Help me understand... Txt Conversation word for word. I feel Crazy.

[GoingBack2OC]

OK so this is the conversation I just had. No names are included - No personal Info is included, and all references to anything identifiable are removed.

For the record I have always had a very very hard time getting her to answer the phone. For a long time I thought she was AvPD. Perhaps she is.

Anythoughts on this would be appreciated. Sorry I'm still in pain, and I know I probably come off as a bit wimpy, but well. I did love her. I still do.


Me: hey you can text me back at this number. want to chat? just want to confirm tuesday at 6pm. im good for that. then i can leave you alone  12:56 PM
Me: how was the birthday dinner last night? 12:57 PM
Me: lets not fight, ill make a promise... .if you can start answering... .and responding... .ill stop the repeat texts. what do you think? truce? 12:59 PM
Me: lets make a truce. come on sweet pea, good for both of us. 12:59 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: I didn't go. Speaking with you made me sick to my stomach. I hate you. Leave me alone. Plus you lied about taking stuff down from online. You're a bad person. This is my last communication with you 1:00 PM    ****Taking stuff down online refers to pictures of us- all very nice photos, which are still online... .I offered to give her the picassa account via email after saying I'd erase them, she never responded so I left them - but we are talking about 1 day... .1 day they remained up... .nothing bad, just vacation photos******
Me: come on babe, you dont mean, that. lets forgive. you hung up on me. can we one day, just this one day, be ok. 1:08 PM
Me: i know this isnt what you want. let me come down and see you. its saturday. 1:08 PM
Me: lets please end this crazyness. 1:08 PM
Me: can you answer im calling from my computer. I don't have my phone with me, I can't receive calls on google voice, only make calls. 1:09 PM
Me: and why are you always so defensive? all ive been asking to do is to heal, to forgive, you accept, but then get so angry, stubborn, im willing to let this all go 1:10 PM
Me: to forgive. 1:11 PM
Me: lets go back to disneyland. 1:11 PM
Me: lets go to turks 1:11 PM
Me: lets get away for a day 1:11 PM
Me: i dont know why you've been like this since losing your job. i wish you could just let it go and we could heal. i know deep down you dont want to lose us, 1:12 PM
Me: but this really is negatively affecting me too. cant we just hug it out? 1:12 PM
Me: let me come see you today. 1:12 PM
Me: answer please? 1:13 PM
Me: ok well im going back to studio. was willing to drop my plans for today to try to reconcile... .again. ill put it back on autotext. hope you can let it go soon 1:15 PM
Me: i dont know, for over 1 year, it's been like this, you will fight with me for days over text, sometimes weeks. and the fight is about me begging to be ok. 1:15 PM
Me: you gotta let me in, you gotta let it go. you gotta let love in. stop being like this. it will all make your life so much better. 1:16 PM
Me: please stop chosing the hard way 1:16 PM
Me: ok bye for now. ill be back later tonight maybe try you again, auto texts starting now to keep trying you 1:17 PM
Me: ps your vm is full... how do you get calls for jobs? some contacts must have this number... .not good 1:17 PM
Me: hope we can forgive, forget, and love again soon. would be nice. 1:18 PM
Me: i do give you props, and major points for your stubbornness level- a level i've never witnessed. i prob match you for tenacity though 1:19 PM
Me: in a way it makes me laugh. 1:19 PM
Me: sorry fyi i emailed you about the pictures... .i asked if you wanted the account/pw to take over,instead of deleted or if you just wanted the account. its a better account name than yours. I'd just give it to you.  1:21 PM
Me: i do love you. xo 1:23 PM
Me: just hold my hand. let me hug you. lets make up. 1:24 PM
Me: i know you miss me. you said you did. stop this. HER NAME HERE... .STOP THIS. 1:24 PM
Me: ANSWER THE PHONE. IM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN. 1:24 PM
Me: ok i guess gotta go. 1:27 PM
Me: lets make love not war. come on. this needs to stop. its been too long. 1:29 PM
Me: lets make love not war. come on. this needs to stop. its been too long. 1:30 PM
Me: lets paint today 1:31 PM
Me: anything you want to do. 1:31 PM
****TO CREDIT, SHE DID CALL A FEW TIMES... .AFTER I EXPLAINED I DIDNT HAVE MY PHONE NOR COULD I ANSWER INBOUNDS ON GOOGLE VOICE- THIS FOLLOWS*****
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Please take me off the auto dial. I've answered I've called and you're not there. What's wrong with us? There is nothing right with what you're doing. We are over and have been over for a long time and I'm doing you a huge favor talking to you ... .and it makes me sick to my stomach each and every conversation. I don't want to see you. My only wish is that you'd leave me alone, and I'm sure I can figure out how to take down the online stuff, which is all bad things to do. But I'm sure there is a way to take it down without you since you're totally incapable of doing anything I ask. You have been working hard ruining my life, under the disguise of "love"... .Your love is torture to be. You know exactly what you're doing and that it's bad. You've admitted that you have been a jerk. you treat me like your enemy, worse even! you harass, you are using my identity, you steal, you don't understand... .You force me to do things I don't want to do. I've been seeing doctors and sick because you stress me out. My one doc told me 2 years ago I should leave you. Her prescription! Any communication with you leaves me emotionally paralyzed. You cannot possibly make me happy because you refuse to understand how and every time I talk to you I know that it will never happen. You are too self centered. Please understand, there is no us. Me being happy in the past came to a huge cost to me. It was called a compromise-- gave up a lot to make you happy in the past, A lot. I was hoping that you'd yield on some big things for me in return, but you just never even noticed. And you can't even do simple things for me that I ask. You've turned me into a nagger within year 1! And than hated me for it? You've worked 24/7 and when I had to for like a month, trying to prove myself at a new job, you made me feel horrible?How many times did I beg you to understand how wrong it is to cancel no show auto dial harass? I know you won't get it and I am done with trying and hoping that you'd ever learn anything. I know you can't help but turn to your tactic to destroy me every time you don't get what you want immediately. You see things in black and white. There is no such thing as compromise in your world. I've never seen you make a compromise in the 5 years of knowing you. I can't love someone like you. You've been incredibly horrible to me. Any love you sensed... .Well 5 years is a long time... .And until recently I did care about you a great deal. Thanks for keeping up with harassments in the last month tho, it's a good reminder of the real you. No counseling would be able to fix that. 1:31 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: I can't forgive you for a lot of things. Leave me alone. Forget me. 1:33 PM
Me: You know, I'm sorry, but I do give up. This is so sad, but it's a waste of my time. And you're not gonna budge. Farewell. You can't say I didnt try. So Hard. 1:33 PM
Me: hey 1:33 PM
Me: please talk to me, i didnt hear you answer. 1:34 PM
Me: im calling from my computer. please just answer. not text these paragraphs. please babe? 1:34 PM
Me: ANSWER! 1:35 PM
Me: ANSWER! 1:36 PM
Me: I WILL STOP CALLING IF YOU ANSWER, AND DO NOT HANG UP ON ME! YOU SAID YOU ANSWERED, SORRY I DIDNT HEAR YOU I REALLY DIDNT IVE CALLED A NUMBER OF TIMES, ANSWER! ILL STOP. 1:36 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: You FUC&&&KING answer 1:37 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Last chance 1:37 PM   **** HERE I GUESS SHE WAS CALLING BUT AGAIN, I WAS PRETTY CLEAR I DIDNT HAVE MY PHONE *****
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Stop with the computer crap 1:38 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: I'm calling now 1:38 PM
Me: Its like a game. Like you answer. but if i miss it. I have to hit the bulls eye again. 1:38 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Harasser! Harasser! 1:38 PM
Me: i dont know how to answer 1:38 PM
Me: i dont think i can answer 1:38 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: I called you three times in the row 1:38 PM
Me: im on my laptop 1:39 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: You FUC^&ING idiot 1:39 PM
Me: i dont know how to answer it doesnt ring. just pick up when i call 1:39 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Probably auto dialing from the shi5ter 1:39 PM
Me: haha yea sometimes, im on google voice call 1:39 PM
Me: nope i already pooped 1:39 PM
Me: i just get vm 1:39 PM
Me: goes to vm 1:39 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Haha well it's your problem then you can't answer the phone 1:39 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: And it goes to vm when I call you 1:40 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Idiot 1:40 PM
Me: keep getting vm 1:40 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: fuc$$ off you harasser maniac 1:40 PM
Me: just answer 1:40 PM
Me: answer and dont hang up and ill stop 1:40 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: I can't I blocked you on this phone 1:40 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: At t blocked 1:40 PM
Me: still vm 1:41 PM
Me: hey 1:41 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: I never hang up on you 1:41 PM
Me: u there? answer 1:41 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Anyway I'm going to live my life 1:41 PM
Me: ANSWER THE PHONE 1:41 PM
Me: ANSWER 1:42 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: . You've blocked me on all lines, you idiot. Seriously fuc%% off 1:43 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: You make me sick literally 1:44 PM
Me: DUDE I DONT HAVE A PHONE!1 1:44 PM
Me: YOU HAVE NOT ANSWERED ONE TIME! 1:44 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Unless you have $45k you could lend me I don't need you 1:44 PM
Me: I HAVE NOO PHONE 1:44 PM
Me: YOU NEED TO ANSWER 1:44 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: $45k? 1:44 PM
Me: u need money whats wrong? 1:44 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: I need money 1:45 PM
Me: i have more than that 1:45 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Great 1:45 PM
Me: will you just friggen answer 1:45 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Can I have some by March? 1:45 PM
Me: jesus this is so counterproductive. 1:45 PM
Me: can you answer the phone and start acting like you are on my team 1:45 PM
Me: rather than my enemy 1:45 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: I've never been your enemy, but I'm about to turn into one. 1:46 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: I told you to FUC^^^ off 1:46 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: And I said it nicely many times 1:46 PM
Me: are you going to answer? i dont understand why you are texting me but refuse to speak. what is wrong babe i mean really? talk to me... .TALK TO ME. 1:46 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Ok I'll stop texting 1:47 PM
Me: AND I SAID ANSWER 1:47 PM
Me: just answer babe. give me the call time. come on. this is really not cool. 1:47 PM
Me: ill auto the hell out of this. until we speak. 1:48 PM
Me: ANSWER THE PHONE 1:48 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: You already done so and it doesn't work 1:48 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Att loved printing out the call log for my family 1:48 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: They totally think it's harassment 1:48 PM
Me: answer! 1:49 PM
Me: will you kindly, please, i am asking please, answer the phone. 1:49 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Take a chill pill 1:49 PM
Me: i ran out 1:49 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: I don't like you get over it 1:49 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: I don't have time for you right now 1:50 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Plus you're an ass 1:50 PM
Me: answer the phone 1:50 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: It's My moms birthday, you selfish piece of shi&& [/url] 1:50 PM
Me: ok im posting this to your blog. - your beautiful profile i made. ill try you later, you can tell me you want it down with your voice. i;ve been nothing but 1:51 PM
Me: nice,. your name calling. cursing. let the world see it 1:51 PM
Me: check online. all the lovely pictures, with this. i dont care. i offer to help you, care for you, all i ask is you answer, respond, and talk, 1:51 PM
Me: i dont care anymore. you do this on purpose. you will text but wont talk. talk but wont meet, you are always holding back something. like a game 1:52 PM
Me: its very sad. when all i want is to make things right. 1:52 PM
Me: sue me in court. i dont care. it will take years. 1:52 PM
Me: i want PEACE 1:53 PM
Me: WE LOVED EACHOTHER. THE WAY YOU ARE TREATING ME IS SO UNFAIR AND UNKIND. 1:53 PM
Me: You push me to the farthest limits! And then get shocked I am so upset. 1:53 PM
Me: We've been texting for an hour! All I wanted was to talk for a few minutes. 1:54 PM
Me: What is the deal! 1:54 PM
Me: answer please 2:00 PM
Me: please answerr 2:01 PM


