Her fiance called off the engagement after 1 year asked her to marry me instead

[guy4caligirl]

    I just heard this weird thing from my ex that is been in contact with me for a month and a half ago , he fiancée told her she should marry me instead seriously  

Amazing how things go when the mask is down , any thoughts ?

[1minuteatatime]

Only thought is that we are all messed up in some ways.  The ex-boyfriend probably is, too.  That is obvious lashing out, telling her she isn't good enough for him in undertones or that you handle her better.  One or the other.  Neither is good.  I should talk, I'm terrible at communicating/validating with my ex-gf.

What I am learning in this process is that I am as disordered as she is in many ways.  I fear abandonment.  Mostly from my kids.  Some with her(she already left saying that I would leave/hurt/abandon her)  I do realize that I can't control it, though.  Not with the kids.  Not with her.

[flourdust]

Drama triangle. You're the rescuer, he's the persecutor, she's (as always) the victim.

Don't get sucked in.

[Turkish]

Apart from the dysfinctionality of that, what are your thoughts? Or more importantly, your feelings?

[unicorn2014]

    I just heard this weird thing from my ex that is been in contact with me for a month and a half ago , he fiancée told her she should marry me instead seriously 

Amazing how things go when the mask is down , any thoughts ?

That sounds passive aggressive to me... .I would say don't pick it up.

[guy4caligirl]

Knowing my story with the ex for five years and what I have learned from this awesome site ,  I have handled communication with her in the last two months in a much better way ,Validation, listening not telling her what to do not trying to fix her either , that drove her to wanting to fix herself.

The result was very successful. with me validating her emotions and not pushing , she regained her trust in me , I agree with whoever said we are all disfunctual in our own way , I do still have strong feelings for her , she had realized that blaming and being that she is the victim is getting old, she wants to change , she is getting older ,40 and I am also .

Every situation is unique , what I went through with her for five years isn't all her fault , it was mine also , I don't think it would get any worth but better , I feel it from my gut, in a way I abanded her when I asked her to leave , she had no where to go , do I blame her from moving in with another guy, no ! it's the survival mode that not only BPD has we also do .

What is your take on that ?

[enlighten me]

Call me a cynic but to me it sounds like he dumped her and she has said what she did to try and make you feel as if you are more important to her and the reason it didn't work with her and her ex was because you where still a huge thing for her.

[guy4caligirl]

Call me a cynic but to me it sounds like he dumped her and she has said what she did to try and make you feel as if you are more important to her and the reason it didn't work with her and her ex was because you where still a huge thing for her.

Enlighten me

I agree he did ... .

I predicted that a while ago as we all do ,

Now is that a bad or a good thing ?

[enlighten me]

The question is what you want to do about it?

[guy4caligirl]

The question is what you want to do about it?

I want to give it my best shot , she knows I educated myself about the illness , and I am still learning ... .

She is hesitant of coming back , she isn't taking the first flight back to me , I know well my situation and how she thinks , she knows what await for her ,a future and also financial security and one person that knows her inside out and willing to help her out coop better , and she is willing to do so , not any amount of money you throw her way to reconcile with me I know that for a fact .I helped her get her meds for Dec and that's it .she has not even a buck to her name .

As when I asked her to leave in the past, numerous times when my patience ran out and did not know how to separate the illness from the person  ,it took her a while before she did leave ,btw there was no replacement set up. I magine she will on her time , I cannot force her .

In the last two months of communication , I made sure to let her know that I give myself till the end of this year to decide what she wants if not  , I will not be in contact with  her in 2016 . It's my ultimatum not hers ,I have to draw a line there , I am in the driver seat now don't you think ?

[Daniell85]

ok, if you want to work on it, then probably working on it, rather than making big leaps right now, is more likely to get the outcome you are hoping for.

It's really easy to get caught up in the drama and excitement of the BPD whirlwind.

What happens if you simply continue as you have been. Calm and stable, continuing to support?

Is she asking for an answer?

Maybe a good one would be, "I am so glad you are here, and let's see what we can work towards together."

[guy4caligirl]

ok, if you want to work on it, then probably working on it, rather than making big leaps right now, is more likely to get the outcome you are hoping for.

It's really easy to get caught up in the drama and excitement of the BPD whirlwind.

What happens if you simply continue as you have been. Calm and stable, continuing to support?

Is she asking for an answer?

Maybe a good one would be, "I am so glad you are here, and let's see what we can work towards together."

She is totally grateful that I am here , helping her out , but till when ?

I had to let her know that by the end of the year I won't  ... .so she doesn't think I will be financing her while still staying at his place .

Am I rushing her do you think ?

[steve195915]

ok, if you want to work on it, then probably working on it, rather than making big leaps right now, is more likely to get the outcome you are hoping for.

