Did he throw down the gauntlet?

[unicorn2014]

Was he throwing down the gauntlet?

Twice calls dropped on me today, the first  after he had called me and I told him what I was doing and the second after I asked him what was keeping him from communion since we were no longer in a sexual relationship. To me it felt like he hung up on me so I put my phone in do not disturb mode . What does the board think?

It looks like he has not called me back as I saw no voice mail from him as I was closing out my apps so I'm leaning to the side of he hung up on me.

-----

He sent me these texts.

Phone died

But you are right we not in a relationship that would prevent me from taking communion... .

Not sure what we have


As it keeps changing

Calked back

You must be on a bus

have a good afternoon

I am tired of his nonsense . This was my response.

Yes I am. Thank you. You as well.

He came back with a hurtful jab:

Fantastic then keeps it up

Later

So I said

Yes I am on a bus. Thank you. You have a good afternoon as well.

just in case he didn't understand me.

If this is an opportunity for me to stand up for myself please let me know how .

[unicorn2014]

It continued . He said this

Talk with you after your meeting I am going to work in a project until then

See ya

Called

Left a message

Calendar is current

and I replied with

I see. I thought you were going to sleep. Ok. See ya.

I am really not in the mood for him today.

---

He left me a message and he sounded annoyed. I really don't want to deal with him right now.

[Grey Kitty]

... .after I asked him what was keeping him from communion since we were no longer in a sexual relationship.

That sounds like a provocative statement to me. I'm sure it somehow flowed from your conversation. I don't think you chose to go LOOKING for a fight by saying this.

However, let me ask you--can you see how it would be provocative to him?

And what do you suspect made it somehow feel 'right' or 'natural' to say that?

[Sunfl0wer]

If this is an opportunity for me to stand up for myself please let me know how .

You both sound a bit on edge with one another.

Stand up for yourself in regards to what?

What were you looking for from him that you did nit get?

[unicorn2014]

... .after I asked him what was keeping him from communion since we were no longer in a sexual relationship.

That sounds like a provocative statement to me. I'm sure it somehow flowed from your conversation. I don't think you chose to go LOOKING for a fight by saying this.

However, let me ask you--can you see how it would be provocative to him?

And what do you suspect made it somehow feel 'right' or 'natural' to say that?

Its Valentine's Day and he said some really sappy stuff to me as if it's somehow supposed to mean something to me:

Hi Cupcake

Happy V day dear

(You have the distinction of being the only person I have ever wished that too as odd as that might seem)

You are the love of my life

I responded with

Alright

For being the love of your life you sure don't seem to want to answer the phone

I called you 3x

and he said

What an odd thing to say to me

Oh well

Its Valentine's Day, and the man who proposed marriage to me almost 4 years ago is still married to someone else. Meanwhile other girls my daughter's age have functional stepfathers, who are married to their mothers, not someone else.

I don't feel anything for my partner right now, least of all love.

Somebody at church asked me if he was coming out here yet, this person knows he is still married.

I'm tired of being sympathetic and empathetic to my partner.

I'm just burnt out on the whole relationship. That about sums it up. I wish there was someone else I wanted to date as I would be out of my relationship faster then a speeding bullet but there's no one else. This is miserable.

[unicorn2014]

If this is an opportunity for me to stand up for myself please let me know how .

You both sound a bit on edge with one another.

Stand up for yourself in regards to what?

What were you looking for from him that you did nit get?

This is what he responded with

Right

Feel up to writing some solo stuff have something things to with out

GK suggested in my last post I learn how to stand up to my partner so I'm asking if this is an opportunity for me to stand up to him.

I'm looking for my partner to stand up and be a man and take communion again.

I don't know what his problem is. He proposed marriage to me yet he won't even go to communion. I'm sick of it.

[unicorn2014]

If this is an opportunity for me to stand up for myself please let me know how .

You both sound a bit on edge with one another.

Stand up for yourself in regards to what?

What were you looking for from him that you did nit get?

He said this

Well your communion question reminded me of where or relationship is at

and what kind we have now so yes in I am in edge

So he admits it.

I have nothing to say to him.

He carried on an adulterous relationship with me for 3 years before I finally caught on.

I am not happy with him right now.

