant and both daughters are very angry at me tonight because I won't pay for the abortion. My pregnant daughter is not yet 20 and told me tonight that she was out spending all her money on Christmas presents for all her friends and couldn't believe it when she asked me if I could loan her some money for her abortion and I told her no, that paying for an abortion is her responsibility. I did tell her that I would support her and her decision in any other way (take her to get the procedure, care for her afterwards, not make any judgments even though I am personally anti-abortion) but that I am not going to pay for the procedure. I am done rescuing her from her decisions. This is one decision that she and her boyfriend absolutely need to figure out themselves. Later this evening I get a call from my other daughter who is outraged that I won't give my pregnant daughter the abortion money. I am so frustrated and heartbroken right now so I realized I need a support group to help me process all of this. I mean, even if I did give her the money for the procedure I wouldn't be surprised if one day I got told that I "made her get an abortion" because I helped pay for it.  You just never know how things are going to be twisted with my girls!

Thanks for listening to me vent. This is so frustrating! I love my daughters so much but I am so tired of being the villain in their drama each time I won't give in to their every demand. I have set my limits so that I can be a good parent to the two children who are still in my home, and I know that I am doing the right thing. But it's still so hard to be told how "horrible" of a person I am because I won't do everything they want me to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hello VV,

What a serious subject to drop upon you on the verge of Christmas and the new year. 

The way you handled it with firm boundaries (backed up by your values, which sound like not enabling/rescuing, but still showing love) are correct. I would probably do the same. They sound like they are testing you (to rescue daughter 1 finanicially and emotionally-- passive aggressive?--- and daughter 2 emotionally because she's enmeshed and maybe feels like she's part of the "let's rebel against and test Mom" team.

How old is your other daughter, and has either been diagnosed with BPD, either in treatment, diagnosed or not?

It's sad that whatever happens, that she or they might accuse you of forcing her decision, even though you know that won't be true.

Turkish

[SoSoSoTired]

That sounds very familiar.  When I say no to my adopted BPD daughter, she manipulates her few friends to call and harass me about my decision.  There can never be any peaceful moments.  There must always be chaos.

BPD patients love to be a "victim".   If you pay for her abortion, next week (and possibly forever) she will accuse you of forcing her to get an abortion. 

[Vivienne V.]

Hello and thanks to both of you for your replies.  In answer to your question, yes - both girls have been diagnosed by multiple practitioners but neither will accept the diagnoses. Unfortunately, older daughter (age 25) "coaches" younger daughter in various ways to dismiss the diagnoses, telling her that they are "just fine" and that I am just a "crazy mom".  However, I have mostly accepted that this is their journey now since they are both adults, and all I need to do now is to be present and supportive to the extent of  my own limits and boundaries.

I truly appreciate the support and validation of my actions that I received from your comments. Parents of children with this illness have such a hard time of it! I have to be so firm and give such "tough love" that other family members and friends don't always understand my decisions and feel that I am being unreasonable or unloving towards my daughters. At the same time my second daughter was diagnosed with BPD and depression and had to spend some time in a treatment facility for suicidal ideations, my cousin's daughter (of a similar age) was diagnosed with a brain tumor and spent many months at St. Jude's. Both of our daughters were facing serious, life-threatening illnesses and yet the response from my extended family was wildly different. My family set up a web page for my cousin's daughter and it was filled with updates, good wishes, and offers of support: financial, food, babysitting, etc. There was not a web page set up for my daughter and there were no offers of support. Instead, I was treated as a pariah and with questions about what I had done to my daughter to cause her to be so depressed.

Around this time my daughter physically assaulted me (she was under the influence of the drug "spice" at the time) and I called the police on her because she hurt me pretty bad. At court, my mom and dad sat on the side of the courtroom with my ex-husband and they supported him in his attempts to take custody away from me because I had "obviously escalated my daughter into assaulting me" (their words) and was an "unfit mother". (My family attempted to engage in some major gaslighting throughout this ordeal!) When my daughter got out of jail, my family took her to get her nails done and bought her jewelry to help her cope with her "ordeal". At no time did anyone check to see if I was okay and to see if I need any support. At no time did anyone say to my daughter: "what in the hell were you thinking, punching your mother like that?" Meanwhile, my cousin and her daughter got to go to Hollywood to meet the stars at a St. Jude's function and they got everything paid for by donations and by St. Judes.  As for me, I cashed out my retirement and used it to stay home to provide my daughter (who was then 14 at the time) with the 24 hour supervision she needed just to stay clean, sober, and safe while still facing the ostracism of my family. (Even 4 years later I still do not have a relationship with my mom, dad, and sister because they can't believe I called the police on my daughter).