It's really easy to get caught up in the drama and excitement of the BPD whirlwind.

What happens if you simply continue as you have been. Calm and stable, continuing to support?

Is she asking for an answer?

Maybe a good one would be, "I am so glad you are here, and let's see what we can work towards together."

She is totally grateful that I am here , helping her out , but till when ?

I had to let her know that by the end of the year I won't  ... .so she doesn't think I will be financing her while still staying at his place .

Am I rushing her do you think ?

I think you're fooling yourself.  She's obviously in a bad place, no money and a relationship that's ending and there you are offering to be her savior.  Of course she's going to say the things you want to hear, she's in a desperate position.  She's not going to fix her problem herself, and you can't fix her, and no matter how you change your words and actions, her emotional dysfunction will ultimately come out in words and actions that if you get back together with her will cause you future disappointment and pain.  I see the only hope is if she is willing and sincere about going to therapy (DBP), and hopefully you know this too and see that she follows through with it.

[unicorn2014]

Knowing my story with the ex for five years and what I have learned from this awesome site ,  I have handled communication with her in the last two months in a much better way ,Validation, listening not telling her what to do not trying to fix her either , that drove her to wanting to fix herself.

The result was very successful. with me validating her emotions and not pushing , she regained her trust in me , I agree with whoever said we are all disfunctual in our own way , I do still have strong feelings for her , she had realized that blaming and being that she is the victim is getting old, she wants to change , she is getting older ,40 and I am also .

Every situation is unique , what I went through with her for five years isn't all her fault , it was mine also , I don't think it would get any worth but better , I feel it from my gut, in a way I abanded her when I asked her to leave , she had no where to go , do I blame her from moving in with another guy, no ! it's the survival mode that not only BPD has we also do .

What is your take on that ?

You said she wanted to fix herself. What has she done in this direction?

[guy4caligirl]

Knowing my story with the ex for five years and what I have learned from this awesome site ,  I have handled communication with her in the last two months in a much better way ,Validation, listening not telling her what to do not trying to fix her either , that drove her to wanting to fix herself.

The result was very successful. with me validating her emotions and not pushing , she regained her trust in me , I agree with whoever said we are all disfunctual in our own way , I do still have strong feelings for her , she had realized that blaming and being that she is the victim is getting old, she wants to change , she is getting older ,40 and I am also .

Every situation is unique , what I went through with her for five years isn't all her fault , it was mine also , I don't think it would get any worth but better , I feel it from my gut, in a way I abanded her when I asked her to leave , she had no where to go , do I blame her from moving in with another guy, no ! it's the survival mode that not only BPD has we also do .

What is your take on that ?

You said she wanted to fix herself. What has she done in this direction?

No , not yet but she says she wants to get therapy .

[unicorn2014]

Ok, so she hasn't actually taken any action yet.

You and I are in the same boat.

I am also waiting for my pwBPD to take action.



I've gone from undecided, to staying and then back to undecided.

Do you have firm boundaries with her?

[guy4caligirl]

Ok, so she hasn't actually taken any action yet.

You and I are in the same boat.

I am also waiting for my pwBPD to take action.



I've gone from undecided, to staying and then back to undecided.

Do you have firm boundaries with her?

[guy4caligirl]

No she is still in another state , when I asked her to leave my place it took her a year or more to leave , I gave myself till the end of this year she contacted me on this past Nov 15 , I still don't get a definite answer from her as  when is she planning to come back , Tonight I asked her that . time is running out and I won't want to have anything to do with her I did better before she contacted me 45 days ago , I switch around from board to board lately I need some advice she said she will call me in the morning .

[unicorn2014]

You and I are in the same boat and you are welcome to read my most recent thread, is this borderline behavior?

The best thing you can do is stand firm in your boundaries.

I have read what the others have said.

I agree it is probably a bad idea to let her move back in with you at this point.

Can you define the boundaries you have with her?

[guy4caligirl]

Can you please suggest some boundaries ?

[unicorn2014]

Can you please suggest some boundaries ?

Let me read through your posts again and respond to them, but off the top of my head, I would not recommend letting her move in with you. Have you read any of the articles about healthy relationships? It recommends not being someone's knight in shining armor, that is not financially supporting them. That could be the first boundary.

[unicorn2014]

The question is what you want to do about it?

I want to give it my best shot , she knows I educated myself about the illness , and I am still learning ... .

She is hesitant of coming back , she isn't taking the first flight back to me , I know well my situation and how she thinks , she knows what await for her ,a future and also financial security and one person that knows her inside out and willing to help her out coop better , and she is willing to do so , not any amount of money you throw her way to reconcile with me I know that for a fact .I helped her get her meds for Dec and that's it .she has not even a buck to her name .

