BPD, Noise and Sensory Overstimulation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Formflier's thread about his wife's loud late night TV use reminded me of my BPD mother who needed to sleep with talk radio blaring. And also my husband, who can't seem to tolerate a quiet room and must turn on music, radio or TV, as he simultaneously uses his computer and/or reads a book. As babyducks said, Where you and I hear quiet and serenity, pwBPD hear emptiness and void.

I'm a single-tasker and it's near impossible for me to concentrate on a conversation with a TV show or news radio playing in the background. I like some music, but I'd prefer silence most of the time. There are a few shows I enjoy watching on TV, but most of the time I'd rather not watch it just to pass the time.

Needless to say, my husband and I are quite different. Fortunately I had lived by myself for a number of years before we added on to the small house I built so we could live together. I insisted that he build himself a separate studio and I'm so grateful I did. Also I refused to have a TV in the main house, so the TV is in his man cave. I don't think our marriage would have survived if I'd had to listen to sports and loud movies 24/7.

I'm now realizing that the sensory overstimulation that I'm ultra sensitive to, is exactly what my BPD husband needs to regulate his moods or distract himself from his internal hell. (Frequently he will loudly spew an expletive, like "F***!" Nowadays I no longer jump out of my skin and ask him what's wrong, but nevertheless, it disturbs me from my quiet reverie. In the past when I did ask him, he'd sometimes say, "Oh, nothing" or in his more honest moments, "I was beating myself up for something." So I think this habit of creating external noise is what keeps him from attending to his internal noise and chaos.

This also seems to apply to books and magazines. I've never seen anyone who has more magazine subscriptions. He must have about 20 different magazines that appear monthly. And his book collection--I'm not exaggerating when I say that he has over 2000 books on Buddhism. He's constantly reading something. Recently he finished a book about the Roman Empire and now he's on a very complex book about Egyptian hieroglyphics.

I barely can get through reading one New Yorker a month, even though I find them interesting and entertaining; I just don't seem to have time to read magazines. Likewise with books: I will start a few and abandon them and occasionally finish one. In comparison to my husband, I used to think there was something wrong with me, but then I realized that I spend a lot of time outdoors doing things and when I read, it's often an online article to learn how to fix an agricultural sprayer or how to take apart a doorknob.

I guess the biggest difference is that I enjoy being with my own thoughts and find my internal life very entertaining. I often have an inner conversation with different parts where I comfort myself, confront myself in a very kind and supportive way, mull over ideas, remind myself to do things in a friendly way, joke and laugh to myself. (This sounds a bit nutty, but it works for me.) All in all, I am friends with myself and that is something I had to work to achieve; I too, was formerly very critical and nasty to myself and I'm very grateful I no longer think that way--and therapy had a lot to do with that change.

To have more compassion for my husband, I need to remember that he creates an internal hell that he tries to escape through sensory overload. He has had a history of numbing himself through alcohol abuse, but as he was recently diagnosed with high blood pressure, that is not an available avenue for him anymore. So far, he's following doctor's orders and I imagine he's also detoxing. I've seen him sneak a few glasses of wine, but I do think he's trying. I feel sorry that his internal world is so chaotic and unpleasant, but as I've learned here, not my monkeys, not my circus.

[Cat Familiar]

Formflier's thread about his wife's loud late night TV use reminded me of my BPD mother who needed to sleep with talk radio blaring. And also my husband, who can't seem to tolerate a quiet room and must turn on music, radio or TV, as he simultaneously uses his computer and/or reads a book. As babyducks said, Where you and I hear quiet and serenity, pwBPD hear emptiness and void.

I'm a single-tasker and it's near impossible for me to concentrate on a conversation with a TV show or news radio playing in the background. I like some music, but I'd prefer silence most of the time. There are a few shows I enjoy watching on TV, but most of the time I'd rather not watch it just to pass the time.

Needless to say, my husband and I are quite different. Fortunately I had lived by myself for a number of years before we added on to the small house I built so we could live together. I insisted that he build himself a separate studio and I'm so grateful I did. Also I refused to have a TV in the main house, so the TV is in his man cave. I don't think our marriage would have survived if I'd had to listen to sports and loud movies 24/7.

I'm now realizing that the sensory overstimulation that I'm ultra sensitive to, is exactly what my BPD husband needs to regulate his moods or distract himself from his internal hell. (Frequently he will loudly spew an expletive, like "F***!" Nowadays I no longer jump out of my skin and ask him what's wrong, but nevertheless, it disturbs me from my quiet reverie. In the past when I did ask him, he'd sometimes say, "Oh, nothing" or in his more honest moments, "I was beating myself up for something." So I think this habit of creating external noise is what keeps him from attending to his internal noise and chaos.

