STBXWBPD Broke in 3 Months

[KaishaMikasa]

I split with my wife of almost 18 years on Nov 10.  When she left she had no credit card debt, she left with $50,000 in bank accounts and makes $90,000 a year with very few bills.  Now in recent weeks she has stopped paying rent (she lives in one our rentals) she has past due utilities and has been showing signs of financial stress.  My sons spent the last couple of days with her and while there she showed them that she now has $11,000 on credit cards.  Yes she bought some furniture but it was from Ikea and therefore not expensive. 

My question is how in the hell she could have burned through that much money and if anyone else has experienced this with their exes.  Could this just be that she is playing broke victim or is this something like drugs or buying friends/boyfriends?  If you can share experiences I would appreciate it.

[Herodias]

I guess she didn't show him the bills showing what she bought? Mine spent allot of money on hotel rooms at one point. Things are pretty expensive these days... .I would think it would be pretty easy depending on what she is doing... .Does she have a new car by chance? New clothes, purses, shoes? Who knows... .not being responsible with money is one of the things they do. Mine hasn't paid his credit cards since last June. Lost his position at work. Had to have the best of the best when we were together... .now trying to live on nothing. Hard to know, they put themselves in that position and then do the poor me/ victim mode... .looking for help. They do try and buy people, so all of your thoughts here are possible. She may be thinking you will help her out... .

[KaishaMikasa]

Well ladies and gentlemen it is official she is broke.  She text me today that she broke and can't pay rent and is shuffling balances between credit cards.  Unbelievable!  To my estimation she has blown $64,000 and her salary.  She has only a few clothes and about $5000 worth of furniture to show for it all. 

[kells76]

Hi ehartma5!

Money issues & debt seem not uncommon with people who have BPD or similar traits. My DH's uBPDxw would simultaneously complain about "how much" DH spent on himself (like renting an apartment and buying food  ) while not batting an eye about receiving well over the required amount of CS on time every month directly from DH.

How do you think your xw's behaviors might affect you now? Do you have any legal responsibility for her debts?

[KaishaMikasa]

Not really sure but I don't think I will get stuck with the debt.  The accounts are separate and everything was after the split.  The bigger concern is now that the cash is spent can she take it off her asset list.  My other concern is if she ends up with any property and it goes into default prior to her refinancing.  I think if she tried to put the debt on me I could force her to provide documents and most would be bar tabs.  I hate it that my kids are going to watch her implode.

[ForeverDad]

Without receipts and statements you won't be sure whether she blew through the money or hid some of it.  It's hard to imagine her squandering that much in 3 months so I do suspect some of it has been squirreled away.  If she stonewalls you may have to have the court assign a Special Master or forensic accountant to determine where it really went.

She may try, well, she's likely to try to wriggle some more money out of the marital assets split.  You'd have to consult with your lawyer about the legal aspects of denying a "do over" but no one (except her) would guilt you for trying to have the assets at separation time be what are considered in the financial reconciliation.  Your stance could be that she purposely 'squandered' (or hid) her portion of marital assets within 3 months.  Whether she planned it or not, she did consciously make it disappear to somewhere.  If it's a settlement, then you can stand fast and refuse to budge or at least not by much and then with documentation where it went.  If a settlement can't be reached and it ends up with the judge deciding and ordering then you and lawyer can still state your case to the judge and see what happens.  (My experience is that women often get at least some default consideration.)

My story... .I always quoted my retirement account balance from separation time.  Nearly two years later when we and lawyers sat down for financials my lawyer turned to me and quoted that old balance.  I didn't dispute it and neither did they.  Though my Ex is somewhat frugal, she unrealistically tried to start a business and I heard her half of what little we had to split was gone in a couple years.

Be very careful about letting your decisions be influenced trying to hide her behaviors from the children.  Hiding the facts usually only benefits the one misbehaving.  It is what it is.  Besides, they likely already know/suspect some or most of this anyway.  They need a good example and that's you standing for firm boundaries of behavior.

You have a real problem with her living in one of the (marital?) properties.  You may not be able to do anything about it during the divorce and it will be hard to get the rent back as a line item in the financial settlement.  (A lot gets skipped over when the financials are settled.)  It would have been best if she lived somewhere where it would have been a business relationship between landlord and tenant.

Warning, Will Robinson... .If she gets any material assets (vehicles, properties, etc) that could have loans, mortgages or liens then be very sure you name is totally off any encumbrances BEFORE you hand over any quit claim deeds.  You don't want to risk any lenders, tax agencies, bankruptcy people coming after you!  And no, just because domestic court says you're not responsible doesn't make the lenders ignore you.  The lenders will look at their contracts and insist you pay up and then try to get it from her which you know she'll never do.  Only rarely and after much effort can you get domestic court to enforce its own orders.

