She's Having Trouble With The Kids

[Turkish]

uBPD mom moved out coming up on two years ago. We've had joint custody since, with me unofficially getting extra time on her days due to her activities, but probably not over ten percent more over a year.

I had the kids for Christmas week, though I gave her one night during my week. She's had them for 7 days straight, sans 4 hours I watched them on the weekend due to her being called into work. We had a great 4 hours. A friend of mine who visited, who last saw the kids around Halloween, said that he hadn't seen D3 that happy or talkative ever. D3 didn't want to go back, which was a switch from recent months, where she cinstantly says, "I miss Mommy!"

Last night, their mom called me to talk about some things. She's had some trouble with both kids. Last month, she said that she took them to a restaurant and they were running down the aisles and it was driving her nuts and she got mad. I validated that. She asked if I had the same problem and I said no. The four of us had lunch in early October and I noticed similar behavior. I asked S5 at the time how old he was. He said 5. I replied that he wasn't going to make it to 6 if he kept acting out. He got a look on his face and calmed down.

My Ex told me last night that she was having dinner with her family this past week. She asked D3 to eat something, and our daughter didn't want to. My Ex insisted (this is a cultural thing, not BPD). D3 slapped her. My Ex grabbed her hand and started validating. She said that her whole family looked across the table, expecting her to do something, so my Ex validated again. D3 slapped her with the other hand My Ex validated.

Her family is old scholl and Old World. Her younger sister even spanks her 1 year old. I'm not averse to spanking per se, but a 1 yo? I reminded my Ex that even though forms of spanking are legal in our state, that the custody order forbids it. She said that she knows. Her husband also tells my Ex to default to spanking. So she's under a lot of fOG. I said that I would have no problem reminding anybody of this (healthy triangulation, probably).

D3 went through a hitting phase. S5 is still coming out of it, but our daughter has never slapped me. I told my Ex that while validating was fine, it was better to do later. I would have taken our daughter to a room by herself to go cry there. Or sent her (she goes, and sometimes puts herself on time-outs even when not required, which I find funny). Let her cry, and then go in after ten minutes and talk to her, physical affection and validation...

It's like my Ex has a lot of the pieces, but she gets the out of order. This doesn't mean that I have all of the answers, but it's been working for me thus far. I'm going to talk to D 3.5 this week. My Ex is giving two days on her weekend, which came at the natural end of the week after Christmas. She has a work commitment. This past week has been the longest that she's had the kids by herself, so maybe there's something to that, too.

[unicorn2014]

Turkish, I read this, wrote a reply, didn't think it was worth much, didn't post, came back again after reading your mother story.

For what its worth, and I don't know if this your situation, my ex and I do not share the same cultural background. That definitely has been and continues to be a point of friction in the relationship.

I remember one time when my d15 was younger and my ex had her at the house he was then staying at, my d15 best friend's family, and he had for about 3 days. He was done after that. He couldn't handle it.

I know that's a far cry from your situation but do you think its possible you can get have the kids for more time? I don't know anything about your custody arrangements, if its set to your work schedule or if that is something you are even interested in changing.

I know for myself the only I've thing I've done post divorce is have to enforce child support and that was a long ugly battle but it finally came to a head and was resolved.

Has the thought crossed your mind at all to change the custody arrangement?