This also seems to apply to books and magazines. I've never seen anyone who has more magazine subscriptions. He must have about 20 different magazines that appear monthly. And his book collection--I'm not exaggerating when I say that he has over 2000 books on Buddhism. He's constantly reading something. Recently he finished a book about the Roman Empire and now he's on a very complex book about Egyptian hieroglyphics.

I barely can get through reading one New Yorker a month, even though I find them interesting and entertaining; I just don't seem to have time to read magazines. Likewise with books: I will start a few and abandon them and occasionally finish one. In comparison to my husband, I used to think there was something wrong with me, but then I realized that I spend a lot of time outdoors doing things and when I read, it's often an online article to learn how to fix an agricultural sprayer or how to take apart a doorknob.

I guess the biggest difference is that I enjoy being with my own thoughts and find my internal life very entertaining. I often have an inner conversation with different parts where I comfort myself, confront myself in a very kind and supportive way, mull over ideas, remind myself to do things in a friendly way, joke and laugh to myself. (This sounds a bit nutty, but it works for me.) All in all, I am friends with myself and that is something I had to work to achieve; I too, was formerly very critical and nasty to myself and I'm very grateful I no longer think that way--and therapy had a lot to do with that change.

To have more compassion for my husband, I need to remember that he creates an internal hell that he tries to escape through sensory overload. He has had a history of numbing himself through alcohol abuse, but as he was recently diagnosed with high blood pressure, that is not an available avenue for him anymore. So far, he's following doctor's orders and I imagine he's also detoxing. I've seen him sneak a few glasses of wine, but I do think he's trying. I feel sorry that his internal world is so chaotic and unpleasant, but as I've learned here, not my monkeys, not my circus.

[Chilibean13]

I've never considered this before but it makes sense. I am super sensitive to overstimulation. Loud noises, crowded places, strong smells cause me to have a strong emotional reaction. Sometimes a trip to Walmart can leave me stressed for hours.

My H is the opposite. He moves constantly. He talks constantly. When he listens to music it is loud. I used to try to get him to sit down and remain quiet but instead of enjoying the silence, he would fall asleep. It's like as soon as he quits moving, he is unable to stay focused. My H often overstimulates me just by his costant need for sound. I'm constantly asking him to turn his music down.

Over the last few months we have been trying to read together in the evening. He says he likes the way reading quietly makes him feel but getting him to actually sit down to do it is like asking a toddler to voluntarily go to bed. He fights it. He fidgits for awhile. He goes to the bathroom. He gets up and walks around and then finally he reads, for about 15 minutes.

Like you I learned to like who I was. I used to hate myself and thought I was a worthless person, but I learned that I'm pretty cool to hang out with and since I'm pretty cool, I like to spend time with myself. I comfort myself. I come up with solutions on my own. I think about my day and my own inner feelings.

[Jessica84]

Cat - your h finishes books?   Mine just buys them. He has stacks and stacks of unread books everywhere! Weirdest thing for me is to see his empty bookshelves, and stacks of books on the floor right next to them. And they're in every room, on top of the toilet, kitchen counter, living room and bedroom. His bedroom is wall to wall. Mentally, I am rearranging them all neatly on the shelves.

He doesn't care for noise like that though - mutes the TV when he gets a call. Kind of annoying if I was watching something! Not only do I miss the program, I have to hear his whole conversation.

[flourdust]

To have more compassion for my husband, I need to remember that he creates an internal hell that he tries to escape through sensory overload.

Wow.

My wife always has the TV on. But she doesn't pay attention to it. Instead, she's playing mindless games on her phone. I stopped buying her books a while back, because she never reads them. She has magazines that she very very slowly gets through. Our DVR is full of her shows and movies ... .some going back more than a year ... .that she never watches, even though the TV is always on (usually playing some cooking competition show).

She says that she needs all this stimulation to keep the voices in her head at bay.

[TheRealJongoBong]

The same thing goes on with my wife, just not with the TV. She listens constantly to Course in Miracles stuff on the computer, and is especially attentative to the word-salad guys on Youtube who can talk for hours and say virtually nothing. I often thought it was so she couldn't hear the voices but never got confirmation and she would never admit to it. She is definitely into sensory overload, buys lots of self help books and rarely finishes any of them. She finds it very difficult to just relax and sit down, she always has to be doing something.

