Perception so far off

[Anna17]

My h keeps arguing with me, via texts, that me and my older kids misunderstand him and are always attacking him. Last time he was here, he said he woke up happy and was "joking around" and we all viciously attacked him. It is so amazing that he sees it that way. He woke up spitting nails and lashed out, using the F-word, at dd11. There was no misunderstanding.  Anyone would have seen it t h at way, and most people woul d have been more upset than we were.

I am trying, in the nicest way possib le, to get my h to see that his behavior is only going to bring him down lower than he is already (which is pretty bad, he's currently living in an unheated broken-dow n trailer somewhere).I can understand thaI it's h ard to accept that one's own view of reality is "off." Really, our perceptions are all we have, and if we can't trust that, what do we do?

Anyone would hate being told by a bunch of people that they're wrong, so Im trying to keep right or wrong out of it. The basic thing I told him is that he can persist in those behaviors and his view of them, but the price will be serious loneliness. We simply cannot live wth those things and cant continue to have a relationship with him if he keeps doing them.

It's kind of like, if you can imagine, a household in Germany where everyone speaks German but one person insists on speaking only French. Although neither language is right or wrong, the French person eventually needs to learn German or everyone else will eventually quit tryi n g to communicate with them.

Im not actually so nonjudgmental about my h's actions. They really can be wrong in that they are hurtful and damaging. But I think hitting him with that will just make him more defensive. I'm .trying to do anything I can to get him feeling more positive about some kind of treatment.

I could very well be wasting my time, but I'm trying to do whatever I can to keep my h from continuing down this path.

[Knight]

Anna17, I too am told I am 'attacking' my BPD gf at various times.  Also get told I am 'laughing at her' at various times.  Of course I think I am having a conversation and not attacking nor laughing at her.  Sounds like we both have some of the same frustrations.  I really think no matter what you or I do, it is the h or the gf that has to have the motivation to do the thing.  You can have the best intentions, but if he doesn't buy in to it, then nothing will change.

[guy4caligirl]

Anna17, I too am told I am 'attacking' my BPD gf at various times.  Also get told I am 'laughing at her' at various times.  Of course I think I am having a conversation and not attacking nor laughing at her.  Sounds like we both have some of the same frustrations.  I really think no matter what you or I do, it is the h or the gf that has to have the motivation to do the thing.  You can have the best intentions, but if he doesn't buy in to it, then nothing will change.

I agree with that totally ,the best way when they leave is to leave them alone and don't answer them if they contact you again ... .

[unicorn2014]

Anna and Knight I can relate to both of you.

Anna that is a very good analogy about the BPD person speaking one language and the rest of the family speaking another.

You sound like you have good mental clarity.