I know it's good for me, but deep inside can't come to terms...

[ja.pani.ka]

So it's my birthday today and yesterday I decided to break up.

My BPDbf is leaving for two weeks today to dogsit at his only friend's house.

On Vday he told me he doesn't love me although he feels a strong bond (which of course can mean anything from I don't love to to I love you). He said he doesn't even feel love towards his kids, he has to go somewhere to be alone for a long time to sort things out. Wish he could do it, but the point is he can't go anyway, as he has no job, no money etc.

I on the other hand went for a trip with my coworkers three days ago and suddenly found out what an attractive, funny and bright person I am. I suddenly saw it that people, for sure all his exGfs (I know two of them) just disappear when with him. His personality, emotions, pain etc. are so intense that there is no place for another person. I noticed this is just leading nowhere, we've been together for a year now and it's just making the same circles again and again, and him trying everything for two weeks and just going back to where he was, abandoning things in the very middle etc.

He agreed he gives me too much pain and will leave (god knows where to, but he has two weeks to sort it out).

But I'm crying my eyes out. I love this guy, in the moments when he's doing all right he is just what I could ever dream of. I could spend the whole life with him, but this is just too damn difficult. I know we did the right thing, but I can't come to terms with the fact that it has to be that way.

I know it's nothing new, everybody goes through it... .

[C.Stein]

Try to see the superficial and shallow good things that blind you from seeing the lack of any real emotional depth.

I too struggle with this, believing in the ideal version of my ex where we could be incredibly happy together.  Yet when I take a closer look I see the things that are good are void of any real emotional depth.  The areas that require emotional depth and trust are lacking.  Beware of the tasty frosting.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ja.pani.ka, It sounds like you made the right decision for you, which is all you can do in life.  I doubt that he's going to leave in two weeks, so be ready for some manipulation of the F-O-G variety.  Like many of us, you seem to recognize that your BPD r/s is unhealthy, yet you are having a hard time letting go, which I would say is a common scenario for most of us.  It's like a drug addition: you know it's bad for you, but don't want to stop.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings and try to find the right path for you.

LuckyJim