The paradox of the disordered - addiction therapy

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Who should the addict blame?

The drug dealer who was selling drugs in a bag labeled "candy".

That's who.

[NCEA]

Who should the addict blame?

The drug dealer who was selling drugs in a bag labeled "candy".

That's who.

[Skip]

Maybe this will help... .its a pretty good review and fits the "addict analogy" - its from alcohol recovery.

The Blame Game

Blaming other people means never having to say sorry. If other people are responsible for the bad things that happen in life then the individual can avoid feelings of culpability. Blame involves making a judgment about other people. When blame is apportioned it devalues that other person in the eyes of the individual making this judgment. Those who fall into addiction will frequently blame other people for their predicament. It is only when they take responsibility for their situation that they can be free.

Blame Defined

To blame somebody for something means to to hold them responsible for something that has happened. Another way of looking at blame is to say that the cause of suffering can be attributed to a conscious being. People do say things like the weather is to blame, but by doing this they are implying that the weather has the ability to make conscious decisions.

Blame and Grandiosity

Grandiosity means that the individual has an unrealistic sense of their own importance. Those who exhibit grandiosity will find it hard to accept any criticism and when things go wrong they will quickly find reasons to blame other people. No matter how bad this individual messes up their life they will always have somebody else to blame. Some individuals experience excessive grandiosity as part of a mental health problem known as narcissistic personality disorder.

Self-Blame

Self-blame is a condition where the individual feels responsible for the actions done by another person who has harmed them. This type of guilt is common with rape victims and others who have been through a traumatic event. It is suggested that the individual will resort to self-blame because of their feelings of powerless. If they blame themselves for what has happened it means that they may be able to stop it occurring again in the future. By admitting that they are not to blame for the event they may need to accept that it was beyond their control. It is understandable that people like to believe in a just world, but unfortunately bad things happen to good people all the time. Part of getting over self-blame may be accepting that the world might not be inherently just.

Addiction and Victim Blaming

It was once believed that anyone who fell into addiction did so because they were immoral or just bad people. In the last century this type of attitude began to be considered as victim blaming. The disease theory of addiction put forward the idea that the individual was as much to blame for their condition as the cancer victim. There is still a great deal of debate about whether or not addiction is a disease – some addicts may even use this as justification to carry on their current trajectory. The more modern view of addiction is that while the individual might not be to blame for their problems they are responsible for their own recovery.

Addiction and Blame

The blame game is something that addicts can use to justify their addiction. They can use it alongside denial to remain in their self-imposed hell. The addict will usually be able to provide many reasons for their substance abuse and most of these will involve blame. The typical examples of this include:

* Other people make them feel miserable so that they have to drink to feel better

* Other people criticize their drinking so now they have to hide it

* Their parents made their childhood difficult. Those in recovery can later see the foolishness of such blaming with the humorous comment, I may not have had the best childhood, but I certainly had the longest one.

* Those responsible for the education system did not provide them the right opportunities.

* Their boss expects too much from them. Work is too stressful so they need alcohol or drugs to unwind.

* Their ex broke their heart and substance abuse helps them cope

* Their friends are all have alcohol or drug users so it is their fault for offering so much encouragement.

* They joined an addiction recovery group and these individuals brainwashed them into believing that substance abuse was a problem. This is the reason why their alcohol or drug use is no longer enjoyable.

* The government has ruined the country and the only option is to stay inebriated.

* The banks have ruined the economy so there are no jobs around.

* Humans have destroyed the planet so it makes sense to party in the last days.

* They were indoctrinated into a religion and blame this for their current addiction.

* The opposite sex doesn’t find them attractive so they need to resort to alcohol or drugs for comfort.

The Dangers of Blaming in Addiction

If the individual is focused on blaming other people it can keep them trapped in their addiction. This is because the addict has no control over other people; they only have control over themselves. The dangers of focusing on blame include:

* It provides a justification for further substance abuse

* Blame encourages a whole host of negative emotions that prevent people from thinking clearly.

* Blame benefits nobody.

* Blame can prevent the individual from acknowledging their own faults.