My EXGIRLFRIEND: Hahaha that's what I get for trying to call you and for answering you, explaining that we are over. You're bad news MY NAME HERE! No more response from me, because frankly every time I do, you find a way to hurt me. 2:01 PM
Me: answer the phone please 2:01 PM
Me: please answer the phone... .2:01 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Plus I can't answer. I can't answer any calls to this phone silly. They all are blocked 2:01 PM
Me: stop doing this please, just please talk to me, ill stop if you just talk with me. 2:01 PM
Me: no they arent. you wouldnt be getting this text then 2:02 PM
Me: please answer 2:02 PM
Me: please answer the phone 2:02 PM
Me: please answer 2:02 PM
Me: please 2:03 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: Oh no you don't get it 2:03 PM
Me: please answer 2:03 PM
My EXGIRLFRIEND: AT&T blocked 2:03 PM
Me: please answer the phone 2:03 PM
Me: so skype then? 2:03 PM
Me: skype me? 2:03 PM
Me: or i can skype you 2:03 PM
Me: ill stop if you talk with me ok? 2:04 PM
Me: skype me 2:04 PM
Me: skype me 2:04 PM
Me: just skype me 2:04 PM
Me: hey 2:10 PM
Me: how about skype 2:10 PM
Me: that sound good? 2:10 PM
Me: hey sup 2:10 PM
Me: dude be cool honey bunny 2:11 PM
Me: be cool honey bunny, be cool. 2:11 PM
Me: youre supposed to say i am cool co-cheese. 2:11 PM
Me: 2:11 PM
Me: man i miss laughin with you. Baymax. remember, big hero 6... .i think that was the last time we (or at least i) chilled and had a great time with you. 2:12 PM
Me: realizing. those times are over  sadly. you wont allow me in to your life. i'd love to help, any way i can. i dunno. you wont respond now. 2:12 PM
Me: later. 2:12 PM
Me: so why do you need 45k? Why by march? 2:15 PM
Me: why that amount? what is wrong that you would need that lump sum? 2:15 PM
Me: 45k is quite a bit. i mean i have money, but why do you need 45k? you said march? what is it for though? 2:16 PM
Me: well if you want to tell me whats wrong... .im here. hope your'e ok. 2:17 PM
Me: gotta go. i dont have a phone. so i guess, you can try to catch me if im online on my laptop. 2:17 PM
Me: and for the record, as far as money, i always would have helped. you know that. money is worthless without people you love. i hope you're ok. maybe talk oneday 2:18 PM
Me: i give up. 2:28 PM