He had the audacity to wish me happy valentines day even though his divorce hasn't been filed yet. I don't care if its his wife fault. He should have never put me in this position in the first place. Yes, I'm back to feeling resentment. I wish I were rid of him. I'm very conflicted today.

----

He also said this:

Which is why I am no longer going to sleep and instead work in some solo material... .

Paint when I am feeling good, write solo music when I am not

Simple

I did not respond.

He is blaming me for his bad feeling.

I am not going to pick it up.

I read that people with borderline play the blame and shame game.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201111/borderlines-and-narcissists-both-blame-storm

I'm not interested.

Oh, I also found this on Facebook

Your response dear

Your response

I am definitely not going to get involved with that. He can stew in his own juices as far as I am concerned. I'm not jumping into the soup.

[Sunfl0wer]

GK suggested in my last post I learn how to stand up to my partner so I'm asking if this is an opportunity for me to stand up to him.

When I hear 'Stand up for yourself' to me it implies standing up for your values via enforcing boundaries.

What value is being challenged?

[Grey Kitty]

I'm looking for my partner to stand up and be a man and take communion again.

That doesn't seem like good boundaries to me. Isn't it his choice whether he takes communion or not?

I can understand why you care about it. But it isn't your choice, and not your place to try to make it for him. Just like his progress on his divorce--it matters to you, but is his choice, and you have very little influence even... .and when you try to get involved, it starts a fight.



What I was talking about on the other thread was standing up for what you believe and what you want. For yourself, not what you want him to do.

The first example that came to mind was that sometimes you get really irritated at him, and don't want to contact him. Here's how I would see standing up for yourself in that situation.

If you don't feel like calling him, don't call him. Honor your own feelings. Simple as that! *

*Except if you have a previously scheduled call coming up and you don't feel like that either. In that case, either not answering, or not calling at that time seems rude and provocative. In that case I'd give him a short text at or just before the scheduled time indicating that you won't make the call. Make it about how YOU are feeling, not about him. ("I don't feel up to a facetime now" NOT "I don't want to facetime because you aren't taking communion" You don't need much detail here--if you wanted to give him lots of details about how you were feeling, you would want to be in contact with him!

Try to do this from a point of view of protecting yourself (and your relationship with him) from what you would say if you did talk, and what you would hear when you said something ugly and he dysregulated next. ... .not to punish him for his bad behavior. (This is subtle. When he behaves badly, you do feel bad and have things you need to protect yourself from... .it is easy to fall on the wrong side of this)

If he calls you, you might text back "Sorry, I'm not up to a phone call now."

NOTE... .even if you aren't doing this with the idea of punishing him... .he is likely to accuse you of something like that. If it is not valid, don't JADE about it. Actually even if it is valid, don't JADE :P

[unicorn2014]

GK suggested in my last post I learn how to stand up to my partner so I'm asking if this is an opportunity for me to stand up to him.

When I hear 'Stand up for yourself' to me it implies standing up for your values via enforcing boundaries.

What value is being challenged?

Let's see, my valentine is still married to someone else and is not receiving communion. My values state that I am involved with someone who is also a member of my religion. My partner and I aren't sexually involved anymore so I don't understand what his problem is. His receiving communion would be a way to bring a spiritual unity into our relationship that isn't there now.

----

[unicorn2014]

I'm looking for my partner to stand up and be a man and take communion again.

That doesn't seem like good boundaries to me. Isn't it his choice whether he takes communion or not?

I can understand why you care about it. But it isn't your choice, and not your place to try to make it for him. Just like his progress on his divorce--it matters to you, but is his choice, and you have very little influence even... .and when you try to get involved, it starts a fight.

Like i said to sunfl0wer if he were to take communion it would bring a spiritual unity into our relationship  that is lacking now. He grew up in the religion I converted  to yet he left the church way before he met me. His current marriage is not and was not a religious one, yet he wants to have a religious marriage with me and he's not receiving communion yet? It sounds like nonsense to me.

What I was talking about on the other thread was standing up for what you believe and what you want. For yourself, not what you want him to do.

The first example that came to mind was that sometimes you get really irritated at him, and don't want to contact him. Here's how I would see standing up for yourself in that situation.

