pregnancy and coparenting with UexBPDgf

[blackstar]

Hi all and thanks for this board.

I would like to hear any accounts of similar experience and advice from people who can relate to my situation.

Three months back I broke up with my uBPDgf in the 3rd month of her pregnancy. She became increasingly violent and destructive towards me. I was almost considering calling the local 911, when a mutual friend with psychology background directed me towards the BPD. I started reading articles and books available and at last understood what I had been experiencing for the past two years (the signs of BPD, even some violence, were there already before the pregnancy, which then escalated things to a point where I had to act to protect everybody). I saw how I was unable to maintain healthy boundaries and unrealistically hoped for things to somewhat get better. Thanks to the literature I have at least some idea of coping with the situation without making things worse, but there is still a great void of uncertainity ahead of me. I am to become a dad for the first time.

I broke up with her and set some necessary boundaries, eg walking out of conflict, not trying to get back together etc. She is undiagnosed and though at times admitting some of her actions might have been "a tad" extreme, mostly she blames me for not trying to fix things and "running away" and making the relationship unbearable for her(thus blaming me for her violent actions). On the other hand, we both want to cooperate and give the child what he needs and be there for him as mother and father, somehow. She is in therapy (two attempts in couple therapy failed - cancelled by her after 1st meeting), we are looking for a place where she can stay with the baby, I pay her a monthly sum we agreed upon, let her use my car etc. I am starting therapy myself, to seek professional advice on coping with a supposedly BPD expecting mother and also to help sort out my own mental and emotial state.

Thing is, though at times things seem as they might work out, I am getting signals of future conflict and the pressure of knowing that the effects on the child's development might be very bad is hard to bear... .She is ready to use the baby to manipulate me already - Eg in a conflict situation she would threaten to deny my fatherhood (hope I am using the right term). Or in a nonconflict situation she would start talking about the complications with registration after the birth, and when I remind her we agreed that I would arrange these things, she replies she is not sure if she can trust me enough, fearing I might register the child with a different name that we agreed upon! Although I dont take such absurd accusations (I have never threatened her or did anything similar, that could make her feel I would be capable of this) personally, I see how complicated the collaboration might turn out to be, especially when the child is born. I can see how different views on things would spark conflicts, or make me have to back off to a "safe" position, where I let her do things her way to avoid conflict, though I might have a different opinion on an issue that might be important...

Guess you can see the confusion on my part, which is stronger due to the fact I have never raised a child, yet I am to raise or co-parent one in an extremely difficult and unusual situation... .

Thanks for any reply and good luck and strength to all!

[Turkish]

Hi blackstar,

Good for you that you've taken the initiative to learn about BPD and are attempting to make things better.

About never having raised a child... .every one is us here was a first time parent at one point. Some things you can only know once you get there 

While its great that you did what you had to do to be safe, you now know what she's capable of.  Doing what you can to set up being involved in your child's life is also good. I'm not sure what her concern is about (other than her fears). Paternity is determined at birth by paperwork both parents fill out in the first day, typically. That's the first step.

Though you seem to be doing what you can to reduce conflict now by doing a lot for her, this could backfire on you, especially without a custody order in place. That comes later, but its something to plan for, and we can help you. The lessons to the right of the Co-Parenting board can help you once you officially become a parent. When is your baby due?

T

[bravhart1]

Does your ex gf have other children or is this her first as well?

Please don't default to the I've never done this before. No new parent has, but I believe that stepping back from that scary first step with the newborn is exactly why most moms get the upper hand. If you launch into full time dad mode right away, and stay very much involved and invested (not financially but emotionally and with hands on experience) I believe you will give yourself a major boost when it comes to court later, and trust us it will.

Some things to consider: take as many parenting classes, new born care classes as you can get in before baby is born and document that you've done this.

Earn and save as much money as possible before the baby is born. And be looking for a good lawyer to help you draw up a custody plan, and arrangement as soon as possible after the baby is born.

DO NOT share with your ex that you are doing this under any circumstances. For warned is for armed.

Not trying to scare you, just know what my now DH would have liked to have done years ago if  he could get a do over.

Best of luck to you!

[ForeverDad]

Some things to consider: take as many parenting classes, new born care classes as you can get in before baby is born and document that you've done this.

Earn and save as much money as possible before the baby is born. And be looking for a good lawyer to help you draw up a custody plan, and arrangement as soon as possible after the baby is born.

DO NOT share with your ex that you are doing this under any circumstances.  Forewarned is forearmed.

Not trying to scare you, just know what my now DH would have liked to have done years ago if  he could get a do over.

Agreed, beware of sharing information, it is likely to be twisted and used against you.  So sad, if it were a healthy and functional relationship, the advice would be very different.  But you have already realized that your good behavior won't be reciprocated.  Learn that lesson well.  Yes, she may sometimes flip back to wanting you back, just be aware that's part of the push-pull pattern.  As one book put it, "I Hate You! Don't Leave Me!"

Be aware that she will Blame and Blame-Shift onto you as much as she can.  In her perspective, she is Everything and you are Nothing, parenting-wise.  Don't fall for it.  That is one aspect of her All Or Nothing outlook, all for her or nothing for you.  Be aware, beware.