So thoughts? I know, I should just let this girl go. I never once said anything mean, negative, never cursed. She curses and lashes out like no other.

But sometimes, I feel like I'm the BPD, because I do call and call and call. But it's because she wont answer, and I do care. Sigh... .        

[flourdust]

I agree that you sound like a person with BPD. You're incredibly needy, aggressive, and basically harassing her by texts. You should leave her alone.

[GoingBack2OC]

I agree that you sound like a person with BPD. You're incredibly needy, aggressive, and basically harassing her by texts. You should leave her alone.

Well it's tough when the week before she dumped me she was saying how much she was in love with me. I feel like I've turned BPD.

I'll also add; - and this is important. If I stop calling her. Stop texting her. 3-4 days... .my phone starts ringing.

I never curse at her. Never even really raise my voice. I feel like I've been trying everything to reach her... .in terms of love, understanding, candor, she lets me in then kicks me out. It's been a crazy ride.  

Some days, we'd be fine. I'd call her at noon the next day just to say hi and she'd answer screaming leave her alone f off, shes sleeping (id say sorry it's noon how would i know) and shed hang up and disappear for days.

I dont think I was agressive... .I mean:  I said I can't take inbound calls. Please answer... .what does she do?  She calls my cel - 8 times, i keep saying "i dont have my phone". please just answer... .im calling her from google voice.

Its like a game... .driving me crazy.

Yea, I'll leave her alone. And then she will call.

[1minuteatatime]

So thoughts? I know, I should just let this girl go. I never once said anything mean, negative, never cursed. She curses and lashes out like no other.

But sometimes, I feel like I'm the BPD, because I do call and call and call. But it's because she wont answer, and I do care. Sigh... .        [/quote]
We attract what we project.  We have BPD traits, too.  That's why we attract it.  We don't incessantly do that.(my ex and I)  She only did it once.  10-15 texts in a row.  When I told her over text that "she is likely correct, we are not compatible"  I was highly manipulative using her own words to see if she still wanted to try again.  She asked me if I wanted her to "blow up my phone with texts".  I didn't.  I wanted to know if I had a chance.  

You guys are beyond reasonable.  That is one of the craziest text fights I have ever seen.  I have never seen something like that.  

With my ex and I:

We are quieter than that but both of us have borderline traits.  I have intense fear abandonment(we both do).  I try to keep emotional distance.  I am a perfectionist in many ways.  I have anger issues at times.  I have shame in how I handle things at times.  She is very emotional.  Has eating issues.  Anger issues.  Blames others for almost all of the problems.  Then blames herself.  Tons of shame.   She used guilt as a weapon fairly early on and I bought some of it.  Said that she "opened herself up to me sexually, how could I do this or that to her?"  Would use threats of a breakup as "mini tests" on more than 5 occasions.  She has extreme jealousy.  I am the opposite in that regard.  I figure if they are going to cheat, I can't stop it.  Up to them.  But I won't hang around.

She asked me if I was "stringing her along".  Told me that she "didn't want to travel with me anymore" because it felt like a "consolation prize" When she said that, I felt like she wanted some kind of statement of complete love.  I fall in love fairly slow. 

That is probably one of the most unhealthy text fights I have ever seen.  Ours wasn't healthy, either.  That is ridiculous.  Neither of you seems ok.

Are you doing ok?  What are you feeling right now?  

[GoingBack2OC]

So thoughts? I know, I should just let this girl go. I never once said anything mean, negative, never cursed. She curses and lashes out like no other.

But sometimes, I feel like I'm the BPD, because I do call and call and call. But it's because she wont answer, and I do care. Sigh... .        

We attract what we project.  We have BPD traits, too.  That's why we attract it.  We don't incessantly do that.(my ex and I)  She only did it once.  10-15 texts in a row.  When I told her over text that "she is likely correct, we are not compatible"  I was highly manipulative using her own words to see if she still wanted to try again.  She asked me if I wanted her to "blow up my phone with texts".  I didn't.  I wanted to know if I had a chance.  

You guys are beyond reasonable.  That is one of the craziest text fights I have ever seen.  I have never seen something like that.  

With my ex and I:

We are quieter than that but both of us have borderline traits.  I have intense fear abandonment(we both do).  I try to keep emotional distance.  I am a perfectionist in many ways.  I have anger issues at times.  I have shame in how I handle things at times.  She is very emotional.  Has eating issues.  Anger issues.  Blames others for almost all of the problems.  Then blames herself.  Tons of shame.   She used guilt as a weapon fairly early on and I bought some of it.  Said that she "opened herself up to me sexually, how could I do this or that to her?"  Would use threats of a breakup as "mini tests" on more than 5 occasions.  She has extreme jealousy.  I am the opposite in that regard.  I figure if they are going to cheat, I can't stop it.  Up to them.  But I won't hang around.

That is probably one of the most unhealthy text fights I have ever seen.  Ours wasn't healthy, either.  That is ridiculous.  Neither of you seems ok.

Are you doing ok?  What are you feeling right now?  [/quote]
I mean, no, I'm not really ok.  I feel like I've been "made" crazy.

I never was like this, ever, in any relationship before.  But I said early in the conversation "I dont have my phone, I'm texting from a computer, I can call out, but google voice doesnt allow call ins".  So what does she do?  She starts calling my phone. I remind her, I dont have my phone... .and so on.

It's like. Why even respond to my text at all. It is unhealthy. You're right. I'm just going to leave her alone. As hard as it will be. She is making me act insane. And then she says - in the texts above - do you have 45k$   If not I have no use for you.

It seems abusive. At least to me, when all I am trying to do is see whats wrong - like really wrong. She threatened suicide a few times; then just hangs up and vanishes for days. I've been on edge for years I feel.

