Want to be supportive but don't know what to do

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My husband with BPD has been living elsewhere for a few years. He was always welome to stay here during holidays or whenever. But this year has gone very badly. He got in some pretty major legal trouble, due, indirectly to his BPD traits. He was lucky to get a few years probation instead of serious prison time. No one will rent to him, his friends dont want to deal with him anymore, so he's living in a little hole-in-the-ground out in the sticks. Our recent visits havent gone well, and our kids (1 is in middle school, 1 high school, 1 college) had kind of an intervention with me to say that they do not feel safe with him in the home and do not want him to visit in the foreseeable future. He is not physically dangerous or abusive, but his rages occur out of the blue, and they are extremely disturbing to be around. I respect how the kids feel and know that their needs come first.

However, I take commitments seriously and do not want to abandon my husband.  The whole thing is so sad and tragic. I know that my husband loves all of us more than anything and wants nothing more than being part of the family again. I absolutely believe that his borderline traits are outside of his control, at least at present. He really should be in some kind of intense, long-term treatment, but he is too discouraged to do that because other attempts at therapy haven't helped. Also, he tends to be pretty defiant, so ultimatims dont work. He has no internet where he is, and little cell phone reception, but I can occasionally text with him and try to be sympathetic and encouraging,  though that seems so empty at this point. I'd go and visit in person, but it's almost 200 miles away and I am stretched too thin as it is. He sends despairing and suicidal messages to me frequently. I wont be charmed in, but I am sad that he is in such a terrible state of mind.

It is just so hard. He has had plenty of support through the years and just kept getting worse. I realize that he is the one who has to fix himself, and I have very limited control over the situation. But I am still unwilling to simply abandon a man who was once kind and intelligent and a wonderful partner.

Thoughts?

[Anna17]

My husband with BPD has been living elsewhere for a few years. He was always welome to stay here during holidays or whenever. But this year has gone very badly. He got in some pretty major legal trouble, due, indirectly to his BPD traits. He was lucky to get a few years probation instead of serious prison time. No one will rent to him, his friends dont want to deal with him anymore, so he's living in a little hole-in-the-ground out in the sticks. Our recent visits havent gone well, and our kids (1 is in middle school, 1 high school, 1 college) had kind of an intervention with me to say that they do not feel safe with him in the home and do not want him to visit in the foreseeable future. He is not physically dangerous or abusive, but his rages occur out of the blue, and they are extremely disturbing to be around. I respect how the kids feel and know that their needs come first.

However, I take commitments seriously and do not want to abandon my husband.  The whole thing is so sad and tragic. I know that my husband loves all of us more than anything and wants nothing more than being part of the family again. I absolutely believe that his borderline traits are outside of his control, at least at present. He really should be in some kind of intense, long-term treatment, but he is too discouraged to do that because other attempts at therapy haven't helped. Also, he tends to be pretty defiant, so ultimatims dont work. He has no internet where he is, and little cell phone reception, but I can occasionally text with him and try to be sympathetic and encouraging,  though that seems so empty at this point. I'd go and visit in person, but it's almost 200 miles away and I am stretched too thin as it is. He sends despairing and suicidal messages to me frequently. I wont be charmed in, but I am sad that he is in such a terrible state of mind.

It is just so hard. He has had plenty of support through the years and just kept getting worse. I realize that he is the one who has to fix himself, and I have very limited control over the situation. But I am still unwilling to simply abandon a man who was once kind and intelligent and a wonderful partner.

Thoughts?

[Notwendy]

This is quite a predicament, but you are correct that this is your husband's doing that got him in this situation.

You also have your children to consider and they said they did not feel safe with your husband.

Helping him at all is risking rescuing and enabling.

I don't know what to tell you, because you know your situation best, but what comes to mind is the idea of "letting someone hit bottom" as the most caring thing to do for someone, because, for some people, hitting bottom is the one thing that can motivate them to change. So long as someone "helps" by not letting someone hit bottom, then they are keeping them from taking steps to change.

I had something like this happen with a family member. He got himself in dire straits. A close friend of his called me and said to me" you know I care about him and because I do, I am going to let him hit bottom if this is where he is headed." She called me to let me know that she did care about him. I understood that. However, another family member tends to rescue him whenever he gets into financial trouble. This family member cares about him too, but I don't know if it is the best way to care for him.

Of course it feels wrong to ignore a loved one's suffering if they needed medical care or other dire strait assistance, but it is hard to know what is caring and what is enabling. Would counseling help you figure out what to do?

[Anna17]

You know, I was thinking tbat counseling might be a good thing to help me decide how to qpproach this. You're right, there is a fine line between caring and enabling, and it can be very hard to determine where that line is.

One thing about my h is that hitting bottom is, for him, a deeper chiasm than for most people. Here he is, alienated from everyone he loves and living in some unheated shack like the Unibomber, and he's still persisting in his diastrous BPD ways of thinking and interacting. Just after I wrote my previous post, I received a text from him saying he was going to hock his wedding ring for some heroin. My policy is that I dont respond to these emotional blackmail kinds of things. After a couple of hours, he wrote that he was sorry that he had lashed out like that. We texted, somewhat pleasantly, after that, but he's still hinting a bit about heroin. He really has started doing dangerous stuff like that this past year. He could easily overdose or end up in prison. Sure, it would be 100% his fault, but those scenarios would hurt a lot of people, not just him.

But getting counseling to help me navigate these waters is an excellent idea, and I will do it. Thanks!