As when I asked her to leave in the past, numerous times when my patience ran out and did not know how to separate the illness from the person  ,it took her a while before she did leave ,btw there was no replacement set up. I magine she will on her time , I cannot force her .

In the last two months of communication , I made sure to let her know that I give myself till the end of this year to decide what she wants if not  , I will not be in contact with  her in 2016 . It's my ultimatum not hers ,I have to draw a line there , I am in the driver seat now don't you think ?

This is where I think you could set up a boundary.

Has she ever lived independently?

Does she have income sources?

I would not get in a relationship with her until she achieved those goals.

You could be friends with her.

[unicorn2014]

ok, if you want to work on it, then probably working on it, rather than making big leaps right now, is more likely to get the outcome you are hoping for.

It's really easy to get caught up in the drama and excitement of the BPD whirlwind.

What happens if you simply continue as you have been. Calm and stable, continuing to support?

Is she asking for an answer?

Maybe a good one would be, "I am so glad you are here, and let's see what we can work towards together."

She is totally grateful that I am here , helping her out , but till when ?

I had to let her know that by the end of the year I won't  ... .so she doesn't think I will be financing her while still staying at his place .

Am I rushing her do you think ?

Again the financial issue. I would not financially support her if I was you. I don't think that is a good idea. You said she was almost 40. She should be able to financially support herself at this point in her life and if she is not able to then she needs to get help in doing so. So a boundary could be you could remain friends while she is getting her finances in order. That is just one idea.

[Daniell85]

Your boundaries are based 100 percent on your own personal ... well... I have seen many experienced posters say they are based on your values.

You cross over into her "stuff" when you start ultimatums spoken to her.

You made an ultimatum. At this point she has 2 days to ante up or you will remove yourself.

Your personal boundary could be " I will not financially support a woman who is living with another man."  Her reason for being there is a love relationship. It feels icky to me ( my own value).

Do you feel ok supporting her if she moves out, finds a place closer to you?

I am still having problems with boundary stuff, too, so that is the best I can give you on them atm.

[guy4caligirl]

nope never lived  independently , no source of income , I would not financially support her in the new coming year while living with another man .Firm .

i can't be friends with her either at this time maybe in years .

A place near me , possible .

I am contemplating not to speak with her for thirty days and see what that would bring , i have nothing more to add to what i spoke about ?

[unicorn2014]

She has never financially supported herself and she is 40?

Just a thought: if you can't be friends with her, how can you be in a relationship with her?

In my relationship I am willing to be friends with my partner while he sorts his divorce out. If you are not willing to be even friends with a person how can you build a relationship with them?

[zeus123]

guy4caligirl. the only time that you are in the driver seat with a BPD is going complete no contact. her boyfriend dumped her and now she is looking for narcissistic supply by contacting you. for a BPD person a partner/ex-partner is just a piece of meat, an accessory that is required... just stay away.

[guy4caligirl]

She has never financially supported herself and she is 40?

Just a thought: if you can't be friends with her, how can you be in a relationship with her?

In my relationship I am willing to be friends with my partner while he sorts his divorce out. If you are not willing to be even friends with a person how can you build a relationship with them?

You raised a good question here Unicorn , I might have to think of it  , it just torturing myself  to be only friends .

I can't put my emotion on the side while she is living with someone else .

[unicorn2014]

She has never financially supported herself and she is 40?

Just a thought: if you can't be friends with her, how can you be in a relationship with her?

In my relationship I am willing to be friends with my partner while he sorts his divorce out. If you are not willing to be even friends with a person how can you build a relationship with them?

You raised a good question here Unicorn , I might have to think of it  , it just torturing myself  to be only friends .

I can't put my emotion on the side while she is living with someone else .

So if you can not be friends with her then I suggest you look at a new boundary, no or low contact while she is living with someone else.

[steve195915]

So if you can not be friends with her then I suggest you look at a new boundary, no or low contact while she is living with someone else.

All the advice sounds great if you are referencing a person without BPD but let's be realistic here.  She has BPD and it's very typical for them to be financially dependent on others which is exactly this case as a 40 yr old woman.  Her current living condition is because she has no other place to go and she will not all of a sudden be financially independent and be able to get her own place and be self sufficient. She's in a desperate situation and if guy4caligirl doesn't come through for her, she will find another option, maybe another guy she starts a relationship with and move in with him.  Unless she has a family member that would take her in, giving her an ultimatum to move out without providing a means of support will cause her to have to find somebody else or fix and stay in her current relationship. 

So guy4caligirl if you want to be with her then accept that you will take care of her financially and I suggest stipulations she goes to therapy and gets a job, at least part time.  Do this where you are protected in a way to get out of it graciously if she doesn't follow through on her end.  The other choice is to get over her and move on.