... .Truth be told I think it has gone on so long that I finally believe... .really believe, that I deserve a life of my own. Free of criticism.
I am not sure I trust getting close because she will do it again. Part of me thinks it is just better to mourn my loss and move on.
I understand how you feel. After a particularly painful blowout I would feel like I never ever wanted to live through something like that again and that it's better to just have no relationship.
That's all good and fine. Here's the thing though - she would contact us at some point down the road, and my husband's daddy heart in particular would not allow him to shut her out. And neither would mine.
So, here is where Boundaries come in BIG TIME: You
absolutely deserve to live your life in peace and in dignity. And, when our pwBPD "does it again" as they surely will, we can protect ourselves and keep the ugliness out of our lives with solid boundaries. No caving in allowed as that will only teach the pwBPD that it's no boundary at all.
We sometimes combine leaving our door open with restating a boundary: "We love you and we are always happy to talk to you as long as we can all remain civil."
We usually use the time of NC for two purposes: to heal (recover and live our own lives) and to work on the skills (especially boundaries) that we can use with love and confidence the next time.As for "Leaving the door open"? She knows my door is open.
Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't: that all depends on her present state of mind and on her current emotions.
My step-daughter forwarded us an e-mail a while back when she had a conflict with someone else, and below, there was the whole string of e-mails all the way back to when she wasn't talking to us and she was telling this person that 'my abusive family won't even talk to me because of the things I believe'.
She clearly thought at the time that we rejected her when the exact opposite was true.
So, there you have it.
What a great post thank you. It clarifies things so well, which is a tall feat when it comes to this confusing illness. I have been NC with my dd for the last 3 weeks. I decided to go NC after 2 months of her being ill & dysregulated, out of contact with me and her 2 1/2 yo daughter we have custody of, not coming for Christmas celebrations and then telling me and everyone else who will listen that I am cutting her out of her daughter's life, eliciting my help to sort the mess out and then not turning up or after she had got money off of me not going through with it, sending me really hurtful emails, repeatedly telling me the reason why she is ill is because I was a terrible mother.
I felt so ill myself, confused, couldn't think straight and a couple of times was worried about my blood pressure as I had this intense feeling of my eyes bulging and feeling pressure behind them, I thought I should have been admitted to a psychiatric hospital. But after 3 weeks without the craziness being in my day throughout the day I feel so much better. I'm not anxious about what will be the next drama. I do think it's time to think about reconnecting as she is my daughter and I don't want to hurt her, although I know this NC will have. But I do really need to think about what the boundaries are.
Over the last 5 weeks I have started having therapy and I realise that 1/2 the problem lies with me. I grew up with a mentally ill mother, probably BPD, drug and alcohol issues, and my childhood was difficult. I have realised recently I find it almost impossible to say no to people. I'm ok when I can't do something because I'm working but if it's something for me then I get a deep feeling of being uncomfortable and I am deeply conflicted and almost always decide to do the thing the other person wants. I lost my job and my mum died in June last year on the same day, which had a major impact on me but then was available 24/7 for my dd. I put no boundaries in with my dd around visiting her daughter, she could let us down, stand us up, leave me feeling resentful and hurt each time and therefore spoiling a day for me and dgd, and also meaning we had not made any potential plans for the day (possibly turning down an invite for the day) and instead ended up feeling resentful (me) and angry and moping around the house for the day. In the following days dd would call me, upset about not spending time with her dd and I would then make another arrangement, be flexible, give extra time all for the cycle to start again.
2 weeks ago I took control and changed visitation frequencies. Told my daughter contacts would be every other week rather than weekly as that seemed to be more manageable for her (actually it's more like every 3 to 4 weeks she attends but I will reduce contact again at a later date if fortnightly isn't achievable. At least now there is only the potential for once every 14 days to feel like I was feeling every week) and after the last visit (which was the 1st time she'd seen lo in 6 weeks when she'd been ill and contact was very strained and difficult and I couldn't get her to leave our house without a major incident starting) we would from now on have contacts at a neutral venue.
