I'm hopeful that 2016 is going to be a good year.

[raytamtay3]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'm hopeful that 2016 is going to be a good year.  Oh lord, please let it be!  Things have been going well with DD. She did stay out one night without permission, but did at least let me know unlike before where I'd be going crazy calling around trying to find her.  She was grounded and her phone suspended for a week which is the only leverage I have, and it's good leverage as she climbs the walls when these two things are taken away.

She only has one friend she hangs with now.  I like him.  He wants to be more than friends with her, but she had to tell him only wants to be friends.  They hang at our house which is good because I can keep an eye on them. .  He really cares about my DD and is a very friendly guy who always makes it a point to speak to us when he comes over.  From what I gather, he has a stable family life.  While I'd rather her have a decent girl friend to hang with, I was like her in that I go along better with boys than girls as I hated the drama that usually surrounds girls.

She's been very clingy lately; something I'm trying to get use to since being without for so long.  I catch myself not being able to let down the wall I've built up as a self-preservation mechanism.  I do feel bad about that as I am an extremely loving and affectionate person by nature.  I think it's going to take some time for me to be able to allow myself to open up to affection from her.  It's sad, but necessary.

We have a new in-home family therapist who we both love.  She is fantastic.

She starts the school program tomorrow and just landed a job today as a phone girl at another local pizza establishment.  Fingers crossed.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Dibdob59]

I am so glad for you and pray that this will be the start of calmer, positive period for everyone.

Dibdob

[VegasMom]

Raytamtay3 ... .So glad your 2016 is off to a brighter start! Here's hoping 2016 is a brighter year for us all When I hear positive posts like yours, it give me hope ... .I am praying that things will move in a better direction for my son this year, too ... .God only know something has got to change! Fingers crossed for you and your daughter

[madmom]

Congratulations, hope things continue in such a positive way for all of you.

[NGU 1999]

Great to hear a positive story. I just joined a few days ago and have read about all of the struggles we are going thru. I have a 16yr d old with BPD traits. You are not alone. We should share the positive things (even if they are small "wins" with each other. Today I was greeted with a hi dad when I got home from work. Better than the go away dad. She even shared something positive that happened today.

[lbjnltx]

So good to hear that you are open to hope.

Please work on your ability to accept and receive love from your daughter.  Our kids are very intuitive.



lbj

[Kwamina]

Hi raytamtay3

Happy New Year to you too!

Thanks for this update. You've been through a lot recently so I am very happy that there are now some encouraging positive developments Great that you have the support of family-therapist to help you deal with all of this.

Take care

[raytamtay3]

Just an update on how things are going as I think it's important to reflect on the positive and not just when a crises situation occurs (even though I'm to the point where I'm fearful of posting positive things out of fear that it will somehow jinx the situation). LOL!  Anyway, things are continuing to go very well with DD.  She is still in the accelerated graduation program, working and trying her best at juggling those along with her social life (did we really have that much energy when we were younger?).  She is scoring above average on many of the tests she been given and the teachers and staff are floored at how smart she is as if this was a regular school, she'd have first honors compared to the other students.  And as always, she has everyone wrapped around her pretty little finger.

While the situation with calling her out on what I heard and concluded when she was hanging with that girl was a stressful and scary ordeal, I'm glad a had the b@lls to do it as that girl is out of the picture and I truly believe if she weren't, DD wouldn't be doing as well as she currently is.  :)D mentioned in therapy how even though I scared off all of her female friends, it was for the best as the girl was going down a bad path... .we didn't explore what she meant by that, but may at a later time... .

She's down to two friends.  Well one has developed in to a relationship which DD wanted, but he was cautious until about a week ago where he confessed how he felt about her and now they are semi-dating.  He seems to be a decent enough boy.  He's respectful in that when he comes over, he actually will talk with us.  I've gotten a chance to even speak with him alone after he and I dropped DD off at work one day and I dropped him off at his house after, and he appears to have a good head on his shoulders.  Only time will tell, but as of right now, he seems ok and DD likes him a lot.  Her other friend is a boy (18) who is friend zoned, but who has expressed feeling for her, and she had to tell him straight out she just wants to be friends.  He too talks with us (well me because DH wants nothing to do with any of DD's friends - that' s another story   that I won't get in to), and he comes from what appears to be a stable home.  