* Blame is often just an excuse for poor behavior.

Blame in Recovery

In order for people to build a successful life away from addiction they will need to take responsibility for their own life. This means they can no longer act like a ball in a pinball machine using blame as the flipper. Emotional sobriety means dealing with life in a more honest way and taking control of things. Those who continue to focus on blame will be unlikely to get the most out of recovery. They will end up relapsing because somebody else made them do it, or they will develop dry drunk syndrome. To say that somebody is a dry drunk means that the only thing in their life that has really changed is that they no longer drink or do drugs – their behavior may still be appalling.

Admitting to Mistakes

If people are to become emotional sober they will need to be able to admit to their own mistakes. If their initial urge when something goes wrong is to blame other people this will prevent them from acknowledging the part they played in the event. Of course there will be many things that happen to people where they will not be responsible, but it is not a good idea to always rush to judgment. In order for people to become successful they will likely make many mistakes along the way. The worst thing that people can do with their mistake is to try to ignore it or blame other people for it. It is only by acknowledging mistakes that people can learn from them and grow. There is nothing to be learned by apportioning blame.

www.alcoholrehab.com/addiction-recovery/blame-and-addiction/

[NCEA]

You know, it was not actually a drug dealer. It was a cute girl with a big smile. You're missing the point. They're fake and misleading . They pretend they're someone they're not. They lie. They cheat. They wear a mask. They mirror. Doesn't matter how healthy you are - you'll not always be able to spot it and when you akready do, you're already bonded by sex and a relationship.

Don't tell me that no healthy person ever got involved with a disordered person. It happens all the time. Sometimes it takes weeks or months till the mask comes off.

You're whole "blame it on ourselves too" is starting to get on my nerves really. It sounds more "wholesome" but in some cases it's just BS. Each case is different.

My ex told me she cheated all the time. But she also told me that she wants to change and a bunch of other stuff. I trusted her and I was wrong to do so. It doesn't mean that anything is wrong with me. Some things are wrong with me but it has nothing to do with her.

[DreamGirl]

Just to add to the conversation... .from this article: The Psychology of Victimhood

We have become a nation of victims, where everyone is leapfrogging over each other, publicly competing for the status of victim, and where everyone is defined as some sort of survivor. Shamelessly, many people in recovery compare their individual sagas of abuse in alcoholic families or sexual harassment on the job, with the experiences of World War II Holocaust survivors who endured the atrocities of the concentration camps (Herman, 1992). Today it is fashionable to be a victim. Celebrities like Oprah Winfrey, Kitty Dukakis, Elizabeth Taylor, and Michael Reagan are leading this newest trend. Oprah's, Geraldo's, and Donahue's shows are saturated with victims from all walks of life, proudly confessing their victimization on national T.V. (Hughes, 1993; Kaminer, 1992; Sykes, 1992; Tavris, 1993).

In claiming the status of victim and by assigning all blame to others, a person can achieve moral superiority while simultaneously disowning any responsibility for one's behavior and its outcome. The victims 'merely' seek justice and fairness. If they become violent, it is only as a last resort, in self-defense. The victim stance is a powerful one. The victim is always morally right, neither responsible nor accountable, and forever entitled to sympathy.

At the heart of the blame approach is a system of warfare, which centers on the outcome of moral or legal battles rather than on the resolution of conflict and the prevention of future violence. As such, it neither reduces pathology nor protects the victim. Sending an abusive husband to jail stops the beatings, and may give the wife a feeling of justice and revenge. It will not help the husband deal with his violent behavior, and it will not teach the wife about her more subtle role in the violent relationship. By confirming the wife's status as a victim, the legal solution is likely to perpetuate further violence. On the one hand, the imprisoned husband may leave prison with more rage and violent tendencies than he had when he was incarcerated, and on the other hand, the wife may simply find herself another abusive man. Whether or not their abusive husbands were charged, restrained, or jailed, women who were abused as children are likely to engage in abusive relationships unless some healing occurs. The hope for victims does not lie in the blame approach and the legal system. Hope is established when the victims acquire higher self esteem, learn to differentiate between love and violation, and when they can feel that they are entitled to loving relationships.