[UserName69]

Dude, I did read the entire log and you really need to back off in my opinion. I do understand why she calls you an a-hole, she mad her point clear and she doesn't want you so respect her boundaries. And accept the fact that you will never get her back at all. Behave like a real gentlemen and give her what she wants, as for you you need to get over her and you really sound like my exBPDgf.

One time I broke up with my exBPD for a long period and I did ignore her she was begging me to take her back. She used any way of communication to spam me and it was very annoying. She was missing me because I went NC. Some people do use NC to get their ex back and it can work it depends on how you behave towards her. In your situation I really believe that you have chased her away.

Even if she's a goner you need to learn from your mistakes so history wont repeat itself in the future. Making mistakes is fine as long you have learned something from it.

As a guy to an another guy I'm going to give you a tip about women; never ever be needy, pushy or beg for something. Acting like this makes you look very desperate. When my exBPDgf was literally begging me to take her back I had lost a lot of respect for her.

[GoingBack2OC]

Dude, I did read the entire log and you really need to back off in my opinion. I do understand why she calls you an a-hole, she mad her point clear and she doesn't want you so respect her boundaries. And accept the fact that you will never get her back at all. Behave like a real gentlemen and give her what she wants, as for you you need to get over her and you really sound like my exBPDgf.

One time I broke up with my exBPD for a long period and I did ignore her she was begging me to take her back. She used any way of communication to spam me and it was very annoying. She was missing me because I went NC. Some people do use NC to get their ex back and it can work it depends on how you behave towards her. In your situation I really believe that you have chased her away.

Even if she's a goner you need to learn from your mistakes so history wont repeat itself in the future. Making mistakes is fine as long you have learned something from it.

As a guy to an another guy I'm going to give you a tip about women; never ever be needy, pushy or beg for something. Acting like this makes you look very desperate. When my exBPDgf was literally begging me to take her back I had lost a lot of respect for her.

Yea I know. I do hear you.  Its hard. We were together for 5 years. After 5 years, you start to feel like, I dont know, you don't need to "be fake". Like if I'm hurting, or needy, or whatever, I can be "me".

In general I've always been very independent. But honestly; you are right.

As a side note. I broke up with her after 1 year... .just realized something was off. For 5-6 weeks, she called, texted, emailed, sent cd mix tapes. I finally caved.

I wish I had never let her back in. God I wish I had never let her back in. Because during that 5-6 weeks - I didnt respond once.

[thisworld]

GoingBack20C hi,

I know you are going through a lot of stress and it's very honest and courageous of you to admit that you have lost your balance as well. Each relationship has its own unique communication dynamics so the reality may be very different from what we observe here. However, I as a woman, would consider this harassment no matter what I did. If I was harassing the guy myself, it wouldn't change the fact that I was being harassed and one doesn't justify the other. I think we should all watch our boundaries, these relationships do strange things to boundaries. I also think because of BPD or some boundary issues, your girlfriend may actually be more patient than a non in this particular example. You say you are never mean to her but your comments read pretty aggressive and invalidating to me and you have even told her that you'll put this private post on public media after she has sworn at you. If you put the entire dialogue, I think you would receive more criticism than her - based on this particular dialogue only, we all know that these relationships are crazy making. Yes, they are crazymaking but they don't "make" us crazy unless we fail protect our boundaries and allow this. Please protect yourself better.

[GoingBack2OC]

GoingBack20C hi,

I know you are going through a lot of stress and it's very honest and courageous of you to admit that you have lost your balance as well. Each relationship has its own unique communication dynamics so the reality may be very different from what we observe here. However, I as a woman, would consider this harassment no matter what I did. If I was harassing the guy myself, it wouldn't change the fact that I was being harassed and one doesn't justify the other. I think we should all watch our boundaries, these relationships do strange things to boundaries. I also think because of BPD or some boundary issues, your girlfriend may actually be more patient than a non in this particular example. You say you are never mean to her but your comments read pretty aggressive and invalidating to me and you have even told her that you'll put this private post on public media after she has sworn at you. If you put the entire dialogue, I think you would receive more criticism than her - based on this particular dialogue only, we all know that these relationships are crazy making. Yes, they are crazymaking but they don't "make" us crazy unless we fail protect our boundaries and allow this. Please protect yourself better.

I can't even explain it would take so long.  She calls me horrible things. Horrible mean names. And is an angel to acquaintances. Everyone thinks shes so perfect. But shes so mean to me. She has gaslighted me to death. Over years. It's just been horrible. So many lies. So many.

I was raised in a good family. Ive never had these issues with anyone in my life. I feel over 5 years she really robbed me of who I was. Then just one day, after saying how much she loved me, and wanted a family with me. Broke up. Over a text message. Right before Christmas.

It just seems insane. I dont understand.

And like her comment:  if you dont have 45k i have no need for you.

I feel like she was using me. I lost everything with her. I had lets just say a lot.  Like a lot a lot. Now im fending off bankrupcy.

[Confused?]

I'm sorry to see what you are going through. 5 years is a long time to just get dumped by someone out of the blue. But dude please for yourself stop contact with her. It sucks but it's for your own good. She is probably already seeing someone else. It's just how it goes with them. The more you contact her the more pain it will cause you. A lot of people use the addict analogy with these break ups. With something as simple as texting her and her answering you probably feel she still cares. It's sort of like getting your fix. The only way you will get over her is to stop communication.

[thisworld]

I know, and I feel for you. Nobody has an idea about what goes behind closed doors in these relationships. Sometimes, when you share, you get the stupid invalidation as well "Oh, but he/she seemed so nice" (like we don't know what we are talking about!, seemed yeah, seemed, that's the point). Still though, when we realize that we have started doing things that surprise us, we should do everything in our power to go back to our boundaries because a certain time comes and we also start disliking ourselves for the person we have become if this dynamic somehow goes on. I think it's best to forgive ourselves but do something that will take us back to our mature selves that we actually appreciate.

A lot of things are so difficult to swallow - my ex working diligently to recycle me rudely told me that he wants nothing to do with me now that I don't have a house where he can live. It's kind of so bad that I couldn't even have a proper ego break; how can I take someone's declared opportunism personally really. It's only great that he is childish and cannot lie as expertly as a psychopath does so I can save myself from future trouble. At least, keeping this in mind helps me when he changes his behaviour and starts love bombing and uses his vulnerabilities. In the middle of the financial wreck I'm in, it may be a good gift from BPD to me.

I think we should really cut our losses and focus on healing, re-building our lives and if we focus on this, we will thrive at one point. Spending our mental and emotional energy on these communications weakens us in other areas of our lives because they consume us. Please don't do this to yourself, you already have enough trouble on your shoulders.

