I'm sorry I did this

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

As my topics says I'm sorry I said some thinks I didn't mean it. We broke up 2 months ago. One month ago he wrote me an e-mail where he appologised for all the thinks he did to me. For those who don't know my story, he cheated on me, found replacement during our relationship, abused me physicaly, lied about everything he could.

Well at that time he wrote a letter to me (1 month ago), I was crying, and said to forgive him for everything, and I will love him till my death. He was saying he would like to be a better person to his new one, than he was to me. I don't know why I said that, probably because I wanted him to say the same. He did said that. He also said he is with that woman, he cheated on me. I said to him I do forgive him, and want him good luck! So,... .it bothers me the thing, that he thinks I will love him till my death, no I won't! Apsolutelly not! But his ego is now big, he knows I'm hurting, and I don't want that anymore.

I'm feeling much better now, than I was one month ago,... sometimes it gets me, to write him a letter, I DON'T forgive him for nothing! And I'm sorry for him, he is such a lier, cheater, bustard, and idiot! But then,... .why would I?

I dont know... .would you write or not? I just don't like the fact I said that to him at that time, I don't wont for him to think about me, I will wait for him, or I will not love anyone else, or I won't go for a dates,... .

[donotunderstand]

As my topics says I'm sorry I said some thinks I didn't mean it. We broke up 2 months ago. One month ago he wrote me an e-mail where he appologised for all the thinks he did to me. For those who don't know my story, he cheated on me, found replacement during our relationship, abused me physicaly, lied about everything he could.

Well at that time he wrote a letter to me (1 month ago), I was crying, and said to forgive him for everything, and I will love him till my death. He was saying he would like to be a better person to his new one, than he was to me. I don't know why I said that, probably because I wanted him to say the same. He did said that. He also said he is with that woman, he cheated on me. I said to him I do forgive him, and want him good luck! So,... .it bothers me the thing, that he thinks I will love him till my death, no I won't! Apsolutelly not! But his ego is now big, he knows I'm hurting, and I don't want that anymore.

I'm feeling much better now, than I was one month ago,... sometimes it gets me, to write him a letter, I DON'T forgive him for nothing! And I'm sorry for him, he is such a lier, cheater, bustard, and idiot! But then,... .why would I?

I dont know... .would you write or not? I just don't like the fact I said that to him at that time, I don't wont for him to think about me, I will wait for him, or I will not love anyone else, or I won't go for a dates,... .

[Caley]

It hurt to even read this ...

Not good for you to put yourself in a position to allow him to talk about his plans to treat his new partner better than you ... .Ouch, ouch, ouch ... how insensitive ... and why would he feel you would benefit from this knowledge except to twist the knife even more?

Write ... write it all out ... Everything ... .but don't send it ... get it all out on paper ... read it and then try this ...

Take your letter into the garden or some place quiet ... .and burn it ... watch all the embers float away into the sky ... and then never have anymore contact with him again. EVER.

Bless you.

[Learning_curve74]

I'm sorry you're hurting and having these feelings, donotunderstand. It doesn't feel good to think that he was such a liar and cheater and now he might even think you were okay with it.

Of course everybody wants to express themselves and be heard and understood. So it's understandable and reasonable that you want to write him and tell him how you really feel right now. However, he probably isn't going to care to listen and maybe he'll argue or even ignore you. So how will you feel then and react in turn?

When people feel like writing this kind of letter, they often write it and post it here on the forum instead of sending it to their BPD ex. That way you can be heard by somebody that actually understands and empathizes. Maybe you would consider this?

[donotunderstand]

Caley, I just cried when I read this your post now. He probably enjoyed to hurt me even more, than the betrayal he had made to me, with cheating. What kind of person is he at all? You are right, it is better for me personaly NOT to write him. But I will probably write a letter, and burn it.  He left some clothes here, and I just burned them, it felt so good! This with the letter is probably good idea.

Learning_curve74, he didn't expect me to understand him, but he even didn't care for me anymore, for my feelings. He knows he is rally bad person, he has such a low self-esteem, he doesn't like himself, and he knows he won't be good partner to anyone.

I would be dissapointed if wouldn't write me back, it would hurt me, so it is better for me not to try to reach out. Why would he get my attention, and probably he would ignore me, as I dumped him. He doesn't care for my feelings.

[Caley]

Hahaha ... OK ... well, I'm not saying that burning his clothes is the prescribed thing to do ... but, at the same time ... if, by doing so, you felt a little better ... then good.