One of my favorite quotes by one of our members was "it was realizing I wasn't a victim, but a volunteer... ."

I say all this because we perpetuate our pain when we get caught up in the catastrophic language. When we get in the thoughts of "my life is over!" or "I will never love like this again!" or "She was the best I'll ever have!"

It's part of our own fantastic thinking.

It's not true. Love with someone who is not disordered is still feasible, possible, and achievable. Of course it'll be different - but there is always a difference in every relationship.

"Boredom" is an addicts reason for using... .when studies show that "boredom" is code word for "depression". The same way that we are not "bored" with normalcy.

Something in us is missing and needs healing. I'm sure that a person with BPD has offered some kind of temporary band aid for whatever that is --- but these relationships aren't usually the sole reason we're hurting. Or need drama. Or excitement. They are simply the catalyst.

In my experience the excitement/drama/mind blowing/adventure seeking is usually an underlying reason for something that we've grown accustomed to ---- from everything to our own martyrdom to the codependent nature that seems to be a common denominator between the lot of us. For me especially, I like to leech of other people's problems because I do not like facing my own.

It's stripping away all this stuff that gets us on a different path to a healthier version of ourselves. We all learn from these experiences. That's what allows us to get over these relationships and be able to function in a relationship where the scales become even. Where we value the other person as much as we value ourselves and vice versa... .

[NCEA]

"Something in us is missing and needs healing. I'm sure that a person with BPD has offered some kind of temporary band aid for whatever that is --- but these relationships aren't usually the sole reason we're hurting. Or need drama. Or excitement. They are simply the catalyst. "

This is totally over simplification. Many of these relationships are disordered in subtle ways for a long long time. These people can pretend to be "normal" for months and years. The relationships deteriorate over many weeks and months. You are usually able to connect the dots many weeks or months after it's over. You hope that they'll change and become better. That it's a phase. That's it's because it's why they say it is like that  - in my case "stress at work and propels with the boss". You're already invested in the relationship for a long long time and had put too much on this stock to sell at a lose so you wait a little longer.

Stop telling people here that they're defective. If you saved a street cat and ten month later you discovered that he has cancer, is that your fault too?

[NCEA]

And for the record - last thing she told me is that "she can't wait to be my friend".

I left with grace, until I realized that she's actually evil, there is no reason to stay in contact with someone who genuinely only uses you for his own needs. (Sex, ego, money, whatever)

What my ex did was so "bad" that you don't even allow me to post it, you keep saying it's too graphic.

This is ridiculous how you keep locking up threads that are not to your liking.

[Rapt Reader]

Let's try to keep this collegial. Some posts have been removed.

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[troisette]

The starting point of curing oneself of addiction is acknowledging it.

In order to do so, the addictive substance has to be identified.

Once we do that we are on the way to recovery. NCEA's original post acknowledges addiction and suggests a way of dealing with it - by taking responsiblity for maintaining no contact. Seems sensible to me.

Fault, blame - they are high emotion words, understandable in the context of withdrawal. Taking responsibility for maintaining no contact, as NCEA suggests, is an adult decision.

[Skip]

If we are going to go with a "addiction" analogy its important to also recognize that addiction recovery is all about taking responsibility.

Go to a meeting or a recovery center.

Hello. My name is John. I am an alcoholic.

I think the support group would offer some push back to the one member that stand up and says,

Hello. My name is John. It is a paradox. It tastes so good, it give me a buzz, but then it makes me miss work, and cheat on my wife. Beer is evil. How could anyone help but get caught up in this?

And even more to:

Don't blame the victim.

Blame and Grandiosity

Grandiosity means that the individual has an unrealistic sense of their own importance. Those who exhibit grandiosity will find it hard to accept any criticism and when things go wrong they will quickly find reasons to blame other people. No matter how bad this individual messes up their life they will always have somebody else to blame. Some individuals experience excessive grandiosity as part of a mental health problem known as narcissistic personality disorder [traits].

