Happy Birthday...NOT

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

When I woke up, I realized BPDh was still in bed. I asked him why he'd stayed home, and he said he did it as a surprise for my birthday. Now, this might seem "nice" or "innocent", but it is not. We've had huge issue with him not telling me things, and he's had a huge loss of memory lately. I tell him that I'd planned to go see my parents so they could wish me happy birthday, and I'd kept the evening clear as he'd said for plans he'd made for us.

Now, he thought I was mad, when I couldn't have been more calm. We were still laying snuggled in bed when I told him I was frustrated, and we'd both just woke up. I was quiet, didn't raise my voice or get a "tone". I just feel he stayed home to further isolate me from my family. We'd talked just yesterday about could he please at least speak to my son when he comes to visit, at least make some effort, and yet during my son's visit last night, BPDh made zero effort, and was clearly mad my son came over.

I would never act that way when HIS son comes over. I interact, I don't barge off in the other room, in fact, I interact more with his son than he does during visits, because BPDh isn't very chatty.

Okay, so after I told him I was frustrated that he didn't let me in on his plans to stay home, he passive aggressively wouldn't wish me happy birthday, and later he ended up F bombing me, and blaming all on me. I was super hurt, so I left the house, and the situation.

When I get home, he's off with my daughter, which he knows is a huge issue for me. He'd been doing so much better not aligning with her, and asking her to treat me more respectfully, and now this. She of course has been upset over her lack of being able to control him as she used to, and I think this is partially where her recent anger has stemmed from. She liked making him dance like a puppet, having him dote on her, and sort of rubbed it in my face. She's been fighting to get that control back.

I can't remember a worse birthday. BPDh even told me to just stay at my parents overnight. It's never HIM trying to repair things, or make amends, it's always me, and I'm heartily sick of doing it. I wasn't mad, I didn't cuss him out, I didn't blame him and yet he's playing the victim. Triangle, I get it. Oh, and he also brought up the subject of his kids while I was trying to talk to him. Why does he always have to bring them up when he's mad? It's a hot topic for us, that I deal with pretty well, but HE doesn't, so why bring them into it, when today had zero to do with them?

I seriously think about just running away for a week or so. I just want to surround myself with kind, healthy, people. I'm sick of the anger, blame and judgement. I'm sick of them telling me how I feel, when I tell them they are wrong. I feel like I like in crazy town.

Why does MY birthday have to become about him, due to his acting out? I wish he'd stay gone the rest of the day, and I could just have a nice day alone, or doing things I'd like.

[Ceruleanblue]

When I woke up, I realized BPDh was still in bed. I asked him why he'd stayed home, and he said he did it as a surprise for my birthday. Now, this might seem "nice" or "innocent", but it is not. We've had huge issue with him not telling me things, and he's had a huge loss of memory lately. I tell him that I'd planned to go see my parents so they could wish me happy birthday, and I'd kept the evening clear as he'd said for plans he'd made for us.

Now, he thought I was mad, when I couldn't have been more calm. We were still laying snuggled in bed when I told him I was frustrated, and we'd both just woke up. I was quiet, didn't raise my voice or get a "tone". I just feel he stayed home to further isolate me from my family. We'd talked just yesterday about could he please at least speak to my son when he comes to visit, at least make some effort, and yet during my son's visit last night, BPDh made zero effort, and was clearly mad my son came over.

I would never act that way when HIS son comes over. I interact, I don't barge off in the other room, in fact, I interact more with his son than he does during visits, because BPDh isn't very chatty.

Okay, so after I told him I was frustrated that he didn't let me in on his plans to stay home, he passive aggressively wouldn't wish me happy birthday, and later he ended up F bombing me, and blaming all on me. I was super hurt, so I left the house, and the situation.

When I get home, he's off with my daughter, which he knows is a huge issue for me. He'd been doing so much better not aligning with her, and asking her to treat me more respectfully, and now this. She of course has been upset over her lack of being able to control him as she used to, and I think this is partially where her recent anger has stemmed from. She liked making him dance like a puppet, having him dote on her, and sort of rubbed it in my face. She's been fighting to get that control back.

