So crying today, why?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just have no idea, today I cry all the time, alwready whole morning. I'm so tired of this crying. Yesterday I had such great time, I was invited into the company of 5 people, and it was so great, we were all single, but... .On my way home, I started to cry in my car, I miss him soo much! I almost wrote message to him, to say I miss him.

It is a New Year and I have no one to rally love, who would really trully love me. Why is it so hard still now, after 7 weeks from our brake up?

I just love my pillow today... .

It is so hard to know he has a replacement girl, that he hugs her, loves her,... .and I'm so damn angry about myself I feel so alone. I have my familly, my friends, but it is not the same.

Oh... .I don't know. I was so excited yesterday that new year is comming. And today... .I don't feel like it. I'm so angry at him, so angry, he was like that. I had planned all my life with him, kids with him, marriage,... everything, and now, I feel so abandoned.  

[donotunderstand]

I just have no idea, today I cry all the time, alwready whole morning. I'm so tired of this crying. Yesterday I had such great time, I was invited into the company of 5 people, and it was so great, we were all single, but... .On my way home, I started to cry in my car, I miss him soo much! I almost wrote message to him, to say I miss him.

It is a New Year and I have no one to rally love, who would really trully love me. Why is it so hard still now, after 7 weeks from our brake up?

I just love my pillow today... .

It is so hard to know he has a replacement girl, that he hugs her, loves her,... .and I'm so damn angry about myself I feel so alone. I have my familly, my friends, but it is not the same.

Oh... .I don't know. I was so excited yesterday that new year is comming. And today... .I don't feel like it. I'm so angry at him, so angry, he was like that. I had planned all my life with him, kids with him, marriage,... everything, and now, I feel so abandoned.  

[C.Stein]

I also have good and bad days.  The dream I had shared with my ex was very personal to me and she was the only person I had ever shared it with.  Slowly she destroyed that dream by pushing me away with her behavior towards me.  While that behavior didn't happen all that often, she never tried to repair the damage when it did.  She was a specialist at sweeping things under the rug and I let her do it.  By doing this it effectively kept the wound open, I never healed, and each time she hurt me the wound would just get deeper and the wall higher.  This is something I failed at in my relationship.  I let things get swept under the rug, for a variety of reasons, and it resulted in damaging me and our relationship.

I am also angry (sometimes livid) at how she treated me, how dismissive, cold-hearted and thoughtless she has been.  She was the center of my life for 2 years now it is like I never existed.  Being deleted, abandon, discarded and replaced (before being discarded) by the person you opened up to more than anyone in your life is devastating.  Even though I knew my ex was capable of doing something like this I choose to believe in her and her capacity to be more than what she had been in the past.  I was wrong and it certainly makes me question my own judgement and belief in people in general.  This all has left a huge hole inside of me, in my heart, but it will heal eventually.  

We will never forget what happened but we will move forward, hopefully stronger and wiser.  Have faith in yourself.  

[donotunderstand]

I also have good and bad days.  The dream I had shared with my ex was very personal to me and she was the only person I had ever shared it with.  Slowly she destroyed that dream by pushing me away with her behavior towards me.  While that behavior didn't happen all that often, she never tried to repair the damage when it did.  She was a specialist at sweeping things under the rug and I let her do it.  By doing this it effectively kept the wound open, I never healed, and each time she hurt me the wound would just get deeper and the wall higher.  This is something I failed at in my relationship.  I let things get swept under the rug, for a variety of reasons, and it resulted in damaging me and our relationship.

I am also angry (sometimes livid) at how she treated me, how dismissive, cold-hearted and thoughtless she has been.  She was the center of my life for 2 years now it is like I never existed.  Being deleted, abandon, discarded and replaced (before being discarded) by the person you opened up to more than anyone in your life is devastating.  Even though I knew my ex was capable of doing something like this I choose to believe in her and her capacity to be more than what she had been in the past.  I was wrong and it certainly makes me question my own judgement and belief in people in general.  This all has left a huge hole inside of me, in my heart, but it will heal eventually.  

We will never forget what happened but we will move forward, hopefully stronger and wiser.  Have faith in yourself.  

CStein, thank you for your words. As you said, your wounds didn't healed, and then one problem and another one, makes those wounds bigger, deeper, it pains much more at the time. I felt this way as you did. He would try to make thinks work, sometimes he wouldn't understand my pain, I tried to talk to him about my pain, why I feel so abandoned, so lonly near him, but he never really understand me deeply. He would say to me he would have kids with me, he would alway say I would be such great mum to his kids. I alwready have one child, i raise it by myself, and I know I am a good mum. So I believed him, when he said he would like to have kids with me. Than I gor pregnant, I was so happy to have a child with him. But unfortinatly the baby wasn't ok, didn't grow in my belly. So I had to have an abortus. But before I found out about problems with the baby, he didn't even seem's to be happy for a my pregnancy, he wouldn't even kiss me, hug me, nothing! He pulled a pillow on him, and he was scared like a little child! I didn't get also much support from him after I came from a hospital. And I'm still in pain because of that.