This author of this article makes this assessment - I had never seen it laid out this way. We know that one common pairing with BPD traits is NPD traits.

If people are to become emotional sober they will need to be able to admit to their own mistakes. If their initial urge when something goes wrong is to blame other people this will prevent them from acknowledging the part they played in the event. Of course there will be many things that happen to people where they will not be responsible, but it is not a good idea to always rush to judgment. In order for people to become successful they will likely make many mistakes along the way. The worst thing that people can do with their mistake is to try to ignore it or blame other people for it. It is only by acknowledging mistakes that people can learn from them and grow. There is nothing to be learned by apportioning blame.

Doesn't this really get to the heart of the matter in a healthy and balanced way?

Yes, this is so true, "there will be many things that happen to people where they will not be responsible".

This is equally true, If people are to become emotional sober they will need to be able to admit to their own mistakes. If their initial urge when something goes wrong is to blame other people this will prevent them from acknowledging the part they played in the event.

Both can be true.

Interesting to find these quotes in an alcohol recovery article.  Good discussion.

[thisworld]

For addiction analogy:

12 steps Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. And that's just step 4. There are 8 more to go.

Addiction is a very painful thing. Not simply because some substance turned the addict's life into hell. Addicts and co-dependents are shame and guilt ridden, through and through. I'm yet to see an addict/co-dependent or a non-addict/co-dependent who was a truly happy, content, wholesome person who all of a sudden found themselves in the throes of addiction or codependency. I cannot speak for everyone of course but it seems to me that if someone insists on that narrative, it is probably because they are not ready to face themselves yet. I was of that line of thinking, feeling. Me, having this wonderful life, coming from the ideal family, high-achiever, financial freedom whatnot. What am I, a card carrying atheist high-achiever el fantastico, doing in these 12 step circles organized in churches where strangers are giving each other hugs? Ah, yes, my partner is crazy, that's why!  All this, only to discover that my family of origin somehow was not as perfect as I was conditioned to see, perceive, tell.

Not everyone may have these FOO issues. Some people may have been truly conned. I believe in this relationship I agreed to be conned. All my anger at my partner is actually, to a degree, my anger for myself. Under that anger: again, shame and guilt.

Most addicts who don't recover organically (yes, some people just grow out of it naturally, even heroin addicts)  and who need support,  turn a serious corner with the help of a searching and fearless moral inventory. Then comes amends, grrr:)) This is such a difficult process, I have tremendous respect for everyone who has gone through this despite that pain. If we don't do that we become "dry drunks" really. We are talking about addiction a lot, that we are addicts. Probably, we will have to look at ourselves and only ourselves at one point. Addicts courageously do that. I sometimes read about fellows who went through these BPD relationships and say kudos, I would have lapsed. And kudos to those who lapsed but managed to continue recovery.

In productive meetings, if we only talk about our "adventures" with the substance (painful or glorious), we may get warned by more experienced members that we should not romanticize because that may be a sign of a lapse and we should also take responsibility and talk about ourselves, not the substance. That's not invalidation, it's a call to recovery, it's help. Trust is very important. Why should people who want to help me would like to invalidate me knowingly anyway? Experiencing this is a whole new experience for some of us in these circles. Initially, we may not trust. 

As all recovering addicts probably admit at one point, addicts are very self-absorbed people and so are codependents. Many are narcissistic in inverted ways. Sometimes your sponsor says "yeah, that happened to you. Live with it." It's like a slap on your face. Horrible, horrible sponsor:)) You are supposed to love me, how can you say live with it to me! To ME, I'm your sponsee! ) But it's actually a technique to point at Low Frustration Tolerance. Secular recovery programmes have exercises for this, very similar to some DBT techniques. Unfortunately for us declaring ourselves addicts, BPD and addiction thought patterns overlap at some points. I think my BPD partner and I are very similar in some ways despite very clear differences. We will probably have to learn similar things in life, but in different orders.

These are just natural consequences of being an addict in recovery and it's great that there is all kinds of informed help and support here. 

