Be Careful What You Wish For

[Notwendy]

I think that at any point before marriage, one can backtrack or decide that it isn't going to work just as much as deciding to go ahead and make the commitment.  Isn't that the goal of dating? Initially, there is attraction, but if you gain information along the way, then this may or may not change the decision.

As hard as it is to backtrack when dating, it is much harder after commitments like moving in/marriage. This doesn't make it easy, it isn't easy, it is just that the stronger the commitment, the harder it is to make a change. Marriage- is the hardest- legally, spiritually, financially.

I think this is hard, and there is probably no way to say it without your BF feeling bad about it. It is probably very hurtful and triggering. However, if it is true for you, then to not address it is to not be truthful. I honestly don't know how to say this without a reaction.

Having had to work on co-dependency issues, I can understand this as I have also felt the discomfort of honoring my feelings or not upsetting someone. In my FOO, we were expected to do things that we didn't want to do in order to avoid upsetting people. Naturally the main person is my mother, however, this also extended to her FOO. I recall having family events that I didn't want to invite them to, but my mother insisted, so I did. Then, it didn't stop at that. She would add more and more to the pleasing them request- oh you have to have their favorite drinks, oh no, not that restaurant- must go to this one and so on until the total cost/guest list kept growing and she wasn't paying for it. Then she would come and it was one request after the other. All I can recall is agreeing so to not upset her, and then finding myself stressed and resentful.

So eventually, I said no to all of them on the guest list, and the reaction was as expected- raging, anger, all of it. But you see, none of this was easy. It was a battle between my serenity, my money, my party or trying to keep my mother happy. If she was someone who respected my boundaries in the first place, it would not have been hard to either invite her or to say I want to have a private event- because people who don't react like this don't, but people who do react, do.

[HurtinNW]

Don't feel bad for what you didn't have and don't know.  We all have "holes" in our life that need us to do some work and get the personal growth going.

Validation is huge for me.

So is listening (without being critical)... .maybe listening with my emotions vice my head.   I know for sure there are a bunch of ladies out there that "get" part of my wife's perspective about "needing to be heard".  It's not about the details, it's about her emotions.  I get that in my head, but have a hard time putting it into practice.

Anyway... .HurtinNW, good on you for realizing you have a gap in the male role model area.   I would be intentional about working on that for a year or two and then re-evaluating. 

I'm even more please that you realize you are afraid to let him fail.  Watching someone fail and struggle is hard.  It would be even harder for me to "rescue" them from the consequences, knowing that it would short circuit their growth prospects.

My oldest son is a super smart guy.  Missed acing the ACT by 1 point.  He got a bit full of himself in high school and I saw a train wreck with an AP class coming a mile away.  I spoke to him about it, he assured me it was all under control and my wife and I both made a wise decision to let him blow it.  And he did.  Flubbed the test and all that work was for nothing.  However, the growth that came from that failure was huge.  Consequences drive change!

What could a plan to fill in your "male role model" gap look like?

FF

FF, I've done the same with my kids. I'm good about letting my kids learn from their experiences. And not surprisingly, I have some super awesome responsible young adult kids who are successful in life despite having disabilities.

Much harder to watch my boyfriend fail. Much, much harder... .maybe, honestly, because I don't see him as having the drive to do better. It's hard to admit I am afraid to let him fail because I fear he will not learn, not pick himself up.

As for male role models, I've been a single mom for some time, but I have made a point to give my kids good male role models. My oldest son has worked since age 14 in a law firm, and has a mentor who is a police officer. They spend a lot of time volunteering together, being at the Special Olympics, that sort of thing. My other kids also have male role models, including teachers.

A male role model for me? I'm a little old to get adopted But it is a thought that I have never had older male friends who took on a fatherly role with me.

My FOO was a very mentally mother, BPD and alcoholic, and the man I called my father is a registered sex offender. Gives you an idea of what I grew up with. I am one of those stories where people of horrific childhoods end up thriving. I have turned most of my life experiences into success, including adopting my kids. But this relationship has been a real challenge. It has made me aware of how much work I need to do on me, especially the codependent, lack of value for myself part.

[formflier]

 

Hey, the question has been asked about "how" to address this with the BF.

