35 yrs. Usually go N/C for a couple years every decade but long overdue

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

I'm new and mine is a cautionary tale.  The years go by faster than we realize and suddenly decades have passed... .

I may be way dumber than I thought, although my BPDxh is a clever bait and switch expert. Usually we go no contact (well, we think it's over at the time) for a couple of years every ten years or so but this time we're still in the post divorce recycle of 2000.

My question is for anyone whose BPD partner has become seriously ill:  Did they completely dysregulate, as mine tends to do, or are there any examples of illness serving as a wake up call to stop the craziness?  That last part may be too logical for this condition.

Therapy is a waste of time for him, he's classic with his criticism of the therapist and their "technique". Validation makes him worse too.

However, I'm working with a professional to transmute remaining co dependency as well as the excessive "helper" part of my personality, the part that goes into overdrive with all of BPDxh's illnesses. The part that he doesn't acknowledge or appreciate. I think that is part of the FOG.

Reading the posts here helps me gain strength to move away from this unhealthy pattern, despite feeling jaded.   

Ok, thanks for reading and suggestions are welcome!

[ob-la-di]

Hi,

I'm new and mine is a cautionary tale.  The years go by faster than we realize and suddenly decades have passed... .

I may be way dumber than I thought, although my BPDxh is a clever bait and switch expert. Usually we go no contact (well, we think it's over at the time) for a couple of years every ten years or so but this time we're still in the post divorce recycle of 2000.

My question is for anyone whose BPD partner has become seriously ill:  Did they completely dysregulate, as mine tends to do, or are there any examples of illness serving as a wake up call to stop the craziness?  That last part may be too logical for this condition.

Therapy is a waste of time for him, he's classic with his criticism of the therapist and their "technique". Validation makes him worse too.

However, I'm working with a professional to transmute remaining co dependency as well as the excessive "helper" part of my personality, the part that goes into overdrive with all of BPDxh's illnesses. The part that he doesn't acknowledge or appreciate. I think that is part of the FOG.

Reading the posts here helps me gain strength to move away from this unhealthy pattern, despite feeling jaded.   

Ok, thanks for reading and suggestions are welcome!

[Suzn]

Hello ob-la-di 

My question is for anyone whose BPD partner has become seriously ill:  Did they completely dysregulate, as mine tends to do, or are there any examples of illness serving as a wake up call to stop the craziness?  That last part may be too logical for this condition.

I think it's hard for anyone with a serious illness to remain "regulated" consistently. The possibility of losing one's life would definitely be scary. This would not be a time where a disordered person, who already has issues with self regulation, to see the light and stop their dysregulation.

Therapy is a waste of time for him, he's classic with his criticism of the therapist and their "technique". Validation makes him worse too.

He has to want therapy for himself in order for it to be successful. What are you validating? 

However, I'm working with a professional to transmute remaining co dependency as well as the excessive "helper" part of my personality, the part that goes into overdrive with all of BPDxh's illnesses. The part that he doesn't acknowledge or appreciate. I think that is part of the FOG.

Good to hear you are working with a therapist. I think you're right that FOG plays a role. It would be difficult for anyone to care for someone they loved with a serious illness. What does excessive helper look like? What are you doing that he could reasonably do himself?

[Cat Familiar]

Adding illness to BPD certainly is a heavy burden for the "non."

My husband recently was diagnosed with high blood pressure and he started feeling bad due to its effects and saw his doctor. He did make a big change in that he greatly reduced his alcohol use, which had been a decades long habit.

I was beginning to believe he had no concept of cause and effect when it came to self-soothing with alcohol. However, hearing from his doctor that he needed to cut back severely and exercise regularly seemed to be enough to actually get him to make those changes.

He too, is very analytical about therapy. He just needed a therapist as smart as him.

[ob-la-di]

Thank you for the thoughtful responses.  Regrettably, validation makes him much worse which seems to be a paradoxical response. 

His illness is under control, and isn't life threatening (a blood disorder).  He was given a number of completely wrong diagnoses which sounded scary so it's understandable that he now mistrusts the doctors. I don't trust them either! If you ever get a diagnosis of MDS, keep digging and cross reference a 23andme type genetic profile.

And I know what you mean about needing an intelligent therapist; we've known a number of bright psychologists and psychiatrists over the many years but it's obvious BPDh hasn't been motivated to work toward sustainable growth. 

He has made a number of attempts to work through his childhood trauma.  His father was an NFL player who obviously has the concussive syndrome CTE we're hearing about so much these days.  Apparently he learned early on it was acceptable to rage incoherently.

The most disturbing things lately are his out of pattern accusations that I "want him dead" or am trying to "poison" him.  My late sister was poisoned by her husband so maybe that's rumbling around the subconscious?  Such ramblings do damp down my urge to be the super helper, that is the one who likes to be liked and approved of.  (alcoholic mother here).

In the early days I used to tell him that he was quote using his phony mental illness as a weapon. He can be so "non" for extended periods that it does seem like he's faking the crazy as a way to be manipulative.  He probably is.  There were other names for this condition before borderline but they'd be beeped out by the mods, .

Thanks again for the support and insight!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey o-bla-di, o-bla-da, I'm unsure of your current situation.  Are you divorced from your BPD ex?  Do you have an ongoing r/s post-divorce?  Do you feel responsible for your Ex?  Fill us in when you can.

To answer your question, and this is only based on my experience, I would say, No, that acting out during a period of dis-regulation is unlikely to serve as a wake-up call, because those w/BPD are loathe to take responsibility for their own actions.  It's always "caused" by someone or something else, because admitting their flaws is too scary and painful.

LuckyJim