If you don't feel like calling him, don't call him. Honor your own feelings. Simple as that! *

*Except if you have a previously scheduled call coming up and you don't feel like that either. In that case, either not answering, or not calling at that time seems rude and provocative. In that case I'd give him a short text at or just before the scheduled time indicating that you won't make the call. Make it about how YOU are feeling, not about him. ("I don't feel up to a facetime now" NOT "I don't want to facetime because you aren't taking communion" You don't need much detail here--if you wanted to give him lots of details about how you were feeling, you would want to be in contact with him!

Oh we're not face timing anymore.

Today I had to eat lunch with my daughter's friend and her stepdad who is my age and it really hurt. I want a man like that in my life, a straight ahead man who is married to me and is helping me raise my daughter like she's his own, not the nonsense I am dealing with now. It hurts, bad.

Try to do this from a point of view of protecting yourself (and your relationship with him) from what you would say if you did talk, and what you would hear when you said something ugly and he dysregulated next. ... .not to punish him for his bad behavior. (This is subtle. When he behaves badly, you do feel bad and have things you need to protect yourself from... .it is easy to fall on the wrong side of this)

If he calls you, you might text back "Sorry, I'm not up to a phone call now."

NOTE... .even if you aren't doing this with the idea of punishing him... .he is likely to accuse you of something like that. If it is not valid, don't JADE about it. Actually even if it is valid, don't JADE :P

I suppose I do feel like punishing him for keeping me on hold for almost 4 years and for thinking he's entitled to love from me. If I didn't know any better I'd accuse of him being narcissistic, but then I'd be confusing him with my ex, which he also accuses me of.

I'm just not happy with him today.

Today I don't want to be in this relationship, however my alternative is being single and frankly that doesn't look any better then this messed up relationship. I wish a straight ahead available man would come into my life. I thought this guy was the one. He's not. He thinks I'm the one. I don't.

[patientandclear]

Unicorn, once again, you are communicating to him about side issues (whether he wishes you happy V-Day) rather than about the core issue.

Perhaps "I'm sorry, that was a nice sentiment, one I would ordinarily really love to hear.  But I'm struggling with your unavailability to really be with me in a real relationship due to your marital status. Rough day here on that account."

Do you see that that comes from the same place but is clear, not passive aggressive, not confusing?

It sounds like you are asking  yourself some fundamental questions about what you want, which is great.  It also sounds like you are enduring some renewed frustration because of his ongoing failure to keep his word to you about the divorce, which is completely understandable (your feelings, that is).

[unicorn2014]

Unicorn, once again, you are communicating to him about side issues (whether he wishes you happy V-Day) rather than about the core issue.

I don't know where you got the idea I was communicating to him about how I was feeling. I was communicating to the board about how I was feeling. I didn't say a word to him about how I was feeling. Can you please show me what it is I said that led you to believe I was actually saying those things to him as opposed to the board?

It sounds like you are asking  yourself some fundamental questions about what you want, which is great.  It also sounds like you are enduring some renewed frustration because of his ongoing failure to keep his word to you about the divorce, which is completely understandable (your feelings, that is).

At this point the delay is his wife's fault, but that doesn't change things for me emotionally. If he wasn't married I wouldn't be in this position in the first place. He actually called me back after his phone died and we had a pleasant conversation so I managed to circumvent picking up the gauntlet by posting here instead!

[Sunfl0wer]

Let's see, my valentine is still married to someone else and is not receiving communion. My values state that I am involved with someone who is also a member of my religion. My partner and I aren't sexually involved anymore so I don't understand what his problem is. His receiving communion would be a way to bring a spiritual unity into our relationship that isn't there now.

So it sounds like your values are:

That your SO should receive communion?  Or be unmarried?

What boundary can you set around this?

We cannot control the actions of others, all we can do is be true to our values, live them.

What would honoring your values look like?

[Kwamina]

I am glad you ended up having a pleasant conversation with him. Perhaps it is best to leave it at that, at least for the rest of today.

At this point the delay is his wife's fault, but that doesn't change things for me emotionally. If he wasn't married I wouldn't be in this position in the first place.

I understand your frustration. Yet I also think looking at things like this might give too much power to the other person. Whether he is married or not, you do not have to be in this position if you do not want to. If you choose to extricate yourself from this situation, you also wouldn't be in this position. What I'm trying to say is, focusing on your own role and the choices you can make, is more empowering than focusing on the behavior of others (i.e. the delay caused by his wife, him still being married). Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, regardless of what his wife does or doesn't do, you always have a choice and the power to extricate yourself from this situation. You do not have to be in this position of waiting for certain things to happen that you ultimately have no control over, if you do not want to. You cannot control what he and his wife do, but you can control what you do yourself. How does this sound to you?

