Well that's that

[steve195915]

I have read all of your situation, Bob.  I suggest that you also do something completely out of your comfort zone.  Do not contact her for 60 days.  Do not respond to "bread crumbs" or even an attempt by her to arrange a meet up.  If she wants to see you, she knows exactly where you are.  Make her work for you. You are worth it.

Do not be "friends".  There is no such thing.  Maybe after a year or 2.  Maybe.  Not now, though.

I like that advice! There's just no way she's going to know about it if I do go out of my comfort zone. After Friday I'm definitely doing no contact for a while, and we'll see if she ever reaches out. She hasn't "worked for me" in a pretty long time. Maybe actually losing me will do the trick, but I doubt it.

Ok Bob, I'm interpreting your last sentence "Maybe actually losing me will do the trick... " as meaning you are going to go NC as a way to teach her a lesson and possibly get her back.  The reason you go NC is because you are done with the relationship and are ready to move on with other things in your life.  Also if you go NC, that means you block her phone number, emails, and FB and any other means of communication.  You will never know if she reaches out because she can't contact you easily.  If she sends you a letter in the mail, you through it in the garbage without reading it.  

Going NC for a while and waiting to see if she reaches out sounds very immature and manipulative.  If you haven't had enough yet and are not ready to end the relationship and go NC then don't.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[flourdust]

If you are willing to hang in there and get the occasional phone calls and texts, to not talk about or pressure her about relationship things, then tell her you care for her and you would like more but you are fine being friends, would like to stay in contact, and to be there when she needs someone to talk to.  Just ask her if she's ok with this scenario of you two staying as friends.  

I guess the question really is: how much bridge do I let her burn? What's my best bet for her getting back in touch after she's settled a bit and realized what she's done (which I think will eventually happen). How do you leave it open-ended, but not?

Your first message in this thread said that you realized it was over and were letting her go. Is this letting her go?

[MapleBob]

No contact works.  They don't forget about you if they loved you.  It makes them remember the good times and yearn for you.  She isn't yearning for you.  She is overwhelmed by you.  You must give her space if you want her back.  Tons and tons of space.  

She still says she loves me, so that's good at least. I'm just really sick to death of strategy and games and thinking that things are looking up only to have them sabotaged. That's pretty good reason for me to stay away until something changes on her end. And if it does, she'll get in touch, I'm sure.

It's just unusual and weird for me to leave a relationship alone, leastwise with such confusion and mixed signals. It both feels inevitable AND impossible that we'll ever speak again, which I think many of you can relate to.

[MapleBob]

I'm vacillating, guys! I felt clear about it until I didn't anymore.

[MapleBob]

SHE'S leaving, that much I know. It's best for me not to reach out to her after that, that much I know.

So it's not really NC then? I'd be psyched to hear from her again, so I don't have any particular need to build a palisade wall against her. I'm getting hurt not by her just being around, but by her inability to regulate when it comes to me.

[steve195915]

SHE'S leaving, that much I know. It's best for me not to reach out to her after that, that much I know.

So it's not really NC then? I'd be psyched to hear from her again, so I don't have any particular need to build a palisade wall against her. I'm getting hurt not by her just being around, but by her inability to regulate when it comes to me.

How about you accept things for how they are and stop with the strategy and games.  You clearly aren't prepared to let her go and move on with your life so forget talk about going NC. 

So yes it hurts when things don't go as you like but you have no choice than to accept things for how they are and make the best of it.  Accept whatever contact you have with her, and also don't be staring at the phone constantly, waiting for a phone call or text, do things for you in your life that you enjoy and that bring peace and happiness. Then if you do communicate with her you will have a lot more to talk about and be much more desirable to her and others as well.

[MapleBob]

That's my default plan, I guess.

And I haven't been waiting for calls/texts for some time now. She's all-but-gone, when two weeks ago she was all for being friends (or whatever our relationship actually is/was) and then turned on a dime when I did nothing even remotely provocative. I'm just confused and wondering if there's something I could do about that, because it's obviously pretty impulsive and kind of outrageous.

[1minuteatatime]

I completely disagree with anyone who says accept whatever emotional garbage(texts, calls, emails) she wants to push/pull with.  Love is not a game.  But that said.  It is a game when it comes to emotions.  It really is.  A game in your own head.  The quicker you realize that you must take control of your own emotions, the quicker you will start to heal. Contact of any kind is not healing.  You initiating is not healing.  It is not being in control.  You must take control of your emotions.  Especially now. For her.  But mostly.  

For you.  

[MapleBob]

I completely disagree with anyone who says accept whatever emotional garbage(texts, calls, emails) she wants to push/pull with.  Love is not a game.  But that said.  It is a game when it comes to emotions.  It really is.  A game in your own head.  The quicker you realize that you must take control of your own emotions, the quicker you will start to heal. Contact of any kind is not healing.  You initiating is not healing.  It is not being in control.  You must take control of your emotions.  Especially now. For her.  But mostly.  

For you.  

I'd say I spend more than half of the day enjoying myself and doing things that I like (er, well, or things that I need to do, not necessarily like). Then I remember that she's gone and that things are hard and then I get the clenching heart feeling. So yeah, I need to get a grip on that. It's funny to notice that when I *have* had contact with her, I immediately go right into my head, and she immediately goes right into her feelings. Roles.

Kind of just thinking out loud here. 

[steve195915]

I completely disagree with anyone who says accept whatever emotional garbage(texts, calls, emails) she wants to push/pull with.  Love is not a game.  But that said.  It is a game when it comes to emotions.  It really is.  A game in your own head.  The quicker you realize that you must take control of your own emotions, the quicker you will start to heal. Contact of any kind is not healing.  You initiating is not healing.  It is not being in control.  You must take control of your emotions.  Especially now. For her.  But mostly.  

For you.  

No one should accept emotional garbage but one should accept the reality of the situation, take control of their lives and deal with it appropriately.

[Skip]

How about you accept things for how they are and stop with the strategy and games.  You clearly aren't prepared to let her go and move on with your life so forget talk about going NC. 

So yes it hurts when things don't go as you like but you have no choice than to accept things for how they are and make the best of it.  Accept whatever contact you have with her, and also don't be staring at the phone constantly, waiting for a phone call or text, do things for you in your life that you enjoy and that bring peace and happiness. Then if you do communicate with her you will have a lot more to talk about and be much more desirable to her and others as well.

I think Steve makes sense here.

I saw a mention of abuse yesterday. We are now talking emotional garbage. Is this really the case?

[MapleBob]

How about you accept things for how they are and stop with the strategy and games.  You clearly aren't prepared to let her go and move on with your life so forget talk about going NC.  

So yes it hurts when things don't go as you like but you have no choice than to accept things for how they are and make the best of it.  Accept whatever contact you have with her, and also don't be staring at the phone constantly, waiting for a phone call or text, do things for you in your life that you enjoy and that bring peace and happiness. Then if you do communicate with her you will have a lot more to talk about and be much more desirable to her and others as well.

I think Steve makes sense here.

I saw a mention of abuse yesterday. We are now talking emotional garbage. Is this really the case?

Thanks Skip, your opinion means the WORLD to me on this.

I may have spoken strongly, but I think that her push/pull with me is starting to border on emotionally abusive. It has veered into that before, but rarely to this degree, and certainly not with so little provocation. Continually sabotaging positive relationship progress is arguably abusive, I'd think, especially combined with misplaced blame/projection/splitting.