High conflict separation and custody battle with ex husband high functioning BPD

[Kak]

Need advice in dealing with ex husband who is high functioning BPD. Going through high conflict separation mediation failed twice first he witheld financials and second he would not agree on custody. Professionals says not even 50/50 case. I have been stay at home for almost entire 9 yrs with some part time work. Two boys under 9. I have primary now. Still only verbal agreement after 6 mo. Visits are bad and boys are suffering from great deal of verbal and emotional. Ex keeps acting like what the boys say are lies when in truth it's him lying. School counselors see the manipulation to the boys. I feel he is out to cause them and me pain since we no longer want him in our lives. He refuses help an has gone through four therapists.  I feel my hands are tied on protecting boys. We are headed to court but I'm without legal now since he controls the money and marital assets. Unfair but I won't give up fighting for what I feel is best for the boys.  He will lie to the judge. He has lied to all therapists, lawyers, mediator and police. He is taking my sons phones on visits lately. No access to call even 911 when scared. Documented inappropriate behavior? Help! Any and all advice greatly appreciated for ESP custody what types work should I continue to fight for 80/20 or sole? He at one point even filed for immediate sole but he dismissed so we could go to mediation and judge dropped. Professional said boys were doing very well considering the situation.  Thankful for great therapists and school counselors. I need more strength to end this battle and have a peaceful future. It's been one yr since I found out about his secret life and affairs. He still plays the victim and wants boys and I to respect him? I believe respect is earned.  Boys are smart. They have only ever begged him to be sorry and let them be happy. He won't.  

[david]

Talk to an attorney but you may be able to get alimony pende lite. That is temp alimony during a divorce to help the stay at home party to afford the legal proceedings.

Document everything you can.

[ForeverDad]

When I was first dumped into the legal system it was scary and I felt I had an uphill struggle to withstand and overcome all the false allegations, manipulations, distortions, obstructions and delays.  Our cases usually last anywhere from 1 to 2 years, some less, some more.  Mine was about 2 years.  But I did get through it and eventually recovered from most of the impacts.  What I'm saying is that you need to take some deep breaths, know that you and your children will get through this more or less intact and there are many here who have survived what you're facing.  Listen to our experiences and collective wisdom of peer support.

[ForeverDad]

David wrote well, get some legal consultations with a few experienced family law attorneys.  They're often free or inexpensive and there's no obligation to hand over a retainer.  They know they won't gain a client from every person who gets a consultation.  Remember, you need more than a forms filer and hand holder.  Listen to the various strategies.  Who actually listens to your goals, recognizes your spouse is a high conflict person and is experienced, proactive and a problem solver?  In my case, my lawyer had a 1960's office in an older building but he charged less, didn't charge for every email and got me through in one piece.  I didn't like that he wasn't quite as proactive as I wished but he stuck with me from divorce filing in 2006 to final decree in 2008 to sole custody in 2011 and to majority time in 2013.

If "alimony pendente lite" or the equivalent doesn't apply in your area, then you can probably get a lawyer to file for the court to order your stbEx to pay for your legal services or, failing that, then pay the lawyer from your half of the marital assets at the end of the divorce.

Courts often handle custody (legal) and parenting (schedules) as separate decisions.  For example... .

1.  You've historically been the majority time parent, then there's no reason (assuming you aren't as messed up as my Ex  ) why you can't continue as primary or majority time parent.  So hold to your Boundary that you remain the Primary Parent.

2.  You must also be the Residential Parent for School Purposes.  It means your children attend school where you live.  That way your ex can't move away and drag the kids with him and you left racing from behind to catch up.

3.  Courts often are reluctant to grant sole custody unless there is substantive reason to do so.  They don't want to lock out a parent.  If the professionals involved in your case (therapists, custody evaluator, Guardian ad Litem, children's services, etc) won't step forward to tell the judge there are huge issues with stbEx, then you can still try to limit the damage, obstructions and delays he can do in the years to come.  Check if your state has anything similar to Joint Custody with Decision Making or Tie Breaker.

Boundaries are needed in every relationship.  Sadly, they're even more vital when you can't reason or work with the person.  Months and years from now you'll look back and be grateful for those boundaries!

Remember, mediation and settlement conferences do often result in success, even in our difficult cases (though the key word is "eventually" because early mediation attempts usually fail).  You don't have to give in, appease or be compliant.  You were right to stand up for yourself, for the children and for the best outcome.  If it turns out that the court has to decide, so be it.  Courts are generally happy if both sides give in and lose a little.  So think, Strategy... .  You know she will seek for more than what is reasonable.  Thus it would be poor negotiation if you has for only what is 'fair' or what you can live with.  Negotiation means having some negotiating room up your sleeve.  So don't feel bad about asking for more than you you need.  When you give some of that extra away she may feel she 'won'.  Fine, let her feel that way.  As an example, many here face an ex that wants 99%.  If we ask for a 'fair' 50% then a judge could reason, "Let's split the difference and we walk out with 20%.  Yeah, a lousy judge but they're out there.  Better to ask for extra, explaining why, and then if you get less tell the judge you'll work with it as best you can.