[unicorn2014]

Let's see, my valentine is still married to someone else and is not receiving communion. My values state that I am involved with someone who is also a member of my religion. My partner and I aren't sexually involved anymore so I don't understand what his problem is. His receiving communion would be a way to bring a spiritual unity into our relationship that isn't there now.

So it sounds like your values are:

That your SO should receive communion?  Or be unmarried?

What boundary can you set around this?

We cannot control the actions of others, all we can do is be true to our values, live them.

What would honoring your values look like?

sunfl0wer, I can not control either of those things but I could tell my SO I would like it if he would receive communion. What do you think about that?

[unicorn2014]

I am glad you ended up having a pleasant conversation with him. Perhaps it is best to leave it at that, at least for the rest of today.

At this point the delay is his wife's fault, but that doesn't change things for me emotionally. If he wasn't married I wouldn't be in this position in the first place.

I understand your frustration. Yet I also think looking at things like this might give too much power to the other person. Whether he is married or not, you do not have to be in this position if you do not want to. If you choose to extricate yourself from this situation, you also wouldn't be in this position. What I'm trying to say is, focusing on your own role and the choices you can make, is more empowering than focusing on the behavior of others (i.e. the delay caused by his wife, him still being married). Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, regardless of what his wife does or doesn't do, you always have a choice and the power to extricate yourself from this situation. You do not have to be in this position of waiting for certain things to happen that you ultimately have no control over, if you do not want to. You cannot control what he and his wife do, but you can control what you do yourself. How does this sound to you?

This sounds good and I am not sure what to say in response. I would like to be able to walk away from my relationship however I am not. Today somebody at church asked me if he was coming out here yet. This was a person who did not know he was married, and whom I told he was married. I kind of felt encouraged by the fact that she still accepted my partner. I kind of feel like if I can keep my distance from my partner until he gets divorced then things are going to be ok. Does this sound off?

[Sunfl0wer]

Honestly, I much prefer the advice of the Blue Parrot and am grateful to see his reply as he communicates on the boards more thoughtfully and caring and wise than I.  It is a good example for myself to learn from.


Sage advice from Blue Parrot:

I am glad you ended up having a pleasant conversation with him. Perhaps it is best to leave it at that, at least for the rest of today.

[unicorn2014]

Honestly, I much prefer the advice of the Blue Parrot and am grateful to see his reply as he communicates on the boards more thoughtfully and caring and wise than I.  It is a good example for myself to learn from.


Sage advice from Blue Parrot:

I am glad you ended up having a pleasant conversation with him. Perhaps it is best to leave it at that, at least for the rest of today.

Yes I am not picking at the valentine's day thing.

My relationship is shameful to me.

I would like to be able to feel good about it.

I know that I am being very patient with my partner.

If I had somebody else to date I would but I don't.

Being able to feel good about my relationship and my partner are very important values to me.

[formflier]

sunfl0wer, I can not control either of those things but I could tell my SO I would like it if he would receive communion. What do you think about that?

I would really recommend letting him sort out his communion issues, without questions or nudging from you.

Focusing your time and energy on whether or not you take communion or perhaps your daughter, now that sounds like time well spent to me.

FF

[unicorn2014]

sunfl0wer, I can not control either of those things but I could tell my SO I would like it if he would receive communion. What do you think about that?

I would really recommend letting him sort out his communion issues, without questions or nudging from you.

Focusing your time and energy on whether or not you take communion or perhaps your daughter, now that sounds like time well spent to me.

FF

I have not asked him about or nudged him about communion, and I won't after reading your post. My daughter and I receive every time we go to church, nothing to talk about there.

[Grey Kitty]

I have not asked him about or nudged him about communion, and I won't after reading your post. My daughter and I receive every time we go to church, nothing to talk about there.

Good for you.

I think the really frustrating thing about this kind of business is that he has very poor boundaries, and seems to fairly consistently do/say things that encourage you to get into this kind of fight / control battle with him over stuff like this. (Or his divorce.)

[Grey Kitty]

THIS

My relationship is shameful to me.

[... .]

Being able to feel good about my relationship and my partner are very important values to me.

