Small things

[Lollypop]

Just ranting.

It's the small things that drive me mad. They niggle and eat away, unsettle my balance.

Regular pattern emerging of BPDs (25) leaving the house about 11am returning in the small hours.

I try and justify this "but he isn't working tomorrow so ... .". It's just not right. We have school and our own lives and I just don't sleep well knowing he can slip back into the house at some unforesaken hour. Aaaaaggghhhhh.

Boundary talk needed.

Rant over

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Dibdob59]

I can understand why that would concern you - it would concern me also.

Do you know where he is going at that time of night or what he may be doing? 

I am guessing that your mind is working overtime - there are very few places to go or things to do at that time of night which don't bring with them a some fear, worry or concern.

Are you able to talk to him about this and do you believe he will be honest in his reply?

Dibdob

[twojaybirds]

It is your house and your rules.

You can change that rule.

I got a keypad door lock when my dd moved back in for a tad.

I gave her a number just for her, and then I removed it when she left.

I found this to work well in my situation.

[Lollypop]

Hi

I've been living in a place called "la la land".

Bpds25 returned home 8 weeks ago. He's settled into his old pattern (as back in early 2015). He'd said he'd changed. We'd said we'd changed and, actually hand on heart, we have but only in one respect. We no longer wag that finger at him, we understand he's not well and needs compassion. We've reconnected to him (well, I have but there's a serious problem in the relationship between my husband and BPDs). It's been calm.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this and just writing. I'm being brutally honest.

We love our BPDs but don't want him living with us. Not because it's the best thing for him, but for us.

I don't worry about where he goes or what he does. He's an adult and makes his own choices.

I'm frustrated because I've allowed myself to hope again. I started to have expectations and that is a dangerous place to be because with expectations comes disappointment.

We have given him yet another chance. Yes, things have significantly improved but his behaviour really isn't acceptable. His priority, he says, is to save up and leave but his actions say the opposite.

I know we should put boundaries in place. But I'd rather he just leave. I currently don't feel guilty about this but I do feel anxious when I think about having the conversation. We've given up. There's nothing more we can do at this present time. Bpds always does the bare minimum while expecting us to carry him.

I've got to go now. Just venting really. It helps me think

Thanks for reading

L

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollipop. Sorry I've been absent, busy work time over the last week or two, so catching up.  Top of my list of small things is DBT treatment, and that is what DD and I have agreed on, unfortunately the waiting list is long. Having agreed on this has taken the heat out of it and we are able to address life, focusing on one thing at a time.

Like you, I could throw my DD from home tomorrow. Without treatment she would come back forever time and again and live a very unhappy life. I'd never wish that upon her.

I can see it's tricky for you. I can only recommend you focus on one thing at a time, treatment above all. Hope that makes sense?

WDx

[Lollypop]

Thats good advice.

I guess time is what's needed and to focus on the positives. Bpds has actually come a long way. I had a good chat yesterday using my new skills to talk about money. It went very well. Fingers crossed he'll start putting money aside.

We wobble when we start thinking we're going back to how things were. We're in new territory and trust and faith are hard. Reality is that we can never trust again - he has BPD, but we can help him move forward, as long as he's helping himself. It's a fine line we tread.

He's working every day next week. This is obviously good news. His telephone assessment is Tuesday and I've no idea what he'll decide to do. I can guess though.

Bpds has agreed to try a trial of supplements. I've learnt that magnesium depletes when stressed. Also cod liver oil helps the cognitive process. Importantly, they can do no harm.

Was your D sick as a young child? My BPDs was. He had a string of illnesses until we moved out of the city when he was 9. His physical illnesses just stopped and he appeared to be very healthy, obviously we now know his mental health was quietly deteriorating. Oh, if I could only turn the clock back.

Thanks for the advice. One thing at a time.

He's in charge of his own mental health. I will try and continue encouragement in seeking treatment.

Meantime, he learns money management. I'm sneaking in a second thing: supplements.

L