I'm pretty much the exact opposite. I read the book "The highly sensitive person" and was amazed by how much I could identify with it. I can sit for hours watching the birds fly around and the wind blow. I guess it takes all kinds.

[Cat Familiar]

Interesting that Chilebean, Jongo and I all seem to fall into the "highly sensitive" category and yet, we're paired with overstimulated BPD partners.

My husband also has the characteristic of being antsy and it is a crisis if he has to wait in a long line. Often he will leave a grocery store rather than wait behind ten people.

I've cracked open some of his Buddhism books and to me, they read like word salad. Of course the other explanation is that they're only for the more evolved sorts and not for the eyes of some iconoclastic heathen such as me.

Jessica, I'm not sure if my husband actually "reads" books or just "reads them like a lawyer," skimming through them and just reading the stuff that interests him. However, I am surprised when I actually do read a Harpers or a New Yorker and if I ask him if he's read a particular article, he's almost always read it and remembers it with greater detail than I do. Speed reading is his forte.

[Notwendy]

Interesting ideas. It's a bit of a mix with us. I am more social than my H, but in actuality, I am a social introvert. I am fine being by myself in the house, and I enjoy talking to friends. My H is quiet, and dislikes conversation. To get this need met, I  call a female friend or a sibling to chat.

My H could go all day not talking to me ( or anyone) and that makes it awkward. He speaks quite fluently at work and with acquaintances, but something like a heart to heart talk - I think he'd rather have pins under his nails than do that. If he does talk, it is over politics or something like that.

So, for me it would be silence is fine but sitting next to someone who doesn't talk for a long period of time can feel irritating to me.

I get sensory overloaded too. Loud noises bother me. I am easily entertained.

My H on the other hand, is not easily entertained and seems to crave stimulating activities. He doesn't like to be alone in the house. He might ignore me if I am there, but he doesn't like it when I am not. If I go out in the evenings, even if the kids are fine, he doesn't like it- even if he is busy with his own things.

Yes, he also has a ton of books and magazines in piles. Way too many to read and to fit in our house, but I had to get past that one a long time ago.

We don't have in issue with the TV blaring. Neither of us like it too much.

[Cat Familiar]

I get sensory overloaded too. Loud noises bother me. I am easily entertained.

My husband loves going to see music and especially likes guitarists who play fast riffs. For me, this is like torture, both the volume and the noodling on the guitar. I like certain music, but some jazz that's really cerebral is likely to give me a headache and the same with jam bands that get into these endless loops that go on forever. But he loves it. Somehow it must pace what's going on in his mind.

[Notwendy]

That would make me crazy.

When my H's family gets together, they sometimes like to jokingly "jab" at each other. It's a large family so there can be constant jabbing and laughing. Eventually, I would wander off somewhere and read. My H interpreted that as being rude, but I could only take so much of this.

[babyducks]

Put me down as a me too.

My partner requires a tremendous amount of external stimulus.   Usually at a loud volume and a fast rate.   Once a long time ago she said to me that I quiet her in places that never really rest.  And I understand that I do act as a ground for her.  I also know that for her 30 minutes of quiet is a very long time.   It's a funny trade off,  she can energize me (some ) and I can help center her (some) but we have to beware of taking that to extremes.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Of course the other explanation is that they're only for the more evolved sorts and not for the eyes of some iconoclastic heathen such as me.

:)That's me too. I don't get it because I'm not enlightened. And unconscious, I apparently do all kinds of horrible things because I'm unconscious.

[TheRealJongoBong]

My H could go all day not talking to me ( or anyone) and that makes it awkward.

I guess this one bothers me. I'm in the same boat and could go all day not talking to my wife. it's not because I don't intrinsically want to, it's mostly because there's no point. You see, if someone is talking there should be someone who listens, and my wife doesn't listen very well. If I say I feel something or know something it's generally "No, you don't. It's this way... ." If I'm not heard why should I even bother?

I've talked to her about this, both alone and in MC. There's always intellectual agreement but in practice there's no follow through. Someone else wrote this statement in this forum which I've been reading every day:

Our relationship has always been about her. What makes her feel safe and secure and whatever cost. There is no compromise. Only her way.

[Cat Familiar]

Well, establishing a boundary really does work. My husband bought tickets for one of those loud guitar-driven shows and didn't think to ask me if I wanted to go! Yay!

In the past, he would be all whiney about me not wanting to do the things he likes. Now, he just does them by himself or with friends who share his enjoyment.