DD has goals as well but of course with DD, she wants to go from 0 to 1,000 in every aspect of her life from finishing school to getting a car to moving out.  I had a discussion with her the other day and explained to her that that is not how life works, that she is only 16 and just got out of a facility 4 months ago.  That is takes time and certain things need to take place before things can occur... .

We have the in-home therapist who comes to the house for both DD and I to discuss any conflicts we might have, etc.  She is fabulous! A true gem that I am so thankful to have in our lives and who I will do whatever it takes to keep! Her techniques and approach is spot on! Basically she uses DBT and CBT techniques! DD and I both like her a lot!

I talked to DD recently and told her how proud I am of her.  How she is doing so well and that I can see how hard she is trying.  This was after she asked me to do something for her that had she not been doing as well as she was, would have probably been a no.  I told her I would because of the aforementioned progress she's shown.  She smiled from ear to ear and thanked me.  The thing she asked was for me to take her over to her boyfriend's house tonight.  He lives with his mother, stepfather and sisters.  I am getting better about giving her a little lead but have gotten better about tightening up on that lead when things go south.  So we are both making progress.

DH, on the other hand, still seems to focus on nothing but the negative.  I just cannot live like that any more and made a concerted effort to basically not allow him to bring me down to where I was a few month with feeling extreme depression and extreme anxiety waiting for the shoe to drop.  I will no longer allow myself to be on edge but at the same time, I am not stupid.  My guard is still very much as I know that we still have a long way to go.  But I am looking at the good too and I am letting my DD know that I see her progress and that I am flexible when she does well.

We have two bathrooms.  Our main one and one in my and DH's room.  :)H went to take a shower last night and DD had to use the bathroom badly.  We keep our bedroom door locked at all times.  I wear a key when I am home, at DH's request because he is afraid DD will steal stuff.  I get it - it's happened in the past and could very likely happen again.  I unlocked our door and followed DD into our room and waited outside while she used the bathroom.  Well later that night DH asked me if anyone was in our bathroom and I explained how DD needed to use it.  He said he could tell because that some of his stuff in the medicine cabinet (he has taken over the medicine cabinet in our room), was knocked over, so she must have went in there.  Mind you nothing is in there other than his toothpaste, shaving stuff, etc. But the fact that she was rummaging of course concerned him and he was not happy and going forward wants me to tell her it's not flushing right to avoid her using it... .I said perhaps going forward he could also ask if anyone needs to use the bathroom before he goes to take a shower, which I could tell her did not like the idea of...   As usual he wanted to keep the situation quiet.  Well that is another change I've made recently.  If I know of something DD is doing that is wrong, I talk to her about it. His mindset is that DD would just get more sneaky.  Mine is well possibly, but at the same time if she knows we know something and stops great.  But if she knows we know something yet continues to do it, well then we have a problem.  And guess what folks, so far it's worked! We can agree to disagree on this one... .

So I asked DD if she was in the medicine cabinet as DH noticed his things were knocked over and of course she said no.  But now she knows we know she was in fact in there.  There is no getting over on DH.  He is like that with everything as that was how he was raised.  He can tell when anything is out of place.  Ok dude, whatever floats your boat, but that' not something I need to worry about as I have plenty.

So anyhow, that is where things are right now.  Fingers crossed that things will continue to progress in a positive manner.  

Oh and one more thing.  While I realize this might be construed as "walking on eggshells", I've concluded as I'm sure many of you have, that there are certain times when we can talk to the disordered ones in our lives and that is when they are calm.  I can pinpoint exactly when I can have the aforementioned conversation successfully with DD and when I can't.  That's pretty much with anyone though, but especially with them.

[qcarolr]

  Good boundaries with DH on what you will accept - even if he doesn't really know they exist in a conscious way. Keep on connecting with DD when the seas are calm. That works with my DD29 too. Also have DH that doesn't get what "teaching moment" is about.

qcr

[unicorn2014]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'm hopeful that 2016 is going to be a good year.  Oh lord, please let it be!  Things have been going well with DD. She did stay out one night without permission, but did at least let me know unlike before where I'd be going crazy calling around trying to find her.  She was grounded and her phone suspended for a week which is the only leverage I have, and it's good leverage as she climbs the walls when these two things are taken away.

