Combatting Division

[TearsOfAMom]

My adult daughter has successfully driven a wedge between her father/my husband and all his family on his side of the family. After cutting off all communication for 5 years with my side of the family she is now starting to call, FB friend, reach out to my family members. She has NOT made contact with us, her parents. Her smear campaign is well acted but total lies. Is there anything I can or should do to try to help keep the same thing from happening again with my side of the family? How do you deal with uninformed relatives who don't ask us about her but say things like "She looks fine on facebook" who just want to believe everything is fine. Thanks... .it is like watching a slow motion train wreck powerless, voiceless.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Butterflygirl]

Borderlines can be really mean. My son can cut to the core. I have to remind myself that the best I can do in damage control. First I remind myself that he has a disorder and he is constantly trying to get attention and avoid rejection which feels like abandonment to him when in the thralls of age regression.

The coldness can be narcissist tendencies which many Borderline have. I have learned to stand up for myself and constantly say like a mantra: consider the source.

I am not excusing your child. Do what you can to improve your situation and take care of yourself. Bring your resentments to us as when it comes to your child that would be throwing gasoline on to the fire. I realized, of course, that this is unfair.

I answered you post not because I have any answers for you. I will leave that to the staff members. I just want you to know you are not alone.

[SoSoSoTired]

You need to immediately inform your uninformed relatives about your daughter's pathologic behavior.  Included all the terrible details before she starts a smear campaign.  Explain how her lies drove a wedge between your husband and his family and that you worry she'll try to do the same with your side of the family.  When/if she starts a smear campaign, your family will be able to identify her manipulative behaviors.

[lbjnltx]

Your daughter is looking for people to help support her feelings of being wronged/victimized... .she is looking for validation of her feelings.  To her, feelings equal facts.

The best position is one of compassion and neutrality. Those who know you well and have true care and concern for you and your daughter will come to you and ask about the things she says... .this will be your opportunity to   express your love and concern for your daughter while not participating in a smear campaign against her.

Statements like "She is in a great deal of distress, she could use your support and compassion." "I'm sorry to hear that she feels that way. I want her to be happy" and if they ask what is wrong with her... ."She has intense emotions and needs to be heard and understood just like you and I do."

Being the voice of compassion and not triangulating has the best chance of dampening the fire.  Responding with anger, making excuses for yourself, engaging in conversations about who is right and who is wrong will only fuel the fire and keep it going. 

lbjnltx

[SoSoSoTired]

I respectfully disagree with the above the opinion.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  If your daughter told manipulative lies to damage the relationship between with your husband's relative, she'll likely do the same with your relatives.

Sunlight is an excellent disinfectant.  It can eliminate current infections and infections in situ. Bringing in the "sunlight" (the truth) about your daughter's past behaviors is not a smear campaign.  The truth is the truth.  

By not telling your relatives the truth (when you know your daughter's past history and see actions that she is going to repeat the same unhealthy behavior), you an enabler.   By not telling them the truth, you are enabling your daughter to wreak more chaos and destruction.  You can empathetically explain that her behaviors are part of her psychiatric disorder, so your relatives can also be empathetic with her, but escape her chaos and manipulation.

If your daughter had a history of being an home-destroying arsonist, would you gloss over horrible fact and not immediately warn your relatives? No.  Tell the truth now to your relatives, so they can protect themselves.

Your feelings and family relationships are just as important as your daughter's feelings and relationships. Your relatives' feelings and relationships are just as important as your daughter's.

[SoSoSoTired]

Imposed isolation: tactics used by domestic abusers to cut their victims off from family and friends.

[Turkish]

Stepping into a drama triangle (or triangles) will likely fuel your daughter's disordered thinking, feeding into the drama, and bolstering her stance as a victim with you and your H as persecutors. That your relatives have said "she looks fine in Facebook" indicates that you have already attempted to defend yourselves or explain her behaviors, and they don't  believe it, no?

