New poster, looking for ideas to help with BPDd-14

[MidwestStepMom]

Not sure where to start. I am sure many parents have similar issues with their child as my husband and I are having with my step-daughter. She is 14 and her therapist thinks she has BPD. She also cuts and has been in the hospital 2x since Jan. 2015 for suicidal thoughts (not serious attempts, mostly precautionary because of increased cutting and severe depression.)

We have only had primary custody of BPDd-14 since just before she turned 12. I married her father the year she turned 11. BPDd-14 lived out of state with her mother from the age of 7 with her father having visitation only on school breaks. During those years with her mother, her mother was abusive and neglectful. Her mother was always a dominating person and my step-daughter was afraid to tell anyone (her dad or others in the family) what was going on. BPDd-14's mom was apparently partying and leaving her alone a lot. She was exposed to a hostile environment as well as people and things she shouldn't have been. I believe she only got the nerve to speak up to her mom because she was finally bigger than her mother and her mental issues began to surface allowing her to not have the inhibitions anymore.

 Move forward to now, she has severe anxiety and does school online. BPDd-14 does very poorly in school. She is in counseling 2x per week. Her mom let her have technology 24/7 and no limits on sleep time. We are dealing with the long-term consequences of this now. If we tell her no to anything she throws temper tantrums like a 2 year old. She wants to be on her phone and computer all the time. She hates her dad unless she wants or needs something. She blames him for her problems because he didn't save her from her mom. She is somewhat tolerant of me because I am the one who takes her to her appointments and she is with me all the time. She says, "she is parenting herself and doesn't need anyone." The only person she seems to really like is her counselor. This is a good thing she likes her counselor, but I don't think the counselor pushes her enough to work on her real issues. Though I know too well it is hard to push her because of the consequences. It really hurts her dad how she acts toward him. She won't talk to him and gives him mean looks for days unless she wants money or to go somewhere. This is so draining to both of us. We have already spent 20k on therapy and medical expenses dealing with her mental health since she moved in with us and we don't feel like we have made any progress. I guess that is why I am on here looking for information. We really don't want to look at RTCs, as my step-daughter has serious abandonment issues because of her mom. But we are at a loss of what to do. We have to lock up so many things in our house. We have found cigarettes, e-cigs, alcohol and pot in her possession. She has hid blades and knives all over the place, even with stuff locked up.

   Oh, now she refuses any medication. She has taken Celexa (horrible side effects), Abilify, Latuda, among others. At one point she gained a bunch of weight increasing her depression. She also hoarded pills in a plan to overdose at one point (we lock up all pills now).

I am just at a loss for where to go next and haven't seen any recent comments that might help. Any thoughts or general feedback are welcome. Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AnotherWon]

Hi there!

Sorry to hear how much your family has gone through.  Your step daughter is lucky to have you both.  I'm new here as well and just wanted to let you know about the Most Often Viewed Topics.  I'm working my way through it now and wow has it been enlightening!  You can find it by going to the top of this board under Parenting a Teen or Adult Child and the third post down has a link to it.  I've found lots of really good discussions that apply to our situation and it's helped immensely.  Lots of lightbulb moments!

I'm sure you will hear from lots of helpful, compassionate people here to give you insight. 

Take Care!

[michmom]

Welcome, you are not alone. This feeling of desperation and helplessness will lighten a bit once you begin learning about the limitations your daughter experiences and can find your own healthy responses in spite of the reactions and behaviors your daughter exhibit. My BPD daughter is realizing with DBT therapy that she has control over how she responds to the world that she sees so differently then her peers and family. Over the last 4 months she has exercised some of the skill and I have as well. She did suffer a set back during withdrawal from Lithium and was hospitalized for a week but since then I have practiced more effective listening and validating skills and I see some encouraging improvement.  As one CBT therapist warned me, my expectation should be that "relapse is expected but not required".  My daughter also cuts.  I encourage her when it's safe to make her own decisions and practice skill building and problem solving.  We have to take it slow so she doesn't become overwhelmed. You must take care of yourself. Show your daughter the healthy love you have for yourself.   I read a book called "I Hate You, Don't leave me"  It really spoke to me about this disorder.  Let me know how you are doing.