Burned out

[landslide]

My 16-year-old has been troubled for a few years and has been on a steep downward spiral for the last 2 years or so.  My husband and I are feeling so angry, afraid and burned out.  She says terrible things to me when she is angry like I am the reason for all her problems or that she wouldn't care if I died.  She sometimes apologizes later.  During her last fit of rage, she hit and kicked me.  She is in DBT but seems stuck in a cycle of self-destruction and is increasingly defiant about going to therapy.  Medications aren't helping yet and sometimes even seem to make it worse.  To make things even more awful and ridiculous, I'm a therapist.  I had my own (but very different) mental health issues as an adolescent and wanted things to be so much better for my daughter.  I have so much guilt and shame.  I feel really alone while my friends sit and talk about their kids going to college and I am wondering if my daughter will graduate from high school or even be alive in 2 years.  I've never posted on a board before but just the idea made me feel a little less alone. I appreciate just knowing someone might read this and understand. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi landslide,

I'm so glad you decided to make a post and tell some of your story. 

I feel your pain dear.  My d was dx with emerging BPD at age 12 and also MDD, ODD, and anxiety.  The rages, the blame, the verbal/emotional abuse were causing her dad and I such misery that I didn't know if I was going to make it until she reached adulthood.

Today she is 19 years old and our relationship is incredibly open, trusting, and reciprocal.  She still struggles with being overwhelmed (mostly by her r/s with her boyfriend and being in constant pain from fibromyalgia) and I am her support system.  So I can tell you it does get better.

Does your d go to DBT group with other adolescents?  Group therapy is usually very affective for teen girls who are looking to be understood and accepted by their peers. 

lbj

[twojaybirds]

I remember the courage it took for my first post.

My dd is now almost 22.  The changes and cycles and emotions over the last 4 years have been nothing short of extreme, but now things are calming down, at least in our relationship.   It is all due to the resources and insights on this board, even better than the psychiatrist.

Welcome, you have friends here who do not talk only about kids going to college and leading 'those' lives.  All our kiddos are carving their paths in their ways at thier time.

Again, welcome.

[Rockieplace]

Hi there,

We all really know how you are feeling.  I have never been an envious person until recently.  My daughter's situation in comparison to her friends who are establishing successful careers, getting married etc have made me feel so sad for her. It is like grieving in so many ways.  However, your daughter is still very young and, by the sound of it, getting treatment which should steer her to a better way of coping.  I just wish we had realized there was a problem with my daughter at that age although I'm not sure that, at that time, it would have been recognized or made a difference.  Who knows?  Like you, I feel that here, you are not alone and the information, which I am steadily working through is so helpful and constructive.  You are not alone!

[Rockieplace]

Meant to say - rather than repeating myself - "There is hope".

I also know how easy it is to feel isolated from others because of feeling ashamed that somehow the finger is pointing at you!  I feel that way too. I have now begun to realize that there are a lot of good, well-intentioned people out there who are in similar positions, who are doing their best under extremely difficult circumstances. Just knowing that helps a little I think.  My mantra to my daughter has become 'There are no villains here'.

[michmom]

Welcome to the board. I too have recently found this support site.  I am also the mom of a BPD daughter who is 15.  She has suffered for four years.  She is in DBT therapy for two months and waiting for the Group skill building to begin.  She is in her sophmore year but hasn't attended school since December. I am often the focus of her outlashing.  I have recently found that the tools on the right have improved my communication skills which have reduced her verbal attacks.  It is difficult to remember the life we all shared before BPD.  I sometimes wonder if it was all a dream.  I currently use one hour of my day to review the lessons and tools to set my perspective on handling each day one at a time.  Some days if my daugher is under high stress and the emotion is building I mentally and emotional remind myself that "She is doing the best she can given the circumstances"  we all are. I have learned to stop allowing my fear for her future to rule my emotions.  If she takes longer to graduate high school, or never graduates high school it will not be the end of the world.  No matter what happens, I will love her and support her in what ever way I can.  Keep me posted.

[wendydarling]

I also understand    , 

Working through the tools and lessons to the right of the screen has helped me work with my daughter (27yrs) over the last 8 months and accept the journey is not what either of us planned and expected. Now we have moved beyond the life stereotype my daughter can realistically plan a real life for her. Yes, she has a degree (it was painful and unfulfilling, though she is working) but I think it's likely she will reassess and retrain for something more suitable at some point in the future. I'm 100% behind her if she does. From my experience, I wish we'd done it the other way round, forget education and had the opportunity to engage in BPD and treatment at a younger age.

My daughter has also been on a downward spiral and while she is 10 years older than your daughter what I have learnt is following the journey to hitting the bottom of despair and pain she is coming back stronger, open and fighting to be well. 

While life events maybe unexpected and also more complicated than we planned, I think it's achievable.

Welcome aboard! Wishing you peace.

WDx

[landslide]

Thank you all, so much, for your thoughtful replies.  They all brought tears to my eyes. I appreciated both the empathy and people sharing stories of things getting better.   I also appreciate the reminder to keep working on my own skills in handling my emotions and how I interact with my daughter.  I will definitely be re-reading these replies!

[dorianc]

I have only posted a couple of times.  My shame and guilt were overwhelming as well. I, too, am a professional who should have acted differently for a long time and did not.   Just reading posts on this messageboard helped to not only be certain of my 26ds's diagnosis, but to realize that there are people out there suffering with children with remarkably similar traits. Since I posted last, my son and I are communicating again.  I don't initiate it; I let him call or text.  I no longer give any advice.  I just listen actively and act empathetic when he describes essentially daily misadventures, mishaps, hard lessons he has to learn, but allow the natural consequences of those to occur. It is hard.  Now he does not feel like I have abandoned him.  But his challenges are huge, and I have no idea whether he will end up high or low functioning. 

[middleman]

Hi Burned out ,

i have a BPDs 16.  I too am burned out.  It is exhausting to keep up.  I just had to install cameras on my home to keep him from letting sexual partners in the home during the night.  That seems to be a release for him but he is 16.  He is in therapy but for him, group seemed not right for him.  Says they are all messed up!  HA!  I found that theater was a great way for him to gain acceptance with his peers.  Maybe some sort of group activity like this will help with boredom.  When BPDs get bored and this is often, he gets out of control.   

I hope it settles down for you.  I have also joined this sight recently.  I feel very alone.   I have alienated most of my friends.  I feel as if they are bragging about how great their kids are, then look at me like "poor thang, bless your heart"  they don't get how hard this actually is.