BPD just embrasses her depression and doesn't try to get better.losing my sanity

[Cam1970]

My Bpd person is my cousins daughter, who has lived with us about 3 months.Had only met her a handful of times before my mother took her in.(mom lives with us )We were unaware of her diagnosis but aware she was a troubled child.(17).She seems to just use her depression for constant attention and she talks about being bipolar, ( not diagnosed with bp)but I never see and highs only lows. But she will say I did this or that be because I was manic. Or just walk up calmly and say I feel manic. I posted before about being worried about my son because she has a history of accusations of sexual abuse. ( and has admitted that once she lied, but says she wasn't lying the other two times )We have ended up banning any contact not in a family area but she sneaks around anyway.im now actually worried about him being seduced by her constant attention and him falling for her poor me BS.Everyday someone hurts her feeling at work, someone said she looked like crap one day and she cried. Any random comment puts her in tears( I've come to believe it's just attention seeking)2 weeks ago she cried for the last hour at work so they took her off the schedule at work for a week.My daughter came into town for Christmas and I got off early to spend the day getting ready for a tea party Sunday, but instead I spend hours with Bpd crying and telling me she tried to overdose last week and she just doesn't think she will ever get better and doesn't want to be here anymore. (She never says I want to die , always I don't want to be here )So she has been committed. Come to find out Mom had caught her the night before not in the living room and then magically appearing in there and said she was watching tv but it wasn't on. My sons room is the next room( he is a whole other problem)So I think her "breakdown" was to deflect from any trouble she would be in and seeking sympathy and attention instead. She tested positive for medications she's not prescribed but my mom and husband are. Also found out she has given a friends son the same medication that wasn't hers.I think she said she overdosed to give a reason for her medication being gone and she was overtaking it to get high or giving it away.At the mental facility I saw cuts all up her arm so she's been cutting again. When we called to tell her work she wouldn't be available this week we also found out someone caught her bleeding and crying in bathroom at work and has had several incidents of lifting her shirt up and being inappropriate at work. They haven't fired her because they can tell she has problems and wanted to help her. So now I have a girl that I'm mad at for ruining my daughters visit ,because I feel she chose that time to act that way , it wasn't uncontrollable. She said she felt that way all week so why then? I have to lock up everyone's medication and do body checks, Dole out her medication and lock it and all over the counter meds  too. I think she truly has depression but exaggerates it ,but what if that's just what her illness looks like. How do I know? How much is mental illness, how much is rebelous teenager , how much is just her need for attention. It's like her only feelings are about her. I truly don't think she cares about her effect on everyone in the house and the problems she has caused. I read about empathy. I try! Every time she's upset I tell her I understand ( but I don't) I reassure her things will get better( but will they?) She was frantically trying to get my son to take her to Waffle House Christmas Day and my son in law made a joke about being a Fatty or going to get fat(she's thin) and she told him that he really hurt her feelings. Literally life hurts her feelings so how an I supposed to be empathetic over stupid things.im so tired of being nice , I want to say suck it up and at least make an attempt to be happy, but then don't really want to be mean, I'm just tired of it all. She has nowhere to go so if we can't make it work she will end up in a boot camp or somewhere that won't help her. I just feel like I walk on eggshells to not offend her . When she is offensive all the time. She has no filter. She can dish it but can't take it. I say she is a compulsive lyer and a compulsive truther. I just need to know how to react to her . The constant "I'm sad" or " "so and so hurt my feeling". What do I say when she comes home and I know she stole medicine and she will deny it. What do I say when she talks about overdosing and I know she didn't. My husband already said he didn't think she did and she got mad. " why would I lie " she says. She lied to hide she was overmedicating herself or sharing her medication.Will telling her how I feel be too much? I feel nothing makes her happy so how do we help her? The dr made us fill out forms about her personality that we didn't know how they would be used. He literally let her see them and them seemed to diagnoss her based on that. Said oppositional / agressive personality or something. So I don't know that he will address the BPD which after reading about I truly think is a correct diagnoss( which she got at the last behavioral hospital) She has every symptom. Anyway. I know I was ranting and I'm sorry. I truly just need help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Cam1970

I truly understand the fears, frustrations, and confusion that you are experiencing due to the presence of your cousin's daughter in your home/life.  It takes a herculean effort to raise a child with BPD and or BPD/Bi Polar disorder while holding the family together, holding on to sanity, refusing to descend into chaos, and helping the child to heal and learn.

No one would honestly blame you if it proves to be too much for you to take on.  The risks are high and the investment is huge.  This is not your child and you are not a professional therapist or mental health worker.  The other side of the proverbial coin is that you make a conscious decision to continue to provide a home for her and make the investments, sacrifices and take the risks that come with the decision.

She is a minor (soon to be an adult) with severe mental illness.  She needs the adults in her life to make the best decisions for her (whether she agrees with them or not).

