Maintaining Dignity for BPD Husband in Aggravated Domestic Assault Case

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As far as the public defender, I keep trying to get a hold of her.  I talked to her yesterday, but she was so busy that she was going to call me back later in the afternoon, and never did.  I think she serves two or three counties, so I understand she is busy, but I am seriously nervous at this point.  Mom's letting me use her car so I can go get the police reports.

If you are schedule for trial this Friday the 8th - do I remember that correctly? - it's completely unacceptable that your attorney hasn't spoken with you yet.

My suggestion would be to go down to the courthouse and ask what your options are.  Tell them your attorney isn't talking to you and you can't possibly be ready for trial by Friday.

There may be several options available - a different public attorney, or a delay in the trial date, or maybe even the opportunity to talk with a judge or someone else about your case.

People get railroaded by the system because they are too passive.  From what you've said, I can understand that you want to avoid drama - we all do! - and you have extra reasons to look for ways to avoid excessive stress.  You'll have more options if you act before Friday than if you go in Friday and aren't fully prepared - which will take a lot of work by your lawyer.  Better to have a calm chat with someone at the court house today or tomorrow than a stressful situation Friday.

And I'll repeat... .maybe you know if this is correct or not... .it seems possible that what is planned for Friday isn't a "trial" exactly, but a pre-trial hearing or some other meeting that won't be final.  But you need to understand before Friday exactly what you're getting into;  it's by not fully understanding the process that we sometimes make mistakes that have bad consequences.

[Matt]

As far as the public defender, I keep trying to get a hold of her.  I talked to her yesterday, but she was so busy that she was going to call me back later in the afternoon, and never did.  I think she serves two or three counties, so I understand she is busy, but I am seriously nervous at this point.  Mom's letting me use her car so I can go get the police reports.

If you are schedule for trial this Friday the 8th - do I remember that correctly? - it's completely unacceptable that your attorney hasn't spoken with you yet.

My suggestion would be to go down to the courthouse and ask what your options are.  Tell them your attorney isn't talking to you and you can't possibly be ready for trial by Friday.

There may be several options available - a different public attorney, or a delay in the trial date, or maybe even the opportunity to talk with a judge or someone else about your case.

People get railroaded by the system because they are too passive.  From what you've said, I can understand that you want to avoid drama - we all do! - and you have extra reasons to look for ways to avoid excessive stress.  You'll have more options if you act before Friday than if you go in Friday and aren't fully prepared - which will take a lot of work by your lawyer.  Better to have a calm chat with someone at the court house today or tomorrow than a stressful situation Friday.

And I'll repeat... .maybe you know if this is correct or not... .it seems possible that what is planned for Friday isn't a "trial" exactly, but a pre-trial hearing or some other meeting that won't be final.  But you need to understand before Friday exactly what you're getting into;  it's by not fully understanding the process that we sometimes make mistakes that have bad consequences.

[tarantula17]

The trial - don't know if it is a pre-trial or the actual trial, but I have a feeling it is the actual trial because the bail lady said that the public defender usually never meets with the defendants until the court date.  She said I'd be lucky if the defender ever got back with me, too.

I went to the police station and picked up all the records of any time they've been out to the house, whether I have called them or my husband has.  Six times in all.

Six times the police paint me as the crazy person with statements.  For instance, when the morning of the 6th my husband woke in a manic episode, he felt completely rejected by me and like I didn't want the marriage because I wouldn't cuddle with him.  Well.  I was asleep!  If he woke me up, I would've liked to.  But I didn't get that option.  I informed the police that I wasn't awake and didn't get the option, to try and show them how my husband's thoughts were not logical and reasoning at the time.  I asked them to call his therapist and confirm his state of mind was not stable while he was in the episode.  They didn't listen, and wrote instead in the report,"... .Mrs. B who stated that it was unsafe for her husband to drive due to anxiety issues.  Mrs. B stated that it all began when her husband wanted to cuddle with her this morning.  When she refused, Mr. B stated that he was going for a drive. "  I had told them about the experiences he had in the past when he drove during his manias, the unsafeness to himself, others, and to me/kids at one time.  I had told them that when he wasn't in his episodes, he was perfectly fine driving and I had never refused the keys before, and that my husband had realized he was unsafely driving and we planned to keep the keys from him while he was in that state of mind.  Also, I told them several times that I was sleeping when my husband wanted intimacy and didn't wake me up for it.  

This repeats itself over and over in the six police reports, that I'm some sort of crazy woman that they have to 'deal' with.  If I didn't know the whole situation and was in the thick of things... .looking over the police reports, I would say that I was crazy, too.  