Do I sound bitter and sorry for myself? You bet I do! While I am in no way saying that my cousin and her daughter did not deserve the love and support they received (and thank goodness my cousin's daughter's cancer is gone!), what I am saying is that it is seriously messed up that mental illness is met with such skepticism, shame, and secrecy that I had to bear my daughter's life-threatening illness alone. More than alone - I had to constantly justify my decisions in trying to help her stay alive. My cousin and I were both facing life-and-death situations with our beloved daughters. Why didn't I get the same love and support that they received? Why did I have to lose my entire family over this? I can't even imagine someone asking my cousin: "well, why did your daughter get brain cancer? What did you do to cause it?" My own grandmother would post loving comments on my cousin's webpage but then would call me and tell me that I just needed to be more forgiving of my daughter and that would solve things (implying that my daughter's illness was somehow caused by me and/or that I had some power over the healing of it. Sheesh!)

I want to reiterate this again: my cousin and her daughter deserved ALL of the support they received!  AND I deserved that too... .

So I am not posting all of this just to have a pity party. I feel that it is important for me to share this story so that others who are just going through something similar now can see that they are not alone. Parents of children who have BPD not only have the burden of trying to help their children through a very difficult situation, they also have to fight all the other "well-meaning" friends and family members who have tons of advice about what we should do to "fix" the problem. These same people would never dare to offer to call an oncologist and give their opinion of how to "fix" a child's cancer! I feel that we all should share our stories and our outrage more, and start advocating for ourselves. We deserve the web pages; we deserve the gofundme pages; we deserve all the love and support that people would give to any other parent whose child is facing a serious illness!

Whew. Glad I got that off my chest. That has been festering for a while.

So, back to the topic. After I posted last night, I got on the resource pages and started reading about SET and radical acceptance and triangulation and it was all so very, very helpful! I spent some time reflecting upon what I read and this is what I did last night:

I texted my pregnant daughter and said "this must be a very scary time for you. I love you and am sorry that you have to go through this. Merry Christmas. Hope to see you tomorrow"  

I texted my oldest daughter and said "I'm sorry we had a fight. I love you. Merry Christmas."  

I tried to make these statements "centered" statements, as the information about triangulation advised. I hoped that they showed Sympathy and Empathy for my daughters (part of the SET). And, what do you know! Today I heard from both girls! No mention was made of the fight yesterday. My oldest daughter and I chatted happily for about ten minutes (which is VERY good for us!). My pregnant daughter actually came over to my house (only the second time in six months!) and we played Apples to Apples and Sorry and I got to love her and feed her and nurture her in a positive way. She only brought up the abortion one time and wanted to discuss it and I simply said "Would it be okay if we just table this topic for today and get back to it later in the week?"  To my surprise, she agreed! She and her boyfriend ended up staying for FOUR hours and we had a wonderful time together.

I just started crying as I typed that last sentence. I am so happy to have even one nice day with my daughter! I have begun my radical acceptance of my daughters and so found joy in the time I had with them today instead of focusing on all the drama and trauma that we have had in our past and are sure to have in our futures.

Thank you so much to everyone on this website! You made a difference in my family's life this week. You made a difference in my life and helped me through a difficult time last night and, with your guidance, gave me the chance to create a wonderful memory with my family today!

Now, tomorrow... .I'm sure the abortion topic will start anew, but I have spent time tonight in figuring out my boundaries, figuring out exactly what kind of support I can provide to my daughter, and in writing down centered statements that demonstrate SET to my beautiful girls. I feel more empathetic towards them today because of the nice day that we all shared.

Here are my limits (I want to write them down here so that I will be more accountable for sticking to them; I fully intend on reporting back here):

1.  I will not pay for the abortion

2. I will not call and make an appointment for the abortion, nor will I call my daughter to remind her to make an appointment (as she wants me to do). This is something she and her boyfriend need to take complete responsibility for, from beginning to end. If I rescue her this time, she will not learn and grow like she needs to do.

3. I will offer an ear if my daughter needs to talk things out. I will offer a shoulder to cry on. I will offer nurturing care after the procedure. I will offer sympathy and love.

4. If either of my daughters start to become verbally abusive to me, I will tell them: "I love you too much to argue this with you right now. I will talk to you when you are able to be kind and respectful to me" and then I will hang up the phone and only use text with them until they are able to be kind and respectful to me. I will take care of myself and be good to myself, because only then will I be able to provide the sympathy and empathy and loving support that my daughters will need from me.

5. I will recognize my triggers and will not allow myself to be pulled into a triangulation dynamic with my daughters. I will not take their hateful comments personally. I WILL SEPARATE THE BEHAVIOR FROM THE PERSON AND I WILL LOVE MY DAUGHTERS AND SIMPLY HATE THE BAD CHOICES THAT THEY MAKE.

Thank you to anyone who has read this far. It is so therapeutic to write this to people who understand what I am going through, because they are going through it, as well. No one can truly understand how difficult this is until they have gone through this journey. No one else understands how many times I've second-guessed myself and how alone I feel all the time. Looking forward to a new year filled with better interactions with my daughters thanks to this support forum!