Custody issues and divorce law within 6 months of moving to new state

[formflier]

 This thread it to help prepare me for what may be coming or what I may need to do.  We have lived in new state for a matter of weeks.  Wife has gone of deep end.  Lots o  All the internet searches show that I have to be here 6 months.  We are 8 hours away from state we lived in for years.  Not my intention to file for anything at the moment, but I'm also taking a stand on some things.  It will resolve one way or another.  Wish I weren't over here, but appreciate you guys on legal.  Some threads on staying board show details if anyone is curious.  

FF

[livednlearned]

Do you want to divorce her?

[formflier]

Do you want to divorce her?

No but I have a very short timeline to solve a sleep deprivation issue (her new tactic) that has recently come up.

Some of the solutions or the solution may be divorce or separate with custody arrangement.

FF

[livednlearned]

Do you want to be making this decision when you are sleep deprived?

Hotel stays are not a long-term strategy from the sounds of it. It also sounds like you have ruled out getting an apartment of your own or finding a different place to sleep, including an RV. While none of these are great options, in your mind are they worse than filing for divorce or separation?

I read through your thread on the Staying board. I have sleep issues, too, and understand the urgency. If I remember correctly, you also have PTSD. I also remember you two experienced a CPS incident and made it through relatively intact, which is not easy. You've recently moved to a new state and in one post it sounded like you have other stresses going on. I get that you're at your breaking point, and this is when we tend to pick nuclear options to solve problems we don't have the strength to deal with at that moment.

The big question is whether you have the fight in you anymore to make your marriage work. Since you have been on the Staying board and committed to making it work, my recommendation is that you take care of your sleep needs immediately so you can be in the right frame of mind to work on the divorce issues.

If your goal is to send a strong signal to your wife that sleep deprivation is critical to your health, would you consider another therapeutic separation to help settle things down while you evaluate this next step?

Since she is threatening divorce and the in-laws sound like willing and able negative advocates, it's probably a good idea to talk to a lawyer no matter what, just to make sure you understand how the laws work and what your first line of defense should be if your wife and her advocates start the divorce process, or make false allegations.

Honestly -- to be blunt -- the letter you drafted to BIL, FIL, and wife about your sleep, thinking a lawyer would write it, and a judge would take your side, etc... .it just sounds like something a man who is very, very beaten down would think was a working solution. Your gears are jammed up right now, FF.

The main objective may be to figure out the sleep issue first, and there are other possibilities here. My divorce was on tilt and I have no illusions about what it takes to get through these ordeals. I wouldn't wish it on my enemies. It's the nuclear option and it should be your last resort. The question to ask yourself is whether you are there yet.

[formflier]

No.  Not there yet.  Probably have a week or two. Hard to tell. 

Give me a couple good nights in my bed and I am a different person.  Had I known that I should prep for sleep issues this weekend.  I would have totally changed last weeks schedule and priority.

FF

[livednlearned]

Regardless of what you do, document everything. It's not fun, but it's essential.

I was sleep deprived and drowning in anxiety during the first year of my divorce, and the best thing I did was to keep a very concise Google calendar of events. My memory was shot, so it helped to have this record when I needed it, and honestly, it gave me a sense of sanity to see how things unfolded when I felt flooded with stress. Then, when I needed a timeline, I just printed out the calendar as an agenda and everything printed out neat and orderly.

The FIL sounds like trouble. Hopefully he will not be getting too involved going forward. Does he live nearby? 

[formflier]

Does he live nearby? 

Yep, unfortunately a few blocks away. 

I had always just thought he was the shell of a man that had been whipped by a BPDish queen wife for all these years and that most of the issues descended from the wife (my wife's mother)

And I still do, for the most part.

My wife does the "hopping" in and out of doors thing and "flings" words when things get weird.  It is exactly how the FIL did it.

Really just a curiosity as I turn things over in my head to try and figure out (I don't spend a lot of time thinking about this) how my wife came to be who and what she is. 

Generally her family is very obvious (even now) that she is #3 of three kids.  Wasn't really wanted.  Really sad.

FF

[livednlearned]

You sound really, really tired FF.

It's off the charts stressful what's been going on in your home.

You need to get regular, good sleep, stat. Then problem solve a way to get regular, ongoing good sleep.

Didn't you move out a while back, soon after the CPS incident?

[formflier]

Didn't you move out a while back, soon after the CPS incident?

Two summers ago.  It was part of a voluntary agreement with CPS.  It was obvious the peace had to come in and that both us in same space wasn't going to work.

The "trade" in the voluntary agreement was that we "had to comply" with our counselors and mental health professionals, while the CPS incident was o

She had always gotten into counseling and at a critical point "run" away.  She was faced with staying and facing it, or flipping the bird to CPS.  The most "progress" ever made in our family was made that summer during a "sort of TS".  We didn't title it that, but it is what it was.

Corporal punishment went bye bye from out family.  Not trying to be a moralist here on either side of the spanking debate.  For many years I think it worked fine (properly).  Things got weird and BPDish stuff started coming out during spankings.  That is what triggered me to go to CPS.

FF

[livednlearned]

How do you feel about doing a TS now? At least until the stress of the move passes over.

Any chance you can afford to get a place while you take a mental health break and get sleep on track? Or stay with your folks?

[formflier]

How do you feel about doing a TS now? At least until the stress of the move passes over.

Any chance you can afford to get a place while you take a mental health break and get sleep on track? Or stay with your folks?

If it is her going, maybe.

Me going, not to keen on that. 

If I found a place I could move all of our bedroom junk to, maybe.

Hard to explain.  Sleep environment is a big deal.

FF