He admitted he has mental illness-does this mean there's hope?

[shawnav]

Hi All,

I've posted a couple of times, honestly not really sure which boards I posted to as I wasn't as familiar with how all of this works. But this is the first time I've knowingly posted in the "Undecided" board.

My quick story with my exuBPDbf: I met him almost a year ago online. It was tumultuous every day. Honestly, not sure if there was one day I saw him that we didn't fight. Of course, he always told me he "hates arguing", so he was constantly giving me ST and then when he would finally stop the ST and grace me with his presence he would tell me he didn't know if he wanted to see me because "I" argue too much. Of course, we all know they do things knowingly to upset us, which was precisely his MO. One of which, was never getting off the stupid website we met on. He was constantly on there. His excuse was that it was a "networking site" and he needed friends. He's a homeless man who honestly didn't have any friends that I ever met or knew of. So, I thought maybe that kind of made sense. But I still hated it.

Because he was homeless I did end up helping him out a TON financially. He made impassioned promises to pay me back, and quite honestly I do believe when he made those promises he did WANT to. He just didn't and still doesn't know how to put an action plan in place to follow. It's the impulsiveness of the illness, ya know? He absolutely can not follow through with anything and EVERYTHING changes on a day to day, sometimes moment to moment basis.

After dating him for 3 months, we had a fight about money and he left. Gave me the ST big time, this time for so much longer than any other time. After 7 &1/2 weeks I ended up finding his truck. He wasn't in it, so I slept in my car next to it all night until he came back the next morning. Dropped off by the new girl. I knew nothing of BPD before that, but that was what threw me into researching what the hell just happened. He went from declaring his love to me one day, having a small fight with me because I was stressed about supporting him and throwing me away to run into the arms of another the next. None of it made any sense and I knew it wasn't healthy or normal. So I started researching like crazy and found out about BPD.

Well, we went 4 months total of not being together. Then I started hearing things about him and saw him back on the website. So, we had contact in Sep. Again, I helped him out financially because his homeless situation had gotten even worse than when he was with me. We stayed in contact for a couple of months and then he disappeared and started ignoring me again. This time, I knew I hadn't done anything wrong. This time, I knew I had reacted far different knowing what I do about BPD than I had the first time when I didn't know anything. But he still left.

Then, a couple months later on New Year's Day he needed help again, so of course he contacted me. I did help him. But this time, we actually had a conversation about mental illness. He acknowledged he has a mental illness (we didn't name it and nothing was said about BPD), and I was able to say things to him about I NEVER thought I would be able to say about mental illness that I'd discovered. And he never got mad. I was floored! He just asked me not to call it mental illness because it makes him feel stupid. But he told me things about his childhood, things I KNOW are a very real source of shame for him, that I'm fairly confident he hasn't told many people, if anyone else. We talked about hospitals, we found one he was excited to go to, we made an appointment for him. He said he was going to go. All of this AFTER I had helped him, so he wasn't saying any of this to get anything more out of me. There was no incentive for him to tell me he would go to a hospital and go over all of the reasons HE believes he needs to go to a hospital and elaborate on them. And then the very next ST again. He's been online sporadically since the appointment time, so I'm pretty sure he never checked in to the hospital.

At this point, I know he'll come around again when he needs something. I know I'm someone he trusts probably more than most. But should I have any hope that he really will look in to getting himself help? BPD is hard, but adding homelessness to the mix wholly magnifies the dysregulation and delusions 1000 percent. I know I can't do this anymore until he does get help and there was a time when I would have said it was hopeless. But I also had thought it was hopeless that he would ever acknowledge he has mental illness. It's hard too. His ST and the fact that he hasn't been anywhere online in the last couple weeks makes me wonder does that mean 1.) He's with someone else? 2.) Is he in jail? 3.) Did he actually finally check into a hospital after having some time to himself to ponder it? 4) Is he even alive? He has tried to commit suicide before, so that is always a very real possibility too.

Not sure exactly what I'm looking for here, just curious what people's thoughts are of my situation. I'm the only one I've seen on here with someone they love with BPD who is homeless and has been living in their car for 2 years.

[Ceruleanblue]

What is his story before the two years in his car? Was he stable before then, or has this instability always been part of his life? I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[shawnav]

I know bits and pieces of his story prior to the 2 years in his car. I know he was in another state probably 2.5-3 years ago where, at that time, he met his ex-fiance. He told me they met while he was homeless then too, because he was sitting on a park bench and she came over and started talking to him. Befriended him and helped him out. I know he lived with her while they were together at some point after that first meeting. I don't know how long he lived with her, but I know it was long enough for her to have gotten pregnant. She later had a miscarriage. That's when he came to my state, after the miscarriage.

I also know about 7-8 months before I met him, he was living with an older gentleman who had befriended him kind of in the same way as his ex-fiance. My ex was living in his vehicle in a hotel parking lot that this gentleman lived behind. At some point, somehow they met and this guy and his wife housed him, fed him and cared for him. Then he asked them for a loan (after all that they had done for him), they, of course, said no and he split.

During that time that he was living with this couple, he had gone into a large church here in the area where he volunteered at a work opportunity event, met a pastor from the church and became good friends with this pastor. I've had long conversations with the pastor because he has a history with him that I don't. The pastor said while he was living with the couple, he was definitely significantly more stable. He went to church regularly, kept in regular contact with the pastor, worked fairly consistently, at least compared to now. All things I've never seen since I met him.

I also know prior to the ex fiance who had the miscarriage, he had lived in yet even a different state and had a girlfriend pass away from taking too many pills. He said she died in his arms. He idolizes her. I guess she must have died before he turned her to black. He's said she was also pregnant when she died.

There's so much to his story. It's not an easy life he's lived. Most of these people have had hard lives. He's spent time in prison, significant amount of time. There are things he tells me that I feel are pity party stories to manipulate me, but there are some things he tells me that my gut just knows are true. He's truly confiding in me.  I've been with him long enough and been through this song and dance so many times, my gut knows what I can believe of the crazy stories he tells me and what I feel I should question. What I shared are those stories I whole heartedly believe and have even seen evidence of.

So, to answer your question it seems like the instability has always been there, but definitely improved when living in normal, stable environments. I don't know if he's ever gotten help though. Never has he told me he has sought or been forced to get help. Knowing his stability can improve with simply improving his living environment makes me believe it will only improve even more with both a stable living environment and help. But will he get help? Now that he's acknowledged his need? I've offered to let him live with me, but half the time he finds reasons to not come over to my place. ie "I change when I'm in my home" so that always starts fights and "he hates arguing", or he doesn't like my neighbors (I live in a condo) or my HOA, or he "gets negative vibes around my place", etc etc etc. He says he wants stability and I believe he means it when he says it. But that's in a moment of clarity which seems to go just as quickly as it comes. Those moments are so fleeting.