Possible BPD Mother Moved In - I'm Asking Her To Leave

[DyingSoul52]

Wow, been reading through the boards and it's amazing to see how I'm not the only child going through this sort of issue with my mother.  I've been reading "Walking On Eggshells" and I'm starting to see my mother BPD traits, and see how I'm lost in the FOG.  I'm still a newbie at this. I kind of wish I had found this sooner, maybe it would have changed the path I find myself on... .not sure.

Just a quick back-story.  About 4 years ago my sister passed away quite suddenly.  In our immediate family that left only me and my mother.  I was happily married with two kids, dealing with grief of my own, and trying to help my mother deal with her grief as well.  My mother lived in the house we grew up in, which was much too big for her.  She hadn't worked for a couple of years at that point (although physically she can, if it doesn't involve standing for long periods), and pretty much sat at home watching TV.  We had many conversations and for the first time since I initially left home (around 15), I felt like we were making progress. 

Pretty much since the day my father abandoned our family (I was 8), all emotional closeness ended.  No more "I love you", no more hugs, no more anything.  She was rather unstable, from thinking my friends stole her push broom (which led to dishes being thrown around the house) to her attempting to beat me up at 15.  That was kind of a funny site, as I was nearly a foot taller and her attempt was unsuccessful.

So, long story short... .I talked to my wife and after some heart to heart we decided to let my mother move in.  She fronted about 21K to get my basement finished into her own little apartment, sold her house, and moved in.  My happiness ended that day.  Any time we leave the house we have to tell her where we are going, and invite her to go.  Anything else leads to the conversation (always with just me) about how I don't understand her pain and loneliness, how I'm cold-hearted, and how I'm a bad son for not including her.  But if she does go, it has to be on her terms, I can't leave her side to engage with anyone else, or it leads to the conversation (always with just me) about how I don't understand her pain, how I'm cold-hearted... .you get the idea.  I try to help her find work, she refuses.  I tell her about the senior center, she never goes.

It's gotten to the point where my wife doesn't even want to include my mother, and frankly neither do I, but I was so afraid of the consequences of doing something without her I just started not doing anything.  We want to go see a movie, the anxiety starts and I find a reason for us not to go.  We want to go visit my wife's family, the anxiety starts and I find a reason not to go.  Any attempt to establish boundaries with my mother turned into a conversation about how I don't understand her pain and loneliness... .the pattern continues.  My mother never cares about my life, my job, my happiness.  She never asks and when I start talking about my life she turns the conversation back to herself, and usually about how miserable and lonely she is.

She favors my daughter over my son.  This is apparent and any discussion with her about it results in me being a mean person to say such a mean thing.

About two weeks ago, my mother made the first openly negative comment about my marriage.  Again, this was to me (always just me). 

About 4 weeks ago the threats to move out started... .I don't think it had the desired effect... .as this seemed like a really good idea to me.

So again, I talked to my wife, did some soul searching.  My wife described the spiral of depression she saw me in, and how my desire for anything has started to vanish.  She said she supported me and always will (and I love her for that), but that she was worried about me. 

We have also began to see our children emulating her negative attitudes.

I decided my mother needs to go.  I approached her about some active senior centers we could look at and move her into, giving her some specific places I had in mind.  I told her that I could tell she was unhappy here and unable to connect with anyone outside of the home, and maybe if she lived in the area she used to live it would be easier for her to go out, meet some people, be happy.  It didn't go over well.

The conversations I've had with her about these things have been some of the worst conversations I've ever had with her.  According to her, I am selfish, I have no love for her (only myself), I am cold-hearted, I can't understand her pain, I'm a horrible son and a horrible person.  I had my wife with me for these conversations so she could see what I've been dealing with and she is shocked.  She always knew about our conversations as I told her about them, but she never really knew about how it was.  She was shocked that my mother had so little concern for anyone other than herself, and the lack of empathy my mother showed.  She was shocked at what I have had to put up with for years.

I've started therapy and suggested my mother do the same (which she has).  A part of me is worried I've acted rashly, but I honestly feel I've gone too far to back off now, even if I wanted to (which I don't).  I'm about to deliver to her a move out date of March 15th.  My wife is supporting me so much right now, it's the only reason I'm able to manage to make it day by day.  I can't eat, I struggle to sleep, I struggle to focus on work.  I want this over with.  I see this light at the end of the tunnel... .this chance to have my life back.  This chance to feel safe and happy in my own home.  The chance for my wife to feel safe and happy, for my children to feel safe and happy and have their daddy back to how he was.  Then once I have that I can try to re-open relations back with my mother, but on my terms. 

But the guilt is eating me up... I acknowledge it.  I mean, she is technically right... .I am not doing a nice thing to her.  Perhaps my reasons are noble, but I'm still doing a horrible thing.  Living in the same house with her during this process is amplifying it a hundred fold.

My mother came up to talk to me today, and again went into the same spiel about how I am so horrible and am hurting her so much.  Telling me I am a cold hearted-selfish son who has no regard for anyone but himself.  I told her, "I want to talk to you and work this out, but not if it involves insults and labels".  She stormed off.

I'm struggling.  Am I a bad person?  Am I doing a bad thing?

TIA for reading... .

[steelwork]

 


I'm struggling.  Am I a bad person?  Am I doing a bad thing?

TIA for reading... .

You sound like an incredibly generous person to me. I think you need to separate her perspective of what's happening from reality. It's not like you're putting her on an iceberg and pushing her out to sea.

[claudiaduffy]

DyingSoul52,

You are not a bad person.

You are not a bad son.

You do not owe anyone, even your lonely mom, the kind of payment she is demanding from you.

I am so glad to hear that you're setting the welfare of your wife and children - and your own health - above your mother's unreasonable demands. Please hear us all very loudly - and most of us here know what it's like - it is not abusive or unloving to remove a toxic person from your home and daily life. No matter who they are. It sounds like you are being actually very generous and loving in your actions by refusing to be baited and by being proactive to lead your mom towards a decent alternate situation.

I pray this goes as well as possible for you.

[Eyeamme]

Your wife and kids don't deserve to live like that. Do it for them! You have no reason to feel guilty. If your mother were "well" she wouldn't want you to. I know, I am a mom.

[Panda39]

Hi DyingSoul52  ,

I agree with the others you are protecting your wife and particularly your kids from toxic behavior.  You are right it's "FOG", your mom is a FOG machine right now. Here is some reading about FOG/Emotional Blackmail in case you haven't already seen it... .https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

What you are doing by asking your mom to move out is setting a boundary about behavior that you will tolerate and not tolerate in your home.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing so.

Here is some reading about boundaries... .

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries


I also wanted to point out the box to the right --> Each item is a link to more information when you have time you might want to check out the "Lessons" section.

I'm glad you've found us.

Take Care,

Panda39

[busybee1116]

But the guilt is eating me up... I acknowledge it.  I mean, she is technically right... .I am not doing a nice thing to her.  Perhaps my reasons are noble, but I'm still doing a horrible thing.  Living in the same house with her during this process is amplifying it a hundred fold.

pwBPD create no-win situations. No matter what you do, you are a bad son. If she stays in your home, you are cruel, cold-hearted, don't understand how lonely she is. If you ask her to move out, you are cruel, cold-hearted, don't understand how lonely she is. She cannot have a logical discussion about what is best because her feelings matter more than facts. If her opinion of you is the same (you are awful) NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, pick the option that makes you happiest. Protect yourself and your family. So amazing mom is in therapy, too!