I guess the only good thing about these reports is that in the times mentioned in domestic abuse, I was listed as the victim, although they never saw anything to indicate I was physically harmed.  I should've called when he gashed up my hand, bruised my back by throwing something... .but even then, I have this nasty feeling that they would've neglected to do anything to help me then, too, since they didn't even take pictures of me on the 6th.

I am feeling more and more panicky and nervous as the date approaches.   I am feeling very much alone in all this, especially since I pretty much lost my social circle to all this mess and my parents are disapproving.  My mom will let me use the car for things, but I know she gives me her silent disapproval too.  Not to mention lost another good friend yesterday because she thinks the kids aren't good in this situation and is willing to forsake a friendship over it.

[ForeverDad]

The judge may not read every last word of all the police reports.  Perhaps you being listed as victim might be helpful and they won't look deeper.  Being remote, we can only hypothesize.  Since you're concerned how the prior reports might look, can you bring any witnesses with you who can support your version of the incident or general history?  (Letters and affidavits from individuals may be ignored, that's why they would have to appear if needed.  However, a therapist's comments as a professional could be meaningful.)  Bring proof of your chronic condition in case helpful.  Bring the reports anyway in case the PD thinks they may help.  If you have a spotless record or nothing recent, then make sure that is brought to light.  (If your husband does not have a clean record or you can bring documentation of his mental issues, then see how that could be used to counter this incident.)

Also, it's possible that the court may be willing to let you go with a warning and dismiss the case.  You never know what the defender and prosecutor may work out.  As already suggested, it might help to explain what changes you have made in your life to avoid this ever happening again.  They will be more helpful if you can convince them you won't be back - usually that means ending the contact with that other person.)

Is you husband living elsewhere or are you together?  If you have (permitted) contact and can state things are calmer now then they might be willing to let it all go.

Not knowing your court or its format, I would guess you have two outcomes before you this week... .(1) you convince them to dismiss the case or (2) you or the PD or the prosecutor ask for a continuance to another date.  You may face pressure into agreeing to a plea deal but usually they're Bad News, they are designed for perps who know they're guilty as sin, not innocent people who got caught up in the technicalities of procedure and law.  As I wrote, likely you'll face #1 or #2.

[Matt]

A few thoughts... .

First, I think you should find out more - today or tomorrow - about what exactly is supposed to happen on Friday - if it's a "trial" or something else.

Second, I think you should continue to try to contact the attorney.  If you have her e-mail address, send her a note saying, "I believe I am going to be tried on Friday and want to be prepared for that.  I need you to return my calls immediately or we can't be prepared by Friday."  Then bring copies of these e-mails with you on Friday, to show that you aren't getting any help.

Third, be prepared to ask for a continuance or delay in the trial (or whatever is scheduled for Friday).  Don't hesitate - stand up and address the judge at the first possible moment and be prepared to say very clearly that you are not prepared and you have not had adequate help from your attorney.  If you wait til things are over it may be too late to ask for a "do-over".

Finally, I would suggest you go over each of the police reports carefully, and decide whether you want to say, "This is accurate and here's how it supports my account of what happened.", or, "This isn't accurate."  Let me tell a story to illustrate why this is so important... .

When I was arrested and charged with assault - my BPD wife had called 911 and said "My husband pushed me down the stairs." - I got the police report and read it very carefully.  It was very accurate, but at one point it said, "Mr. Matt stated that his wife had stumbled and fallen down the stairs."  That's not what happened and not what I said;  my wife had stumbled while we were both on the stairs but I caught her and kept her from falling - she did not fall down the stairs at all.

So... .my lawyer told me to prepare very carefully how to handle that, because she knew it would come up.  I said under oath, "The report is very accurate - the officers did a great job preparing it and it proves that the accusation is false.  The only spot where I see a small mistake is where they said, '... .his wife had stumbled and fallen... .' - that's not exactly right - she stumbled but I caught her so she didn't fall down the stairs."

This worked, because my lawyer had prepared me to make it very brief and clear.  The risk was that the prosecution might have said, "Oh, so the police report isn't accurate - is that what you're saying?" - and the police report was really exonerating me, so I didn't want to get it thrown out, I only wanted to correct one small issue.

So... .you have 6 police reports to go through, and if you decide that one of them isn't accurate, you can say that... .but the judge will be more likely to believe the police than you, so you'll have to do it very carefully.

Or... .if the police reports work in your favor - if they either prove you aren't guilty, or at least don't prove that you are guilty - then it may be best to prepare your case based on the police reports - "See - the police reports show I'm not guilty."