I can't remember a worse birthday. BPDh even told me to just stay at my parents overnight. It's never HIM trying to repair things, or make amends, it's always me, and I'm heartily sick of doing it. I wasn't mad, I didn't cuss him out, I didn't blame him and yet he's playing the victim. Triangle, I get it. Oh, and he also brought up the subject of his kids while I was trying to talk to him. Why does he always have to bring them up when he's mad? It's a hot topic for us, that I deal with pretty well, but HE doesn't, so why bring them into it, when today had zero to do with them?

I seriously think about just running away for a week or so. I just want to surround myself with kind, healthy, people. I'm sick of the anger, blame and judgement. I'm sick of them telling me how I feel, when I tell them they are wrong. I feel like I like in crazy town.

Why does MY birthday have to become about him, due to his acting out? I wish he'd stay gone the rest of the day, and I could just have a nice day alone, or doing things I'd like.

[Ceruleanblue]

Christmas and the holidays are typically not fun due to BPDh's moods and depression. I don't remember if he's done this sort of thing to me on previous birthdays, but I think he has.

Has anyone else had pwBPD seemingly try to sabotage a day that should be a happy one for you? Why do you think they do that? This just feels so intentional. I feel he could have stopped at any point. I even left to give him time to cool down. He was as mad or madder when he came home to find I'd returned, and he kept telling ME to leave, on my birthday, no less. Uhm, where am I supposed to go?

I'm just so hurt and befuddled by this. I'm sure I'm not the only one to have dealt with this sort of thing.

[ColdEthyl]

Happy Birthday Blue,I'm sorry it went this way  Truly... .I've had this birthday.

Do YOU kind of live in crazy town. He's the bumbling mayor, and you are the right hand man trying to keep it all together. At least... that's how I have felt at times.

Did you specifically say "I feel that you stayed at home to further isolate me from my family?" If not, do you recall which words you said?

*sighs* Holidays and BPD do always make a crazy mix in my house. I think they either fight with what they think they are supposed to be doing/feeling versus how they do feel, so they get all worked up and naturally that splashes on us.

He could have stayed home for your birthday in his mind, then got super hurt when you said you were frustrated. Any little thing they do needs acknowledgement or they blow up.

[coworkerfriend]

Happy Birthday  - I have had my birthday ruined many times.  It always feels deliberate to me - last year, he tried to "fix" something on our office computer (my birthday was on a Sunday and he didn't even need to be at the office) and crashed the server.  He flipped totally out and blamed me for not having an IT person take care of it during the week. He called and raged over the phone on and off for two hours.  I felt like he had to find something to go wrong that day.  He was so upset about the server that he couldn't go to dinner - he spent the time in bed. It was like there was too much pressure on him for me to have a good day that he decided to ruin it himself. 

Holidays are just the same - always  dysregulation/depression/anger filled.  New Year's Day he flipped out because the plow didn't come when he wanted it to.  Mind you, he had no where to go and we only had a few inches of snow.

I feel like you do - I am tired of the anger, blame and judgment.  It is crazy town.  I am sorry you were hurt - even when you know why this happens, it doesn't make it hurt any less.

[HurtinNW]

Well, you could have my boyfriend, who always finds a reason to rage right before every.single.holiday and day that is important to me or my kids. He flips out, storms out and gives us the silent treatment while holed up in his house, feeling sorry for himself. For the past four years he has missed most of my kid's birthdays, my birthdays, mother's day, valentine's day, Christmas... .It is super hurtful.

Of course, he never does this when something is happening on a holiday that is special to him. The one Valentine's day we spent together it was because we had previously made plans with friends of his that are important to him. I was convinced he didn't sabotage the evening simply because he didn't want to look bad to them.

It's hard to not see this behavior as deliberately hurtful. I think for my BPD/NPD boyfriend the sabotage comes about in part because he feels a huge amount of pressure anytime anyone expects anything from him. It seems to really ignite his shame, which he covers with resentment and lashing out. Since he is most comfortable in the victim role of the triangle, he finds a reason to blow up, retreat, and then casts a narrative he was the victim.

I'm not sure I have advice, except perhaps to create boundaries around expecting this behavior and continuing with your own plans. That's what I am doing.  

[mywifecrazy]

I had to respond to your post because I was about to go to the co-parenting page to post MY sad birthday story. Today is my birthday too.