I don't try to drag him to horse shows, so I guess he finally realized that I'm as uninterested in some of his activities as he is in mine.

[ColdEthyl]

This is all very curious. My husband is an avid reader... .and he reads complex materials as well. I have to have quiet and I mean total silence when I am going to sleep, and he can fall asleep within seconds even if a freight train was going through the house.

"To have more compassion for my husband, I need to remember that he creates an internal hell that he tries to escape through sensory overload. He has had a history of numbing himself through alcohol abuse, but as he was recently diagnosed with high blood pressure, that is not an available avenue for him anymore. So far, he's following doctor's orders and I imagine he's also detoxing. I've seen him sneak a few glasses of wine, but I do think he's trying. I feel sorry that his internal world is so chaotic and unpleasant, but as I've learned here, not my monkeys, not my circus."

That internal hell... .I really forget at times how difficult he makes things for himself in his own head. I was explaining to my brother just this morning that  in order for him to be the 'good guy'... .he needs to have a 'bad guy', that's why he will get upset at some of the things we consider silly.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's health... .though it sounds like it might be a blessing in disguise. I'm glad to hear he's trying!

[Notwendy]

Jongobong- are you my husband?

Actually, I need to pay attention to what you say, because I tend to chatter when I am talking to someone and they don't talk back. My H might say I talk too much.

[Jessica84]

That internal hell... .I really forget at times how difficult he makes things for himself in his own head. I was explaining to my brother just this morning that  in order for him to be the 'good guy'... .he needs to have a 'bad guy', that's why he will get upset at some of the things we consider silly.

Aha This just explained that victim-persecutor triangle in a way I can finally understand! My bf often says he hates being the "bad guy" (in our r/s). Explains the attraction to his exes who were mean and abusive. Really mean, really abusive. I'm like an alien to him. He can't understand why I don't abuse him, even after 6 years. Explains why he's always waiting for me to get mad (or pushing me to). He tries to blame/project, but he can't make it stick. I'm not violent or controlling, I listen, I don't scream or make demands... .It just now occurred to me that maybe he liked being abused. That made the other person the "bad guy" which made him the "good guy". In our r/s I wonder if he sees himself as the persecutor (bad guy) and me as the victim (good guy)? I'm going to go re-read that triangle thing now... .thanks for the clarification!

[Cat Familiar]

I realize how much I need peace and quiet. That's why I live in a rural area. Of course, then I marry a city boy who needs radios, TV, loud stereo system. I get up before sunrise so I can sit quietly with my coffee and enjoy the peacefulness. Lately, now that my husband isn't drinking like he previously did, he will also get up early and the background noise begins. I think it's not just external noise that I'm sensitive to--it's also the wound-up energy he brings with him into the room. Just typing that, I feel my anxiety rising.

This is something I addressed in counseling last night. I'm going to observe my state of anxiety, allow it to be whatever it is, and then do something that makes me feel better. Yesterday, when I let the goats and sheep out to browse, I spent some time hugging the Nigerian Dwarf goats. They're hilarious little beings and they so enjoy a back scratch and are so loving. Just taking a few minutes to love them up really started off my day in a good direction.

[Jessica84]

Animals are a big stress relief. They give us unconditional love. Some studies show they actually lower blood pressure. I live in a big city, so no dwarf goats for me. Sounds like you have a lot of maintenance with all those animals, but how nice it must be to have such cuddly friends to turn to when you need a break! 

[ColdEthyl]

That internal hell... .I really forget at times how difficult he makes things for himself in his own head. I was explaining to my brother just this morning that  in order for him to be the 'good guy'... .he needs to have a 'bad guy', that's why he will get upset at some of the things we consider silly.

Aha This just explained that victim-persecutor triangle in a way I can finally understand! My bf often says he hates being the "bad guy" (in our r/s). Explains the attraction to his exes who were mean and abusive. Really mean, really abusive. I'm like an alien to him. He can't understand why I don't abuse him, even after 6 years. Explains why he's always waiting for me to get mad (or pushing me to). He tries to blame/project, but he can't make it stick. I'm not violent or controlling, I listen, I don't scream or make demands... .It just now occurred to me that maybe he liked being abused. That made the other person the "bad guy" which made him the "good guy". In our r/s I wonder if he sees himself as the persecutor (bad guy) and me as the victim (good guy)? I'm going to go re-read that triangle thing now... .thanks for the clarification!

*nods* Honestly the thought occurred to me just this past few weeks. He's in an agitated state from a few different sources, so he's searching for something to "hand the hat" on. Most of the time, that's me or my brother. He tried to get fired up again last night, but this time I avoided it.

