Is it worth it or salvageable

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We were basically talking daily for six months. It started out as affair. She divorced her second husband.  We started dating. For about 9 months dated heavily.  Then 7 months she lived with me.  During dating and right after she started living with me. I had been single for a couple of years and had female friends or ex girlfriends I still kept in contact with. Not sure why. Habit. Or fear her and I wouldn't work out.  It became an issue on a couple of occasions. And I lied to her about it after she had moved in. So I know I made mistakes. 

The relationship ended abruptly in November.  And I've been reaching out to her too much. She responds typically.  Usually short. Unless she is self loathing or needs something.  We went on a four day weekend trip to see her son for his birthday. 

I love her still and want her back.  But she says she doesn't want that.  And it pains her too much etc. yet we had a great time on our trip.  And made love several times.  Tonight we have plans as well. And it will be good too.

I probably should move on and such. But I do love her. 

I wonder what the chances are she will ever want to try again? 

What should I do or what have others done in this situation.

[Scopikaz]

We were basically talking daily for six months. It started out as affair. She divorced her second husband.  We started dating. For about 9 months dated heavily.  Then 7 months she lived with me.  During dating and right after she started living with me. I had been single for a couple of years and had female friends or ex girlfriends I still kept in contact with. Not sure why. Habit. Or fear her and I wouldn't work out.  It became an issue on a couple of occasions. And I lied to her about it after she had moved in. So I know I made mistakes. 

The relationship ended abruptly in November.  And I've been reaching out to her too much. She responds typically.  Usually short. Unless she is self loathing or needs something.  We went on a four day weekend trip to see her son for his birthday. 

I love her still and want her back.  But she says she doesn't want that.  And it pains her too much etc. yet we had a great time on our trip.  And made love several times.  Tonight we have plans as well. And it will be good too.

I probably should move on and such. But I do love her. 

I wonder what the chances are she will ever want to try again? 

What should I do or what have others done in this situation.

[C.Stein]

Scopikaz, you haven't answered my question from the other thread.

Why do you want a relationship/marriage with this woman? 

You need to answer this question as honestly and as completely as you can.  I love her is not an answer.

Furthermore, as you have pointed out above, trust has been shattered between the two of you.  This will be the most difficult thing to overcome and may be impossible to fully repair.  This is something that will require a lot of hard work, acceptance and commitment from both parties.  Are you honestly capable of this ... .is she?

This is only one thing you need to think about here.

[Scopikaz]

Why do I love her?  Why do I want to be with her?  First and foremost not the sex. Our relationship started out for three months of messaging back and forth on fb. Deep messaging. Sharing. Emotional on both sides. Honesty on both sides I think. 

And so it wasn't based on physical at first.

And throughout the relationship she seemed so good in so many ways.  Intellectually.  Humor.  Sensitive side. Love of children. How she seemed to crave my time and attention.   Great conversation between us.  Laughter.  Having fun.

And all the little idiosyncrasies about her too.  Too many to name.   We Just seemed to click.

I saw a life with her. A life we were building together.

I don't know.

[C.Stein]

I don't know.

This is the most important thing you said in that post.  

Many of the things you have listed are superficial, surface things.  You can get these things from many different people, she is not unique in this respect.  Identifying positive aspects of a person is certainly helpful but the deeper and more meaningful questions have not been answered.  

What makes her unique and special to you in a way no one else can.  Not sex, not laughing together, not shared interests.  How does she positively impact your life and how do you positively impact hers?  Can you continue to grow as an individual and will she support that growth ... .and visa versa?

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

Best advice anyone can give you... .is run, run, run, and don't ever look back... .youre ex wont.

[C.Stein]

Best advice anyone can give you... .is run, run, run, and don't ever look back... .youre ex wont.

His did look back, as do many.  As you become more familiar with this forum and peoples stories you will find a majority do come back around.  Yours did not ... .mine did not and we represent the minority here.

[Caley]

Scopikaz,

I've read through a great deal of your posts ... and, in them, I can feel your frustrations and hurt.

Have you considered looking into the propensity to 'save people' and what you might derive from it, and why?

Have you considered that no matter how hard you try at being kind, helpful, supportive and on hand to address, help and 'fix' someone else's 'stuff' ... what you are actually doing is denying them the right to help themselves. Much of this is done on a subconscious level and there isn't any intention other than 'good will' towards another.

The thing is Scopikaz it isn't truly helpful and it isn't being truly kind, either to your SO or you.

You enter the situation as a fixer/rescuer ... she disappoints ... and then you become the victim. If you're willing to accept that this is what's really happening you'll begin to make big steps forward.

She doesn't want you to fix her problems ... you are interfering and she feels in a position where she feels less than, below ... not equal.

You can be there for support ... and I believe, if you showed her that you can be there to support her without 'taking over' ... she might just yield a bit and begin to trust you again.

Best wishes.

[Scopikaz]

Well. We spent last night together.  The thing is it started out great.  Went to musical.  Then back to a bed and breakfast for the night. But this morning i got deep.

I can't keep doing this. I've said all I can say. Done all I can do. I want to be there for her. Feel I love her. Am trying to be unconditional.  But ultimately I want to be with her.  Marry her one day.  She doesn't want that.

I've got to let her go. I've got to let go and let God. And if he's going to bring us back together it will happen. Although no. She's not really looking back as someone said.

It's me doing all the asking and reaching out. Not her. 

If I can finally go no contact (I did for a week so I know I can) then maybe I will get clarity and never look back.

I'm going to try it.  True no contact would mean blocking her on my phone too. Maybe I'll try that too I don't know. But I know for starters I won't message her again.

And I will finally unfollow her on fb I think.  Because to see her having fun will only cause me pain. 

[Caley]

Good for you ... go for it.

[C.Stein]

If I can finally go no contact (I did for a week so I know I can) then maybe I will get clarity and never look back.

Don't put a time frame on clarity.  I am 6+ months post discard and I still don't feel like I have complete clarity.