Similarly, if you will keep any material assets (vehicles, properties, etc) then you have to be sure you get signed quit claim deeds BEFORE she gets the last of her material assets.  Why?  You know you will comply as legally required but you can't expect her to reciprocate.  You need Leverage to make compliance more likely.  You can't risk getting stuck with her problems.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I would suppose that in most jurisdictions, financial losses after legal separation are separate issues.  If you were legally separated before she blew through the money, you should be off the hook.  That sounds like something your atty could reasonably pitch.  And if not, she dissipated marital property if it was not separate - and therefore gets a black-eye in front of the judge.  That may help in rulings for court costs / division of assets.

Crazy people do crazy things.

[ForeverDad]

Don't assume she blew through her cash and cards in 3 months with bar tabs.  That's $700 or more each day.  Bar tabs can't be that high unless she's buying for groups.  In an earlier post you mentioned she wanted $120K credit to her.  Since you didn't agree, I suspect she's squirreled a lot of her money with someone or somewhere she hopes you won't find it.  Your lawyer had better not be a forms filer and hand holder.  You need one experienced with proactive measures and resources.  Probably you will need a forensic accountant to follow the money.

[KaishaMikasa]

How broke is she and how broken is she?  well here is the text she sent me today.  "After seeing Brian the other day I've been thinking a lot about definitions and I owe you an apology.  I always assumed we defined the words "cheating" and "affair" the same, but we made a mistake by never actually defining them.  That is a mistake I won't make again.  Now I understand that the definitions are actually very subjective and just because based on my definition I didn't have an "affair" doesn't mean that according to your definition I didn't.  So I'm sorry."

That's right folks it's not cheating it was just a matter of word definitions.  Well I'm glad she cleared that up!  I guess she can just come on home and get some more money.  Brian by the way is her Psychologist.  Now I know it's wrong but I went and responded with this."Chasing men and having "inappropriate conversations " with them is cheating.  I'm certain you have or are sleeping with other people now.  You are right you will never make that mistake because you will never be in that position with me. Your behavior in front of our children before and after the split showed me you cannot be trusted.  You live in a constant state of manipulation and anger.  For years you have been angry with me, done things to hurt me and played games with me.  I was simply the person that you used for things and blamed for all of your issues.  Now you have blown through all your money and it's time for an apology.  I hope you are getting help for our sons sake.  If you will get real help and work at it I will help. However, I am not going to stay married to you I'm better without you."

[Bushido]

I split with my wife of almost 18 years on Nov 10.  When she left she had no credit card debt, she left with $50,000 in bank accounts and makes $90,000 a year with very few bills.  Now in recent weeks she has stopped paying rent (she lives in one our rentals) she has past due utilities and has been showing signs of financial stress.  My sons spent the last couple of days with her and while there she showed them that she now has $11,000 on credit cards.  Yes she bought some furniture but it was from Ikea and therefore not expensive. 

My question is how in the hell she could have burned through that much money and if anyone else has experienced this with their exes.  Could this just be that she is playing broke victim or is this something like drugs or buying friends/boyfriends?  If you can share experiences I would appreciate it.

my stbexBPD is like that . . has no control when it comes to money. . . and now that we are in divorce procedure then she wants to split

the dept 50/50...

thanks but no thanks

[Bushido]

How broke is she and how broken is she?  well here is the text she sent me today.  "After seeing Brian the other day I've been thinking a lot about definitions and I owe you an apology.  I always assumed we defined the words "cheating" and "affair" the same, but we made a mistake by never actually defining them.  That is a mistake I won't make again.  Now I understand that the definitions are actually very subjective and just because based on my definition I didn't have an "affair" doesn't mean that according to your definition I didn't.  So I'm sorry."

That's right folks it's not cheating it was just a matter of word definitions.  Well I'm glad she cleared that up!  I guess she can just come on home and get some more money.  Brian by the way is her Psychologist.  Now I know it's wrong but I went and responded with this."Chasing men and having "inappropriate conversations " with them is cheating.  I'm certain you have or are sleeping with other people now.  You are right you will never make that mistake because you will never be in that position with me. Your behavior in front of our children before and after the split showed me you cannot be trusted.  You live in a constant state of manipulation and anger.  For years you have been angry with me, done things to hurt me and played games with me.  I was simply the person that you used for things and blamed for all of your issues.  Now you have blown through all your money and it's time for an apology.  I hope you are getting help for our sons sake.  If you will get real help and work at it I will help. However, I am not going to stay married to you I'm better without you."

[/i]

woww . . .

i feel inspired after reading that...

thank you