Just when I was coping..

[Beacher]

My BPD husband filed for divorce last month and we had our first court date this week. We have been getting along very well since he moved out and is living with his mother. Of course he is miserable and in a ' very dark place', and tells me with every conversation how fearful he is of his future, how desperate and alone he feels, how much he loves me and is sorry for everything. He goes and has been going to a therapist several times a week and is on a boatload of meds. We went to court together and everything seems very amicable. Although when we were in the elevator he asked two men for directions to the wing we were going to and one of them said to follow them because they were going there and they asked him " are you a lawyer? He said 'no, I just look like one.' Argh... .

He sounded very good yesterday and told me he was going  to Ct to see some new work friends and was looking forward to it. I was very happy for him, especially because it is rare for him to socialize and thought this is just what he needed. He called me this morning and said he was not going because he was just in an accident that was not his fault (this has to be the 5 th or 6 th accident in a year that was not his fault). He began crying hysterically and saying he just wants a home and for someone to love him. Wanted to die and have me collect his life insurance. He has nothing to live for. I tried to get him to go to the hospital to be checked out. He said his windshield shattered and his air bags deployed but he was alright. Said the paramedic was annoyed with him and rolled his eyes because when they asked him what day it was he gave them a ridiculous answer. He also said everyone yelled at him- sounds like he was doing the same with the police officer who was not in the mood.I listened to all of this with sympathy and suggestions but he began to go into detail as to why our marriage did not work out and then became angry. I told him to go home and relax and to please call me later to let me know he was alright. Have not heard from him but sent him a text hoping he was ok. He was going to call his therapist.

I am really trying to hold it together here and was finally finding some peace being alone. I'm also recovering from back surgery and trying to get back to work because he is currently at a job that he thinks will end anyway because they are using him and out to get him. I hear about this with every conversation and have heard it before with other jobs he has had. The constant references to wanting not to live and he has no one are scary but the next conversation we have will be different. I tried reaching out to his therapist several times about this and she ignored me and not returned my calls. I finally wrote her a letter pleading for him this summer and she turned around and gave him the letter! Wtf?

I'm at my wits end trying to do the right thing for him and also to get on with my life and detach from this madness.

I really do love him but torn. Help!

Beacher

[Rmbrworst]

This all sounds really painful.  Whether he realize it or not, he's manipulating you and torturing you when he subtly threatens suicide.  You really should not tolerate it.

It also sounds like he's not liked by almost everyone he comes in contact with.  He sounds very toxic and abrasive.

You seem to always be putting yourself in the position of wanting to help him or save him.  It sounds to me like you should go No Contact for a long time, so that you can focus on yourself and emotionally detach from him. 

Sorry I can't be of more help but this is the way I see it

[Beacher]

Thanks , it's what I need to hear!

[vortex of confusion]

If you don't have kids with him, then there is no reason to remain in contact with him.

My stbx loves to pour on the "poor me" act. It used to make me sad and want to fix things and protect him. Now, I don't care. I see it for what it is. It is him trying to get me to have sympathy for him and feel bad for him. In the past, when I would feel bad for him, I would go into care taking mode and baby him. Now, I tend to ignore it. Or, there have been times when I have flat out said, "Are you suicidal? If so, I will call 911 and get an ambulance here to help you." He usually backs down and will back pedal and say something like, "You misunderstood what I said." His reaction to me not taking the bait and not giving in to the manipulation is comical at times. He acts like a little kid when he doesn't get his way and I don't feel sorry for him.

The hardest thing in the world to do is to limit contact (or go no contact) and stop being impacted by all of the stuff. It took me a long time to get to a point where I could shrug him off. Even when I do find myself getting annoyed, I tell myself, "Vortex, why are you surprised? This is the stuff he has been doing for years. You should be more surprised if he didn't do it."

It takes time. Your biggest concern should be doing what is right for YOU. If he makes threats of suicide, contact the authorities. If he is seeing a counselor, stay out of it. He has to do that stuff on his own. In the one couples session that we had, the counselor flat out told me that I needed to stop mothering him and let him take care of himself. He didn't like that one bit and it has been difficult for me to do. The counselor also told him that he needed to grow up.

At the end of the day, you have to take care of yourself and stop fretting over him. It is much easier said than done. 

[Beacher]

You are 100% right. I've been hearing these veiled threats for 10 years. I wish I could go NC but unfortunately we are in a financial clusterf--k and need to work together to get out of it. Our house is underwater so in lieu of alimony he is going to pay for the mortgage for the next 31/2 years and some bills so I can stay here. When that is done he will sign over the house to me to sell or if it's still underwater, offered to continue paying but would have a financial stake in it when we are finally able to sell.

He really is a generous, kind man but very, very sick. Last night he told me he is having a hard time living without me and hope we can find our way back to each other. He was the one who filed! I want to move on but feel so trapped. I just want to spend the next 31/2 years laying low and saving as much as I can to be free.

I tried to revisit his accident and the things he said, I told him if he is in that much of a dark place he should consider checking into a facility to give himself a break from the world and be surrounded by people that can help him for a good chunk of time. He became angry at first and said his Drs told him " never let anyone make you feel like you are crazy". Then changed the subject. So that will be my last attempt at suggestions but hope I planted a seed.

This sucks.