I am very confused...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, 6 weeks ago my life, our kids lives changed.  I found out my partner of 25 years has been having many emotional affairs with different women.   Now I know one was sexual, and am unsure that the others were just emotional affairs.  One day he texted someone over 150 times!  He has worked away for years and more recently has told lies about where he was living during the week as I have also found out that he lives with one of these women who is his landlady.  Everything I know I have had to discover, being a detective, trawling through phone bills  (until he realised and blocked me), open email account trash can showed a lot.  Smart phones are handy when you just have a mobile number to identifying people through Facebook etc.   Once he realises I know a bit more he shuts down and refuses to tell me anything.   He says he is lost, head in fog and felt lonely.   I have cried and tried to understand but he tells me only what he wants me to know... very little.   I have decided there is no going back and have come to realise he is ill.   I believe he forgot about his family the moment he went to work for the week.  I am in shock this has happened.  When he found out I knew about his landlady he used my son to give me a threatening message.  He scared my son ( their relationship has been difficult for years).   I am so angry that he will not be honest about what he is doing.  I am finding it so hard to talk to him without shouting.   Now reading about BPD I am convinced he has it.  Of course I cannot get this confirmed.  He hated therapy when I got him to use it a few years back when he came back from a dog walk and told me he had nearly hung himself... .Completely out of the blue he told me THAT!  Anyway he bacame convinced in the following weeks that the therapist was useless and stupid.  I have used the same therapist for CBT when I was suffering from anxiety and she is neither she really helped me.   He has just announced he will not see the kids on Saturday as arranged but Sunday instead.  I am fuming but know that will get me no where .  I guess I need to learn how to talk to him but my emotions keep getting in the way.   I need to detach, but just don't know how to.  We are seperating.  25 years is a lot of history.  When I think of him after my anger subsides I keep thinking he is the man I first met.  How do I remain rooted in the reality of my situation?   I would be so grateful if anyone could share their insights on how to cope.  Thank you.

[Finnegan]

Hi, 6 weeks ago my life, our kids lives changed.  I found out my partner of 25 years has been having many emotional affairs with different women.   Now I know one was sexual, and am unsure that the others were just emotional affairs.  One day he texted someone over 150 times!  He has worked away for years and more recently has told lies about where he was living during the week as I have also found out that he lives with one of these women who is his landlady.  Everything I know I have had to discover, being a detective, trawling through phone bills  (until he realised and blocked me), open email account trash can showed a lot.  Smart phones are handy when you just have a mobile number to identifying people through Facebook etc.   Once he realises I know a bit more he shuts down and refuses to tell me anything.   He says he is lost, head in fog and felt lonely.   I have cried and tried to understand but he tells me only what he wants me to know... very little.   I have decided there is no going back and have come to realise he is ill.   I believe he forgot about his family the moment he went to work for the week.  I am in shock this has happened.  When he found out I knew about his landlady he used my son to give me a threatening message.  He scared my son ( their relationship has been difficult for years).   I am so angry that he will not be honest about what he is doing.  I am finding it so hard to talk to him without shouting.   Now reading about BPD I am convinced he has it.  Of course I cannot get this confirmed.  He hated therapy when I got him to use it a few years back when he came back from a dog walk and told me he had nearly hung himself... .Completely out of the blue he told me THAT!  Anyway he bacame convinced in the following weeks that the therapist was useless and stupid.  I have used the same therapist for CBT when I was suffering from anxiety and she is neither she really helped me.   He has just announced he will not see the kids on Saturday as arranged but Sunday instead.  I am fuming but know that will get me no where .  I guess I need to learn how to talk to him but my emotions keep getting in the way.   I need to detach, but just don't know how to.  We are seperating.  25 years is a lot of history.  When I think of him after my anger subsides I keep thinking he is the man I first met.  How do I remain rooted in the reality of my situation?   I would be so grateful if anyone could share their insights on how to cope.  Thank you.

[MapleBob]

Wow, Finnegan, you must be reeling! Your story is pretty shocking, and I would be a wreck.

Do you have direct support, like a therapist or counselor (or clergy)?

[Finnegan]

Hi MapleBob, thanks for your reply.  I have a fantastic group of friends who are supporting me and my kids.  On waiting list for therapy (pretty typical) and trying to be strong for my kids and my own sanity!  One of the hardest things I find is trying to take on the reality of what has happened.  I had no idea he would cheat on me, it just never occurred to me that his distant behaviour would be that.  He tells me I need to take some of the blame, things were wrong in our relationship. I reply you had a choice and you chose to be deceitful and you refused to talk to me when I asked you why you were so distant.  I feel 10 years of my life have been taken, ten years of trying to re build what we once had, ten years of making excuses for his difficult mood swings, intense anger outbursts at our son, sarcastic remarks and belittling behaviours.  I have my eyes wide open now and I see it clearly and that makes me weep.  I feel used and my self esteem is at an all time low.  How do you recover from this whole and healed.  I now hate him so much but I have to try to build a new compare ting relationship.  How can I do that with someone I do not trust?  He twists everything and the focus always is with him.  Our youngest is so bottled up she will not talk about him and does not want to see him for longer than an hour.  He lets them down and blames them for not wanting to talk to him.  How arrogant and self centred is that!  I hate what we have become and hurt that the person I once loved is gone.