Need some validation help this morning...also "policy" question for me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, I asked my wife to help set up a school bus tracking app on my phone.  She got it all figured out yesterday on hers, so, I figured why not.  (I can hear the groans from the crowd already, remember the scene in Austin Powers when it took forever for the steam roller to squish the guy, NOO)  Especially Grey Kitty, he is shaking his head going, "Man, that guy is never gonna learn, "  So, there is a wrong number text on my phone.  I rarely use my phone texting.  I use google voice.  Obviously at some point my wife checked it (messaging part of phone) and it says  "Brooke this is Dawn Cheryl just called an off work for awhile are you able to work 6-230 H3 tomorrow?"   Text is from a city where we live two moves ago.  She asked me about it during breakfast, after kids had gotten on bus.  I said I had no idea and didn't add anything to the conversation.  My "policy" in the past is that if my wife wants to investigate this stuff, she is more than free to call text do whatever.  But I don't assist her in tracking down who and what this is about.  I used to try to "prove" my innocence.  Note:  Something like this hasn't come up in probably 6 months or so.  If I hadn't been a moron, could have gone a few more months.  I keep my phone locked but don't police it (clean up my phone for "presentation".  I remember the wrong number text and just ignored it.  I clean out that text log about once a month, since I don't use it much.  Rare anything "real" shows up in there.  This number was not in my google contacts.  For reference:  I have 4957 contact entries in my google.  I would have guessed I had between 3 and 4k.  It's been a while since I've paid attention to that.  So, in addition to the snooping aspect of "who is this", even if it had been in my google contacts, it could have taken a bit for me to figure out the history and who it was.  

FF wife:  The number that the message from ':)awn Cheryl' came in on is a non working number so that means whoever sent it set it up to look like it was coming from that number so that their actual number would not be seen 7:55 AM  

FF wife: So anyway whoever it is we now know that got a day off 7:55 AM  

FF wife: It would be courteous of you to text back and let them know that you are not the person they were looking for so they can get it to the right person 7:57 AM  

FF wife: Hopefully you can get most of the garage shelving up today, Hope u have a good day!

[formflier]

So, I asked my wife to help set up a school bus tracking app on my phone.  She got it all figured out yesterday on hers, so, I figured why not.  (I can hear the groans from the crowd already, remember the scene in Austin Powers when it took forever for the steam roller to squish the guy, NOO)  Especially Grey Kitty, he is shaking his head going, "Man, that guy is never gonna learn, "  So, there is a wrong number text on my phone.  I rarely use my phone texting.  I use google voice.  Obviously at some point my wife checked it (messaging part of phone) and it says  "Brooke this is Dawn Cheryl just called an off work for awhile are you able to work 6-230 H3 tomorrow?"   Text is from a city where we live two moves ago.  She asked me about it during breakfast, after kids had gotten on bus.  I said I had no idea and didn't add anything to the conversation.  My "policy" in the past is that if my wife wants to investigate this stuff, she is more than free to call text do whatever.  But I don't assist her in tracking down who and what this is about.  I used to try to "prove" my innocence.  Note:  Something like this hasn't come up in probably 6 months or so.  If I hadn't been a moron, could have gone a few more months.  I keep my phone locked but don't police it (clean up my phone for "presentation".  I remember the wrong number text and just ignored it.  I clean out that text log about once a month, since I don't use it much.  Rare anything "real" shows up in there.  This number was not in my google contacts.  For reference:  I have 4957 contact entries in my google.  I would have guessed I had between 3 and 4k.  It's been a while since I've paid attention to that.  So, in addition to the snooping aspect of "who is this", even if it had been in my google contacts, it could have taken a bit for me to figure out the history and who it was.  

FF wife:  The number that the message from ':)awn Cheryl' came in on is a non working number so that means whoever sent it set it up to look like it was coming from that number so that their actual number would not be seen 7:55 AM  

FF wife: So anyway whoever it is we now know that got a day off 7:55 AM  

FF wife: It would be courteous of you to text back and let them know that you are not the person they were looking for so they can get it to the right person 7:57 AM  

FF wife: Hopefully you can get most of the garage shelving up today, Hope u have a good day!

[Ceruleanblue]

I guess I'm missing the part where your wife said or did anything that is an issue? It sounds like you don't super mind her snooping, so what part of her exchange bothered you? Maybe she really did just want you to be courteous? I know I often give BPDh gentle reminders to do things as far as manners goes. He wasn't raised with a lot of manners, or social graces, and he's never gotten mad when I do this.

Is there more I'm not picking up on?

