Well that's that

[MapleBob]

My ex cut off contact with me tonight, so I guess I'll be over on the "Leaving/Recovering" portion of the site for a while at least. She said a lot of things, but she was pretty clear about it. Said she "doesn't have what it takes to know me" and that she likes and loves me, and that she didn't ever want to be friends, she wants "what he had when we were together but better" and doesn't believe that we could do it. That there's no point and that she's constantly angry and mean to me and that she has a lot of work to do to not be that way anymore. Fairly accountable, I guess. She said she'd reach out some day "if the timing was ever better". Not sure what that means, but I won't be holding my breath. Thanks for all the help over here - it did make a difference, and I'm letting her go with strong acknowledgement from her that I did my best and that it's HER, not me, who sabotaged this getting better.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Anez]

Sorry to hear that, Bob.

It really is her who sabotaged it. It's what they do. I heard similar things from my ex when she kicked me to the curb.  We deserve better tho it's hard to go through this, as we both know.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

[MapleBob]

Pretty devastated this morning. We texted a little bit, but she's sticking to it. Ten months of post-breakup struggle and that's just it. I'm not beating myself up, I'm just heartbroken that she gave up, and stubbornly kept me in limbo and then left because of it. What a waste. I feel like she'll be back, once it sinks in, but she truly believes in this moment that she's making a good decision, which blows my mind. Tossing away people who love you and who you love is just not what I believe in. So I guess we're not compatible.

[MapleBob]

The hard part is knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are still feelings we have for each other, but that she's just too dysregulated to do the work. That's really rotten. She's still "angry and overwhelmed MOST of the time", after ten months!

She'll be back, and it will be too late. You can't fuel running from love with anger for very long. Or she'll "find a relationship she feels good about." Good luck!

[Anez]

Yup, it definitely hurts a lot. And you just sit there wondering why someone who cared so much about you just a short time ago now wants nothing to do with you and it drives you nuts.

But these women have a mental illness and there's nothing we can do about it.

[ProKonig]

Sorry to here your struggles.

For you it sucks... .but you'll move on. If you've learnt something about yourself and you're a more understand person, you're probably a better partner when someone comes next.

I think the sad thing is for BPD people. I'm not an expert on the stats surrounding it, but some will maybe work out their issues themselves, some will seek professional help and improve, some will go on a cycle of failed relationships all their lives because of their sabotage. Sometimes we want to be the ones to fix it, but it really depends on the other person.

If you can't help her, or she won't go into therapy, then you've done all you can. Pat yourself on the back and walk away stronger.

I know it's tough, but if we take the right things away from it, we heal and we're strong, better people for it.

[howard]

be thankful. what is worse is when they will not leave, threaten you in numerous ways, and they threaten to kill themselves if you leave them. Take some time for yourself. Keep your distance now. I am sure it will be hard as break up always are BUT be grateful that you have a chance at a life and finding someone who does not take take take while giving nothing but pain and selfish tantrums. Some days I wish my BPD would make that kind of decision. Instead I get bombarded with having to solve all their problems and when I get frustrated as humans do, I get anger, tantrums and threats. So I always have to keep giving by living in a stand by mode for the possible day they will just go away or actually follow through on their death obsession. This is pure hell.  Be glad to be pushed up to purgatory.

[MapleBob]

Thanks, everybody. It's a really hard day here.

I think the sad thing is for BPD people. I'm not an expert on the stats surrounding it, but some will maybe work out their issues themselves, some will seek professional help and improve, some will go on a cycle of failed relationships all their lives because of their sabotage. Sometimes we want to be the ones to fix it, but it really depends on the other person.

If you can't help her, or she won't go into therapy, then you've done all you can. Pat yourself on the back and walk away stronger.

I'm definitely sad for her. She is in therapy, she's just not doing work about this relationship, which is one of the things that has blown my mind for months. I talked to a friend this morning who knows the whole sad tale already and she said basically "you did WAY more than you should have to keep her, you were WAY better to her than she deserved, and you can't fix her, and it won't get better, and you can't have a healthy relationship with a person who isn't sane, because you, (Maple), are sane."

We'll have one more point of contact later this week, but after that I just don't know. She's well aware that she routinely sabotaged this relationship, and admitted to being mean/insulting/cruel/rude/dysregulated to push me away, and said that she didn't really want a friendship, she wanted to be with me, but isn't capable of being the person I need. It was funny to hear her say that she wants to find a relationship she "can feel good about" when it's all pretty much on her. At least I can walk away knowing that I did my best, and that she understands how I feel about her, acknowleges her responsibility, and that she's free to be in touch with me if/when she wants to. It's going to be a long time before she is capable of being on my level, if ever, or of letting go of her ridiculously overblown anger problem towards me.

So much love and labor lost.

[MapleBob]

God I wish that this had played out differently. It's awful when they quit and you have to let them, especially when you know they aren't capable of getting to where you need them to be. This stupid disorder.