May I ask how old your daughter is and when she got diagnosed? My daughter is testing my boundaries far harder then that and she refuses counseling so I don't know what is going on with her. She went missing twice over the weekend which resulted in two separate visits by two separate police offers. The corporal actually recommended I not take her phone away in case she goes missing again, that way we can locate her. I had just started taking her phone away as a consequence a couple of weeks ago as her behavior had started escalating.


Your daughter sounds very fortunate to have such a supportive family. I am glad you are helping her so much.

[raytamtay3]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'm hopeful that 2016 is going to be a good year.  Oh lord, please let it be!  Things have been going well with DD. She did stay out one night without permission, but did at least let me know unlike before where I'd be going crazy calling around trying to find her.  She was grounded and her phone suspended for a week which is the only leverage I have, and it's good leverage as she climbs the walls when these two things are taken away.

May I ask how old your daughter is and when she got diagnosed? My daughter is testing my boundaries far harder then that and she refuses counseling so I don't know what is going on with her. She went missing twice over the weekend which resulted in two separate visits by two separate police offers. The corporal actually recommended I not take her phone away in case she goes missing again, that way we can locate her. I had just started taking her phone away as a consequence a couple of weeks ago as her behavior had started escalating.


Your daughter sounds very fortunate to have such a supportive family. I am glad you are helping her so much.

Thank you Unicorn. My DD is 16. She has many diagnoses over the years with the most recent one being bipolar disorder. Can anybody help me to inbed a link to my previous posts so that. Unicorn can get a better understanding of the struggles I've had with DD? I've seen others do it, but don't know how.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[unicorn2014]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'm hopeful that 2016 is going to be a good year.  Oh lord, please let it be!  Things have been going well with DD. She did stay out one night without permission, but did at least let me know unlike before where I'd be going crazy calling around trying to find her.  She was grounded and her phone suspended for a week which is the only leverage I have, and it's good leverage as she climbs the walls when these two things are taken away.

May I ask how old your daughter is and when she got diagnosed? My daughter is testing my boundaries far harder then that and she refuses counseling so I don't know what is going on with her. She went missing twice over the weekend which resulted in two separate visits by two separate police offers. The corporal actually recommended I not take her phone away in case she goes missing again, that way we can locate her. I had just started taking her phone away as a consequence a couple of weeks ago as her behavior had started escalating.


Your daughter sounds very fortunate to have such a supportive family. I am glad you are helping her so much.

Thank you Unicorn. My DD is 16. She has many diagnoses over the years with the most recent one being bipolar disorder. Can anybody help me to inbed a link to my previous posts so that. Unicorn can get a better understanding of the struggles I've had with DD? I've seen others do it, but don't know how.

Mine is 15. I'll look at your posts.

[raytamtay3]

I consider this a safe place to come to vent and I am in need of that right now.  I do ask for opinions on this as I feel like I question myself sometimes on whether or not I am being too critical based on how I feel when things like the following occur with my DH.

Yesterday was another good day with DD.  She has the ability to take one day a week off from school, which she used yesterday, as well as she was off from school.  As it turned out, DD didn't go over her boyfriend's house, which she was very upset about because she found out she couldn't as we were driving over.  She was on the verge of deregulation and was clearly agitated, but she managed to calm herself without me having to utter a word.    So instead, we went any picked up her friend-zoned buddy and he came over for a couple hours until her 10 curfew in which is father picked him up promptly at 10.  :)H makes it a point to remind me to remind DD when it's getting close to curfew time.  I can feel his anxiousness.  He keeps the television turned down low and doesn't talk... .

I can tell DH doesn't like when people come over.  As mentioned before, he was raised by a single Christian mother who is a hoarder and never allowed any of his friends in their house and is extremely protective of her stuff.  I think because he was raised this way is why he is the same way (hoarder and not liking anyone in the house and locks up pretty much everything.  We have multiple storage rooms in our basement that are filled to capacity and locked).  I can feel the tension whenever ANYBODY comes over, except his friends or his mom.  Everything is locked up.  We have cameras in common areas of the house as well as outside front and back.

