Heartbroken

[Depression = 72% of members]

My ex has BPD with elements of NPD. He had a history of violence(not domestic), addiction, self harm and depression. However, he's artistic, successful, and can be an amazing man.  He pursued me hard and we had a wonderful few months together.



Then he started devaluing me-always pushing my sexual boundaries, telling me he loved me then Disappearing for days. He had told me nobody loved him and he doesn't trust women. I tried very hard to be loving and caring. He spoke of future plans with me, and would be super affectionate.

He went to travel for work for 2 months and totally neglected me. When I would bring it up, he would explode at me and tell me how hard his life is and how selfish I am. After nearly a month of the silent treatment, he posted photos on social media of he and a girl half his age. He then called me as if nothing was wrong. She also lives on a different continent and has no job. He doesn't like dating women who can't provide for themselves. I was shocked.

I confronted him and he called me crazy.

It's been a month and I haven't contacted him. I know I sound crazy for wanting him back, but I know underneath it all he's a loving person. Up until 6 months in, he was my dream man.

Will he come back? How can I get him back?

In the past when he disappeared he would always come back to me. I miss him so much.

[Surfergirl88]

My ex has BPD with elements of NPD. He had a history of violence(not domestic), addiction, self harm and depression. However, he's artistic, successful, and can be an amazing man.  He pursued me hard and we had a wonderful few months together.



Then he started devaluing me-always pushing my sexual boundaries, telling me he loved me then Disappearing for days. He had told me nobody loved him and he doesn't trust women. I tried very hard to be loving and caring. He spoke of future plans with me, and would be super affectionate.

He went to travel for work for 2 months and totally neglected me. When I would bring it up, he would explode at me and tell me how hard his life is and how selfish I am. After nearly a month of the silent treatment, he posted photos on social media of he and a girl half his age. He then called me as if nothing was wrong. She also lives on a different continent and has no job. He doesn't like dating women who can't provide for themselves. I was shocked.

I confronted him and he called me crazy.

It's been a month and I haven't contacted him. I know I sound crazy for wanting him back, but I know underneath it all he's a loving person. Up until 6 months in, he was my dream man.

Will he come back? How can I get him back?

In the past when he disappeared he would always come back to me. I miss him so much.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Surfergirl88,

Welcome and hello 

These push/pull spells can be so painful. I'm sorry you're hurting, and glad you found the site.

When the two of you have separated/split in the past, who is usually the person to make first contact? How long have the two of you been together (including on/off)?

People with BPD have very unstable relationship skills, and can go from clingy to distant in a matter of seconds, sometimes for no apparent reason. It can really mess with our hearts and minds. What would you like to happen going forward?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Surfergirl88, I'm sorry to learn what you are going through.  I've been in your shoes, believe me.  As LnL says, there is a push/pull dynamic that typifies most BPD relationships, which is extremely hard to comprehend.  If you're like me, you may find yourself looking for reasons or answers to things that really have no answer or rational basis, which is why a BPD r/s can be so exhausting.  Things that trigger a reaction one day will change the next day, so it's a moving target.  The best suggestion I can give you at the moment is to focus on taking care of yourself and figuring out what is the right path for you.  Put your energy where your power is, i.e., in the things you can change and/or control (usually just yourself).

LuckyJim

[Surfergirl88]

First of all, I want to thank you both for responding and being so kind. So many forums are extremely judgemental.

We started dating 9 months ago but were friends for a year before that.

In the past he's been the one to make contact after a silence. The last time it was about a month.

Because I told the OW about he and I, I worry he hates me now.

I am doing the best I can to take care of myself. I can't eat or sleep and I cry a lot. I'm sure you both know how these relationships can have such extreme highs that when they pull away it feels like the end of the world. I was a happy, confident young woman when he came along.

I miss him and I love him. I feel bad I called him a horrible person, but seeing a photo of the man you love gazing at a young girl is enough to make you upset.

[livednlearned]

I found this article helpful when trying to understand the incredible heartache that you describe. Seeing someone you love with another romantic interest is extremely painful  :'(

That article make me understand "protest" behaviors and my own insecure attachment style. People with BPD also have insecure (or what some researchers call "disorganized" attachment styles. Sometimes the break ups are so profound that can completely reset our attachment styles. Either way, the road back to a secure attachment style is something you can gift yourself. It also has the added bonus of making you more emotionally resilient if/when your BPD resurfaces in your life, which is critically important in a BPD relationship.

[Surfergirl88]

I know he's insecure. He always spoke of how he "drove away" his exes.

I miss him. I hope he doesn't hate me. I love him so much.

[livednlearned]

I miss him. I hope he doesn't hate me. I love him so much.

He may be feeling a lot of shame, and bad that he hurt you. Sometimes it can help to write down how you feel, as though you were talking to him. Is that something that might help?

[Surfergirl88]

When he was going through his cold periods I would write him letters I would never send. It helped.



When i confronted him and told him how much he hurt me, he called me crazy. Does he think I'm crazy? That hurt. I'm not crazy at all. I'm not stalking him and I haven't even texted him since the big fight.

Every day I wake up and wish he would call me.