Best,   

[UserName69]

Dude, I did read the entire log and you really need to back off in my opinion. I do understand why she calls you an a-hole, she mad her point clear and she doesn't want you so respect her boundaries. And accept the fact that you will never get her back at all. Behave like a real gentlemen and give her what she wants, as for you you need to get over her and you really sound like my exBPDgf.

One time I broke up with my exBPD for a long period and I did ignore her she was begging me to take her back. She used any way of communication to spam me and it was very annoying. She was missing me because I went NC. Some people do use NC to get their ex back and it can work it depends on how you behave towards her. In your situation I really believe that you have chased her away.

Even if she's a goner you need to learn from your mistakes so history wont repeat itself in the future. Making mistakes is fine as long you have learned something from it.

As a guy to an another guy I'm going to give you a tip about women; never ever be needy, pushy or beg for something. Acting like this makes you look very desperate. When my exBPDgf was literally begging me to take her back I had lost a lot of respect for her.

Yea I know. I do hear you.  Its hard. We were together for 5 years. After 5 years, you start to feel like, I dont know, you don't need to "be fake". Like if I'm hurting, or needy, or whatever, I can be "me".

In general I've always been very independent. But honestly; you are right.

As a side note. I broke up with her after 1 year... .just realized something was off. For 5-6 weeks, she called, texted, emailed, sent cd mix tapes. I finally caved.

I wish I had never let her back in. God I wish I had never let her back in. Because during that 5-6 weeks - I didnt respond once.

In my opinion it is just impossible to have a RS with a pwBPD, is it even possible? I think the hardest problem to deal with is acceptance, accepting the fact that the relationship has ended. Especially if your pwBPD was driving you crazy.

I was hurt too just like you, and I never knew what was going on especially when she was in the push/pull mood. I have no idea what she's doing and I don't even care what she's or how she's doing. I'm in NC for 9 months and a lot has happened in those 9 months, I even have a new girlfriend.

My motto is: "Stay strong, stay in NC!".

[GoingBack2OC]

Dude, I did read the entire log and you really need to back off in my opinion. I do understand why she calls you an a-hole, she mad her point clear and she doesn't want you so respect her boundaries. And accept the fact that you will never get her back at all. Behave like a real gentlemen and give her what she wants, as for you you need to get over her and you really sound like my exBPDgf.

One time I broke up with my exBPD for a long period and I did ignore her she was begging me to take her back. She used any way of communication to spam me and it was very annoying. She was missing me because I went NC. Some people do use NC to get their ex back and it can work it depends on how you behave towards her. In your situation I really believe that you have chased her away.

Even if she's a goner you need to learn from your mistakes so history wont repeat itself in the future. Making mistakes is fine as long you have learned something from it.

As a guy to an another guy I'm going to give you a tip about women; never ever be needy, pushy or beg for something. Acting like this makes you look very desperate. When my exBPDgf was literally begging me to take her back I had lost a lot of respect for her.

Yea I know. I do hear you.  Its hard. We were together for 5 years. After 5 years, you start to feel like, I dont know, you don't need to "be fake". Like if I'm hurting, or needy, or whatever, I can be "me".

In general I've always been very independent. But honestly; you are right.

As a side note. I broke up with her after 1 year... .just realized something was off. For 5-6 weeks, she called, texted, emailed, sent cd mix tapes. I finally caved.

I wish I had never let her back in. God I wish I had never let her back in. Because during that 5-6 weeks - I didnt respond once.

In my opinion it is just impossible to have a RS with a pwBPD, is it even possible? I think the hardest problem to deal with is acceptance, accepting the fact that the relationship has ended. Especially if your pwBPD was driving you crazy.

I was hurt too just like you, and I never knew what was going on especially when she was in the push/pull mood. I have no idea what she's doing and I don't even care what she's or how she's doing. I'm in NC for 9 months and a lot has happened in those 9 months, I even have a new girlfriend.

My motto is: "Stay strong, stay in NC!".

Thank you all, Confused? Thisworld, and DoubleEdge.

I know my texting probably seems crazy; it is crazy. But I was the most normal guy. I mean that. I had a successful company; tons of friends, healthy relationships. I've never slept around, only had very nice long term girlfriends; (2 long term prior to this relationship). On those, there was no drama, nothing ever like this. We just outgrew, or grew up in different directions. You change a lot from 18 to 26. And those relationships were wonderful but we grew as people and 3-4 years later were not on the same path.

This is different. I feel for the last 4-5 years I have been pathologically lied to.

- She called me one day a year ago - from the air port, saying she wished I would reconsider joining her on her trip, and I can call her if i change my mind.  That was her VM.  She then vanished for like 4-5 days. Gone. No return calls. Phone Off.  She was in the Bahamas. Seriously- who does that?  I was like, what the hell?

- She got very upset one time that I used her laptop (had to long story but legitamate reason). Months later; she randomly on any given nice day says; you're just upset because you saw the naked photos I took of my ex when we met up and I was with you. Again... .helllo? What naked pictures - first. Second; you said you had lunch!.   

- A week later:  It was a lie:  She made it up to test my love. Thats right. The lie was the lie.

There was tons of this crap. I mean, if she had a business trip, she would say she was leaving tuesday, when in reality it was thursday. When I asked why she did that, she said she needed "me time". 

My response... .why not just say you need me time?  Im an introvert. I get it.

So I guess, without rambling to much... .Is I feel in so many ways; I have been screwed with for soo long. Its made me a little crazy. Someone commented re: my texts. That I seem BPD. But if you read it. She's doing EXACTLY what I am asking her not to do.

I clearly say:  I cant answer I'm on my laptop no inbound calls. I dont have my phone.   Meanwhile I am calling out from my laptop - all calls ignored. During this time. She is calling me an idiot for not knowing how to use my phone. Cursing at me.

All I am doing is saying:  Look ok I get your'e upset, but can we please speak? This is ludicris.  She was calling me; on purpose - on my phone, which she knew I didnt have with me. To be able to say "LATER" that "SHE TRIED".   Its like a huge game.

Yea I probably come across as BPD. I feel BPD right now. Its like Im literally fighting with a two year old.

She also lies; and then uses those lies against me to make me feel bad. Her Moms birthday is tonight, always was. Dinner is tonight. Yesterday she lied and said it was Friday. I asked "I thought it was tomorrow".  Her "Oh we're having two parties".   

Today "I was so sick to my stomach after talking to you... .I missed my Mom's party".  There was no party. There was no party last night. Its insane.

I know I KNOW I KNOW. 

Walk away. RUN away. I am acting insane because I feel I've been driven mad by her insane games, lies, and bizarre behaviour.

IN CLOSING: For those who don't know or understand what I am reeling in pain from; in the Members Lounge Forum on this site; I posted a 3 minute film of "our story". It was a film I made 4 years ago. Using photos from our first "Magical Year", knowing something was wrong/off, and the final photo of the film - I am erased and fade out of her life.