I'm divorced from my uBPDxw 2 yrs now. I'm still going to post but in a nutshell my X doesn't even tell my kids it's my birthday so I didn't even get a Happy Birthday Dad. That would have been nice to hear. I don't blame the kids. No kids remember their parents birthdays till they are older. I feel sorry for my kids because I know they are going to feel like they let me down when they find out. It's just the latest in the long line and never ending BS I have to put up with having this woman still in my life because of the kids. Thank God I'm not with her anymore!

Anyway Happy Birthday Blue. Fellow Jan 29er! Peace to you!

MWC... .

[Cat Familiar]

Ceruleanblue and mywifecrazy  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

[Ceruleanblue]

ColdEthyl:

A big "NO" to did I tell him I felt he was trying to isolate me from my family. I know way better to say anything of that nature to him. What I specifically said was "Why are you still home?" upon waking. Then, when he told me it was a "surprise" for my bday, I said "I"m sort of frustrated that you didn't tell me you were going to because I made plans." All this was said in a super calm, sort of sleepy voice. I'm very careful how I phrase things, because, you know, he's like a firecracker.

I knew he wanted our evening plans to be a surprise for me, but he'd said all along that he had to work part of the day, and one other time he said he "might" take it off(I don't specifically remember him saying this, but he claims he did), but he never confirmed either way, so I thought it meant he was working.

The reason I was even frustrated is because I'm always last to know things, and he doesn't communicate even need to know things sometimes. We've had many a calm discussion about it, so I don't know why he got so angry today. He kept insisting I was "mad", and I kept telling him I wasn't. He refuses to believe me so often.

Why this led to him cursing me out, and raging at me, I have no idea. I left, and when I came back, he and my daughter were gone. I was online, chilling out, after my shopping trip(remember I'd wished he just wouldn't come home, because I feared another blow up). Well, he DID blow up again. He came in the bedroom where I was on my laptop, and he started being angry again. He asked a question, I answered(not rudely, and it wasn't a big deal), and he tosses something at me, and tells me he wants me "out of the house", to "just go to my Mom's and do what I want, with whoever I want the rest of the night", and "don't come home tonight". WHERE did all this overreaction, and rage come from?

Maybe I was supposed to be, oh so grateful, he stayed home? Maybe he hates holidays/birthdays(he loves his own though, and his kids)? Maybe he felt pressure to make things "nice" for me? I just don't know, I just know it was total overreaction and very, very verbally abusive. He said such hateful, mean things to me today.

We ended up doing the "surprise", which was a concert, but he fell asleep on the bed, told me I was not to eat(when I headed to the kitchen to eat something), but he slept past the time we were to leave, so we didn't have time for dinner at our destination before the concert. It's not like he put much effort into the planning of the day either. If he'd have let me in on some details, I'd have found a nice place to eat beforehand, and we'd have left on time. This is how he is with most things: zero planning, pay bills late, no research.

I appreciate the thought, but I feel this is why he is in hot water at work too. He just keeps repeating bad patterns. Plus, his moods last forever, he grudges, and he never truly gets over things. I don't feel a bad morning has to ruin the whole day, but HE views it that way. Plus, he doesn't get that if he's awful, that he needs to take any responsibilty, and he almost never tries any repair effort. That too he feels is MY job. I'm done doing that. I did it again today, and I'm now mad at myself for that.

Next time he wants to celebrate something, I certainly won't sabotage it, but I won't go all out the way I usually do. Seriously, today was total garbage, yet he kept blaming ME. I'm so sad that so many of us have birthdays, special occasions, and holidays sabotages or made supremely difficult by our BPD partners. It is helpful though to read that it doesn't just happen to me. It must be some sort of trigger for those with BPD... .

Thanks all for the birthday wishes. Those really mean a lot to me.  

[waverider]

This is how he is with most things: zero planning, pay bills late, no research.  

This is normal for an impulsive pwBPD, along with compromised communication skills. It is frustrating, but we have work around to lessen the impact on us. Without doing so we can't improve the relationship.

Identifying what causes us to be unhappy is a starter, how do we address this once identified?

To stay within the goals of this board do you have any suggestions on how to improve on how these dynamics play out?

[Daniell85]

Every year, my birthday, Christmas, and Valentines day are absolutely ruined for the last few years.

