BPD Ex. and Recent girl with problems.

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--This is a little bit long, and involved a BPD ex, and a recent ex who has some sort of mental blocking or disorder that I do not understand fully and require some extra opinions, assistance or any comments will help. I'm sorry for typing so much. But I've learned that it's a form of venting and good way to help with my anxiety attacks.--

I posted here a lot a couple years ago about my BPD ex, because it was a very rough time, lot's of emotions and panic attacks. Well, it's been 2 years since my BPD ex, who I was engaged and living with. She scared me to complete death. The thought of someone capable of doing so much harm as she did was beyond frightening. It made me stay single for 2 years to avoid anything like that again. I'm an attractive man, I went through a lot of women, but never once strayed to giving attachment(I don't lead people on, I let them know before hand what I'm doing) Enough about that. I'm pretty sure I'm over it to an extent. It's more-so I think, PTSD or something. I can't say it for sure, because I'm self-analyzing it(I'm seeing a P or T soon) But after all of that, you could imagine the wall that I built; abnormally huge wall. The very TINIEST red flag would make me drop someone. If I suspected them to have BPD I'd drop them, no matter what, which did happen at one point. I actually asked a girl if she had it because of her symptoms and she admitted that yes she did, and NC right there, took a day of talking. Onto the subject at hand. 6 months ago, I found a 19 year old girl, virgin, kissed 2 guys in her life, most innocent girl I've ever seen. Her personality and everything was perfect, she seemed to have no disorders, she seemed to be very very down to earth, capable of self realization and understanding of things. I told her before-hand, that I had problems with trust, avoidant personality disorder, emotional problems, severe depression (all from personal dilemmas that I'm seeing a P or T about soon, big step for me) She said it didn't matter and that she really wanted to be with me. So we gave it a shot. It was really great. Amazing relationship. No problems from her at all. I had my times where I'd get angry and take it out on her, unintentionally(no abuse, I'm not like that) She would say it's okay, she knew what she was getting into and wanted to help me get better.

The bad part comes here. I logged on her skype and kik 5 days ago, found that she created a dating app, and talked to a couple guys, and mainly one guy she matched with she added to skype and talked to him very regularly. She called him every night for about 1-2 months, talked for a couple hours, even losing sleep before work. The messages were not dirty or bad(except that she called him "babe" "Baby" and sent kissing emojis). But she would tell me she was sleeping but instead call him. <- all of this was the physical evidence.

Now, I confronted her when i found it. I was a wreck. At first, she lied her *** off. Made up an extremely detailed story. Stuck with it for 30 minutes. (My anxiety kicked in so badly, and all I could see was my ex) But she finally gave in and told the partial truth. I asked her in all seriousness if she may be a pathological liar perhaps. She had like some self revelations right there, and said she didn't even know, as if sometimes she doesn't know she's lying. She saw a Dr that day, and has seen one everyday since, to see what's wrong with her. The Dr said something about it being like, repressed memory syndrome, that she's extremely afraid to tell the truth sometimes and her brain blocks it. I looked it up and couldn't find much about it. She's trying very hard to fix this between us, and trying hard to fix herself. We've called and talked every night, and have worked on the issue she has. She still lies, but is beginning to tell more truth. (Her reasoning behind dating site and skype calls was that she was scared to vent and talk to me which, yes, somewhat reasonable because of my issues. At first her reasoning was that she wanted to feel wanted, which I didn't understand because I treated her like a princess)

I am pretty smart, and learned much about psychology from my ex. So when I say that I look at her, or talk to her, I know I feel as if, deep down inside her, there's someone trying really hard to be normal. Today I took a leap. I needed to gather more information. So I made a "fake" kik, put a typical shirtless hot dude as the picture. And I messaged her. I straight hit on her like A game material. Not too fast and not too slow. She did not at all, hit on me back. The whole time my fake profile and her were talking, she'd talk about the "real" me, and how she only wanted to be with the "real" me. Like she went straight vent mode, and didn't give a crap about my advances(she made up stories to the "fake" profile too, that I knew wasn't true). Although, when I asked "Well you can talk dirty to me" she said "I don't wanna" I replied "maybe later?" and she replied "If I lose him" "If I knew he didn't love me it would take time for me to heal but eventually maybe I'd be able to move on" <- this kind of bothered me a little bit.