That was also the big crush, big moment, when I found out, this isn't a man I should live with. How can I live with him, when he doesn't even support me, when I was crush about the baby? What a man can do this? So this broke my heart literaly. I couldn't forget this, I would always bring that thing up, in every fight. It just broke my heart. I do still grieve, and see that ultrasound picture of my baby it didn't survive.

So our relationship went down every moment more and more after that time. He would ignore my feeelings all the time, would ignore me, would not call me all the day, would not ask me if I was ok.

Why they don't have any empathy for other feelings? Before I found out about BPD, I thought it was just his ego, and his childhood and personality. But now I see this is BPD after all.

[C.Stein]

Why they don't have any empathy for other feelings?

I wish I knew.  My ex never seemed capable of showing empathy or compassion for me when I was hurting, especially when she was the source of that hurt.  She might occasionally express she was sorry for hurting me but that was as much as I got before it all got swept under the rug.   To be honest, I don't even know now if those apologies were even sincere.  I think maybe when she caused me pain she just couldn't handle her own internal emotions so she did her best to just avoid them.

This resulted in marginalizing and ignoring my emotions and essentially ignoring the impact her behavior had on me.  To recognize the hurt she caused, to truly accept responsibility for her actions instead of pointing fingers, this is something that is just to painful for her (I assume) so she swept it under the rug, ignored, marginalized, avoided ... .so she wouldn't have to face herself and the consequences of her actions.

I do think this is understandable to some extent, no one really wants to face uncomfortable and hurtful things they do.  That said, if I had been the one who had hurt her I would be bending over backwards to make it right, not sweep it under the rug and pretend like nothing ever happened.

It is hard to see the words not match the actions.  My ex would tell me all the time she just wants to take care of me ... .yet when it came time to do that the actions just weren't there.  I'm not only talking about emotionally either.  Earlier this year I was experiencing some of the worst pain I had ever felt.  It happened to be right around lunch time and I sent her a text.  Her response ... .you’re probably just hungry.   She was completely dismissive and now I believe it was because she was too busy flirting with my replacement to even give me the time of day.  Long story short I ended up in the ER for the first time in my life.  

Did she ask how I was doing later that day?  Nope, didn't happen.  So I didn't tell her about my trip to the ER that day.  I did eventually tell her and her response was who picked you up.  REALLY!  She was more concerned with who picked me up than my health ... .and she never even asked if I was ok nor did she show any concern for me at all.  This coming from the person who had told me so many times how much she wanted to take care of me.  

It is really hard to accept, and it hurts like hell, when the actions don't match the words, especially when undying love and caring is professed.  It is like being kicked in the face while they are telling you how much they love you and care for your well being.    This behavior is extremely difficult to understand and cope with.

I am so sorry you had to go through that with your ex.  It is not right nor is it excusable ... .BPD or not.

[donotunderstand]

CStein, your story is much the same as mine is. It wasn't just this abortus I had, this was really traumatic experience, and I won't forget it never in my life. I'm just sorry this happend to a guy I believed it was the wright man for me.

As you said, you were in ER, and she didn't even care for you. I'm sorry to hear that. In Februar 2015 I was driving on my way home on the road. And I had an pneumonia and inflammation of the lungs. I hurt me so much, I couldn't drive anymore. So I stoped the car on one side, and called him, for a help. I said I can't breathe, I can't do anything, I was in such pain my phone droped down. He never called back... .so I called my father for a help. Father took me to the Hospital. He didn't call me back either, he just ignored me, like nothing happend. After 3-4 hours later he send me just a message, he hopes everything is OK with me! What? I was in hospital, he ignored my pain, didn't even asked if I need help, and he just sent me a message. I couldn't believe it. Then his excuse was just, that he didn't wont to bother me.

Can you believe it?

Other thing was, after that I had an pneumina second time. This time, he took me to the hospital, but he didn't help me nothing. He just went 5 meters away from me, so he wouldn't get some illnes from me! This isn't a human being.

[hope2727]

We cry because we love them. We cry because we were hurt. We cry because we struggle with all the fall out left behind and no one really understands.

I cried all day yesterday too. I literally couldn't stop. So you are not alone.

Keep going. You are not alone.

[thisagain]

  I'm so sorry you had to go through all that!

I get the surprise crying too, a couple times a month or so. 7 weeks is really not a long time, especially considering that this was a really serious relationship that you planned to be in for the rest of your life. I'd really recommend some therapy for yourself if you have access to it, to sort out feelings like "who would really truly love me." You deserve to be loved by someone who can also show you support and empathy!

Funny how we've had such similar experiences... .One time I had to go to the ER and my ex threw a fit (literally curled up on my triage room bed sobbing and then left me alone for hours). Because by being in the ER, I'd supposedly "ruined her trip" to this city, which was actually a trip for me to see a specialist. That taught me to have boundaries around her involvement in my medical care and not depend on her for empathy.

[donotunderstand]

Hope2727, I do still love him. I know I do, and I can't help it. Time will heal my heart due the time, long time. Are you feeling better today after all?