I think that you haven't really accepted that your BPD husband IS going to sulk and be disruptive. You had the lesson hundreds of times. As much as you want him to behave "properly" or make some kindly effort in troubled areas of your life with him, he is not going to do it, and if you confront him, no matter how gently, he is going to be offended and retaliate to hurt you.

You asked him to speak to your son. He didn't. Didn't you already know he would make it hard for you and it's more important to him to be focused on his "mad" that your child is visiting? After all, didn't he "win" already by making you so anxious that you chose HIM over your son? In your husbands mind this win is not to be challenged. He wants it to be a forever win.

And you are not on board with his ego on that.

It's really a simple concept but hard to practice:

Ignore him. Go about your business. Stop putting your expectations out there on someone who really doesn't want things to get better, or make you feel better, or help build you up. Because his perception is that building you up and is tearing him down. He doesn't want a win-win. He just wants to win.

Your best bet is just not to play the game. Have your son over. Enjoy him. Go see your family. Enjoy that. When your husband pouts, ignore him. When he has had enough of not getting some time to enjoy with you, he will change how he is handling things.

His payoff to continue his behavior is because he is getting results: you are hurt and angry and focusing on making HIM happy.

He is suckering you into it.

[Sluggo]

Has anyone else had pwBPD seemingly try to sabotage a day that should be a happy one for you?

Yes- Holidays are very difficult.  I have some bad memories associated with holidays.  Two of the worst were:

• Wife said she was divorcing me on Christmas and told the kids.  She never left.



• Just a few weeks ago during the week following the death of my father... .I found myself catering to her insecurities about going to the funeral and seeing my family. 

[ColdEthyl]

Every year, my birthday, Christmas, and Valentines day are absolutely ruined for the last few years.

I think that you haven't really accepted that your BPD husband IS going to sulk and be disruptive. You had the lesson hundreds of times. As much as you want him to behave "properly" or make some kindly effort in troubled areas of your life with him, he is not going to do it, and if you confront him, no matter how gently, he is going to be offended and retaliate to hurt you.

You asked him to speak to your son. He didn't. Didn't you already know he would make it hard for you and it's more important to him to be focused on his "mad" that your child is visiting? After all, didn't he "win" already by making you so anxious that you chose HIM over your son? In your husbands mind this win is not to be challenged. He wants it to be a forever win.

And you are not on board with his ego on that.

It's really a simple concept but hard to practice:

Ignore him. Go about your business. Stop putting your expectations out there on someone who really doesn't want things to get better, or make you feel better, or help build you up. Because his perception is that building you up and is tearing him down. He doesn't want a win-win. He just wants to win.

Your best bet is just not to play the game. Have your son over. Enjoy him. Go see your family. Enjoy that. When your husband pouts, ignore him. When he has had enough of not getting some time to enjoy with you, he will change how he is handling things.

His payoff to continue his behavior is because he is getting results: you are hurt and angry and focusing on making HIM happy.

He is suckering you into it.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, now he's sorry that he had three bad days. I'd say they were some of the worst we've ever put in together. I walked away, used the tools, even left for a while for him to calm down during these times. We've now also discussed it in marriage therapy, and BPDh says he addressed it in his DBT.

I went to my therapist a day early, to assess the situation for ME. Then we had marriage therapy, where BPDh brought the three days up. I was mostly quiet during our session, not my usual chatty self. We did a lot of listening to our marriage therapist. I didn't feel the need to vent, or defend, and I think I'm still just sort of recovering from the three bad days. BPDh can turn it off and on like a faucet, and while my moods are always more level than his, it's hard to just feel all is now "okay".

I really wish holidays and birthdays weren't so triggering. I even knew this, and used the tools, and still got not so great results. Using the tools does not insure that drama, choas, and unpleasantness will not happen, correct? It's just supposed to make things more likely to have a better outcome? I feel like every time the "tools" don't work for me, and I reread them, that I must be doing them wrong, because his reactions are often the same no matter how effectively I use the tools... .

Oh, and now his family is throwing him a surpise bday party this upcoming weekend, after how he treated me on my bday. His family never wishes me or my kids happy bday, and now BPDh expects me to attend(my SIL is mad at me for some reason she won't discuss, and it's at her house)... .happy, happy, joy, joy!