[Anez]

Totally know how you feel. My ex absolutely was consumed by me and I with her. We had a great weekend away in the end of August, we laughed all the way home. The next week she left some stuff at my place and that's the last time she came over.

She said she had to work on herself so relationships meant more to her in the future.

And now she never initiates contact and I keep looking at my fun wondering if she sent a text while knowing there's no way she sent a text.

It sucks, maple. It really sucks. Hang in there.

[kc sunshine]

God I wish that this had played out differently. It's awful when they quit and you have to let them, especially when you know they aren't capable of getting to where you need them to be. This stupid disorder.

I so hear you MapleBob, and am sending you so much support. My ex said that BPD ruined all of her relationships. I wish different outcomes were more likely.

[kc sunshine]

And now she never initiates contact and I keep looking at my fun wondering if she sent a text while knowing there's no way she sent a text.

The phone is totally my instrument of torture as well... .oh man, the no texts are so painful. How long as it been Anez?

[Anez]

She hasn't initiated since prob early October when she had a death in the family. She replies nicely to my texts but it's a lot different from what it was. Painful.

[MapleBob]

Fortunately for me, ten months of steadily decreased contact has weaned me off of expecting her to reach out. If anything contact was increasing over the last month and it kind of noticeably threw me off. How very BPD of her to make me think things might be getting better before pulling the rug out from under me!

[MapleBob]

Lovely. Her Christmas package to me just arrived. In a card dated December 15th (two weeks ago!) she's all sweet, signs it with love, and says that she's "looking forward to talking to me in the new year". Guess a lot much have changed in two weeks then? 

[1minuteatatime]

Lovely. Her Christmas package to me just arrived. In a card dated December 15th (two weeks ago!) she's all sweet, signs it with love, and says that she's "looking forward to talking to me in the new year". Guess a lot much have changed in two weeks then? 

I threw away all of the cards.  Too painful to have around.  Every remnant of her is out of sight.  Gifts, things she bought me(she liked to get me stuff at first) in a box, email folder, mailed to my sister.  She may have noticed when she came over 12-26, but that is our business, right? 

[MapleBob]

Lovely. Her Christmas package to me just arrived. In a card dated December 15th (two weeks ago!) she's all sweet, signs it with love, and says that she's "looking forward to talking to me in the new year". Guess a lot much have changed in two weeks then? 

I threw away all of the cards.  Too painful to have around.  Every remnant of her is out of sight.  Gifts, things she bought me(she liked to get me stuff at first) in a box, email folder, mailed to my sister.  She may have noticed when she came over 12-26, but that is our business, right? 

Oh I definitely file this stuff away out of sight. She does that too. All of the pictures are on an external hard drive, and all of the letters and such are buried in a box in a drawer that I open maybe once a year. It's just ironic to get a letter where she's being sweet and talking about the future, and to be where we are now two weeks later, and be hearing the complete opposite. Knowing that I did nothing in the intervening time to warrant being pushed away again.

[Anez]

Man.

that's all i can say about the letter and what has since happened to you.

man.

[MapleBob]

Man.

that's all i can say about the letter and what has since happened to you.

man.

Right? I mean, I'm crushed and everything, but I'm mostly flabbergasted. It really drives home the clear pattern: she will sabotage any peace that we build, regardless of what I do. And she'll find a way to blame me for it.

I get it: she's super emotional, needs tons of validation, needs time/space, needs peace to heal, needs less pressure, needs more (or less?) intimacy from me ... .but whenever I do "the right thing" and it works: sabotage. So there's literally nothing I can do about it! Like, I thought that would stop. I thought it would get easier.

[steve195915]

Man.

that's all i can say about the letter and what has since happened to you.

man.

Right? I mean, I'm crushed and everything, but I'm mostly flabbergasted. It really drives home the clear pattern: she will sabotage any peace that we build, regardless of what I do. And she'll find a way to blame me for it.

I get it: she's super emotional, needs tons of validation, needs time/space, needs peace to heal, needs less pressure, needs more (or less?) intimacy from me ... .but whenever I do "the right thing" and it works: sabotage. So there's literally nothing I can do about it! Like, I thought that would stop. I thought it would get easier.

Quite the soap opera Bob, it really stinks and I can relate to your pain.  So what if she contacts you again how will you take it and what will you do?  Do you think you can go without trying to contact her?

[MapleBob]

I don't know what I'll do if she contacts me again after Friday. I really don't think she will, not for a good long while at least. I told her that we could have stopped fighting at any time, and she replied "I can't, and that's the problem." You know, two days after she wanted to get to know me better again. 

And I don't know if I can stay away from her. I think I can this time, it's gotten pretty bad (and it was bad before!). I know it's pretty much putting my hand on the stove at this point.

[MapleBob]

Is my best bet to just agree with her, tell her that I love her and really wished that things could be different, that I tried, and then just walk away for good? This is pretty grim.

[MapleBob]

She's actually now refusing to do a voice call and will only text me on Friday to say goodbyes and get clear or whatever. 

[steve195915]

Is my best bet to just agree with her, tell her that I love her and really wished that things could be different, that I tried, and then just walk away for good? This is pretty grim.

