Sex with the BPD ex... He contacted me after 5 months NC..

[range4days]

Hello all,

I hope everyone is having a great Sunday! I have written about my heartbreak on here... .I was with my BPD ex for almost 4 years. We bought a home together, he moved three states away to be with me... .6 months after the house purchase he left me for a 17 year old (he is 26, I'm 28) I was devastated and have been for 7 months.

I went no contact in June. I just started getting texts from him "I miss the you when we were good" then that turned to " could we be friends if you don't bring up the past" to then " let's please have sex and see what happens"

I know I'm better than to be used for sex and I have started seeing someone but it doesn't come close to how I still feel about my ex. Do I meet him and "see what happens"? Maybe he'll get help? Maybe we can work now? He lives in my home state now 10 mins away from me. I miss him every day.

Thanks! Help!

[Daniell85]

Sensibly, you are seeing someone. Are you willing to break that up for some sex with an unreliable ex?

While I guess it's nice to hear someone you love still wants you in some way, he would have to up the ante to more than lets have sex and see where it goes, before I would drop my life and go to see where it goes after he uses me for sex.

What has he done to change who he is from a person who would run off with a teenager to a man who wants a mature relationship with you?

Has he been to therapy, for example?

[Aussie0zborn]

You bought a house together and six months later he ran off with a teenager? Wow.

And because he is such a responsible fine upstanding man, you are thinking of putting your emotional wellbeing back into the hands of this man? Interesting.

Seriously, I would decline the offer of sex and I would be using a dildo instead - maybe even two - and I'm not even a female. Why would you give him a chance to do further damage to your beautiful little soul?

He can't protect you from himself - this is your job. Be kind to yourself and get rid of him once and for all before the next teenager comes along. There are plenty of them out there and they just keep multiplying, the little rascals.

If you are willing to forgive the house and the teenager, you are a sitting duck willing to accept his next round of soul destroying abuse.  The abuse gets worse after each time you accept it. Say NO to the abuse.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

First of all your seeing someone.  If sex is that important then be honest with yourself and new partner and brake it off.  Then hurt your self all over again.  Trust me.  That's what will happen.  You had a house and a life.  That was thrown away.  Nothing about an ex missing someone mean that things have changed

[Lucky Jim]

Hey range4days, Agree w/those above.  What makes you think it will play out differently this time, if you return to your Ex?  If he has BPD, change is unlikely.  When you say, "maybe he'll get help,"  I suspect you know on some level that this is unrealistic.  It might be different if you said he is "getting help and currently in therapy," but you didn't say that.  Suggest you pause and think hard before jumping back into the soup with your Ex.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

I think we all sense that nothing is really changed with him.  It's good to always keep that in mind.  If he does in fact have a malformed personality, a romp with a teenager won't have cured him.  I think that's why skunks have a stripe down both sides - it's so once we see one we recognize it for what it is.  You know him now.  No more excuses. 

My thinking is that he woke up to reality and his fling ended badly.  As I guy I can vouch for there being a lot of things involved in a relationship - and really wanting someone back, and wanting to see where it goes.  Sure sex is part of it.  But, there is a lot more to it.  Like... .well... .uh... .ok, I might have to do some research.  But I could swear that there's another reason a guy wants to go back to a girl and "see where it goes."

[apollotech]

Daniell85:

What has he done to change... .[?]

range4days,

That ^^^^ is the question that you should ask yourself about him. If I were you, I wouldn't base my decision on a "maybe" or an "if" with a person that has already shown me that he/she is unstable. If you again enter the fray, you will have him as he is now, not as he may be at some point. Be honest with yourself about that.

[thisworld]

Range4days hi,

Imagine yourself in his situation - we all do crazy things sometimes, so imagine that it was you who left him and ran away with a 17 year old. And now you miss him and want to be with him again. How would you approach him? Would you say let's have sex and see what happens? (Assuming that you two have already had sex before so he isn't saying this to see whether you are bodily compatible?) How would you like to be approached after a shock like that? I think this is important because it would give him a message about your boundaries, what you can tolerate and what you will not tolerate, and that would shape your future dynamics.