The film can be found towards the top of the forum - its in a thread called A short 3 Minute Film.

If you havent seen it; I invite you to view. And thank you to everyone who has watched it, commented, and PM'd me with your support and kind words. It's a very personal piece. Knowing 4 years in advance what would happen. I was spot on.

Thanks everyone, really. And sorry. I know what I need to do. If you watch the film- perhaps you'll better understand the "life" I was trying to have... .which was never even real.  Watch and perhaps you'll better understand my loss.

[NCEA]

At some point she wrote that she hoped to have a "return" from you, like you're a stock of bond.

Do you come from a wealthy family? Do you make good money? How old are you? Does she work?

[GoingBack2OC]

At some point she wrote that she hoped to have a "return" from you, like you're a stock of bond.

Do you come from a wealthy family? Do you make good money? How old are you? Does she work?

Hey NCEA,

If you read the whole thread (not suggesting it's getting long) - I had mentioned a few times; and always felt she was using me.

I am not as well off as I was... .the emotional turmoil has left me in a bad place. I dont come from money; just very middle class. But I built a multi-million dollar business by the age of 30. Which is now bust; but even though I'm having cashflow problems at this moment in time. Yea I have far more than she has.

If you notice in her texts she says mid-convo "Unless you're going to give me $45k I have no need for you".

The reason she moved out was I let her live with me for zero rent when she graduated. But then I got her a job (I made the introduction) and suddenly she was making 6-figures.  She found it appauling, and insulting I expected her to now "pay rent" on a home "i own".  I explained, first: everyone pays to live.  Second; it included all utilities. I have weekly housekeeping/maids/laundry. All included. I have to pay to keep up the place. Down to all the little things, like replacing lightbulbs. I mean; it costs money to live.

Now, with that said:  I was agreeable to $900/month. My monthly house/maid/utilities/all general costs for the home are roughly $4000/month.

She was making 6 figures, and I thought $900 was very fair; showed a contribution to the home, and was important because well; I didnt want to feel like she was only with me for free rent.   Rather than that-- she moved out and got a place for $2500 a month alone, and is broke (she just got fired).

When we broke up, a lot of it was centered around money. As in; "Unless you are going to marry me like now; and no pre-nup, I am going to shop for a bigger and better deal".

Really.

I adored her the first year and yea I showered her with gifts. But I could afford it. We flew first class to Paris on the new A-380 (had just come out at the time); and again to Italy.  A lot of just because gifts. Burberry coat, stuff for her apartment even though she moved out; yada yada. If you went to her place half the furniture is mine. I said keep it. I dont even care.

And to answer; The job I got her, I hooked her up with, because I am friends with the CEO, the 6 figure job she had for 4 years. He just fired her.

She dumped me 3 days later.

[Rmbrworst]

The interaction is highly toxic and she said she wants nothing to do with you ... .so leave it alone.  It is what it is.

Begging, pleading, and constant texts is not going to make someone want you.  Taking a month off and sending a polite and friendly text is much better.   However, no guarantee she will want to respond.

My exBPD and I had flare ups but we never got to this point.  Nowhere near.

It takes two to tango.

[Invictus01]

Dude, will be honest - looked at the length of the exchange and something like 30+ unanswered texts from you in the very beginning and didn't have to read the whole thing. You are correct, this is nuts. Now, imagine you break up with somebody and get 30+ texts... .Your reaction would be... .? I had something like this happen to me. This one girlie within an hour or so sent me something like 10-15 texts and called me a couple of times. I was done with her before that happened, all that crazy stuff made it as done as it could be.

Chill man. I know these relationships tend to make you crazy... .but whether you wanna act crazy or not is up to you... .

[LostInMemories]

wow, this is exactly the same! this is actually shocking how similar... This is so me. I tried this, contacting het time after time after time... Just because you want answers! You want a reason, and you wanna fix it BECAUSE it happens so suddenly without any warning or reason. Its honestly scaring me how similar my last conversation with my ex was, goes from screaming 'leave me alone' because shes scared because she doesnt know the reason herzelf either, to blaming YOU for her wellbeing, and painting herself to be the victim. You just care, so for people who doesnt understand it quickly seema like YOU are the bad guy harassing me. Not true. You want answers, its eating you up inside. I dont really know how to explain this into words (language barries) and have never been good at explaining in proper grammar haha, but damn, this is so similar and i can so relate to this. When i read it i got the exact same feeling as when it happened to me... .It hurts so bad. You have always bedn good for her, did everything for her, and now she is blaming you, calling you names... It hurts like hell.

[babyducks]

But sometimes, I feel like I'm the BPD, because I do call and call and call. But it's because she wont answer, and I do care. Sigh... .       

Hi GoingBack2OC,

In response to your question let me throw out a couple of thoughts for you to mull over.   I am going to include a link to a workshop on this site for you to read more if you are interested.

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?


This is from that workshop:

Getting a basic understanding of personality disorders (and mood disorders, and anxiety disorders) greatly helped me understand the difficult relationship I was in.  It sent me on a journey that helped me see that our problems had roots in issues that long preceded our relationship. 

And, still later I realized that I too, had some baggage to work on.  I now have, hopefully, greater self-awareness and a more mature understanding of relationships.   It all took time to understand. A lot of time.

Why was it so hard to understand if some one has this disorder?

The diagnostic process is complex. First the person has to qualify as have sufficient impairment to be considered a personality disorder (there are 5 point scales for this).  They they have to qualify for a type (there are 5 point scales for this, too.)

Many of the symptoms for BPD and other personality disorders are the also seen in depression, bipolar disorder and other mood disorders, anxiety disorders (e.g., PSTD), substance abuse, and even Aspergers syndrome.

To be a personality disorder, symptoms have been present for an extended period of time, are inflexible and pervasive, and are not a result of alcohol or drugs or another psychiatric disorder - - the history of symptoms can be traced back to adolescence or at least early adulthood - - the symptoms have caused and continue to cause significant distress or negative consequences in different aspects of the person's life.



Analyzing a relationship conflict when you are one of the involved parties is tough. Everything you see is through the eyes your own biases (and lack of professional training is challenging). It's much easier to see dysfunction in others and harder to see our own or how we are contributing to the overall dynamics.  If the relationship conflict is driving us to do things we don't normally do - how much of that is happening of the other side.

It's a journey of discovery... .every answer tends to open another door to more questions

.

what you experienced in your text exchange was a circular argument.   they are difficult to deal with and take some very specific tools and skills that most of us don't come equipped with.  most of us have had them.   I know I certainly have been locked into arguments that go round and round and make no sense.  it's part of the disorder.

'ducks

[MakingMyWay]

Hi GoingBack20C,

I'm going to be honest with my opinions here.

