Can't Get Away

[Want_an_End]

I would say my ex-husband would fit the profile of someone that could kill, and I do not think most people completely understands. The psychologists and some lawyers understand right away. But, there are some lawyers and most family and friends who do not believe he is much of a threat.

We are divorced and we have a toddler. I think he is a threat to my child and me.

There has been some light domestic violence. He has tried to choke me about 3 times throughout a 2 year relationship [but not so much where I lost breath]. He has threatened to kill me twice [but even regular folks say, "I am going to kill you" at times]. He has pushed me twice. The verbal abuse has been atrocious [however, verbal abuse is not recognized as a crime in America, is it?].

His first line of defense is, "I am a nice person who wants to see my child." Once some of his behavior is exposed, then its, "She is the same. We had a volatile relationship."

He is an extreme alcoholic, yet his tolerance is so much that he can have a high blood alcohol level, without any physical symptoms. Although, mentally, it causes him to be hate-filled within a few drinks.

He is dangerous, because:

1. Pure Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde

2. He still thinks the relationship can be salvaged. I am scared of the day, when he truly believes reconciliation will never happen.

3. I do not believe he loves his child. I am not sure that this is a purely borderline characteristic. A psychiatrist told me that borderline tends to co-exist with other disorders, and she suggested that he may be anti-social.

4. His alcohol intake does not show physically.


I am in danger, and let me tell you, even the lawyers which are sympathetic to me, say that he will be given parental rights. One lawyer went as far as to say, "Unfortunately, it isn't until something bad happens, before visitation is taken away."

I feel I am one Dateline episode away of being hurt, infamously.

He does not currently have visitation. My child and I live in a different state, but not at a long enough time for the child to be resident of this state.

Why is it that when I look at my child, I cannot shake the feeling that I may never see her grow up?

[bravhart1]

Can you ask the court to grant you a full psychological evaluation and CE before giving OP any unsupervised child time?

This would protect your child, and give you a better understanding into his true mental state. If he is as dangerous as you think, I do believe it will come through in a CE.

Do you think you  might be suffering from PTSD? Having been through DV isn't and shouldn't be seen as just an ordinary day, and you may be severely tramatized by the things that have happened. Do you see a Therapist?

[Want_an_End]

Hey Bravhart1, thanks for responding.

If , at my age, I am going through PTSD from a 2 year relationship with him, then what would a toddler go through?

But honestly, the therapists do think he's dangerous. None have recommended that I see a therapist. He just really fits the profile, you know.

He gets extraordinarily angry over nothing... .just because of liquor. Yet, he is also very manipulative.

But the anger is something not to be glossed over. You have to understand. It is completely unprovoked. It is not normal to look at your wife as if you are grown Batman and just discovered that she was the one who killed your folks when you were young. (That is literally the best analogy that comes to me.) It is like he has an "Aha" moment every time he drinks.

Parents do not want their children talking to strangers, for the fear that the stranger could be dangerous. There is no certainty that the stranger is dangerous, however.

I have a certainty. I just do not know if it would exactly result in murder or the toddler accidentally falling off a bed and breaking her neck or a DUI incident, or finally, at the very least, permanent emotional scarring with a little physical abuse here and there (slapping, shoving, etc).

When should a parent give up on protecting a child? How far should we go to saving our children? Marrying him was my mistake, how much does an innocent child have to pay?

Read this article about parental alienation: www.huffingtonpost.com/joan-dawson/parental-alienation-and-d_b_811738.html

It's not as common as some think. Parental protection is more common.

As far as the courts are concerned, supervised visitation is never off the table. With negative psych evaluations or even DUIs, it is not hard to get supervised visitations. And, he will inch his way up.

I had a neighbor who had killed his wife and himself, my ex had a close family member who had killed his wife and himself, my father had a female college professor who was killed by her husband (another college professor) who had also killed himself... .I mean, so how uncommon is this?

How many times have we heard a woman say, "Gosh, I was so afraid he would kill me, and I stayed right underneath his nose, and he did not."

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Want An End,

My heart goes out to you for the position you and your child are in.

I hope you get a response here that helps you know which direction to start on.

Many years ago I was a member of a DV group therapy group.  The life that many of these women were living was unimaginable, the resources... .well... .just not so helpful until kids were harmed 'sufficient' enough for proof.

This may be not ok to say here on this however, a couple of the women had a contact person to go 'underground' if they needed to.  The laws and resources are way different these days, however, the idea of joining a DV support group may help you have a collective support and resources not available on your own... .certainly can be invaluable.

Hopefully another will help guide you through your legal options better tho.

[Want_an_End]

Hi Sunflower,

I think "underground" sounds like something.