Also, salvaging a relationship after something like this hard work for both people. Trust needs to be re-built transparently, with one partner having true remorse about having hurt their partner and be willing to do whatever it takes to repair the situation. The other partner would need to learn to open themselves to the risk of trusting. Do you think your ex is capable of doing the former systematically and maturely so that he does his share in rebuilding trust. So far, what exactly makes you think so?

Best,

TW

[C.Stein]

Also, salvaging a relationship after something like this hard work for both people. Trust needs to be re-built transparently, with one partner having true remorse about having hurt their partner and be willing to do whatever it takes to repair the situation. The other partner would need to learn to open themselves to the risk of trusting. Do you think your ex is capable of doing the former systematically and maturely so that he does his share in rebuilding trust. So far, what exactly makes you think so?

This is what destroyed me and my relationship with my ex.  When she betrayed my trust she did nothing to rebuild it, nor did she ever show any real remorse for how deeply she had hurt me.   Instead she pretended like nothing ever happened and avoided the whole issue.  I withdrew and distanced myself due of emotional pain and she did the same to avoid what she had done.  Nothing good comes from avoiding issues that need resolution.

The reason I bring this up is because of what range4days ex said about not bringing up the past.  This seems to be more of the same ... .avoidance of what he did and his unwillingness to accept responsibility for his actions and consequences.  He just wants to pretend it all never happened which leads me to believe nothing will change with him and the loop/cycle will just start over.

[Daniell85]

I can verify the "loop cycle".

OP hasn't come back to post. I wonder what is happening?

[range4days]

Too much to drink one night and yes, a text from him and I went over. I'm ashamed of myself and have been beating myself up. I wish it wasn't done drunk and I wish we had better conversation. He said he cared for me but also loves the replacement... .he said maybe in the future we'd be together... .F HIM.

I told him I loved him and he didn't want to bring up the past. Grrrrrr

Thanks for answering everyone. I'm the loser here. He probably thinks I'm an unstable drunk. Awesome!

[PEACHESNJ50]

Absolutely not. You should not talk to him at all or you will be sucked right back into the negativity. nothing good will come from it. I just broke up w my BPD bf and I know how hard it is but you need no contact. you are playing a very dangerous game.

[Cat Familiar]

If you open the door to him, it will probably turn out that you will be dealing with serial infidelity. I spent nearly 20 years with a man like that. Certainly you are worth more and there are better men for you than someone who disregards your feelings like that. No f@ck is worth that much.

[patientandclear]

Range4days: sounds super painful. A couple of things may assist in putting a crack in the longing and hurt -- may help you focus on what he is capable of and what kind of person he is.

He "also loves" the new woman? So what of his overtures to you? Imagine the messages he sent you a few weeks back from her perspective. That's what "love" means?

Even more important, let's return to your perspective. He cares for you. So that's why he pulled on your most tender heart strings and proposed sex?

He texted you something that led you to feel it would be a good idea to go over to see him, despite that he "loves" the new woman. Think about that.

At a certain point it dawned on me that the thing my ex loved best about me was saying no to me. He would seemingly be on the same page with me about creating a special bond ... .Then break it in one way or another. Finally realized that made him feel good. It's a control thing I believe, but regardless of the emotional "motive," he feels good when he says no to me, pushes me away. NOT the same thing as "he feels good when I am away." No--he loves having me around, close at hand. But why? So he can toy with and taste closeness and then reject it.

Looked at that way the ecosystem gets a lot less confusing than "how could he say he wants X and then treat me like this?" I realized a while back that that process of pushing me away is the pay off.

Your ex/BF is getting something out of you being in proximity so he can sample your adoration and then step away from you. It feels good to him. I eventually stopped participating in that ecosystem.