That isn't the purpose of this email, but rather just to give a general idea how DH is.  It's the sense of him just always looking for anything negative and sometimes the belief of his hoping DD messes up so that I will ground her and not allow anyone over.  I could be very wrong. But I just have this feeling that that is the case.

So last night DD was watching TV with us and was laying down on the sofa.  I went to get her medicine to give to her and she said she would take it before she went to bed, so I laid it on the table with some water near her.  I then went to bed myself.

This morning as soon as DH saw me he said with this really nasty look on his face "T never took her medicine last night.  This is like the 4th time (oh we are keeping track now hugh - I thought) she hasn't taken it.  She obviously doesn't want to take it or she would.  I think next time when you give it to her to tell her either she take it right than and there or nobody is allowed over.  I bet THAT would make her jump out and take it"!  I said calmly "I wish you would have reminded her for me when you saw her get up to go to bed".  No comment - he just stormed off.

So this morning when she came out from getting ready for school, I calmly told her how she forgot to take her medicine last night to which she responded I know.  Can I take it now"?  I gave it to her and she took it in front of me... .

I'm just so tired of feeling that not only do I have to walk on eggshells with DD, but I feel like I do with DH too.  Like that he is watching everything.  I do not like how he is making me feel.  Now he will be passive aggressive for the next few days as that is now the pattern I am seeing after things like this.

I am having some difficulty coping with this.  My DH has changed a lot over the past couple of years.  I understand he is tense and anxious because of things that have happened in the past.  But how can I approach him about how he's making me feel and remind him that with DD, you have to approach things differently than with someone not disordered?  Why am I not allowed to ever be happy and not anxious 24/7?

I never like the cameras.  I feel very uneasy with them like I'm constantly being watched. Ugh.

[SoSoSoTired]

"It's the sense of him just always looking for anything negative and sometimes the belief of his hoping DD messes up so that I will ground her and not allow anyone over.  I could be very wrong. But I just have this feeling that that is the case."

Ask him if that is really what he's thinking.  Maybe it's not.  You can't know for certain until you ask.

[raytamtay3]

Have I told you all just how much I LOVE our new therapist?  Again, I feel so lucky to have this one in our lives! Not only is she going to help me with situations with DD, but also help my DH to learn how to form a meaningful relationship with my DD, AND, to help DH and I work together and be on the same page which will only better our relationship too.  

She is meeting with my DH and I next weekend alone when DD is at work for our two hour session in our home.  I am very blessed to have these services that my State and my county afford us, as I thought I would have a hard time considering we aren’t at as bad a financial incapacity as what I would imagine a lot of less fortunate people who may need such services might have.  

And our case manager found the PERFECT therapist for us!  

I will continue to make updates when things go well just as much as I will when things go bad.  But so far the pendulum is swinging towards good and has been for longer than it’s been for a while.  

We did have an incident last week while DD stayed out two hours past her curfew contending that she since she has to work on the weekends, she feels she should be able to stay out a little longer. Which doesn't fly and she had and is facing the consequences of that decision, as she chose to take a job where she has to work weekends.

Also one when I had to tell her I couldn’t drive her to work on Saturday due to have her brother’s basketball to attend.  She went into what I deem a mini-meltdown compared to the past and she refused to participate in our therapist session (that Saturday) as a result.  Because you know, she’s entitled to rides just like everything else.    But that was quite alright as it gave me the opportunity to talk with the therapist myself for the two hours to bring her up to speed on everything from my backing down from having DD got to transitional living as was agreed upon by me and DH,  as well as some other history so that she knows exactly what she is working with us.  And she is amazing. She told me how I need to step it up on my enforcement skills when it comes to rules and boundaries with DD, and how DH needs to show DD a softer side so that she can feel loved from everybody in the household; especially due to not having a positive male role model (dad) as well as in the critical stages of dating.  Basically for us to switch a little bit of our roles.  The therapist said you could cut the tension with a knife the first couple of times she came over between my DD and DH.

I truly believe not only has the lamictal helped my DD, but growing up and being more responsible has made our situation go from an everyday crises, to few and far between crises.  And for that, I am thankful and will continue to have hope that DD will be ok.  

[lbjnltx]

Great news ray!

Keep advocating for yourself and your family and stay positive.