[formflier]

 Oh yeah, quick history.  I keep my phone locked so she can't snoop.  History is that pretty much any woman that texts or emails wants a piece of my action.  I'm thinking I ignore it and don't mention it again, and just avoid giving her phone in future.  Or do I try to validate concern (which I think might be invalid) and then keep phone locked and away from her.  

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Is she actually worried this woman was sexting you or something, or is she just wanting you to be courteous now that she discovered the text? I mean, she likely was snooping to find something "bad/flirty", but maybe she doesn't view this as that at all?

Personally, I wouldn't hide my phone from my partner, as I have nothing to hide. Plus, I think it would make it appear as if I did. I've told BPDh if he wants to look at my phone, emails, anything, go ahead.

If I were you, I'd let her snoop as much as she feels the need, and if she has concerns she can ask you, and you'll know they are just HER insecurity. I view it as being reassuring has to be a better option than withholding the phone, and making yourself potentially look guilty. I know it's a hassle, but I'm sure you do things that drive her nuts too. It is HER insecurity, but she is your wife, thereby making it your issue to deal with too.

I always find a simple explanation works best. I had a guy I'd dated when BPDh were separated(he walked out, not me), text me not long ago. I told BPDh because I thought it was the right thing to do. He was initially angry, but now is glad I didn't hide it. I'd rather face dysregulation than damaged trust.

I've always gone by the motto "people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing". That's just me though.

[EaglesJuju]

I really did not see anything that showed that she was upset FF.  I think she was suggesting to be courteous and let the sender of the text know it was a wrong number.  

I agree that the best thing is to ignore it. If she brings it up, you can validate her suggestion.  

Do you feel like you are hyper-vigilant with her when it comes to anything related to other women, because of her past reactions?

[Sunfl0wer]

My gut:

She had her typical anxiety of doubts of FF cheating/aka FF wife felt insecure.

She found a way to point out to you that 'she noticed' the txt, 'just in case' her doubts are founded... .to both: 1. see if you confirm in some way her fear  2. Wants you to know she noticed.

However, what is different... .

She communicated to you in a respectful, 'helpful' way vs blaming!

Maybe a tiny acknowledgement of validation for this effort such as... .

FF: "Good idea dear. ".

At least that shows you heard and acknowledge her without committing yourself to any actions.

If she does follow up and ask if you txted.  You have an option to simply reply that you did not because too much time had passed for the txt to be relevant.

(Or you can take her advice... as it IS polite... and also validating in your actions)

However, probably best to remain keeping your phone to yourself.

[formflier]

   Do you feel like you are hyper-vigilant with her when it comes to anything related to other women, because of her past reactions?

 Yes, She somehow called or check and figured out that this was  a "non working" number.  My wife's core issue is paranoia.  She thinks that someone is texting me but is hiding the number that they are actually texting from.    Check the first line of her text.    Yeah, there is history here.  Now that I don't engage these things burn out quick, but is there anything to validate.  Note:  If I answer the phone and its a wrong number I will let them know, maybe chat a bit.   If a text is obviously not for me, I will ignore it.  If it gets repetitive, I may let them know, but usually it stops after a couple, and I don't get many wrong number texts.  Couple a year.  

FF

[EaglesJuju]

Do you feel like you are hyper-vigilant with her when it comes to anything related to other women, because of her past reactions?

Yes... .

I would wager you would considering her reactions in the past. As much as being hyper vigilant can be helpful, it can also be harmful in a way. You are almost expecting the worst at times and probably feeling on edge. PwBPD are very sensitive to emotions and many times can misinterpret or misread their partner's emotions/feelings. Many times this can exacerbate things.

My wife's core issue is paranoia.  She thinks that someone is texting me but is hiding the number that they are actually texting from.  

I would add insecurity too. This is a real soft spot for her.  I do see what you are saying about her feeling paranoid by her comment. Although, her tone and body language can help you "read minds." You can figure out what is really going on with her by her tone, body language, and facial expressions. Honing this skill, leads to effective validation.   

What was her body language, tone, and facial expressions like when she was discussing this?

[formflier]

  What was her body language, tone, and facial expressions like when she was discussing this?  

 She was turning into the "investigator".  There is a tone and way of going about things that she gets when she thinks "she has got me".  It wasn't full on there, but "WonderWoman" the investigator was spinning around waiting to turn into the cheating husband catching superhero that she is, In the past I would have stayed engaged, she would have finished the transformation and put the golden lasso on me for, "a talk".  So, I do think that if there was something effective and helpful I could say, validating.  That I could have stopped the spin, or slowed it.  Really, I left it at "I don't know".  And didn't speak of it further.  Perhaps, "I don't know, it's confusing how the randomness of life shows up on my phone"  That's really more truth telling, on my part, now that I read it again.  If I say something about "concern" or "troubled" then she will expect me to take action, which would then lead me to say, "I'm not that troubled" (which is invalidating)  I think it's all invalid stuff to validate.  But, full disclosure, .accusations and insinuations was a very hurtful thing that went on for a long time.  In other words, I'm not objective.  So, hopefully you guys can point me in the right direction.  Honestly, this kinda worked this morning.  There is part of me that hopes I can find a better way.  