He reads something on the Internet... .get mad about that then turns his Manson lamps on me (his eyes ) Thanks to you guys... .I started chanting in my head "not my monkeys, not my circus. Not my monkey, not my circus" and he started in on trying to complain about an issue that'a already been validated and addressed days ago.

I let him talk, and when he stopped I just validated how he felt about it, then quickly changed the subject. "Yeah, I'm really glad you brought that up and we took care of it. Hey did you catch that article today about blahblahblah?" We ended up talking about all kinds of things for hours. In the middle of it... .he paused and said "Thank you for being understanding" then continued on.

It wasn't much... .but I'll take it <3

[Chilibean13]

*nods* Honestly the thought occurred to me just this past few weeks. He's in an agitated state from a few different sources, so he's searching for something to "hand the hat" on. Most of the time, that's me or my brother. He tried to get fired up again last night, but this time I avoided it.

My H does this too. He has a set number of topics that tend to agitate him--politics, facebook, church, work. I can always tell when he is going to dysregulate by how often he talks about these things.

[ColdEthyl]

*nods* Honestly the thought occurred to me just this past few weeks. He's in an agitated state from a few different sources, so he's searching for something to "hang the hat" on. Most of the time, that's me or my brother. He tried to get fired up again last night, but this time I avoided it.

My H does this too. He has a set number of topics that tend to agitate him--politics, facebook, church, work. I can always tell when he is going to dysregulate by how often he talks about these things.

Yep. He's like this worse in the winter, and with things going on like his dad's health failing... .I'm not surprised this time.

[Jessica84]

Winter and politics. Ick. The shorter days or the dark grey days make him extra moody. His TV is on the news 24/7. He gets CNN updates on his phone. Breaking news! People killed, chaos, destruction, natural disasters. Why do they do this to themselves?

[Cat Familiar]

His TV is on the news 24/7. He gets CNN updates on his phone. Breaking news! People killed, chaos, destruction, natural disasters. Why do they do this to themselves?

My theory is that they then know that someone somewhere else has got it worse than they do. 

[ColdEthyl]

Winter and politics. Ick. The shorter days or the dark grey days make him extra moody. His TV is on the news 24/7. He gets CNN updates on his phone. Breaking news! People killed, chaos, destruction, natural disasters. Why do they do this to themselves?

Mine is obsessed with political commenting. I think it's an escape for him. He can think about those issues and argue about them and not think about the other stuff rolling around in his head.

[babyducks]

Winter and politics. Ick. The shorter days or the dark grey days make him extra moody. His TV is on the news 24/7. He gets CNN updates on his phone. Breaking news! People killed, chaos, destruction, natural disasters. Why do they do this to themselves?

so that their external world matches their internal world.   

since their emotions and inner thoughts are often loud, chaotic, and frantic having the TV on with a bunch of external stimulation helps normalize that for them.   

it's a soothing mechanism.   perhaps maladaptive, depends I guess, on how it's being used.

I used to walk around turning down the volume, or turning off the TV in an effort to calm my partner.   mistake.   I have come to be amazed at the level of insecurity she lives with.   If she hears a news story about a train accident, well then the train down the street from us will derail tomorrow.   since she often feels fearful, at risk or in danger of abandonment she uses news stories to validate herself. 

[Jessica84]

That all makes sense. I've suggested he watch less news before... .Pre-BPD days I got yelled at for choosing to be an ignorant moron unaware of what's going on the world, as if I never watch the news. Post-BPD, he has somewhat agreed and said it is depressing to see so much misery.

I try not to suggest much these days. Even saying "Good night" recently yielded a launch of complaints of how it was NOT a good night and everything was wrong with it. "Have a good night" hasn't gone much better - how dare I tell him what kind of night to have? Now I just say "night". How can he argue that isn't nighttime? 

[ColdEthyl]

That all makes sense. I've suggested he watch less news before... .Pre-BPD days I got yelled at for choosing to be an ignorant moron unaware of what's going on the world, as if I never watch the news. Post-BPD, he has somewhat agreed and said it is depressing to see so much misery.

I try not to suggest much these days. Even saying "Good night" recently yielded a launch of complaints of how it was NOT a good night and everything was wrong with it. "Have a good night" hasn't gone much better - how dare I tell him what kind of night to have? Now I just say "night". How can he argue that isn't nighttime? 

@Jessica you poor thing. Cracking me up... .how dare you tell him what kind of night to have