advice for guidelines with adult BPD daughter

[stormyfarm]

To make a long story as short as I can, my 27 year old daughter has BPD. We have been raising her child since birth ( is 4 now) because she refused to care for her. She is in denial about this and said we "stole" her. Anyway she has basically been living out of her suitcase moving from friends houses (some very questionable people who are on drugs and in and out of jail) to new boyfriends. She has lived in 4 different states in the past 3 years and now asked to move back home for a "week" She uses the excuse to see her child but I know it's only because she has no where to go at the moment. When she comes here to visit she turns our entire home upside down. She gets in fights with everyone and leaves her stuff all over the place. She has even left pills and lighters out where her child could get them. I feel bad but can't let her come back.  How can I get over this guilty feeling?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[RunningWithScissors]

There's no magic pill to make parental guilt go away.  If you have clear boundaries, and are secure in them, it's much easier.

Perhaps you could offer support in other ways, but resist the temptation to solve her problems for her.  If she asks to stay, just reply 'No, that's not an option.  What other resources/options do you have?  How can I help you find an alternative place to stay?'.  Repeat.  And repeat.  Try to resist getting sucked into the vortex of JADE if she insists she wants to stay with you. 

I've done this myself with my BPD stepson.  It's tough.  I remember losing count of how many times I said 'No, that's not going to happen... .' when he insisted on some boundary-stretching idea.  Maybe keeping it generic and keeping me/I statements out of it helped (i.e. not saying 'I'm not going to let you stay with me).  Keep the focus on your child and what she can do for herself.

The FOG will clear, I promise, but it takes practice.

[donnab]

The parental guilt is such a killer. I have found a few simple meditations help me when I'm overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. I have one where I just close my eyes and repeat "I can say no". It helps the gut wrenching feeling subside enough to work out what I am feeling and what I want .

I also have custody of my granddaughter and I know how torn I can be with feelings of guilt, hurt when my dd says I am cutting her out of her daughter's life. But I know I have to be strong for the sake of my gd as well as myself. I've been reading a book which says 90% of what your BPD says about you should be ignored because they are seriously mentally ill. This has been a revelation to me. I have been told for years everything is my fault, but the reality is she is projecting her feelings on me.

I have decided to reduce my contact with my dd. Contacts between her and my gd have been reduced and I will no longer allow contact at my house, we have to go to a neutral venue to meet. This way if she is disordered and the contact isn't good we can leave.

You don't have to have your daughter at your house. But you have to make that decision yourself

[lbjnltx]

hi Stormyfarms,

You are in a tough position here.

Try to focus on protecting your grandchild first and foremost, run all your decisions through that filter.  It may help relieve some of the guilt of not allowing your daughter back in your home as her primary residence... .even a temporary one.

Offering support to find another place for her stay is a good idea that Runningwithscissors brought up... .this too may relieve some of your guilt feelings. 

This is all very counterintuitive for us as parents and it is our reality and it does stink to the inth degree.

lbjnltx