Those of us having a healthier psychological make-up than myself may have been truly conned - I actually think people with BPD are pretty bad liars, they give us a lot of clues and they speak too much about themselves anyway to be the most advanced liars. I personally can lie better than my partner if I choose to. He is like a three year old who forgets his lies or has a funny look in his eyes or a funny "I'm lying" tone.  Maybe we don't know how to listen, evaluate what we hear or we reject to listen. We don't ask enough questions. We absorb everything said to us happily because they match what we want to hear - something for our ego. I think usually something like "I'm different."

But for those of us who were not in very long relationships, who don't have children, who do not face bankruptcy: even if we are conned, even if we truly loved and were conned, why can't we live with it? Someone passed through our lives and we were burned. Maybe our love was a rare gift to them even though they exploited and wasted it. Allright. We happened to act selflessly once and it was exploited. Can't we come at a point where we can say phew, and smile? And feel strong for being able to love selflessly even if for a period? I'm not saying this to invalidate anyone's hurt. I'm not saying it because I don't feel the hurt. We are all entitled to our feelings, all the time actually, even when they are not fair to the other person. But there are other people who are able to react in some other ways. We don't have to be them, we are not them. But I believe these alternatives  are very valuable because they show us something about our own egos. I believe that's where healing begins.

Addicts and co-dependents practice gratefulness also. This is because they are used to the victim mode. We then learn to think in other ways. (Because we are stubborn, it's almost like homework in the beginning, we say it hatingly). Maybe this is the paradox of the addict, to learn to be grateful despite an initially s*hitty life. And life gets better.

So,

I'm grateful that this relationship ended despite I'm suffering because worse things may have happened in the long run. It seems that I could be burned so so so badly. (Some people here have such long-term pain and suffering)

I'm grateful that I managed to keep a roof above my head although it was wrecked. (Some people here lived in tents.)

I'm grateful that I wasn't taken to court after my house was busted by the police because a neighbour said there was a drug thing going on. (Thank you neighbour, really.)

I'm grateful that I still have my camera, my bicycle and the sea so I'll have some free entertainment until my finances get a bit better.

I'm grateful for his extreme craziness because our relationship exploded at a relatively early stage because of this. (What would have happened if he kept the façade for years and then dumped me all of a sudden?)

I'm grateful that I acted with relative dignity and honesty even if it was not reciprocated.

I'm grateful that I could fall in love and take the risk of being injured even if I was injured because taking that risk is a courageous act in itself.

I believe this exercise makes me see my life as a whole and prevents me from black and white, all or nothing thinking that can turn my day into a really bad day. It also nicely kicks the BPD person out of my focus for a while.

[troisette]

Succinct: an insightful and meaningful analysis for me; brave and helpful.

Thanks This world.

[Moselle]

I'm grateful that this relationship ended despite I'm suffering because worse things may have happened in the long run. It seems that I could be burned so so so badly. (Some people here have such long-term pain and suffering)

I'm grateful that I managed to keep a roof above my head although it was wrecked. (Some people here lived in tents.)

I'm grateful that I wasn't taken to court after my house was busted by the police because a neighbour said there was a drug thing going on. (Thank you neighbour, really.)

I'm grateful that I still have my camera, my bicycle and the sea so I'll have some free entertainment until my finances get a bit better.

I'm grateful for his extreme craziness because our relationship exploded at a relatively early stage because of this. (What would have happened if he kept the façade for years and then dumped me all of a sudden?)

I'm grateful that I acted with relative dignity and honesty even if it was not reciprocated.

I'm grateful that I could fall in love and take the risk of being injured even if I was injured because taking that risk is a courageous act in itself.

I believe this exercise makes me see my life as a whole and prevents me from black and white, all or nothing thinking that can turn my day into a really bad day. It also nicely kicks the BPD person out of my focus for a while.

This world. Thanks for your description of the addictive nature of these relationships and the insights that come so painfully to many of us.

I busy going through my dark night so I appreciate all the things you are grateful for too.

[thisworld]

Hey Troisette, I'm so happy that it helps

Moselle, thank you for your encouraging words. My thoughts are with you