But onto why I've included these details. After talking as "fake me" I called her and we talked for a couple minutes. And I was like, "Let's work on some more things to help you get better, I'll ask you a couple more questions. Is there anything you need to tell me?" She replied with no. "Are you sure? Have you talked to any guys recently?" her reply was no. "Trust me, I'm only here to get you better. I will not get mad." Her reply was yes and she made a little story up about the "fake" profile. To which I replied, that she didn't need to lie, and that I'm here, and will not get angry. She then told the truth. This went on for a little bit. I'd ask about the "fake" profile, and she'd make something up, and I'd calm her and get the truth.(I felt this was a good idea, as shady as it may be, but knowing the actual truth helped a lot in gathering information) She would even tell me very irrelevant lies, like ones that do not benefit her or anyone and were just silly. And I'd calm her and say don't be scared, you can go back on a lie, I won't get mad. And she'd say she was sorry and that she's trying really hard not to block things. Eventually she told most of the truth about the conversation. I still have to talk to her more when I can, because some thing's still weren't covered. Things like, her telling me that she got scared of the "fake" profile and blocked it. Yet I was still messaging her from it and she was messaging back(very short although, and did ignore me for a moment and told the "fake" profile she felt like a bad person for talking to me/it but kept talking)

Thank you for reading this far. I will reply and give any details needed. I do indeed love this girl. I wouldn't put this much effort if I didn't. But I am aware of mental problems, and sometimes they can't be fixed. Her Dr. told her that she can fix it, and hers isn't as bad as others, that we can have a healthy relationship. But I cannot fully trust the Dr's words when I don't hear them myself or what exactly she talked to her about(even though she claimed to tell her the full actual truth) but you can never know. So what I'm asking is if anyone here could help me understand if this is worth it or not. I do not want to THINK that things are fine again. And live a lie, while she's compulsively lying. So even if it's harsh, I want truthful opinions.

[eagle755]

--This is a little bit long, and involved a BPD ex, and a recent ex who has some sort of mental blocking or disorder that I do not understand fully and require some extra opinions, assistance or any comments will help. I'm sorry for typing so much. But I've learned that it's a form of venting and good way to help with my anxiety attacks.--

I posted here a lot a couple years ago about my BPD ex, because it was a very rough time, lot's of emotions and panic attacks. Well, it's been 2 years since my BPD ex, who I was engaged and living with. She scared me to complete death. The thought of someone capable of doing so much harm as she did was beyond frightening. It made me stay single for 2 years to avoid anything like that again. I'm an attractive man, I went through a lot of women, but never once strayed to giving attachment(I don't lead people on, I let them know before hand what I'm doing) Enough about that. I'm pretty sure I'm over it to an extent. It's more-so I think, PTSD or something. I can't say it for sure, because I'm self-analyzing it(I'm seeing a P or T soon) But after all of that, you could imagine the wall that I built; abnormally huge wall. The very TINIEST red flag would make me drop someone. If I suspected them to have BPD I'd drop them, no matter what, which did happen at one point. I actually asked a girl if she had it because of her symptoms and she admitted that yes she did, and NC right there, took a day of talking. Onto the subject at hand. 6 months ago, I found a 19 year old girl, virgin, kissed 2 guys in her life, most innocent girl I've ever seen. Her personality and everything was perfect, she seemed to have no disorders, she seemed to be very very down to earth, capable of self realization and understanding of things. I told her before-hand, that I had problems with trust, avoidant personality disorder, emotional problems, severe depression (all from personal dilemmas that I'm seeing a P or T about soon, big step for me) She said it didn't matter and that she really wanted to be with me. So we gave it a shot. It was really great. Amazing relationship. No problems from her at all. I had my times where I'd get angry and take it out on her, unintentionally(no abuse, I'm not like that) She would say it's okay, she knew what she was getting into and wanted to help me get better.

The bad part comes here. I logged on her skype and kik 5 days ago, found that she created a dating app, and talked to a couple guys, and mainly one guy she matched with she added to skype and talked to him very regularly. She called him every night for about 1-2 months, talked for a couple hours, even losing sleep before work. The messages were not dirty or bad(except that she called him "babe" "Baby" and sent kissing emojis). But she would tell me she was sleeping but instead call him. <- all of this was the physical evidence.