While I don't know the particulars of where the convo has been left at, I would say don't bring it up.  Let him.

Please have a well thought through answer that you have rehearsed a time or two.  Remember, less is more.  Remember, JADE is bad.  Remember to own your feelings and decisions, no blame.  

When he brings it up, then you will know it's on his mind, and unless it is a horrible time for you, I would go for it.

"I don't think that is a good idea, "  "My priority right now is to raise my family.  I value our r/s and want it to continue, but I don't see changing it right now being a good fit for me."

Stop, breathe, listen.  :)o not get into details.  Express confidence in him to solve his issues,

How does this sound?

FF

[formflier]

  It's hard to admit I am afraid to let him fail because I fear he will not learn, not pick himself up.

There is your answer,

Making decisions out of FOG is, you can fill in the blank.

FF

[HurtinNW]

Hey, the question has been asked about "how" to address this with the BF.

While I don't know the particulars of where the convo has been left at, I would say don't bring it up.  Let him.

Please have a well thought through answer that you have rehearsed a time or two.  Remember, less is more.  Remember, JADE is bad.  Remember to own your feelings and decisions, no blame.  

When he brings it up, then you will know it's on his mind, and unless it is a horrible time for you, I would go for it.

"I don't think that is a good idea... "  "My priority right now is to raise my family.  I value our r/s and want it to continue, but I don't see changing it right now being a good fit for me."

Stop, breathe, listen.  :)o not get into details.  Express confidence in him to solve his issues... .

How does this sound?

FF

Here's my concern of how it will go with him:

BF: "Why isn't it a good fit?"

He's going to want to know. I am wondering if I should rehearse an honest answer that sounds as positive as possible. Such as, "Right now I think we are both facing a lot of stresses. It would be too much for me for us to live together right now."

I can hear the things he will say:

BF: "Well, what do you need from me?" (this is a favorite approach of his. He asks what I need and then doesn't do it. I avoid answering this at all costs).

BF: "You've been saying all along you want commitment. Now you are changing your mind."

BF: "Is this about me? What am I doing wrong?" and so forth.

He's going to press for details. Or sink into a maudlin depressive fit. Probably both. Both fill me with dread.

I think as notwendy says he is going to get hurt and triggered no matter what I do. I don't want to not be truthful, either, or buy into feeling I am responsible for protecting his feelings to the point of hiding my reasons from him.

Ugh, this is hard. Happy Valentines day to me! LOL

[formflier]

Boy, I"m getting pretty heavy in this thread, hope others can hop in as well. 

Anyway, don't go there.  Your focus is on your family right now a change in r/s status and location would upset something you don't want upset.

You owe him an answer if he asks you a question.  I don't believe you owe him an explanation.  If he asks, and you give an answer, he then owes you respect for that answer. 

I figured he would ask those type of questions.  I don't want to sound like I'm beating up your BF, but, it's going to sound that way.  Remember the speech about men/boys jumping under the goal.

Those questions are coming from someone that is measuring the height of the goal, because they don't want to waste extra effort jumping too high.  Ugg, judgmental of me I know. 

I see this in the military as well, it's not just a r/s thing.  The ones that do really well are aware of the requirement, but they don't pay much attention to it because they know they are so far above it, it doesn't matter.  Rarely have I seen a Sailor do well that passed the physical test by 1 point, consistently over the years.  The guys that blow it out of the water are the ones that do well.

You are precious, your heart is precious and your family is as well.  Do you really want to move someone in when there are questions about him moving in.

If there is a question, then there is no question, (think about that for a minute)  What would it take for a guy to convince you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he deserves to be in your house.  You don't have to tell us, but I recommend you know that answer in your head and heart.

FF

[Notwendy]

Our parents are our first role models for relationships. It isn't a wonder that so many of us have dysfunctional FOO's.

We have to do the work of gaining emotional maturity and seeking healthy ways to relate to people.

HW,your accomplishments are impressive. Still, growing up without parental emotional support can leave us wondering what normal is.

Yes, he may "bait" you and react to what you say. This is the release of pain for them. They don't know another way to be, and it is difficult to say no, which is why we tend to avoid it.