FF

[EaglesJuju]

You know your wife better than anyone and get a "read" from her. In each situation, you have an idea what has worked for you in the past.

Having an understanding of what drives her behavior in certain situations helps you know how to respond to her. I think when you did not react to her,  it prevented the situation from getting worse.  In my opinion, I would have only validated her suggestion of being considerate and texting the person back letting them know it was the wrong number. 

FF, I suggest looking at her behavior from a big picture perspective. She has a lot of insecurities and fear, which is evident by her behavior. It will be easier to navigate or handle "micro" situations, if you have a really good understanding of why she behaves the way she does. Do you tend to look at situations from a "micro" perspective or a

"macro" one?

[formflier]

 I tend to be a bit procedural.  She does this, I do that.  Must be the pilot part of me.  On "relaxed" issues I can be easy, funny, and have a meandering conversation.  When she gets into known "bad" areas I want to flip out

FF emergency procedures pocket handbook  EP for wife has discovered a potential ho, 1.  Remain calm, don't look alarmed. 2.  Think of something to say. 3.  Breathe and prepare to say something evenly 4.  Open mouth and say it. 5.  Pull ejection handle, go do something else.  Now, in times like this (when you and I and everyone else) are sitting her discussing this, I can easily look at Macro level stuff.  Then I design the procedure to support the goals on our Macro decisions.  Hope this helps you follow my thinking, and my reasons for posting stuff like this.  I think I can determine a better procedure.  Not saying my current one is bad, but in the good, better, best way of looking at things, I'm no where close to best.  At least I don't think so.  Likely I'm not close to best because it is still a hurtful thing to me when she does things like this, so that needs to be taken into account when designing my procedure.  Anyone ever heard of NATOPS?     Naval Air Training and Operating Procedures Standardization (NATOPS) .  bpdfamily is sort of my NATOPS.  

FF

[Jessica84]

1.  Remain calm... .don't look alarmed.

2.  Think of something to say.

3.  Breathe and prepare to say something evenly

4.  Open mouth and say it.

5.  Pull ejection handle... .go do something else.

I see how your brain works now... .

Suggestion: Between steps 1 and 3 - look for feelings to validate. Try to find the emotions behind her words. Step 4: Validate. If that doesn't work, proceed to step 5. 

[EaglesJuju]

I understand how tough it is when you are in the moment and trying to assess your situation and how to react. I completely agree that the behavior can be really hurtful.

As you mentioned you fare well with procedures and problem solving. I wager you have quite a few scenarios in your emergency playbook.

I think maybe before you even get to emergency mode, it would be good to explore how do get from point A to point B. Does the "relaxed" version of problem solving work?  What drives/makes you go into emergency procedure mode, is it triggering, instinctual? Exploring this may give you other options in your arsenal.   

[formflier]

 Does the "relaxed" version of problem solving work?  What drives/makes you go into emergency procedure mode, is it triggering, instinctual? Exploring this may give you other options in your arsenal.   

 Relaxed works for new issues.  For known bad stuff, I have defenses ready.  I have a hard time of thinking about being asked about a woman and it came out good for me.  Today I think it was neutral.  Just sort of ended.  Right now I take that as a win.  I hope to figure out a way to move my new response, if I get one, to a better win or better thing.  Maybe a better analogy is if I know I am in a minefield or not.  Being asked about a woman is way worse than being asked why I didn't mop or otherwise follow her direction.  If you are new here, I don't follow her directions.  

FF

[Grey Kitty]

I'm actually NOT ready to knock you about the head on this one--you did something that was nominally reasonable (asked her for tech assistance on your phone with a task she understood).

You didn't try to do something you really ought to know doesn't work (like making a "deal" with her over something... .)

You did put yourself at a bit of risk (opportunity for her to snoop in your phone).

Still I think you handled it pretty well. Probably safer to eject than validate when she's obviously getting spooled up. Save the energy from that avoided validation to validate something random and not so confrontational.

BTW did you get the app set up on your phone or not?

[formflier]

   BTW did you get the app set up on your phone or not?

 yes, although only 1 of the three buses showed up correctly on the app this morning.  The one that did show up was spot on, no delay at all.  Pretty cool.  My wife called and reported that the other two were incorrect, and supposedly it should be fixed and updated overnight.  Pretty slick app since buses tend to run a bit late.  

FF