Is it possible to talk about separating or is it something you just have to do

[Lucky Jim]

It's like a breath of fresh air for me because before all I focused on was my husband, that was a very lonely and unfulfilling existence. I no longer care what he thinks of me, I no longer care if he even wants to be with me. It's like my brain clicked that I matter and I need to take the steps that are right for me, not for him.

Right, Cloudy.  You have discovered the key.  Many of us Nons have care taking tendencies, I suspect, which leads to an unhealthy dynamic for the care giver as well as the recipient.  Returning to self-care is a big step in the healing process.  Keep up the good work!

LuckyJim

[Cloudy Days]

I think I still caretake but it is mainly things that I would do for myself anyways. Cleaning the house, taking the trash out, cooking dinner, the scales are still tipped unevenly and I don't think they can be tipped back because I clean the house for me, I take the trash out for me, I clean the yard of sticks for me. I try to leave him to do his own laundry   I have pride in my home. He doesn't seem to have pride in anything these days. I have sympathy for him that he is depressed but I can't be dragged down by it any longer.

He has therapy today, usually his conclusions after therapy is that he needs to move so he can smoke pot 

[Grey Kitty]

I think I still caretake but it is mainly things that I would do for myself anyways. Cleaning the house, taking the trash out, cooking dinner, the scales are still tipped unevenly and I don't think they can be tipped back because I clean the house for me, I take the trash out for me, I clean the yard of sticks for me. I try to leave him to do his own laundry 

That you are taking care of the house and he is not is (most likely) a sad reality you have to accept.

Whether you let things go, or do them yourself, what matters is WHY. Doing it for yourself because that is the kind of house you want to live in is healthy. Excellent work on your part.

If you do something because you want him to figure something out or learn a lesson for it... .or DON'T do something for the same reason, that is unhealthy.

 It really is tough living with a partner that is more of an obstacle than a partner.

[Cloudy Days]

It really is tough living with a partner that is more of an obstacle than a partner.

Yes, I can imagine that if he were not there, there would probably be less to clean, he doesn't seem to ever throw away his trash or rinse his dishes but I want a clean home so it gets cleaned. He lets the dogs out and in and will feed and water them. It helps that he at least cares about their well being.

What gets to me is that he often tells me that I broke him of wanting to clean his home because of how I clean! Which is stupid because I am not a filthy person. We both have our own hobby rooms and his is filthy, mine is spotless and organized. It amazes me how they can really blame everything on the other person. I may not be hobby homemaker but compared to other people our age, our house is spotless most of the time.

[flourdust]

It really is tough living with a partner that is more of an obstacle than a partner.

What gets to me is that he often tells me that I broke him of wanting to clean his home because of how I clean! Which is stupid because I am not a filthy person. We both have our own hobby rooms and his is filthy, mine is spotless and organized. It amazes me how they can really blame everything on the other person. I may not be hobby homemaker but compared to other people our age, our house is spotless most of the time.

Aren't the BPD excuses amazing?  The theme of BPD partners who refuse to do housework runs throughout this site. My wife has told me that she can't vacuum because the noise is too loud. She can't do laundry because she gets vertigo when she bends over to use the dryer. She can't wash dishes because I'll tell her she doesn't do them right. She doesn't have to pick up after herself because our friends don't care what our house looks like. She doesn't clean the bathrooms because ... .well, actually she claims she DOES clean the bathrooms and gets offended and prickly, even though there's no evidence of her cleaning. She doesn't clean because she's lost motivation and doesn't care. (That one, at least, is probably true.) And my favorite of her excuses -- she doesn't clean because I won't let her!

By the way, my wife DID move out a few weeks ago. The place IS cleaner.

[formflier]

And my favorite of her excuses -- she doesn't clean because I won't let her!

By the way, my wife DID move out a few weeks ago. The place IS cleaner.

That is a "help me understand, " special right there.  You won't let her clean.

How are you doing with her out of the house?

FF

[flourdust]

I'm doing well. Busy and a bit stressed, but no more so than before. It helps that I don't have to deal with explosions every day, tiptoe around the house or avoid areas because she's ready to go off, and all of the other fun she brought into the home.

Still in transition right now -- movers only came today, and my wife is currently texting me because she doesn't have cable yet or a bed, and she wants me to gush sympathy at her. Meanwhile, I'm dealing with D10 having a bit of a meltdown, so I'm not giving the wife much attention. Here's the current text exchange. This shows the self-centeredness of BPD.

Wife: I'm lookng at the cable company and it all has a 1yr contract requirement.  Is that what you saw or am I missing something?

Flourdust: I saw that too. I think all cable has a contract. I'll keep looking though. I might have a cheaper idea.

Wife: Oh. I was gonna try tonight. I was hoping to try and get something set up on Friday. Drat. It's really lonely to be stuck completely alone and not even have television or Internet for distraction. Distraction is one of the skills used for distress tolerance. Locking oneself in a 700sq ft apartment with limited resources and only unknown & unfamiliar sounds while trying to sleep on the floor or in a chair is not distress tolerant. It's deteriorating.

Flourdust: I don’t see anything without a minimum 1 year agreement.

I have to go. D10's calling.

Wife: So I get nothing

[formflier]

Lovely text exchange, you should have validated the last thing.

"yep, nadda, zilch, good night, "

Ouch, anyone thing FF had a rough evening with his pwBPD?

She started in on the "you don't work thing" on the same day I got a paycheck."  I called her a liar and offered to show the paystub.  (one of my more adult moments I've had in a while, sigh)

FF