It comes down to what you are willing to do and being committed to the choice that you make.  If you decide to move forward with her as a member of the family we can help you learn the skills to help yourself cope, help you communicate with her in ways that are beneficial for both of you (and the rest of the family), and support you along the way.

lbj

[livednlearned]

Hi Cam1970,

I think these things:

How much is mental illness, how much is rebelous teenager , how much is just her need for attention.

are all the same thing. Even in adult BPD sufferers, it can feel like dealing with a very young defiant, attention-seeking child. I agree with lbjnltx that it can take herculean efforts to live with (and love) someone who is BPD.

Your cousin's daughter may use her diagnosis for attention because any attention is good attention when you have an unstable sense of self. I found it took time to develop empathy for BPD even though I consider myself to be empathetic -- I do think it demands a new level of understanding that has to be cultivated. Most of us don't have to think about emotions and how they work, and what it means to have a stable sense of self, until we come into contact with someone mentally ill.

If she is going to stay, it might be worth talking to your son about what will happen (in detail) if he is accused of sexual abuse or assault. Since your cousin's daughter has a history of doing this, it might also be worth putting together a plan about how you will deal with that allegation, and talk to a lawyer or law enforcement to find out how best to protect someone from a false allegation. Same goes for talk of suicide or overdosing.

These are difficult relationships because people with BPD have a very poor sense of boundaries and we are not accustomed to asserting our boundaries so consistently. Like lbj says, we have to decide what we are willing to commit to, and then put a plan in place that we can live with. This can include boundaries and a willingness to enforce consequences for crossing those boundaries.

It's a whole other level of parenting.

[SoSoSoTired]

This teen is "homeless" because of all the turmoil she caused elsewhere.  Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.  She will cause turmoil in your family until you evict her or she has you arrested (or your son or husband) for her false allegations.  

Your family has great intentions, but kindness won't "fix" this severe mental health problem.  Years of frequent therapy with a therapist who has success with BPD patients might help her, but it might not.

Anything you tell her can be distorted by her mental illness and cause her to have an emotional meltdown. It's not what you are saying or how you are saying it.   You cannot make her happy.  Very frequently mood swings are part of her mental illness (BPD).

Be aware that BPDs love to pretend to be a victim.  She may be telling everyone at her job and your neighbors that your family is abusing her. She may send Child Protection Service to your home and your name could end up on your state's list of child abusers.  This will make it almost  impossible for you to be employed around children.  It could make employers very hesitant to hire you.  

You are already aware that she steals. This will continue.  Put everything of value that you own in a rented bank security box inside your bank.  Hide your checkbook (with numbers that can be replicated) because she drain your account or sell your numbers and someone else will drain your account.  Buy a locked box or safe and keep your medications and credit cards in it.  She may even steal a safe, but if it is large enough, she may be deterred.  

When she whines about "soandso hurt my feelings",  acknowledge ONE time that her feelings were hurt.   Then stop her 'I'm a victim" whining.  Help her brain refocus.  Tell her you find happiness by thinking about how you are NOT a victim and discussing pleasant things in life.  Start talking about the many pleasant things occurring in your city, with your pets, or whatever.  She will want to argue that her life doesn't have anything pleasant because she has learned she gets extra attention being miserable or being a victim.  :)on't argue with her.  Just insist on only talking about happy or pleasant things.  

The local high school guidance counselor will know about any transition services for teens that are homeless. There is likely a waiting list. Get her name on that list as soon as possible.

[Cam1970]

Thank you all for helping. It just is so overwhelming to deal with. My mom is 70 and she's her guardian but her grandfather( who adopted her) and his wife still make her rules. We all can't agree on what's the best way to deal with her. My mom is just mad. She doesn't think she's as sick as I think she is, she just thinks she's a dramatic person looking for attention. Which is true but I know that to atleast some degree she can't help it. It's figuring out that degree that the problem. I alternate between resentment and just feeling so bad that she always feels this way. I want to learn to help her. I'm hoping they get her good therapy.She had quit going to hers. I don't think a regular therapist is helpful to her anyway. I think she needs someone who knows how to treat BPD. I'm just going to keep looking into it and hopefully figure a way for us to live in peace. I'm also going to get back on my own antidepressants because this has cause me to have anxiety attacks again.

[SoSoSoTired]

In my opinion, you are correct.  A "regular" therapist who continually delves into the past history of the BPD patient encouraging the BPD patient to discuss how she/he was a victim (some of which may be lies) may not decrease this young woman's unhealthy behavior.  Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is allegedly the gold standard now for BPD patients.

I'm saddened that you are experiencing anxiety attacks and need to start antidepressants. Please know that your happiness and health are equally as important as this female's happiness.  Also know that you don't have to fix everything and if this female doesn't want to change, you can't "fix" her.  This female may also be unable to change if she had in utero drug or alcohol exposure.  She may have been born with permanent brain damage. 

I hope your cousin's daughter finds somewhere else to spend New Years Day and your family has a peaceful holiday.

