One step forward, two steps backward

[Lollypop]

Not venting but writing about current situation. This process really helps me keep straight.

6 weeks since 25 year old BPDs moved back home.

First interview today in 5 years and it went badly, I could tell he was very nervous and he asked me to wait for him (surprisingly) despite him going somewhere with friends immediately afterwards.

I'm not fully convinced he went in for the interview. I may of course be wrong but I've just got a feeling and it wouldn't be the first time.

We've got a challenging Wednesday as we'll be talking to BPDs about the one and only current boundary set: job or benefits.

I'm trying to keep perspective about this. It was highly unlikely he would succeed in getting a job at his first interview (if he went). We want him in a part-time job to provide structure and get him out there in the real world. We are trying hard to keep our behaviour on an even keel but at the same time not treat him like he is fragile. This has worked so far and it's been quite amazing to see him apply for a job. He has started to work casually but we are not prepared to have him live with us on this basis; seen it all before, where he'll do the bare minimum to just keep in weed for the week without paying rent. Just not acceptable.

We have a tough time ahead.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[thefixermom]

I can feel you holding your breath... .so don't forget to breathe!  I like the "we" in your sentences. You and your partner are on the same page with the same boundaries, that is very good.  You do have a tough time ahead. I've been there several times with my D.  She always used us as a crash pad with many promises but only really went to work when living on her own and the perceived pressure was great enough for her.  Even now, with her gone, I have to guard my codependent nature and discern when she could do something for herself rather than my doing it just because she asked. At the same time, she lives thousands of miles from us now so it's mostly the only time I do hear from her... .when she needs me to fax or print or mail something for her. So I will sometimes do it, just to have a little contact.

[Lollypop]

Thanks fixermom

I get it. I see the "perceived pressure" just isn't there when he's comfortable in my back bedroom, full fridge and clean hot shower. He'd argue "but I am working and being really good with my money, I'm leaving as soon as I get enough together"; both true (this week anyway!).

I dream of him being thousands of miles away, working... .while I'm on a beach admiring my pedicured toes.

I'm trying to see the funny side of things today, it's,keeping me sane

L

[thefixermom]

Your dream made me smile. Humor is a great tool... .keep using it.

My D always told me, "I'm leaving here and getting away from you as soon as I can!"  as if we were soo bad to her, . 

[FeathersofHope]

Your dream made me smile, too, Lollypop  I agree with Fixermom... .Humor is a tool that I could not live without. I remember my daughter sitting in her cozy bed telling me that living with us was ''Hell" ... .Well, it's been a year, and she has yet to move... .I guess there are worse places to live than even "Hell".