I do not feel like celebrating his bday a month after his bday, when I already went all out for him, got him something super nice, and we all went out, and he JUST did his deal level best to ruin my bday. I always try to be the bigger, kinder, nicer person, but this one is just sticking in my craw... .

[waverider]

I even knew this, and used the tools, and still got not so great results. Using the tools does not insure that drama, choas, and unpleasantness will not happen, correct? It's just supposed to make things more likely to have a better outcome? I feel like every time the "tools" don't work for me, and I reread them, that I must be doing them wrong, because his reactions are often the same no matter how effectively I use the tools... .

They are like good oil, they reduce the friction and can prevent faults developing. However they will not completely stop breakdowns occurring. They do however make it easier for you to not get so hot and completely seized up.

You can't come down from drama as quick (and hence be accused of being "immature' and holding grudges ) simply because emotions have to work their course, similar to the way grief does. Unfortunately pwBPD seem to get over emotions but that is not so, they don't worked their course, they are just shelved. Hence this is why they can be pulled back out of the memory and carried on with the same intensity.

[Ceruleanblue]

Waverider:

I don't really get hot, I'm more the get nervous, or break down and cry type, and a panic attack will show up the morning after a bad day. He rages and acts angry, I walk away, use the tools if I have to communicate, try not to JADE, and try to keep myself from getting nervous. That's almost always how it goes.

When I mentioned the grudge thing, he isn't accusing me of holding a grudge, I just know I'm still feeling badly about those three days. I don't want my choice to go or not go to the party to be based on me holding a grudge.

And yes, you are exactly right, BPDh doesn't reflect much after these things happen, he just shoves and stuffs his emotions(which is probably why he blows up), and so he can go from rage to acting like nothing happened once the rage wears off(in this case it took three days). For me, I stayed pretty calm throughout, but my insides and nerves were frayed. THAT is what takes time to recover. I don't have the mood swings he does either. I don't have huge highs, and low lows.

I just always feel that I should have better results than I do with the tools. This makes me question and reread them all the time. I guess I wish I got the results I'd read that some get just by validating, or using some of the other tools. Nothing has ever felt like "wow, that made a big difference". It seems he just has to phase out of it, and I have to wait it out. Giving him space is probably the most helpful, but a few times he felt ignored when I did that, so I have to be careful there too.

I do know that this week he did self reflect on what went wrong those three days. He did this in DBT, and slightly in our MC. I'm thankful for that.

[letmeout]

Happy Birthday! We need a balloon icon to use in here 

I know exactly what you mean about birthdays and holidays and the BPD craziness that ruins them.

Mine had terrible issues with jealousy surrounding any family member's birthday. I think its a very narcissistic trait, but when you throw the bp disorder in with it, it really sends them into a tail spin.

His selective amnesia drove me bonkers. You just can't communicate with someone who blocks out their own bad behavior, or projects it onto others. 

[tebone]

Any special occasion gets completely ruined with my BPD partner. She threw me an amazing birthday party then slept with someone the same night. Our first Christmas in our new house was spent with her family. They ended up having a screaming match between all of them she put her fist thru the wall and they left before presents. Fun times. It must just be the stress of the occasion. All I know is that since that birthday they have all been horrible.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, Valentines Day wasn't much better than my birthday. Another day that should have been good, and it ended up being "good" only for him.

I've already tried the whole "do my own thing, and leave him to sulk" thing, but what's weird is that he doesn't seem to ever get to the point where he then wants to connect. It's like the more space I give him, or take myself, the more distant he becomes. He'll sometimes say "you don't even want to be around me", which isn't the case, but it's how he interprets it.

I thought giving him space might result in him wanting to at some point reconnect with me. I do enjoy visits from my son, but I have to admit I'm always afraid of how BPDh will behave. When I go visit my family, I'm much more at ease, because BPDh is usually not with me.

Also, I certainly don't expect him to build me up, because he just is unwilling to, or incapable of having that mindset. It's not that I need anyone to build me up, but it is nice to hear nice things sometimes. I have a strong sense of self, and I guess that's good, because otherwise, all this would have really damaged my self esteem. I think he'd love to make me feel "less than", and to take on all these negative views he has of me. That is not going to happen. He may not like me, but I like me, and I don't need his approval, or words of affirmation(I'd like them, but I don't need them to feel good about myself).