I will promise you this ... the only way out is to adopt a strict policy of No Contact ... COMPLETELY. For people who behave in this way ... No Contact is kryptonite ... OK, so you've burnt his clothes ... no going back on that ... can you summon up the strength now to read about No Contact and fully implement it? It is very important.

[donotunderstand]

Hahaha ... OK ... well, I'm not saying that burning his clothes is the prescribed thing to do ... but, at the same time ... if, by doing so, you felt a little better ... then good.

I will promise you this ... the only way out is to adopt a strict policy of No Contact ... COMPLETELY. For people who behave in this way ... No Contact is kryptonite ... OK, so you've burnt his clothes ... no going back on that ... can you summon up the strength now to read about No Contact and fully implement it? It is very important.

LOL noo, I didn't burn it today, after you said so. I found it one month ago, and was thinking of sendim him back this one shirt, just one! And then; what the hell, that can go on a fire. So I did it. It fellt nice, also his all presents to me. I throw them away or burned.

I didn't have any contact with him since I asked him not to contact me in the future. That was about one month ago. Today I had some thoughts, to write him, not to think I love him and forgive him. But thanks to you all here in the forum, I didn't! THANK you!

[Caley]

Then ... I would say you are stronger than many others ... given the same situation. And, you should be very proud of yourself for getting rid of the presents too.

I'm sure everyone here would support your decision to get away ... and keep away.

Best wishes.

[donotunderstand]

Then ... I would say you are stronger than many others ... given the same situation. And, you should be very proud of yourself for getting rid of the presents too.

I'm sure everyone here would support your decision to get away ... and keep away.

Best wishes.

Oh, that is just really nice to hear from you Caley!   I'm doing my best. But you see, it comes sometimes a moment when I just think of writing. But then I try not to. It is succesfull till now. Thank you for all best wishes.

[Learning_curve74]

It's hard to get over these types of relationships. You are always welcome to post on the boards whenever it gets tough. Sounds like you're being strong! Good job, donotunderstand!  

[Confused?]

As my topics says I'm sorry I said some thinks I didn't mean it. We broke up 2 months ago. One month ago he wrote me an e-mail where he appologised for all the thinks he did to me. For those who don't know my story, he cheated on me, found replacement during our relationship, abused me physicaly, lied about everything he could.

Well at that time he wrote a letter to me (1 month ago), I was crying, and said to forgive him for everything, and I will love him till my death. He was saying he would like to be a better person to his new one, than he was to me. I don't know why I said that, probably because I wanted him to say the same. He did said that. He also said he is with that woman, he cheated on me. I said to him I do forgive him, and want him good luck! So,... .it bothers me the thing, that he thinks I will love him till my death, no I won't! Apsolutelly not! But his ego is now big, he knows I'm hurting, and I don't want that anymore.

I'm feeling much better now, than I was one month ago,... sometimes it gets me, to write him a letter, I DON'T forgive him for nothing! And I'm sorry for him, he is such a lier, cheater, bustard, and idiot! But then,... .why would I?

I dont know... .would you write or not? I just don't like the fact I said that to him at that time, I don't wont for him to think about me, I will wait for him, or I will not love anyone else, or I won't go for a dates,... .

Forgiving and love is what separates us from pwBPD. You may regret saying those things now but it speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. I will always love my ex. Even after everything she did to me. The fact that I did everything I could for her and never stopped loving her shows what kind of person I am compared to her. She isn't capable of the same healthy love us nons are. It will be something she will never truly know. That is a victory you can take out of what you wrote him. Just imagine months down the road and him reading that and he knows how badly he messed up. You are a great person. He doesn't deserve you.

[donotunderstand]

Learning_curve74, I've been trying to not be hard to myself, I do love him still. Day after day it gets better. I feell better today and I know it is better for me to stay in NC as I did till now.

Confused? Your words also made me little cry at this moment. I know I have big heart, he knows it too. He said to me one month ago, on our last contact per e-mail, that he knows he won't find anyone else who would like and love him, as much as I did. And that also must have hurt him to. Specially my letter to him this day when I said to him I was commited to him to spend all my life with him, till death seperates us. But, he wasn't the kind of a man, that would be prepared to do something like that. That day he said to me, he regrets his feelings to me, he wasn't so kind to me, and loving, as I were to him, even he did so terrible thinks to me. And he was sorry he didn't ask me to marry him. But in that moment we were just like a roler coaster, and I know the answer to him would be NO. Cause he never seemed to be prepared to do anything, not to have children at his 42 years, not to marry anyone, nothing. Maybe... .one day, he'll find someone to marry her and he'll have kids.

Thank you!