Like a few people have said, this is pretty similar to what I did. I constantly texted, called, emailed, desperate for answers, but that stopped when I found out she was with a new guy. I understand how stressful it is to be dumped out of the blue and be desperate for REAL answers. But if she truly is BPD you won't get the answers you want. To me its pretty clear that she is annoyed by the texting and is not willing to open up to you in any capacity. It is also very clear that this woman is damaging you a lot with how she is treating you. No amount of texting is going to change her behaviour.

The best thing you can do right now is to go NC. Even if she is calling you, do not answer, it is for your own and her health.  

[cosmonaut]

Well, it's good to hear that you won't be contacting her anymore.  Frankly, these texts are disturbing.  This is not at all healthy behavior.  In just the first twenty lines or so of your texts you are controlling, demanding, manipulating, and invalidating.  Why would you expect anyone to respond positively to this?  Would anyone, irregardless of a personality disorder, want to talk to someone who is treating them like this?  I think this is a critical time to do some soul searching and reflecting.  Let's put the focus on you.

[GoingBack2OC]

Well, it's good to hear that you won't be contacting her anymore.  Frankly, these texts are disturbing.  This is not at all healthy behavior.  In just the first twenty lines or so of your texts you are controlling, demanding, manipulating, and invalidating.  Why would you expect anyone to respond positively to this?  Would anyone, irregardless of a personality disorder, want to talk to someone who is treating them like this?  I think this is a critical time to do some soul searching and reflecting.  Let's put the focus on you.

Well I think it's fair to say your comments have already been shared by other forum readers; to which I've replied, yea, I think I'm honestly behaving out of what I would have ever done so before this relationship. I recognize it's not me (in the sense of not me - who i am as a person - i dont do these types of things- but I have started). I can see that I myself need to break away; because in all my life I have never had any sort of conversation with anyone like the one I posted - except her.

But then again; I also don't think I've ever been told to my face "I hate you", which she did literally 100s of times over the course of 5 years. I think she's the only person in the world who's ever said that, at least to my face. It's an odd thing to hear. Especially when the day before she was telling you how much she loved you and could never live without you.

Did it make me a bit crazy? Yea, in some ways I think it rubbed off. I'm seeing a therapist. She refused to do so at my suggestion. I'm the one with the problem. (According to her)

Deciding to break away for a little vacation. I'll be away from the computer for about 2 weeks. I'm litterally jumping a plane in a few hours. I need to honestly escape this situation, area, everything, and clear my head. Warmer weather will be nice as well. I just need a break.

[GoingBack2OC]

But sometimes, I feel like I'm the BPD, because I do call and call and call. But it's because she wont answer, and I do care. Sigh... .       

Hi GoingBack2OC,

In response to your question let me throw out a couple of thoughts for you to mull over.   I am going to include a link to a workshop on this site for you to read more if you are interested.

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?


This is from that workshop:

Getting a basic understanding of personality disorders (and mood disorders, and anxiety disorders) greatly helped me understand the difficult relationship I was in.  It sent me on a journey that helped me see that our problems had roots in issues that long preceded our relationship. 

And, still later I realized that I too, had some baggage to work on.  I now have, hopefully, greater self-awareness and a more mature understanding of relationships.   It all took time to understand. A lot of time.

Why was it so hard to understand if some one has this disorder?

The diagnostic process is complex. First the person has to qualify as have sufficient impairment to be considered a personality disorder (there are 5 point scales for this).  They they have to qualify for a type (there are 5 point scales for this, too.)

Many of the symptoms for BPD and other personality disorders are the also seen in depression, bipolar disorder and other mood disorders, anxiety disorders (e.g., PSTD), substance abuse, and even Aspergers syndrome.

To be a personality disorder, symptoms have been present for an extended period of time, are inflexible and pervasive, and are not a result of alcohol or drugs or another psychiatric disorder - - the history of symptoms can be traced back to adolescence or at least early adulthood - - the symptoms have caused and continue to cause significant distress or negative consequences in different aspects of the person's life.



Analyzing a relationship conflict when you are one of the involved parties is tough. Everything you see is through the eyes your own biases (and lack of professional training is challenging). It's much easier to see dysfunction in others and harder to see our own or how we are contributing to the overall dynamics.  If the relationship conflict is driving us to do things we don't normally do - how much of that is happening of the other side.

It's a journey of discovery... .every answer tends to open another door to more questions

.

what you experienced in your text exchange was a circular argument.   they are difficult to deal with and take some very specific tools and skills that most of us don't come equipped with.  most of us have had them.   I know I certainly have been locked into arguments that go round and round and make no sense.  it's part of the disorder.

'ducks

This is really great - truly. Thank you. I will look into this. This is precisely what had been going on for so long, yet I didnt have a "term" for it.

For instance my texts; some have noted seem agressive. But honestly; what I'm "demanding" is for the madness to stop. Like trying every angle to "communicate".  She will spend days, weeks sometimes, avoiding the issue, and me. Driving me mad. It's incredibly upsetting, when all I want to do is "talk about it face to face or on the phone".

She hide's behind the "text". Will communicate via text here and there, and then just poof... .she's gone.

So I know I seem agressive, but if you read the texts; what I am pleading for, is it to stop. I even say "can we please just talk... .I will then leave you alone".

Its like I just wanted to "talk to her" to explain why it's just plain mad.

The day before this text fight... .I said I can't be her friend... .I'll always care for her, but she dumped me, it's not healthy, I can't be her friend.

Her response?  "But then who will I talk to".

Thank you again. I will read up on this.

[flourdust]

I'm really glad to hear you're taking a break. That sounds like a wonderful idea. Enjoy it!

For instance my texts; some have noted seem agressive. But honestly; what I'm "demanding" is for the madness to stop. Like trying every angle to "communicate".  She will spend days, weeks sometimes, avoiding the issue, and me. Driving me mad. It's incredibly upsetting, when all I want to do is "talk about it face to face or on the phone".

She hide's behind the "text". Will communicate via text here and there, and then just poof... .she's gone.

So I know I seem agressive, but if you read the texts; what I am pleading for, is it to stop. I even say "can we please just talk... .I will then leave you alone".

To be really clear, what you're saying is "Give me what I want (a talk) and I'll stop abusing you."

This isn't healthy. It isn't justifiable. It may have been triggered by the crazymaking behavior of your ex, and that's understandable to a point -- but it's still up to you to recognize that your behaviors were out of line and to control them.

[GoingBack2OC]

I'm really glad to hear you're taking a break. That sounds like a wonderful idea. Enjoy it!

For instance my texts; some have noted seem agressive. But honestly; what I'm "demanding" is for the madness to stop. Like trying every angle to "communicate".  She will spend days, weeks sometimes, avoiding the issue, and me. Driving me mad. It's incredibly upsetting, when all I want to do is "talk about it face to face or on the phone".