Thisagain, it isn't long, this 7 weeks, but after I knew for his cheating, and all lies, and all that, I'm surpriced I still care for him. I feel so stupid. We do rally have similar experiences. 

[hope2727]

Hope2727, I do still love him. I know I do, and I can't help it. Time will heal my heart due the time, long time. Are you feeling better today after all?

Thisagain, it isn't long, this 7 weeks, but after I knew for his cheating, and all lies, and all that, I'm surpriced I still care for him. I feel so stupid. We do rally have similar experiences. 

I am a bit better thanks for asking. I really miss and still love him. I just can't bare his treatment and unpredictability. Meanwhile today I have a good friend back in hospital with post surgical complications so I am focusing on that at the moment.

I hope you are feeling a bit better too. I know its hard. I refuse to deny my love for him. I also refuse to be treated badly. He has someone new he is idealizing. So he is focused on that. I am focusing on myself. I have let myself get really seriously out of shape so I am working toward being healthy again. Its tough but doable. I hope you can find some good goals and projects to focus on. I know its tough but we need to not allow them to much of our time and emotion anymore. Mine certainly consumed enough of mine to last a life time.

[once removed]

hey donotunderstand 

im sorry youre having a hard day  . you are grieving a relationship, a partner, memories, and the future you had planned. please, cry all you need to, and remember that we are here for you every step of the way.

you arent just grieving a relationship, of course, it was a volatile relationship, likely with extreme highs and lows and as our bodies and psyche become conditioned to that, grieving can be as up and down with wild swings not really unlike the relationship itself. i too, had the surprise crying. i was actually riding a wild high at the time, almost elated; i was really feeling the freedom from the relationship. suddenly i heard a voice in my head say "she hurt me so bad", and i lost it. for several months i had daily crying spells. that wasnt all just grieving, the conditioning of constant anxiety and adrenaline took a real toll on me and my body. couple that with the very painful "surprise twist" ending, and feeling as if you didnt know who you were with and it really compounds and complicates the grieving process  .

in other words, this is complex stuff, and what you are feeling and experiencing is natural. let it out as it comes. it wont last forever, but id suggest you expect some of the unexpected and be gentle toward yourself in this process.

[donotunderstand]

Thank you all 

Hope2727, I'm glad you are feeling a little bit better now. I do to now, I cried all day today, but I feel better now. Somehow I had to cry out this. Hope for better tomorrow. So your ex also found a replacement alwready. Did he cheated on you, as mine did? Tomorrow I'm just going for a long walk, or running, something for myself. Because of crying all day I had really big headache. When did you two split?

Once removed, thank you for your kindness, it helps when someone listens and actually hears me, and knows what am I talking about. My familly just says forget him, he isn't worth it, of your sadness, don't cry. They don't understan our relationship with BPD. I know it is better for me to be single now, to let go of him, not to remember him. But people don't understand it isn't just that, its much more! Because it was a volatile relationship. Today I just kept in my mind, how he hurt me, how he would make a really a life story of our lives. He would talking about the kids, our house, home, everything. And it seems that was just his idealization, just to pull me back, when something went wrong, when we had downs. I'm dissapointed I could even believe him, to be honest with me. Thats why I cried so much today, because I dissapointed myself with believing him. And he just found a replacement as soon as he felt I could leave him because BPD. Because I read all about it a month before our break up, so he new I wasn't happy with him, with the attitude he had to me. So he actually betrayed me, our love, and hurt me. And he hoped to be with me, if I didn't found out about the cheating.

[once removed]

My familly just says forget him, he isn't worth it, of your sadness, don't cry.

its kinda like someone telling you to "choose happiness" huh. your family probably means well. people often say what we think would comfort us, and that can be tricky and invalidating whether weve experienced it or not, because we are speaking for ourselves as opposed to listening to and validating anothers pain. we do understand, idonotunderstand . im close to my close friends, but each on different levels and familiarity. some of my best friends are fantastic friends in many ways but maybe not the best shoulder to cry on, at least in certain cases, and i find if i try, i just feel more upset. this is a place where you can share your struggles, be heard, and understood. have you also considered seeing a therapist?

i know the experience of feeling like a fool, feeling like you had the wool pulled over your eyes, and feeling betrayed. i found it comforting the more i learned about BPD - my ex meant everything she said at the time, and she meant it intensely. the same is likely true for your ex. you werent just some sucker. his actions were frantic, and/or impulsive efforts to avoid any perceived sense of abandonment.

is he diagnosed? i can see why you learning about BPD would scare him. there is a lot of stigma attached to BPD, and pwBPD are hypervigilant for signs you could leave them as it is. there is usually also a lot of shame surrounding cheating, and while a pwBPD may cheat to avoid abandonment feelings, they will also go to great lengths to avoid feeling shame.

[donotunderstand]

Once removed, thanks for your story. No, I didn't go on a therapy, I make it by myself, go for a run, walk, read literature, books, this forum helps a lot! 

It was so, as you said. He would ran out from relationship, when he saw I knew about BPD, then he went to find another person, to fill his ego.