What are you meaning by "best bet", best bet for what?  Why would you agree with her if you actually don't?  I suggest you figure out what you want and what is realistic in this situation and what you can live with.  It's obvious she is not ready for a relationship like you would like so your choices are to move on or accept things for what they are.

If you choose to move on, then NC is usually the best way to accomplish this and you should just tell her you love her and wish things could be different but you must move on with your life and NC is the best way to accomplish this and you wish her well.

If you are willing to hang in there and get the occasional phone calls and texts, to not talk about or pressure her about relationship things, then tell her you care for her and you would like more but you are fine being friends, would like to stay in contact, and to be there when she needs someone to talk to.  Just ask her if she's ok with this scenario of you two staying as friends.  

Take control Bob and decide for yourself.

[1minuteatatime]

She's actually now refusing to do a voice call and will only text me on Friday to say goodbyes and get clear or whatever. 

Maple-  can you tell me what your 3 favorite things to do are?  Other than talk with her?

some of my favorite things are-

cycling

listening to music

hanging out with friends at the little bar and grill I go to.

work-  yes I like work

smoke a cigar with an ounce or two of scotch

playing poker-  online free or with friends for 20 bucks

listen to live music

[1minuteatatime]

She's actually now refusing to do a voice call and will only text me on Friday to say goodbyes and get clear or whatever. 

The advice I got was to do something completely out of my "comfort zone".  That something was to contact her.  To reach out to her. 

I have read all of your situation, Bob.  I suggest that you also do something completely out of your comfort zone.  Do not contact her for 60 days.  Do not respond to "bread crumbs" or even an attempt by her to arrange a meet up.  If she wants to see you, she knows exactly where you are.  Make her work for you. You are worth it.

Do not be "friends".  There is no such thing.  Maybe after a year or 2.  Maybe.  Not now, though.

It will be tough.  Call everyone in your phone when you want to talk to her.  Text yourself.  Get immersed in something amazing.  Apply for jobs.  Start a workout regimen.  Get back online in dating.  Go out to your hangouts and meet women(and hang with the guys)

She will be shocked if you go out of your comfort zone.  You will be too, in 30 days... .

You will feel like "you" again.  Confident.  Sexy.  available.  Cool.  POF's in the sea.

[MapleBob]

If you are willing to hang in there and get the occasional phone calls and texts, to not talk about or pressure her about relationship things, then tell her you care for her and you would like more but you are fine being friends, would like to stay in contact, and to be there when she needs someone to talk to.  Just ask her if she's ok with this scenario of you two staying as friends.  

That's exactly what we were doing, but all of a sudden that's too much for her. She dysregulated again, and I'm not really sure why. If anything I've been an increasingly better friend to her as the past ten months have progressed.

I guess the question really is: how much bridge do I let her burn? What's my best bet for her getting back in touch after she's settled a bit and realized what she's done (which I think will eventually happen). How do you leave it open-ended, but not?

And @1minute:

Lots of things! I still do them, and they're good distractions, but they're harder to enjoy at the moment.

[MapleBob]

I have read all of your situation, Bob.  I suggest that you also do something completely out of your comfort zone.  Do not contact her for 60 days.  Do not respond to "bread crumbs" or even an attempt by her to arrange a meet up.  If she wants to see you, she knows exactly where you are.  Make her work for you. You are worth it.

Do not be "friends".  There is no such thing.  Maybe after a year or 2.  Maybe.  Not now, though.

I like that advice! There's just no way she's going to know about it if I do go out of my comfort zone. After Friday I'm definitely doing no contact for a while, and we'll see if she ever reaches out. She hasn't "worked for me" in a pretty long time. Maybe actually losing me will do the trick, but I doubt it.

[1minuteatatime]

If you are willing to hang in there and get the occasional phone calls and texts, to not talk about or pressure her about relationship things, then tell her you care for her and you would like more but you are fine being friends, would like to stay in contact, and to be there when she needs someone to talk to.  Just ask her if she's ok with this scenario of you two staying as friends.  

That's exactly what we were doing, but all of a sudden that's too much for her. She dysregulated again, and I'm not really sure why. If anything I've been an increasingly better friend to her as the past ten months have progressed.

I guess the question really is: how much bridge do I let her burn? What's my best bet for her getting back in touch after she's settled a bit and realized what she's done (which I think will eventually happen). How do you leave it open-ended, but not?

And @1minute:

Lots of things! I still do them, and they're good distractions, but they're harder to enjoy at the moment.

No contact works.  They don't forget about you if they loved you.  It makes them remember the good times and yearn for you.  She isn't yearning for you.  She is overwhelmed by you.  You must give her space if you want her back.  Tons and tons of space.  

You must also realize that no contact is really for you, not her.  It helps you not be dysregulated and disjointed.  Trust me.  I was and still am a bit.  :)ay by day.  minute by minute.  1minuteatatime.

[1minuteatatime]

Maple-

I sent you a personal message.