Communication (2)

[LonelyChild]

unicorn2014,

Has he given you the divorce filing papers?

[unicorn2014]

There is no case with the clerk of courts docket yet.

I have realized that I don't want my boundaries to be dependent on his actions.

I am not conducting myself in a romantic manner towards him and I am not responsible for his displays of affection towards me, nor are they a reflection on me.

I was in a very different place emotionally when I met him online over 3 years ago. Back then when I found out he was married it wasn't a problem. Today it is.

Our relationship is fundamentally different now.


I am still taking care of a sick teen so its a bit hard for me to focus on this thread right now.

[LonelyChild]

There is no case with the clerk of courts docket yet.

I have realized that I don't want my boundaries to be dependent on his actions.

To me, this sounds a bit like a rationalization. Ie, he didn't meet your demand (although he said he would - dishonest again), and instead of reacting to it with "ok I've had enough" you rationalize it by changing yourself and your perspective instead. This is the path of losing yourself to these people. Please be careful.

[unicorn2014]

I get that my partner is a dishonest person, from the big things to the little things. I also think some of that dishonesty is because he offers things he doesn't have. That is all I can say at this point. I will check the clerk of courts docket site and let you know if anything turns up today.

[Grey Kitty]

I also think some of that dishonesty is because he offers things he doesn't have.

Perhaps this is semantics... .but I see offering something you don't have is pure and simple dishonesty... .not a reason for dishonesty.

I could speculate on reasons why he does this, perhaps being insecure, believing you wouldn't love him without being offered more than he actually can offer you today... .but the reasons don't change the result... .being dishonest/deceptive with you.

I will check the clerk of courts docket site and let you know if anything turns up today.

You can do that... .but I think you will find more peace/progress examining your own feelings about this, and accepting him as somebody who has very limited capacity to be forthright with you than you will find checking whether he was honest or dishonest with you one more time... .

[unicorn2014]

Grey Kitty, I agree, and he checked the clerk of courts website himself this morning and told me he was not happy because it hadn't posted yet. I was more thinking along the lines of financial things, he said he would put money on the starbucks card he gave me "so I could get out of the house" and would give me money for dbt and therapy and he did neither. Of course I couldn't go to dbt and therapy this week because my daughter was sick, but that's another story. What all comes down to is I don't need him for anything, those things are my responsibility: coffee, dbt, therapy, not his.

In terms of his pending divorce, I'm trying to think of any of my past partners might have been married without me knowing it. I know at least one man was separated, another man was living with his girlfriend at the time.

[Grey Kitty]

Im a little confused as to why you would look for hidden marriages farther in your past.

It seems unlikely. While deceptive people abound, they don't all do it the same way.

If you put up with deception for a long time after learning about it with prior partners, that is a tough pill to swallow, and one well worth looking at.

Ask why you wanted to believe people... .instead of why they deceived you. You can change your side of it in the future.

[unicorn2014]

Im a little confused as to why you would look for hidden marriages farther in your past.

It seems unlikely. While deceptive people abound, they don't all do it the same way.

If you put up with deception for a long time after learning about it with prior partners, that is a tough pill to swallow, and one well worth looking at.

Ask why you wanted to believe people... .instead of why they deceived you. You can change your side of it in the future.

No, I didn't put up with deception, I'm saying that I had casual partners in the past who might have had an estranged wife that I didn't know about. I don't want to believe anyone. I'm actually quite cynical, maybe even jaded, hopefully not bitter.

[HurtinNW]

I get that my partner is a dishonest person, from the big things to the little things. I also think some of that dishonesty is because he offers things he doesn't have. That is all I can say at this point. I will check the clerk of courts docket site and let you know if anything turns up today.

My heart really goes out to you. It has to be incredibly painful to be checking court dockets online to see if your married loved one has filed for divorce. I don't mean that badly. It just shows how off the rails we can get with BPD loved ones. We start with being idealized, thinking of marriage... .the next we are responsible for seeing if they have filed for divorce. Or, in my case, looked into the rings they promised years ago.

I don't think you should be checking with court dockets. I think you should take the attitude that if he wants a divorce and gets a divorce he will naturally show you the papers. It's not your job to be the Investigator General, and he is sucking you into making you responsible. He's responsible. He is totally sucking you into being the bad guy cop who checks up on him.