[TearsOfAMom]

Thank you all for your insight and wisdom. I warned my husband's family that she would try to drive a wedge between us... .and they still let it happen. I warned them that she would be arrested because sooner or later a life of crime catches up with you... .and then that happened too. It is truly unbelievable... .but some people believe what they want to despite proof to the contrary. Then there are the people who say gee why would my husband's family turn against us unless we did horrible things? I guess since we told his family and it did not help I am conflicted about starting the conversation with those who do not ask about her. She has cousins who have asked their parents if she is dead... .she has been away for so long and no one talks about her. My parents know the whole story and have been supportive, so is my sister. My brother's have never talked to me about her. My sister in laws like everything she posts on FB. This was one of the people who said she looks fine on FB. She not once asked us about her. We have not said anything about our daughter to them, though my parents must have as they told me about the FB comment. It is all a test by our smart daughter to see who believes what she posts. It is a game... .her lying has always been a game to see who she can convince. The feelings equal facts line is so good. I will remember that... .such a good quote!

It is so good to be able to talk with you all about this. Just waiting for the next incident is so nerve wracking and I want to feel more prepared. The narcissist comments are very applicable to our daughter too... .good point.

Have any of you been physically hurt by your BPD? Mine broke a bone so I do not want to be alone with her again for my own safety. I keep a baseball bat handy for my protection in case of a surprise visit. It is just so horrible the things she has done and the excellent acting job she does makes it very hard to believe she did these things. But I have the photos, xrays, mug shot, documentation to prove it all. I went to alanon and liked the "you are only as sick as your secrets" slogan they use. This girl is so very sick and has so many secrets. It is so sad.

Thanks you all for listening and sharing. You have given me a lot to think about.

[SoSoSoTired]

Yes, my daughter has hit me, thrown objects at me, and shoved me.   My husband and I got concealed carry permits in November because we are terrified of her.  We use our home alarm system 24/7.  We have a Glock under our bed.  I have a Remington R51 under the driver’s seat of my car.

[TearsOfAMom]

Dear SoSoSoTired... .it is so bad for our health to be on alert 24/7. No wonder you are sososotired! My hat's off to you as you do your best to protect yourselves.When you have a child, this situation we are in sure never crosses your mind. I changed the locks on our house as she had a key. Being attacked by your child is a horror, isn't it? I have horrible nightmares. Hang in there SoSoSoTired. My heart goes out to you. Thanks for sharing. I have never talked to anyone else who had been through this.

[Skip]

My husband and I got concealed carry permits in November because we are terrified of her.  We use our home alarm system 24/7.  We have a Glock under our bed.  I have a Remington R51 under the driver’s seat of my car.   

Can you explain a little more on how this will help the OP deal with relatives who don't understand that her daughter is smearing them?

This would really be extreme for members in general - unless, of course, if you are in a life threatening situation (e.g., threats from a gang member, drug dealing boyfriend, etc.)... .

What did your daughter do?  Can you start a your own thread thread on this subject?

Is there anything I can or should do to try to help keep the same thing from happening again with my side of the family? How do you deal with uninformed relatives who don't ask us about her but say things like "She looks fine on facebook" who just want to believe everything is fine. Thanks... .it is like watching a slow motion train wreck powerless, voiceless.

We have a video (made for another purpose) located here - does it explain it enough for your situation? I'm asking because we should have (or may need to develop) something for this purpose.

What do you actually want them to absorb/learn?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[TearsOfAMom]

I watched the video, though I could not get any sound on it. It is all good information... .mirrors much of the reading I have done. It does not give me any new ideas of how to deal with my adult daughter when and if she pops back into our lives. She is talking to relatives who we see all the time, but not talking to us. These relatives haven't all told us about her reaching out to them. Our D is asking them to invite her to social events that we will be at. We never stayed away from these people... .she stayed away from and did not talk, text, message us and the entire side of my family for over 5 years. I have remained the same with all my family, though only certain members have asked about our D after she very publicly slandered us with horrific lies... .in an effort no doubt for sympathy after she broke a bone of mine with her attack. The violence was a real shocker as this girl was never even spanked as a child. I worry too that younger cousins will be damaged by her bad influence... .like kids of the parents who said "she looks fine on FB" She is an excellent actress... .she fooled us too for a while.

[lbjnltx]

It does not give me any new ideas of how to deal with my adult daughter when and if she pops back into our lives. She is talking to relatives who we see all the time, but not talking to us. These relatives haven't all told us about her reaching out to them. Our D is asking them to invite her to social events that we will be at.

Are you looking for ways to communicate more affectively with your daughter? or just ways to be in her presence without conflict?

The Tools to the right are a great start to learn both.------>

The info on triangulation that I spoke of and Turkish also described can give you a more specific description of how it works, how to be neutral, and how to move from one position on the triangle to another... .

lbj