I think my heart has had enough. Calm and empty but...I do still want us to work

[lightningtree]

Been a while since I've posted on here. His therapist had thought it was Bipolar II, but after switching to a good psych and going in to the meetings with him (at his request) she's 99.9% sure it's BPD. Which is what I thought from the beginning two years ago.

Sucks to be right.

He does want to get better. He takes his meds faithfully, goes to every appointment. We did just get the proper diagnosis last week. I guess I should give it more time? He wants to go to a DBT program, so we've been calling around to set that up. We see the therapist tomorrow.

But it's not enough. Too late. I think anyway. Too late for us at least. Probably.

How can you tell in this kind of situation?

I've been reading over the decision making guidelines and one thing stands out: my head knew long before my heart did. Yep. My head has known for... .roughly a year, I think. My heart was stubborn. But in the past month... .I think what I've been going through is the grieving process, for the relationship. And that I'm now entering the acceptance stage. I wouldn't say that this feeling is peace, exactly. Calmness, yeah. Maybe numbness.

I'm not financially prepared to leave. And it's going to take a while to make that happen. I don't have a job. We've got a lot of debt (yay impulsive BPD spending sprees   ). 

I don't hate him. But I don't think I love him anymore. I never thought I'd get here but... .well, here I am. I think?

In all honesty I do hope that changes. I know he's going to follow through with DBT therapy. Maybe that'll help. Maybe it is too late. I guess we'll find out in the next 6-8 months ish. Either way I think it's time to start the prep for leaving. Get a job, make all the plans. Begin detaching. Do I sleep on the couch? In my office? Where do I draw the line, without triggering a reaction?

I know he doesn't want me to go. But... .well, I honestly don't know that I care anymore. There's a little bit of sadness, and some reluctance and frustration. It's all in proportion to what should be normal though, considering the circumstances. It's not like it used to be, when I wanted us and struggled to hold on to us, in spite of all the BPD BS. He isn't who he used to be. And if I'm going to be fully honest with myself: I think he knew all along. I know I did. We've owned the DBT workbooks for like two years and he doesn't even look at them. He's been holding on to the excuse that it's a chemical imbalance and that the meds would fix everything because he's lazy. He hasn't worked on improving the behaviors at all. In fact, he's doing less now than he did before.

I think I might be done. I think I am done and just don't want to admit it to myself.

I'm left with the same question I've had for so long about so much of this rollercoaster ride: how am I supposed to figure this out?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lightening tree, The answer, I suggest, involves listening to your gut feelings.  Try doing some thinking from the neck down.  On some level, I think you already know what is the right path for you.  The journey towards authenticity is hard, no doubt, but it leads to greater happiness.  Only you will know when it's time to get off the roller coaster.

LuckyJim

[lightningtree]

Thanks, LuckyJim. I think you're right, I think on some level I do know. I just don't want it, if that makes sense. I want things to be different, I want to feel different but

I don't know if I can anymore and it's really scary.

Something happened last night that made it a lot worse. We had a family member over and while we were hanging out, my husband starting talking to this person about his fears regarding upcoming treatment: DBT, potential hospitalization stay (recommended by the therapist and his psych). And that was fine in and of itself -- just seeking support for something that made him anxious. But then the conversation kept going and he started talking about the fight we had Sunday and she got involved in an attempt to mediate and fix things between us.

I can't believe I didn't shut it down. What in gods name was I thinking? That was so stupid. I should have walked away. But I didn't. That's my fault.

I'm pretty sure she has BPD. You can imagine how that affected the conversation. I had two of them against me. It's not her fault -- but the experience has changed the way I feel about her. And that's all now on top of the marriage maybe being over.

Every time I think I've reached my limit things go farther. I have never felt so lost in all my life.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lightning tree, Don't beat yourself up.  Next time, just say you prefer to discuss it privately with your H; end of discussion.  It's about improving your boundaries.  Others, like this family member, will break your boundaries if you let them.  So don't let them.

I know all too well the feeling of being lost.  Isolated from friends and family, I forgot who I was for a while there, which was a terrible feeling.  To paraphrase Dante, I was lost in a dark wood with no clear path out.

In Greek Mythology, Theseus finds his way out of the Cave of the Minotaur by following the string he unwound on his way into the labyrinth.  In similar fashion, you can find your way out of the BPD Cave by pulling on the threads that represent your authentic self, to see where they lead.  It involves listening to your gut feelings, I suggest.  Does this make sense?  Sorry to be so Delphic and hope I don't sound too "new age-y."

LuckyJim

[thisagain]

Hey lightningtree,

Your feelings sound so familiar to me. Somehow simultaneously feeling like it's over but not wanting it to be over, and not knowing what to do. Don't beat yourself up. These relationships are intensely confusing and you're doing the best you can 

When I was feeling that way, I started focusing on myself and getting closer to the kind of life that I wanted for myself (whether or not that included my partner). And eventually my heart caught up to my head. Maybe instead of "prep for leaving," look at it as giving yourself the chance to make a meaningful decision. You can't really decide to be with him or not if there are financial circumstances forcing you to stay.

I'd suggest that you look for a job, plan where you could live (maybe a friend/relative would let you crash for a while), talk with an attorney about your responsibility for the debts. During that time, things might get better and you might decide to stay. Or things might get worse and you'll take advantage of your new option to leave. Either way, you'll really have a choice.

Have you checked out the lessons on the Staying board? Many members have found that along with our partners (hopefully) getting treatment, changing our own behaviors and responses can significantly improve the relationship. It can help the lost feeling too, to know that there's something we have control over.