[livednlearned]

Thank you all for helping. It just is so overwhelming to deal with. My mom is 70 and she's her guardian but her grandfather( who adopted her) and his wife still make her rules. We all can't agree on what's the best way to deal with her. My mom is just mad. She doesn't think she's as sick as I think she is, she just thinks she's a dramatic person looking for attention. Which is true but I know that to atleast some degree she can't help it. It's figuring out that degree that the problem. I alternate between resentment and just feeling so bad that she always feels this way. I want to learn to help her. I'm hoping they get her good therapy.She had quit going to hers. I don't think a regular therapist is helpful to her anyway. I think she needs someone who knows how to treat BPD. I'm just going to keep looking into it and hopefully figure a way for us to live in peace. I'm also going to get back on my own antidepressants because this has cause me to have anxiety attacks again.

Your self care has to come first, Cam1970. It's good that you're recognizing the effects of this relationship on your health.

It takes a lot of strength to be in a BPD relationship and not be emotionally injured by it. I'm sorry to hear that the family doesn't agree on the best way to deal with her, and that must make things feel doubly difficult.

Validation and asserting boundaries are both equally important skills.

Without validation and empathy, we can very quickly escalate the conflict (and suffering for both parties). This is true with anyone, whether they are BPD or not.

Without boundaries, we potentially endanger ourselves, our BPD sufferer, and other family members. It is possible to assert boundaries without empathy, although in my experience this requires bottling up a lot of intense emotions that get stuck in a loop.  

What are some of the different ideas your families have about managing her?

[Cam1970]

The different ideas have to do with rules set in place by her parents. My uncle and his wife sent her her with instructions not to let her have a phone or computer except for her homeschool ( which she has quit).So no computer .We wanted to let her attend the high school here when she quit homeschool and my mom said no, they didn't want her in school.I thought how can she be normal if she isn't treated to any kind of normal life. Also a difference in how we react to her episodes of crying or her breaking rules. I react with compassion even when I think she is being dramatic. When she was rude I tried to ignore it so as not to cause conflict( which I now know wasn't the right thing to do). I now see I was constantly walking on eggshells not to upset her .My mother on the other hand sees her and everything she does through a filter of anger because of all she has done to hurt My uncle and his family. So her reactions are angry and she doesn't usually care if what she says to BPD is hurtful or harsh.

I wanted to let her have a phone and computer to stay in touch with friends and the person she lived with before us. My mother wouldn't allow it.I now see that she probably can't be trusted on a computer because she probably would have inappropriate behavior if given the chance.I still don't see the harm in a phone.  There probably won't be as many conflicts between the adults now that she has shown us that my mother was right and we were wrong to want to give her the benefit of the doubt and a chance to prove herself trustworthy. She admits she stole my husbands medication. The problems arose a lot from just us feeling sorry for her and us being angry at my mother for having no compassion.So it was like us against her. Poor BPD and mean old mom.

After her hospital stay we are much more in agreement. Now the struggle is we really can't trust her at all. She can't go sit out by the fire with my son or my friends son(who she gave some of my husbands medication to) because she can't be trusted. She is no longer allowed to go into my room for stealing the medication. I feel bad to have to have rules that scream you aren't trusted, but we have no choice. She seems totally different after the hospital which makes me realize she can control herself and her emotions and just had been choosing not to. I'm waiting for it to change back though. She's been sad and blah for 3 months now so I can't imagine her being okay for long.

I pray to just be able to handle whatever she does with love and not anger, because I'm still hurt over what she's done.thank you all for your help, it helps just to know I'm not dealing with this alone. My mom hasn't read anything on this illness and I don't think she understands how serious it is. The dr at the hospital just said she has a stubborn brain , oppositional defiance or something. To just call her out on bad behavior , but how do you call someone out who is falling apart? The rude behavior was there but wasn't her main problem. I just want to respond in the right way and I hope the therapist they set her up with does DBT  so she has a chance to get better.

[livednlearned]

She seems totally different after the hospital which makes me realize she can control herself and her emotions and just had been choosing not to. I'm waiting for it to change back though. She's been sad and blah for 3 months now so I can't imagine her being okay for long.

This topic comes up a lot -- how much control over her behavior does someone with BPD have? My son has OCD and I see similarities. He has a much harder time than me controlling his obsessions and compulsions. Can he control them? Yes. Is it much harder for him? Yes.

That doesn't mean he gets to rule the house and run the show. It just finding that sweet spot between validating how he feels, and having firm and loving boundaries, even when it hurts us both to assert those boundaries. And be consistent with those boundaries when they are tested.

We often set boundaries after we have become very angry, sort of a last ditch attempt after we have already given someone many, many chances. After we reach a boiling point, it can feel very unnatural to set boundaries and feel empathy at the same time. This is part of a healing process that can take some time. It takes a lot of emotional strength to blend empathy with boundaries, which is why it's so important to take care of yourself and make sure you're not succumbing to the many pressures that go with having a mentally ill child in your home.

[SoSoSoTired]

BPDs like to be "victims".  If you get her a phone, prepare for her to text all kinds of outrageous lies.  Her false allegations and their resulting CPS/CYS investigation could put you, your husband, and/or your son on a public list that employers check to avoid hiring child abusers.