[Matt]

The judge may not read every last word of all the police reports.

Different judges might handle it differently... .but I think this is probably correct.

The way it works where I live is, either party (the prosecutor or the defense) can submit the police reports as evidence - in advance of the trial, but not on the day of the trial.

Then if they are "in evidence", you or your lawyer can point out specific things, like a spot that you think is important to your defense.  "Your Honor, here on page 7, the first paragraph says such-and-such... ." - and the judge (or jury) will then be aware of that.

But of course if you do that, the prosecutor is likely to bring up things in that same report that work against you, and you and your attorney should be prepared to rebut what the prosecutor or another witness says about that.

You have to look at each of the reports carefully, and note everything that can help you, and everything that can hurt you, and prepare the best way to use the reports to help your case.

One big reason why preparation is so important!

[tarantula17]

I did find out that Friday is a pre-trial meeting with the judge.

I did finally talk to my public defender yesterday and requested a continuance.

She said that she will ask the DA if he is okay with a continuance, and if he doesn't agree, will go to the judge.  She said that if the DA agrees with the continuance, the judge is more likely to grant it.  If I get the continuance, the pre-trial will be delayed.  I am asking for the continuance so that I can get all the things I need together for the case, like it will cost me $40.00 to get my husbands records from one of the hospitals he has been to.  They will prove his mental health history as well as when I took him in several times for either his episodes or self-harm while in his episodes.  Money is seriously tight though on a budget less than 1k per month, so I need the extra time.

We have a no-contact order in place, so he is staying with his mom in the next state over.  His mom is sending some things directly to the PD, however, that may help... .like a letter stating she heard him hitting himself while on the phone with him the night of December 5th, a video of his account while he isn't in an episode (the defender said that it would be helpful in case he does come to as a witness while in an episode) and the letter he received from his therapist in that state about his diagnosis of bipolar and BPD, as well as his history of self-harm.

I am going to note on the back of the police reports what statements aren't true and the truth of them.  Unfortunately, none of these have witnessess because anything witnessed in public was extremely shameful for me and I didn't run people down to say 'hey write down that you saw this happen' (like him almost hitting us with the car in an episode).  I did get a picture of the huge divets of grass torn up where he did almost hit us in that episode and the frying pan he doesn't remember curling up durning another episode.  His mom said he is trying very hard to help where he can, but he doesn't know what he is able to do, so I referred her to the PD's contact information for anything further.  That way we're not discussing anything case-wise with me (tampering in any way).

[Matt]

Very good news!

The way pre-trial conferences work where I live is that the judge asks how you want to plead, and if a plea agreement is happening, and both the prosecution and the defense can say, "We're working out a plea agreement but it's not finished yet.", or "My client is prepared to plead guilty to these charges.", or "My client pleads innocent and we need some time to prepare for trial."

The judge may not be willing to delay the pre-trial conference, because she may say that all the information you are gathering isn't needed until the trial.  But she will hear your attorney's (and your) request for a trial date;  for example, you could say, "We're ready and we want the soonest available date to get this over with.", or "We need 60 days to prepare.", and the judge will then pick a date... .or there may be another pre-trial conference... .

The good news is that you won't be tried Friday, and that you are getting key information together, and especially that your husband and his mom are doing what's right too.

The worst thing that happens sometimes is the process goes forward and nobody helps the defendant, and mistakes get made (like taking a bad plea agreement) which can't be fixed later.  It doesn't sound like that's happening in your case.

Since your husband and his mom are bringing forward information that might help you, your attitude might not be, "I'm right and he's wrong.", but more like, "He has a problem and we're both doing our best to manage it."

But also keep in mind what has been said here, that if the judge perceives that this stuff is going to continue, she may be impatient and "teach you a lesson".  She's more likely to drop the charges if she believes that you have found a way to not come back to her court in the future... .

[tarantula17]

I may not get the help needed from him or his mother.  Everything depends on if he's in a manic episode or not.

I am getting more and more depressed and having anxiety attacks on a daily basis.

I approached a few national organizations to see if I could get any information about self-harm as a symptom/result? of BPD and/or Bipolar, but nobody can help me short of them telling me to print something off from the internet.  I don't think a judge would take information from me, a person who's not a therapist or psychiatrist, handing them something from the internet.

I also tried contacting his therapist and psychiatrist, but they want him to sign a release form, get it to them, and then I can have access to his records.  That is all they are willing to do to help me.  The records cost $40.00 which I don't have for another few weeks.  All this money that has been spent on manic episodes and the consequences has severely taxed my finances.  I have no savings whatsoever.