Be kind to yourself and hang in there! We're here for you with whatever kind of support you need <3

[sweetheart]

Hello lighteningtree,

As I read your posts I am struck by the sense of loss and futility in what you convey. You talk about grieving for your relationship and at the same time feeling very stuck, perhaps trapped.

Grieving can be a long painful journey to acceptance, I'm posting a link about the stages of grief to see if you can identify where you are on your journey.

The stages that we move through when we mourn the loss of something are not linear, but fluid and ever changing.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inside-out/201309/the-5-stages-grieving-the-end-relationship

You say in your posts that in practical terms you are not ready to leave yet, what would you need to do to change this?

My last questions is where is your support, who do you talk to about how you feel, about your wants and needs ?

I understand that you are involved in aspects of your SO's care and treatment, but it sounds to me like you deserve to spend time looking after your emotional wellbeing.

[lightningtree]

Been a rough while since my first post up top. We had an MC session (our last with the therapist we've had for years since our insurance no longer covers her). She thinks she's right about it being Bipolar II, and that he doesn't need hospitalization but that DBT treatment would help regardless. His pdoc has been strongly recommending he seek hospitalization and she feels more certain every time she sees him that the issues are behavioral and that it is BPD.

Therapist also recommended we work on our codependency issues and that I in particular stop with the over-involvement. That was my only homework. Okay. She's right 100% about that, but my over-involvement is the only reason we're still together and functioning. I guess I've been thinking that it was just a matter of finding the right treatment. That's what my heart has been saying. My head says, it's over. It's been over for a long time and you just don't want to admit it. Fighting for it to work has made it worse -- so stop fighting. You lost. You can't make someone get better if they don't truly want to and you're making both of you miserable by trying.

I still feel undecided and that's the worst part. I have to leave anyway. I can't trust how I feel or make decisions based on what the heart says. The heart isn't wrong, necessarily -- but I can't live like this anymore.

We've had several big blow ups in the weeks since the MC session. The therapist gave him a list of new couples counselors to try, and a few places that offer DBT. He called one DBT place, went for an assessment, and has done zero follow up. Okay. That speaks for itself, doesn't it? And I know how me stepping back from co-dependency triggers him. And that's likely why things are so much worse lately. But I just can't do it anymore. No, that's not entirely accurate -- I could do it. But I no longer want to.

He lets his feelings build up and fester and then when I let my guard down he explodes on me. He is vile. He's said the most horrible things to me, just to hurt me. Probably because he feels hurt and abandoned thanks to the distancing myself, but. I don't care. I don't care anymore what he's feeling. I don't like, respect, or love the person he is now. He's let the disorder win. I still love the person underneath it all. But I can't sacrifice anymore of myself waiting for him to follow through on his promises, on treatment. On anything.

We are what we do, after all. He is abusive, manipulative, neglectful, and irresponsible. I'm done trying. I'm done. Last night I tried to have a conversation with him about our pets and what we wanted to watch with dinner. I shouldn't have tried to reach out, shouldn't have taken my walls down. He was the worst I have seen him in years, since before he started treatment. Screaming and spitting in my face about how much he hates me, how horrible I am, breaking our stuff and putting his fist through the wall. If I had somewhere to go, I'd've gone. Ended up calling the Boy's Town crisis line and the lady was very kind and understanding, talked him down. I went to bed and he stayed up watching TV. When he did come to bed (he'd said he was going to sleep on the couch) he snuggled around me and said he loved me.

No. That's not love. I understand that he has a mental disorder. I've given him space for that. But he doesn't do the same for himself and I'm no longer okay with waiting for things to change and swallowing so much abusive emotional pain in the interim.

I don't think he wants to change. I think what he wants is to blame me for all his problems.

I realize that I've been holding out hope for what I'd expected our future would be. All the great plans we'd made. But none of that is going to happen. It's not going to change -- it's going to be up and down and horrible and gradually worse and worse. That's what it has been. I need to open my eyes and see what is really before me instead of what I want to see. Focus on hope for myself, alone, instead of hope for the relationship.

LuckyJim -- the image you gave me in your last post, the idea of following the threads of myself out of the dark, has been a lifeline these last weeks. In the middle of him shouting at me I can shut my eyes and take a deep breath and visualize taking hold of those threads and walking back into the light. It's the kindest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. Thank you. Thank you. It's something that I know will stay with me and guide me for the rest of my life.

thisagain -- you're echoing my exact feelings. You're right, changing my perspective would help. I'm taking steps toward my independence. I don't have a support system. My family is pretty dysfunctional and I'm the red headed step child of the bunch. I have plans to fix this (not with them, but by finding a local support group and just getting out on my own). Everyone is telling me the same thing, about leaving. It' time I let my head decide and stop waiting for my heart to catch up.

sweetheart -- loss and futility. Yes. I do feel trapped, and I've been struggling with acceptance but I think I've been unsuccessful because I've not known what to accept. That the relationship is over? That I don't love him anymore? But it's not and I do. I think I've been focusing wrongly on that. What I need to accept... .is that I'm not going to feel like this is right. And that's okay. Let my head decide and stop listening to my heart. Breakups hurt, mental illness is horrible. And I can't control him and shouldn't try to. If he doesn't want to get better(he claims he does, but isn't actually working on it and I need to stop trusting what he says because he lies), that's his decision. Leaving is mine. I'm not okay with that. But I no longer think I have to be.