I might be your classic codependent (with a panic disorder seasoning). She is most definitely a pwBPD.
I 'fell in love' too quickly from the get go. Even though I saw the red flags
waved and smashed at my face I chose to let her abuse me over and over.
At 4 months we were living together. She made my life literally a living hell.
At 6 to 7 months and with the support of my parents I broke up. Sometimes I think it would be better if I stayed broken up.
She called me every day proclaiming her eternal love and how she would change. I felt pity. Rented a bigger house and got back together. Here I am again, sitting on the couch writing this down thinking, "did I do the right choice?". Did she change? Yes, she now lets me poop with my phone and sometimes play games without raging illogically. This time though we made some financial commitments, such as the rent and other things.
About treatment, she's resistant to it. I told her that we would only get back together if she saw a therapist when we first broke up. She agreed and went to a few different ones to see which one she liked best. Unfortunately in my country there are more charlatans therapists than there are really experienced ones who are likely to help. Most therapists here like to make everything about Jesus, or their own religion. Alas she found one that wasn't a charlatan and identified DPD almost from the get go. I was extremely hopeful and that made me get back together like right away. Except she mostly complained about me over illogical jealousy. The therapist said she has to open up and not just talk about her relationship life. She took it very personally. It's been almost 2 months that she doesn't see that therapist, even though she has an extra 2 sessions she paid for in advance.
We had many heated arguments because she wanted to have a child like right now. She's 30 going 31 and thinks there won't be enough time. I'm not comfortable with that, especially having a child with her. If she's already making my life difficult without children, I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like with them. And what would the child go through?
After reading all of this I see through the thin veil that I pretended not to see through.
I've taken verbal abuse from her again and again. I've threatened to break up during an argument. But I don't think I have the courage.
The idea of imagining her with someone else kills me inside. And she's also DPD, so if we do break up she will find someone else almost too quickly. (The last break up an ex-fling sought her out and she traded face pics with him while swearing her love to me over the phone)
Last time we broke up I thought I was over her but she kept on calling me every day, all of the sudden I was too insecure to be away from her.
The last break up had me in tears, I almost didn't break up because she looked like a small frail little girl crying her eyes out and about to lose the most important thing in her life. She begged for over 30 minutes. She literally kneeled down and begged, even thinking about that makes me cry as I write this. Do I have the heart to see that again?
When she's not behaving like a 6 year old she's pretty awesome to be with. But when I let her abuse me she becomes a demon.
We moved into this house in November. We fought 1 time in November, 3 times in December and 4 times in January, probably once in February. So, 9 times over a period of 4 months. Probably a bit more, because once we fight there's always the fallout the next day.
Through this site I've learned about SET & Validating and it all seems very hopeful. Makes me feel good about trying. But at the same time, I've also found out that she has a condition, is it worth sacrificing that part of me that wanted a good marriage with a nonjudgmental wife who would be there for me as much as I would be there for her?
Do I want a life where if I have children I will have to care for her mother as much as I would the child?
I don't know the answer to these questions.
EDIT: I also can't describe the feeling of wanting to protect her from harm, to care for her and make her happy.
EDIT2: Her favorite strategy is the Silent Treatment. Her therapist said she doesn't see it as something bad, but rather as her trying to remove herself from the situation. Except when she did it she would pout and only speak the necessary. And then would blow up again later on about the same argument. This time, if I didn't respond the way she wanted me to, she would do the Silent Treatment again. My failed strategy to defend myself from it is to not let her remove herself from the situation, inevitably falling into the circular argument (that can last from 3 to 5 hours)