If he's borderline w/ addiction and antisocial, as suggested by the professional, its a hopeless and dangerous cause.

And if he's borderline w/ addiction only, there may be hope someday in the future; however, at present day, it is dangerous. Because the cure to addiction is not just stepping to an AA meeting, and "voila", he's cured. Its a lot more complicated. And from what I see, he is not even close to acceptance of the addiction.

I honestly have to say, there is just no way to look at this situation and not seem imminent harm. Too many mental illnesses at play. And on  top of that, the has paranoia and chauvinism - this feeling that women and children are not as equal as the adult male.

Hi Want An End,

My heart goes out to you for the position you and your child are in.

I hope you get a response here that helps you know which direction to start on.

Many years ago I was a member of a DV group therapy group.  The life that many of these women were living was unimaginable, the resources... .well... .just not so helpful until kids were harmed 'sufficient' enough for proof.

This may be not ok to say here on this however, a couple of the women had a contact person to go 'underground' if they needed to.  The laws and resources are way different these days, however, the idea of joining a DV support group may help you have a collective support and resources not available on your own... .certainly can be invaluable.

Hopefully another will help guide you through your legal options better tho.

[ForeverDad]

Once some of his behavior is exposed, then its, "She is the same. We had a volatile relationship."

Blame Shifting and Obfuscation.  He's trying to muddy the waters with that claim so his actions don't stand out as different from yours.  I recall what my then-separated spouse stated in court nearly a decade ago.  After listening in court to the recording of her threats and my brief call to 911, brief because she took the handset, hung up and broke it when threw it in my direction, on the stand she testified she did make those threats but added "that's how we argue".  Since judge said she didn't have a weapon in her hands, and possibly too that it was our first time in court, the judge ruled her threats were not "imminent" (case law modification of written law) and therefore dismissed the case.

When should a parent give up on protecting a child? How far should we go to saving our children? Marrying him was my mistake, how much does an innocent child have to pay?

One of my favorite responses is that we should do our reasonable best.  We can't be superman or superwoman.

[Want_an_End]

"that's how we argue." I really can see him saying that.

Yes, we can't be superhuman. But, I just do not feel good about this.

Once some of his behavior is exposed, then its, "She is the same. We had a volatile relationship."

Blame Shifting and Obfuscation.  He's trying to muddy the waters with that claim so his actions don't stand out as different from yours.  I recall what my then-separated spouse stated in court nearly a decade ago.  After listening in court to the recording of her threats and my brief call to 911, brief because she took the handset, hung up and broke it when threw it in my direction, on the stand she testified she did make those threats but added "that's how we argue".  Since judge said she didn't have a weapon in her hands, and possibly too that it was our first time in court, the judge ruled her threats were not "imminent" (case law modification of written law) and therefore dismissed the case.

When should a parent give up on protecting a child? How far should we go to saving our children? Marrying him was my mistake, how much does an innocent child have to pay?

One of my favorite responses is that we should do our reasonable best.  We can't be superman or superwoman.

[hippyrees1969]

i stayed with my partner for 7 years as i was afraid of him having our 3 young children on his own. i used communication techniques i got from 'the stop walking on eggshells handbook' by randi kreger which made life with him a lot easier. now they are teenagers, i have left him and moved to a safe place. they spend time with him but i am in constant contact with them when they are there. i don't think the BPD would actually harm the children, it's just a way of controlling you. if you try and calm him down and stabilise his mood he will lose interest. like i say, i don't think it's about the children, it's about controlling you!

[Want_an_End]

I definitely feel it is about controlling me.

I hope he loses interest.

Did your ex have any substance abuse problems? For me, its the combination of alcohol and mental instability that frightens me.

i stayed with my partner for 7 years as i was afraid of him having our 3 young children on his own. i used communication techniques i got from 'the stop walking on eggshells handbook' by randi kreger which made life with him a lot easier. now they are teenagers, i have left him and moved to a safe place. they spend time with him but i am in constant contact with them when they are there. i don't think the BPD would actually harm the children, it's just a way of controlling you. if you try and calm him down and stabilise his mood he will lose interest. like i say, i don't think it's about the children, it's about controlling you!

[ForeverDad]

As a general principle it is important to have firm boundaries.  As no doubt you've observed, trying to be reasonable, even being flexible, too often is perceived as weakness and enables or incites boundary pushing.  Yes, there are times to make accommodations but they need to be as seldom as possible.

Another general perspective is that since you are divorced, that relationship and any related promises or obligations are over.  The only interactions should be directly related to the parenting issues.  He doesn't live your life and you, to the extent it doesn't impact your parenting, don't live his life.

[Want_an_End]

ForeverDad,

How do your kids handle having a borderline mother? Are they doing well?