Our anniversary is this wednesday, and I have ZERO expectations of him. I've come to the conclusion that he's ignoring special occasions just to be passive aggressive, or make some sort of hurtful statement(likely to "show me" how little I mean to him). So he will likely do nothing, and as that is now my new expectation of him, I'm now prepared. So, his attempt to hurt me, or "show me", or whatever it is he's doing, is not going to catch me off guard this time.

This also means that I'm likely going to be done doing special things for HIM on these days, because then I end up feeling even worse. Maybe I'll just do something nice for myself!

[Notwendy]

One idea with behaviors is to not go to either side of them- either ignoring the anniversary ( which is his behavior) or making an effort to do something nice ( what you have been doing). On one hand, ignoring it would be the same behavior as his. On the other, making an effort to do something nice for him could result in you feeling hurt when he doesn't do the same.

You did mention ordering him a gift. Knowing that the pattern has been for you to give a gift, and get nothing in return and then also see him sending something or money to his kids on the same day bothers you, then why repeat it?

Middle ground would be acknowledging the event, but not with huge effort, and then going about your business. Making some big plan for yourself could be calling attention to the issue, and it may result in him having a reaction to it. You can't control what he does, but you can refrain from calling attention to the conflict.

So, one idea is a card, not a mushy lovey dovey card ( because you are not feeling this way) but something cute or funny, with a nice, but not over the top message. Then, in the am, a cheerful peck on the cheek, "Happy Anniversary Honey" give him the card. Then you leave, run errands, go to the movies, shopping- whatever, and come home later. Say nothing else, do not react to his behavior or take any argumentative "baits". It's "Happy Anniversary" and then, just another day.

[Ceruleanblue]

I think that is an excellent plan, but I still feel I should give him the gift I got him. I mean, I'm not expecting he'll get me anything. I think why Valentines hurt me was that he has mostly not just "forgotten" a special occasion. Plus, he's gone out of his way to take me shopping to "make it up to me", but he'll take me places he says we can't afford the perfumes, or he takes me places where I can't smell them first! I feel he knows exactly what he's doing. Then, we'll come home, I'll say lets shop on ebay, but I lose him within the first five minutes, but my cute, 20 year old daughter will trot in, and he'll spend the rest of the night watching things on the computer with her. Just gross.

I'll likely give him the gift because, as you said, it would be weird if I go totally against what I always do. Plus, I'm not giving it just to get something back, because that's obviously not going to happen, most likely. But I strongly believe that two wrong's don't make a "right", so I'll still do the right thing. I just won't be planning or cooking a fancy dinner, or making his favorite dessert, and sex will also be off the menu if he extends zero effort beyond a card. I'm done rewarding bad behavior, and negligent behavior, and crappy behavior.

He did actually cancel his DBT that he normally has after work, when I asked him why he scheduled his DBT on our anniversary? He said he hadn't realized, that was our anniversary, which is probably true. Just sad when I know what a huge deal he made of special occasions in his past. I wish his kids, his family, and HE had never told me all that crap. I know comparing is not good, but as my therapist said, "it hurts because you know he is capable of it". Exactly!

I'd planned to go to one of my foodie group things on that day, because I had a strong feeling that he'd have other plans for that day(and he had in fact scheduled DBT for that day), but now he's horning in on going. He came to the last foodie group thing with me, and I hate to admit it, but I sort of have more fun without him. He's there, being his fake self, and I just want to say "yeah, he isn't really this nice guy he's portraying".

Plus, he blamed me for "all we do is sit around every saturday night", but we'd been doing fun things for most of the day, and only got home at night. Just the night before, I'd suggested going to "the bar"(I hate doing this, he loves it), so we could listen to the band, maybe dance, and he could drink(I don't drink). He didn't say okay, or anything, so I let it go. But then next night he's complaining that we "don't do anything". I brought up my suggestion of the night before, and that quickly shut that argument down from him. He wants to sit around, zoned in on his computer, then blame me. Not happening. I suggest things all the time, and try to make plans to do things with people. I'm beginning to think people just don't want to be around him... .