Now, I confronted her when i found it. I was a wreck. At first, she lied her *** off. Made up an extremely detailed story. Stuck with it for 30 minutes. (My anxiety kicked in so badly, and all I could see was my ex) But she finally gave in and told the partial truth. I asked her in all seriousness if she may be a pathological liar perhaps. She had like some self revelations right there, and said she didn't even know, as if sometimes she doesn't know she's lying. She saw a Dr that day, and has seen one everyday since, to see what's wrong with her. The Dr said something about it being like, repressed memory syndrome, that she's extremely afraid to tell the truth sometimes and her brain blocks it. I looked it up and couldn't find much about it. She's trying very hard to fix this between us, and trying hard to fix herself. We've called and talked every night, and have worked on the issue she has. She still lies, but is beginning to tell more truth. (Her reasoning behind dating site and skype calls was that she was scared to vent and talk to me which, yes, somewhat reasonable because of my issues. At first her reasoning was that she wanted to feel wanted, which I didn't understand because I treated her like a princess)

I am pretty smart, and learned much about psychology from my ex. So when I say that I look at her, or talk to her, I know I feel as if, deep down inside her, there's someone trying really hard to be normal. Today I took a leap. I needed to gather more information. So I made a "fake" kik, put a typical shirtless hot dude as the picture. And I messaged her. I straight hit on her like A game material. Not too fast and not too slow. She did not at all, hit on me back. The whole time my fake profile and her were talking, she'd talk about the "real" me, and how she only wanted to be with the "real" me. Like she went straight vent mode, and didn't give a crap about my advances(she made up stories to the "fake" profile too, that I knew wasn't true). Although, when I asked "Well you can talk dirty to me" she said "I don't wanna" I replied "maybe later?" and she replied "If I lose him" "If I knew he didn't love me it would take time for me to heal but eventually maybe I'd be able to move on" <- this kind of bothered me a little bit.

But onto why I've included these details. After talking as "fake me" I called her and we talked for a couple minutes. And I was like, "Let's work on some more things to help you get better, I'll ask you a couple more questions. Is there anything you need to tell me?" She replied with no. "Are you sure? Have you talked to any guys recently?" her reply was no. "Trust me, I'm only here to get you better. I will not get mad." Her reply was yes and she made a little story up about the "fake" profile. To which I replied, that she didn't need to lie, and that I'm here, and will not get angry. She then told the truth. This went on for a little bit. I'd ask about the "fake" profile, and she'd make something up, and I'd calm her and get the truth.(I felt this was a good idea, as shady as it may be, but knowing the actual truth helped a lot in gathering information) She would even tell me very irrelevant lies, like ones that do not benefit her or anyone and were just silly. And I'd calm her and say don't be scared, you can go back on a lie, I won't get mad. And she'd say she was sorry and that she's trying really hard not to block things. Eventually she told most of the truth about the conversation. I still have to talk to her more when I can, because some thing's still weren't covered. Things like, her telling me that she got scared of the "fake" profile and blocked it. Yet I was still messaging her from it and she was messaging back(very short although, and did ignore me for a moment and told the "fake" profile she felt like a bad person for talking to me/it but kept talking)

Thank you for reading this far. I will reply and give any details needed. I do indeed love this girl. I wouldn't put this much effort if I didn't. But I am aware of mental problems, and sometimes they can't be fixed. Her Dr. told her that she can fix it, and hers isn't as bad as others, that we can have a healthy relationship. But I cannot fully trust the Dr's words when I don't hear them myself or what exactly she talked to her about(even though she claimed to tell her the full actual truth) but you can never know. So what I'm asking is if anyone here could help me understand if this is worth it or not. I do not want to THINK that things are fine again. And live a lie, while she's compulsively lying. So even if it's harsh, I want truthful opinions.

[Turkish]

eagle755,

It's great that you are finally reaching out for professional help, as you're describing unresolved trauma from your past r/s. 

I'm not going to excuse her behavior, but she is 19, no? Not knowing your age, I'm assuming you are a bit older, and it could be that you are dealing with emotional immaturity, additionally complicated by her r/s inexperience.

For a pwBPD, many of the manipulative behaviors seem to be calculating, even though they are driven by often uncontrollable emotions and an unstable sense of self; that is to say, driven by impulsivity.

If I knew nothing else, the story about the fake profile sounds suspiciously to me like you gaslighting her in that it was deliberate and calculating. What do you think?