You can't change him.

You can't change his marital status. (#1 thing you find most shameful about the r/s if I am reading correctly.)

You tried changing the relationship to one which is smaller, more distant as a result, and from what I've seen of your posts, this hasn't given you much more peace about the situation. (I also think he has resisted such efforts mightily, trying to pull you back in emotionally, so you may not have achieved the distance you were hoping for.)

You don't want to change your values. (And I'm not suggesting you do so.)

As I see it, that leaves you with a very hard choice.

[Sunfl0wer]

My relationship is shameful to me.

[... .]

Being able to feel good about my relationship and my partner are very important values to me.

Can you list or name exactly what you find shameful and is preventing you from feeling good about the relationship?

(I suspect I can guess, but do not want to put words in your mouth)


What choices would you be faced with?  What would taking control of those things look like?  Do you find yourself facing obstacles within you in regards to taking control?

I like what Kwamina expressed:

I understand your frustration. Yet I also think looking at things like this might give too much power to the other person. Whether he is married or not, you do not have to be in this position if you do not want to. If you choose to extricate yourself from this situation, you also wouldn't be in this position. What I'm trying to say is, focusing on your own role and the choices you can make, is more empowering than focusing on the behavior of others (i.e. the delay caused by his wife, him still being married). Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, regardless of what his wife does or doesn't do, you always have a choice and the power to extricate yourself from this situation. You do not have to be in this position of waiting for certain things to happen that you ultimately have no control over, if you do not want to. You cannot control what he and his wife do, but you can control what you do yourself. How does this sound to you?

(I am not trying to repeat what you already have discussed, it just seems like your struggle remains and you are still confronted with the same difficult issues.)

[formflier]

[

I think the really frustrating thing about this kind of business is that he has very poor boundaries, and seems to fairly consistently do/say things that encourage you to get into this kind of fight / control battle with him over stuff like this. (Or his divorce.)

Unicorn2014,

You have heard my advice to step back to gain space and perspective on issues before.  I sort of took my own advice and stepped back from posting in your threads as much.  I was concerned that I was clouding the issue, vice helping (which was my intent).

In these complex and dysfunctional relationship dynamics it can be very easy to focus on details that don't matter or details that make a situation worse.

I'm going to toss out an idea for you, Grey Kitty and others to evaluate and comment on.  Perhaps it will be helpful.

Before I put out my idea, Unicorn2014, I realize that the status of his marriage is a core issue for you.  I'm not suggesting otherwise.  I am suggesting that looking at it in a new light just might provide a pathway to something healthier for you.

What if we look at the divorce not as the "problem" but as a tool that he uses in a dysfunctional way to keep Unicorn2014 engaged/interested/involved in a r/s that she clearly has had issues with for a long time?

Much of the advice and lessons we learn on bpdfamily involve first learning to identify "tools" that pwBPD traits use to keep "nons" off balance and "under their control" in a r/s and then finding healthy ways that the nons can negate the power of those tools and live a healthy/full life regardless of the choices that their partner makes.

Does this help?  I'll hush for now and let others comment for a while.

FF

[adventurer]

In three different posts on this thread you wrote:

"I wish there was someone else I wanted to date as I would be out of my relationship faster then a speeding bullet but there's no one else."

"Today I don't want to be in this relationship, however my alternative is being single and frankly that doesn't look any better then this messed up relationship."

"If I had somebody else to date I would but I don't."

Maybe it's worth examining your reluctance to be single and the assumptions you are making surrounding that alternative.  I know in my own case my fear of being alone is a symptom of my overall codependency that I am trying to outgrow and singlehood is an idea that I am trying to get more comfortable with.

[unicorn2014]

I was separated & divorced  for 7 years before I met my partner so that's not an issue.

In terms of other issues that he has unhealthy boundaries with there are his moods and his work. I'm on my phone right now so I'll respond in more detail when I get on my computer however they include things like him lying about not being ok when I'm ask him if he's ok and my theory that he maintains a certain level of mental illness so that he can write music.

In terms of the points formflier brought up I will think on those and get back to them.

In terms of what is shameful about the relationship, it's not just his marital status, it's the fact it's long distance and it's emotionally abusive. Other then my ex, it's the only difficult relationship with another adult I have in my life. A simple thing such as asking my partner not to be so abrasive with me in text turns into a problem. When I don't talk to him until the afternoon he accuses me of having a bad day. He just hung up on me because asked him to not speak so harshly to me.