She hide's behind the "text". Will communicate via text here and there, and then just poof... .she's gone.

So I know I seem agressive, but if you read the texts; what I am pleading for, is it to stop. I even say "can we please just talk... .I will then leave you alone".

To be really clear, what you're saying is "Give me what I want (a talk) and I'll stop abusing you."

This isn't healthy. It isn't justifiable. It may have been triggered by the crazymaking behavior of your ex, and that's understandable to a point -- but it's still up to you to recognize that your behaviors were out of line and to control them.

As I have also stated; in defense, is that I am fearful.  She only avoids me when I "want to talk". Now that I am going NC. She will start calling me. Leaving crying sobbing messages.

I'm tired of this cycle. I've told her that. It's not right. I've never experienced such a thing. Im no professional, but I'll say if I have a problem with someone or if someone has a problem with me- then lets talk and work it out.

So call it abuse. I call it defense. I know whats going to happen. Soon... .my phone will ring.

[babyducks]

GoingBack2OC

great that you are seeing a therapist.  I also went and saw a therapist and found it to be very helpful.  learned a lot about myself.

most of us get stuck in the cycle of conflict or circular arguments  (which ever you want to call it) where we talk louder or try harder to make our point of heard.   the posters up stream are 100% correct.  it is most definitely toxic.  and it is on us to stop trying to put out the fire with gasoline.   I know for a while I had developed a pattern of  justifying my "bad acts"  based on her "bad acts" and that only creates a toxic cycle.

you are right in what you said too, this isn't healthy.   it's good to understand that.   and like the quote in blue says it take some time to unpack our own baggage and work for a more mature understanding of relationships.


enjoy your vacation.  we will be here when you return.

'ducks

[cosmonaut]

Well I think it's fair to say your comments have already been shared by other forum readers; to which I've replied, yea, I think I'm honestly behaving out of what I would have ever done so before this relationship. I recognize it's not me (in the sense of not me - who i am as a person - i dont do these types of things- but I have started). I can see that I myself need to break away; because in all my life I have never had any sort of conversation with anyone like the one I posted - except her.

But then again; I also don't think I've ever been told to my face "I hate you", which she did literally 100s of times over the course of 5 years. I think she's the only person in the world who's ever said that, at least to my face. It's an odd thing to hear. Especially when the day before she was telling you how much she loved you and could never live without you.

Did it make me a bit crazy? Yea, in some ways I think it rubbed off. I'm seeing a therapist. She refused to do so at my suggestion. I'm the one with the problem. (According to her)

Deciding to break away for a little vacation. I'll be away from the computer for about 2 weeks. I'm litterally jumping a plane in a few hours. I need to honestly escape this situation, area, everything, and clear my head. Warmer weather will be nice as well. I just need a break.

Sounds like a break might be a good idea.  Working on ourselves is hard work, and sometimes we do need to take a step back for a bit.  It's hard to hear that we're doing something wrong, especially when we want to be validated that we are the victim.  But validating bad behavior doesn't do anyone any good.  When you get back, let's pick up where we left off.  We can dig deeper than saying it was her fault and she made me do it.  There's deeper issues at work here.  Let's get at them.  That's how we grow.

[GoingBack2OC]

Well I think it's fair to say your comments have already been shared by other forum readers; to which I've replied, yea, I think I'm honestly behaving out of what I would have ever done so before this relationship. I recognize it's not me (in the sense of not me - who i am as a person - i dont do these types of things- but I have started). I can see that I myself need to break away; because in all my life I have never had any sort of conversation with anyone like the one I posted - except her.

But then again; I also don't think I've ever been told to my face "I hate you", which she did literally 100s of times over the course of 5 years. I think she's the only person in the world who's ever said that, at least to my face. It's an odd thing to hear. Especially when the day before she was telling you how much she loved you and could never live without you.

Did it make me a bit crazy? Yea, in some ways I think it rubbed off. I'm seeing a therapist. She refused to do so at my suggestion. I'm the one with the problem. (According to her)

Deciding to break away for a little vacation. I'll be away from the computer for about 2 weeks. I'm litterally jumping a plane in a few hours. I need to honestly escape this situation, area, everything, and clear my head. Warmer weather will be nice as well. I just need a break.

Sounds like a break might be a good idea.  Working on ourselves is hard work, and sometimes we do need to take a step back for a bit.  It's hard to hear that we're doing something wrong, especially when we want to be validated that we are the victim.  But validating bad behavior doesn't do anyone any good.  When you get back, let's pick up where we left off.  We can dig deeper than saying it was her fault and she made me do it.  There's deeper issues at work here.  Let's get at them.  That's how we grow.

Thanks everyone.

I just want to say in closing; Im not using her as the excuse for how Ive acted. I know I'm ultimately in control of my actions. I take responsibility. It is really hard however, when to be honest; the person changed. Our first year was amazing. I fell in love. Like really in love. Then things began to shift. And it took me years to even realize I was entering into a toxic cycle, where I was desperatly trying to get "back" to where we were.

I've had only healthy relationships in my life. Never argued like this before. With anyone, romantic partner, friend, or family. So I had no experience and I didnt know why this was happening. I had never even heard the term BPD until this past year. And I'm in my mid 30s.

I do take responsibility. Its tough. I know I have work to do. I know ultimately her/us is not healthy for "me". Regardless of fault. "We" dont work.

[babyducks]

As I have also stated; in defense, is that I am fearful.  She only avoids me when I "want to talk". Now that I am going NC. She will start calling me. Leaving crying sobbing messages.

I'm tired of this cycle. I've told her that. It's not right. I've never experienced such a thing. Im no professional, but I'll say if I have a problem with someone or if someone has a problem with me- then lets talk and work it out.

So call it abuse. I call it defense. I know whats going to happen. Soon... .my phone will ring.

GoingBack2OC,

We get it.  Since you are the one here, you are the one who gets to break this cycle.   Congratulations, you are going to get better.      You've identified that this isn't healthy and you are working towards making changes.

You can get off this roller coaster.

'ducks   

[Skip]

Stop shooting yourself in the foot.

If you want her back - this is the worst thing to do.

If you want to be heard - this is the worst thing to do.

If you want to detach - this is the worst thing to do.

My advice?  

1. Take every photo and video off the Internet.  Sent her this text.  You're right. I took the photos down. I was wrong.

2. If you want her back, pick the right board. If you want to detach, pick the right board.  

3. Plan to send your next text no sooner than 2 weeks after Valentine's Day.

Before you can make anything better, you have to stop making it worse.

This things needs space that emotions can cool and before you start that, give her what she wants... .let things rest with that seed in the ground (I'm a big enough guy to admit when I'm wrong).