Literally I have nobody to stand up and say that self-harm comes with his illness UNLESS he decides to fax/mail that letter from the therapist he's seeing in the other state.  That's a big IF when he's in and out of manic episodes.  I can't prove my innocence on an IF.

I don't know what I am doing and I am so frustrated.  Every time I try to think of something that might work... .since all I have really at this point if I discount something my husband may or may not send... .are incorrect statements of a police report.  My disability hearing is on the 27th of January and I am trying to keep my head on straight.  One major life-changing event at a time.

Happy Near Year, right?  Right... .   

[Matt]

Depression and anxiety - we've all been there.

What I learned that helped a lot was to find 3 sources of support:  family and close friends (who may not know much but care a lot about me), peers (like us here), and a professional like a counselor or member of the clergy.

I found a great counselor and he advised me to get very regular sleep, exercise every day, and watch out for what adds to my stress and what reduces it, and spend more time with things and people that relieve my stress.  Sounds simple but it helped a lot... .and I was very low.

You can't make good decisions if you're too depressed or stressed, so this is a key thing to deal with... .and then you can handle everything else.

About self-harm - people with BPD are much more likely to hurt themselves than most people are.  There is a ton of research on this - let us know if you can't find anything online - maybe something here on this site, or maybe someone here can give you a link.

Some books to read if you can are "Splitting" by William A. Eddy and "Stop Walking On Eggshells" by Randi Kreger (who founded this site).

But you're probably right - nothing you say about the psychological aspects will be given any weight in court if you don't have the right education and credentials.

One option is to find a local psychologist - maybe someone who teaches at a local college or university - who can do a little research to learn about BPD, and then testify about it.

Or subpoena your husband's doctor... .?

But... .as a legal strategy... .this may not be the way to focus too much.  The reason is that you are charged with a specific crime, so the real issue is whether the state can prove that you committed that crime... .not your husband's mental health.  Even if the court agrees that your husband has BPD, and that he is at risk for self-harm... .that doesn't show whether or not you committed the crime you are accused of.  So this whole issue - his psychological issues - might be a dead end!

Much of your frustration, in my opinion, is due to not getting adequate help from your attorney.  Public defenders can be wonderful people, who are trying to help their clients... .but they usually have very little time available.  And the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  So when you are able to talk to your lawyer, let her know how stressed you are over this, and that you need her help, and insist on an appointment in her office - not in the courtroom where you have no privacy - so you and she can team up and make a solid plan.  Then you will at least know what to expect and have some confidence (I hope) that she will help you out of this situation.

[ForeverDad]

Maybe you can choose a secondary strategy... .You may not have to go so far as to prove your innocence, just enough to make it more difficult to rule that you're guilty.

Make a checklist to help you present a good defense.

First, find out if the court is willing to dismiss the case, no need for a continuance if they will dismiss it.

You have no history in court.  (Emphasize that, it means a lot.)

You've been to the police on these prior dates ____ reporting him causing troubles.

(Potentially, you don't know yet) he did not appear in court for the hearing.

You have a chronic illness that makes muscle movement painful.

Etc.

Put your defense on paper.  You will be too nervous there to remember all the things you could state.

I think the arresting officers have to appear in court.  They can be cross-examined.  You could ask whether they heard your husband begging for you not to be arrested. You could ask about your prior call that day, why nothing was done then to avoid an escalation later.

[Matt]

First, find out if the court is willing to dismiss the case, no need for a continuance if they will dismiss it.

(Potentially, you don't know yet) he did not appear in court for the hearing.

I think the arresting officers have to appear in court.  They can be cross-examined.

Very important points!

If your husband doesn't appear - not tomorrow but at your trial - I think your lawyer could ask for the case to be dismissed because there will be no witnesses against you.

Also, if the officers don't appear, their report can be thrown out - your lawyer should ask for that - because the report can't be used unless the officers are there to answer questions about it.

So... .if there are no witnesses against you, and no police report... .the prosecutor will not have a case.  Your lawyer should push very hard for the case to be dismissed for lack of evidence.

If the officers do appear, your lawyer should be ready - as FD suggests - question them carefully.  For example, she might ask them if they saw you do anything you are charged with, or if they found any evidence at all that you did what you are charged with.

Police officers' testimony is usually believed unless it is shows to be inaccurate.  But I have seen a police officer questioned under oath, and the attorney proved the officer made one false statement... .and then his entire report was considered iffy.  So anything in the report which is against you, can maybe be challenged, if your lawyer can find a single false statement in the report or in something the officer says.