I'm trying to find the strength within myself to end it because I know there'll be no going back .

[unicorn2014]

After rereading those posts I have to say the biggest issue today is how he talks to me. He puts me down, he belittles me, he withholds information, he denies he's doing that. Today I have an opportunity to enforce my do not disturb rule after being hung up on and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I tried to tell him the way he was talking to me in text wasn't working for me and then he hung up on me. I put my phone in do not disturb mode. He called me back. We have a scheduled talk at 8pm. I don't know what to say to him when he's acting like this. I don't want to deal with more of his defensiveness. I have a right to say how I want to be treated. No other adult  except my ex treats me the way my partner does.

----

He claims his phone died. The same thing happened the other day, we were in the middle of a heated conversation and it ended. He claimed his phone died.

----

Lol

Ok that is not what I had in mind

Have it your way zzzz

i don't have time for whatever

###

In fact you know had enough of this

We will talk when we do nothing scheduled

###

Good back to work

Later

>going

----

Those are the offensive texts he sent to me.

I told him I didn't like how he talked to me, that nobody else in my life talked to me like that, and if he wanted to continue to be in a relationship with me he was going to have to change how he talked to me. Then he hung up on me for real.

----

What does the board think?

-----

I know I can't control how he talks to me so I probably need some guidance here in terms of determining my values around how I am talked to and how I protect myself from what I consider to be emotional abuse.

---

He also said this to me.

----

You know I just looked not once have you told me you love me today

I get it your having a bad day but don't take it out on us

I scheduled a time as it was unclear when other than that

---

He thinks he's entitled to be loved by me and entitled to a relationship with me. I wasn't having a bad day. He was making things up about me. Then after he hangs up on me he says this:

That is fine I not not want to by you in the manner you talk to me

I find it unstable

And I called you back and it went to VM. Not going to post your game

Later

###

He knows being called emotionally unstable by him is a deal breaker for me.

----

This is the kind of stuff that makes me seriously consider leaving the relationship.

[unicorn2014]

I got further grief from him:

Dear please do not talk to me about being abusive you are in no position to take that position with me.

It is time for you start dealing with how you treat others first

Please charge your phone and calm down before you talk to me again

.

Dear I am not going to be calling you

I am not going to engage with your game

He's being really hurtful right now.

This is what is the deal breaker for me even more then the marriage and the distance.

This I can not and will not tolerate.

I need help walking away from it.

He just sent this

I will take your call with in the next 30 mins and if you are not available and you are unable to call then we can try again some other time 

Ok, at 12:30  he said he  would call me in an hour, I said I had to call my dad back first so that would be perfect timing, then I said I would call him after I called my dad, then he said he would talk to me at 8pm. That's when the trouble started. Then his phone died, then when I told him the way he spoke to me in text wasn't working for me he hung up on me and now this.

All this drama over a simple phone call.

Its true, I hadn't told him I love him yet today because I'm not sure if I do.

My dad called me today to talk to me about my grandmother's will and it reminded me of my partner.

I don't know what makes my partner so special that I've been waiting on him for 3.5 years to get a divorce.

I don't have anything to say to him.

He thinks he can just talk to me that way and I would be happy to pick up the phone and talk to him.

No other adult other then my ex husband  puts me down like that.

I have no reason at all to call him right now.

[unicorn2014]

Then he called me and insisted we had a problem we needed to solve. I told him the only problem we had is I told him I'd call him after I called my father and his reply was to tell me hed talk to me at 8pm. He hung up on me a 2nd time and send me further hurtful texts.

Then I have no interest in talking to you further

Good day

Right I do not like your attitude at all... .

I am sry I called you. You just are creating drama today that has nothing to do with us. I can either help you with this or you can call me when you get it under control your choice

Do not talk to me again about being abusive until you yourself stop

###

I love you

He is out of control today and he's moralizing at me as if there's something wrong with me. It's not endearing, it's not inspiring and it's not encouraging. It's just serving to push me further away. 

-----

He called me a third time!

This is a real opportunity to do something constructive and say when either one of us hangs up on the other ... .I don't know how to say the rest compassionately.

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He hung up on me twice in the space of 90 minutes.

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