I know the hard part of this, because my BPD boyfriend has promised marriage *(when he isn't recycling me) for three years. Recently I got sucked into a similar drama. He spoke about getting rings. He said, "I will call the jewelers tomorrow." Tomorrow didn't happen. I made the mistake of letting him suck me into checking. I mean, really... .if these guys wanted to marry us they done it by now. I've seen my BPD boyfriend get more motivated about a cheeseburger than marrying me. I am finally at a point where I am able to assess that without taking it personally. Because it is really not about you or me. It's about them.

Can you accept him if he doesn't get divorced? That's the question I am dealing with my boyfriend. It won't be a marriage if I force him into it. Honestly, I wonder if a lot of the drama isn't their shame focused way of diverting attention from their fears. If he gets divorced and marries you, what then? You know him in ways another woman would not. That is a scary proposition for a BPD.

[unicorn2014]

I get that my partner is a dishonest person, from the big things to the little things. I also think some of that dishonesty is because he offers things he doesn't have. That is all I can say at this point. I will check the clerk of courts docket site and let you know if anything turns up today.

My heart really goes out to you. It has to be incredibly painful to be checking court dockets online to see if your married loved one has filed for divorce. I don't mean that badly. It just shows how off the rails we can get with BPD loved ones. We start with being idealized, thinking of marriage... .the next we are responsible for seeing if they have filed for divorce. Or, in my case, looked into the rings they promised years ago.

I don't think you should be checking with court dockets. I think you should take the attitude that if he wants a divorce and gets a divorce he will naturally show you the papers. It's not your job to be the Investigator General, and he is sucking you into making you responsible. He's responsible. He is totally sucking you into being the bad guy cop who checks up on him.

He's not sucking me into being responsible , its my curiosity and I have a custom made engagement ring that I took off until I see that he's divorced. He proposed to me before he even met me, and that was over three years ago. He can't physically show me the papers because he lives in another state.

I do agree I shouldn't be checking.

Marrying me was his idea not my idea.

[Grey Kitty]

... .I have a custom made engagement ring... .

Marrying me was his idea not my idea.

When you say two things like this together, I don't see you owning your own actions.

Yes, he gave you a ring and asked you to marry him. This is true.

And you accept it, and put the ring on.

You fully participated in that decision, even though he initiated it. Marraige requires two willing participants. So does engagement. You can say "no" or "maybe" or "I'm not ready" when presented a ring. As far as I know,  you said "yes". And you can change your mind after saying "yes".

The healthy thing is to acknowledge that you said "yes" in the past, and that you have changed your mind as of now to something else, in this case, due to new information (that he's still married).

[unicorn2014]

Grey kitty, I was  saying that to clarify things for the other posters sake who wasn't familiar with my story. I am not confused.

[Daniell85]

I disagree with "you shouldn't check the court dockets".

You should check them. This is your life. If the dishonesty continues from your partner, you should be knowing about it. That being said, I am doubtful that getting into arguments with him is likely of any benefit. You already laid your boundary, so there isn't much to do except continue to enforce it for your own peace of mind.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you Daniel for an alternate perspective! Yesterday he told me there was nothing posted before I had a chance to check. I'm happy to report he hasn't asked to FaceTime me in 2 weeks so that's progress. I'm comfortable with where the relationship is at now: waiting for his divorce case to show up in the court system. We are not fighting, I am not enmeshed, I am thinking independently , I have friends, I'm thinking critically. It's fair to say things are healthy.

[formflier]

 

So, let's assume that one day you check the computer and there is a case filed.  Then what?


I'm still a bit curious why the divorce is being discussed or talked about in any manner.  I was under the impression that a decision has been made a while back that you would take space until there is clarity about the divorce.

Talking about a divorce action that is still not yet filed doesn't seem to be taking space. 

Has the plan changed?  Not asking about his plan, I'm interested in yours.

FF

[unicorn2014]

What do you mean by taking space? If you mean no contact there was a discussion of that being emotional abuse and I didn't go that route. If you mean not talking about the divorce, are you suggesting I not say another word about it? I actually didn't bring it up yesterday, he did. He said he was annoyed and when I asked why he said nothing had posted yet so he was going to have to call his lawyer.