Exhausted mama here

[Usmcwife35]

I am hoping this forum can be a safe place for me to fall in this constant battle with BPD. 

My daughter was diagnosed almost years ago with BPD, after more than 20 acute hospitalizations, every medication for every mental illness symptom, 4 long term residential facilities  (5 months each time), including the one she was in at the time of BPD diagnosis... .multiple suicidal attempts including one that she was on life support as a result of, and years of chaos, lying, risky behaviors with drugs, alcohol, sex, running away, violence, and several other things.  She will now be 18 in April, and on top of the previous symptoms and situations, since then we have had several more acute hospitalizations, another overdose landing her on a ventilator in a coma lifeflighted, hard core drugs, extreme promiscuity and risky sexual behavior, many failed or unsuccessful relationships, jail, house arrest, even more severe rages, stealing, lying and every type of behavior listed in BPD publications.  No joke.

She is currently in the hospital, simply as a way to keep her safe from herself. (Not a suicidal or cutting incident)

But because her behaviors are so dangerous outside of my home, and inside, I felt I needed to have her admitted for a bit. 

I need direction... .as she turns 18 in April, and hopefully graduates in June.  I have so much guilt for not being the most educated in BPD, therefore I know my reactions, actions and dealings with her were probably more hurtful to her than helpful. And I have such a fear of losing her in my life whether by her choice and anger towards me, or due to her accidental/unintentional but fatal drug use, overdose etc. 

I'm just trying to hold onto her.  I can't separate. ... although  want to 95% of the time, when she is saying so many hateful things, never showing guilt or remorse, because I feel like I won't be there to save her, and she's come to close to death by her own choices, I feel like our luck will.come to an end, and that probability will be increased, if she isn't living with me or in a hospital.

I'm emotionally exhausted, the resources our military insurance provides is less than helpful, and the local BPD support for families is non existing and that's how I found yall!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[sparkles mom]

It's exhausting, I won't even try to lie to you.  Read everything you can.  Call everyone you can.  Try off base with comunity health or health department.  Don't know where you are stationed.  My dad was career Army but we did almost all of our health care in the private sector when we were kids.  Nothing against them, just not a lot of availability at that base.

I have made the most of my progress for our 16 BPDD by contacting youth services through DHHR.

Keep reading.  Be persistent.

[lbjnltx]

Hello Usmcwife,

Welcome to the parenting board.

I'm so sorry that your daughter is so acutely ill and for all that you have gone through.

This is a safe and soft place to land for us parents who are so battered and beaten that we don't know which way is up or what to do now. :'(

Since your d will soon be 18, what options are you considering for her?  What options are open to you through the military?  Were the long term placements in military facilities and what kind of treatment did she get there? Lots of questions as I try to understand your situation.

My daughter, now 19 was dx with traits at 12.  She was not nearly as severe a case as your daughter and we intervened early through our education here, books, therapy, and long term residential treatment.  She still struggles sometimes though she has skills to cope with most anything... .even the loss of her father at 17.

I look forward to hearing back from you and learning how to best support you.

lbj