[eagle755]

Thank you for replying, it's very much appreciated. (yes, I'm 24) You make very good points. Last night, we talked for several hours, and tried hard to figure out what to do. Finally I told her, hey, let's be just friends, fix our problems, then try again fresh. She was totally okay with. At the very same time though, as we were on the phone, she was messaging the guy that caused all of this. The guy she said she'd never talk to again, etc. And she hid the fact that she never even stopped talking to him. At this point, her lies are beyond endless, the list does not end. After that, I had a severe panic attack. I was breathing extremely rapidly and almost passed out. I was on the phone with her too, balling my eyes out because of the things I kept finding out, and things she kept lying about. That was the point that I told her that I was done. That I couldn't handle it anymore, and couldn't be with her again. At that point, she seemed so much like my BPD ex. I don't think she has BPD, but the compulsive lying is definitely there. She made comments on the phone before we went NC. Literally exactly what you said, “maybe I'm too young for you, and too inexperienced” She also couldn't figure out if she loved the guy she can't stop talking to or not, she said she just likes venting and talking to him. She said she doesn't know if she moved on to him while we were dating or not, she was too inexperienced to tell, and also said that if they started dating then that was just what was meant to be. (this guy lives in UK, we live in Florida, and she said he had a bf but at this point, the lies are relentless so idk. The uk part I believe, so dating isn't even possible) It hurts really really bad. To think that my issues may have pushed her away, to maybe love someone else, because I would get angry sometimes and I stopped calling her a lot because I didn't want her to bare anymore of my depression. I don't know if my feelings for her are so strong so I'm just trying not to believe the hard facts, or what.

[Turkish]

I was 36 when I met my 25 yo Ex. The age spreads in both of our relationships feel similar to me. There are a lot more significant changes and differences when people are younger, which lessen as people establish themsleves as adults,.and age differences don't necessarily become as significant up to a point.

On the outside, it wasn't so evident. Once in the r/s, the emotional immaturity became more pronounced. She was trying to fit me into the mold of a previous bf, the ages almost identical to  yours and your gf, and I was exoecting her to be how she said she was and how she wanted. At 31, she left me for a 23 yo guy who was far less mature than I was at the same age. But that's another story... .

Maybe your gf will grow out of it, though hard to say with the lying. That may remain.

What remains with you? It sounds like unresolved trauma from the previous r/s. Whatever contact or r/s you decide to keep with her is up to you, but it sounds like what a member here once colorfully put, a possible "triggerfest."

Working on yourself apart from her is the right thing to do. You likely experienced a lot of projection in your previous r/s, and it's good to have professionals help us work through what we own and what we don't.

[eagle755]

Thanks again for replying. Yeah, I mean, I knew from the start this had a chance of happening. It's just... I'm pretty sure after I've been with 15 women, that this one was the one. I have never loved like this. I've gone the entire day now with no contact, because it would be a triggerfest. That's why friends didn't work out. I'm emotionally much more prepared for this after my BPD ex, and I'm still hurting. I honestly didn't know I could hurt like this anymore. I guess it's good to feel alive. It's just, like, she agreed to be my rock, to hold me up  and help me through my darkest hour, even when I told her I was no good for dating before we dated. And now she's taken the rock from under me in a flash. It's possible for her to grow up and look back like, wow he's the one that got away. But I don't want that. Honestly I can't handle the thought of her being with someone else. I can't handle it. I want her to be mine and everything be okay. Girls are all over me already and I only want this girl who hurt me. I don't know if she'll ever stop lying either. That's the only issue that I have. Because she's shown similar BPD traits but I know it's not that, it's more impulsive lying, maybe due to extremely strict parents that only let her out to see me twice a month, and abusive exes who've tried raping her. Idk, I legitimately want her in my life, all of her aspects are perfect to me. I'm just so scared

[eagle755]

Even today my urge to text her was intense. There will be times where I'll think all of this is my fault and I need to talk to her so that I can fix things. But I know that's not how this will work. I tried that yesterday. All it got me was more lies and just... a very bad time. My mind won't stop going back and fourth.

[eagle755]

I also want to add, that this girl did support and stand by me. She paid for my food for a couple months while I haven't been able to work because I'll have an attack so I've been searching for something low stress. I'd get interviews and I'd look forever and never get anything. But she stayed and helped. She did a whole lot for me. And maybe I did push her away. But she should of told me, insyead of acting like everything was okay even when I would specifically ask if my problems were hurting her. Instead of going elsewhere to talk to guys.

[eagle755]

Since my last reply. I opened my Web browser and saw that my Facebook was still logged into her account. And it revealed that, she indeed has fallen for this guy. It's no doubt about it now. If this was the case. I don't know why she tried so hard to keep me. Maybe she wanted the best of both worlds. Who knows. Since the guy does live in a different country. All I know is. The pain is tearing me apart. I've resisted texting her still, I wanted to, to confront her about all of the broken promises and lies, and everything else. But it's not gonna do anything. .