Custody?  Courts almost always default to joint custody unless there are very extreme circumstances.  Apparently they don't want one parent to feel shut out of being a parent.  It works for reasonably normal parents but not so well for our cases.  Okay, accepting that, what can we do to lessen the problems that will certainly come with joint custody and you unable to convince Ex of a better course of action on the major issues of school medical, legal, etc?

If you fail to reach a settlement... .Maybe you could throw everything into the bucket and that way give court lots of room to say Yes to some requests and No to others.  That way the court could reason you both won some things and you both lost some things.  However, you can ask for Legal custody or, failing that, to ask for Decision Making or Tie Breaker.  The point of asking for DM or TB is that if you can't get sole custody (many courts are reluctant to award sole custody without substantive basis) then you can get the next best options.  Actually, TB or DM is almost like sole custody but not in Name, it allows the ex to still claim parenthood.

Run the above strategies past your lawyer.  The point is that RIGHT NOW you have basis to seek resolution in court.

Right now you have some level of Leverage.  Ponder the implications of that... .  If you make a 'deal' (settlement) now for less than you know is right, then it will be harder to undo it later.

Understand that many states have separate terms and policies for legal custody versus the parenting schedule.  For example, many typical divorces result in 'joint' legal custody but with one 'primary' parent doing the parenting and everyday decisions.  Major decisions such as school, medical, etc are covered under the legal aspect.  However, there is typically one parent who gets assigned as "Residential Parent for School Purposes".

Maybe she won't want to give up "custody".  Most courts default to joint custody and are very reluctant to enforce one parent having full custody if the other isn't agreeable, not unless there is clear basis to take that step.  So what to do if she doesn't want to give up her parental rights to legal custody?

She may really want to keep joint custody.  She won't want to feel as a mother who failed or was publicly shut out.  As I wrote above, it's usually hard to force sole custody, at least at first.  So how do you get that in deed if not in name?  Seek for her to agree that you have Decision Making or Tie Breaker (or equivalent) status for any disagreements on major issues (school, medical, activities, etc).  So, in name and on paper the custody would be joint, she could keep her Public Face intact but with DM or TB you can effectively sidestep many frustrations if she is unwilling to agree on the major decisions or tries to control and obstruct you.  Feel out the topic cautiously.  Start with DM or TB first and if she's okay with that then don't even mention her keeping full joint custody.  In other words, don't box yourself into a corner when you don't have to!

Another leverage you may have is whether she has awareness of her mental issues.  She won't want that on the record so that may make a reasonable settlement possible, even likely.  For most of us we don't get a settlement until we've been in court for a year or two.  Settlements early in a case happen but they're rare.  Depending on the level of entitlement and control, you'll be more likely to get a settlement just before a big court hearing or trial.

Beware, don't confuse "reasonable" with "fair".  We who have stuck around for so long often have an otherwise wonderful trait, fairness, that puts us at a distinct disadvantage when dealing with an unbalanced acting-out spouse.  If we try to be fair and nice we'll end up being too fair, too nice, too whatever.  We have to protect ourselves and the children.  Frankly, your sense of fairness, niceness and whathaveyou won't be sincerely reciprocated.  You know how quickly she can switch from Miss Nice to Queen Witch.  Be forewarned.

The reason I posted as I did about TB & DM (sounds masochistic, doesn't it?  ) is that your judge may prefer the concept of "provide a long term better solution" rather than "fix this one complaint".  A lot depends upon what type of case you have pending, whether it can reissue or amend the order in a substantive way and whether the judge and court utilize TB/DM.

So one strategy to have in court is not just to present yourself as endlessly harried by Ex's wide-ranging claims but also depict yourself as a Problem Solver, someone who has presented solutions to make the order more practical and that it will be a longer-term fix, something encouraged in the handbook SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Bill Eddy's other books and articles.

[ForeverDad]

It is great that you've got counselors for the kids.  School counselors are a great resource and he's unlikely to block the children's access to them.  As my lawyer told me, "Courts love counseling for everyone."

[david]

Talking to the best lawyers is a good strategy. Once you have a consultation the other party can't use them because it is a conflict. This minimizes the number of attorneys the other party can use.

[momtara]

Document, document, document. I am sorry for the point you are at right now, where it is SO overwhelming. You are afraid people will believe the lies, that liars will win, that he has the upper hand, and that you have to take care of two young kids, protect them, possibly work, and document all this while trying to stay calm. It's not easy, but realize that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Don't be afraid to ask for help from anyone you trust, even if it's to watch the boys for an hour while you keep notes on a computer for things he has done. Keep them by date (it's easier than having to do three months' worth at once) and print them out once in a while. Save all emails and photograph the texts. Many of us here have been through similar things and eventually came out on top. Keep posting and you will get good advice. He will reveal his true colors to a judge and professionals. You can get free consults with attorneys sometimes. Yes, pendent lite will help you, you just have to file properly. Hang in there.