Why Do We Bother?

[mom2bpd]

My BPDD had her birthday a few days ago.  Normally, I'm gone on the weekend closest to her birthday to a ladies retreat but this year her brother and family were at our home visiting on winter break from school.  So I asked her if she wanted to come over to celebrate with her Dad and I and her brother's family on the weekend.  I thought everything was settled and then at 10 pm on the night before she and our GD are expected to come over, she starts texting saying that I didn't ask her what she wanted to eat.  This is a 34 year old woman mind you!  So I reply that I know what you like and I'm planning on making this, this, and this.  She then replies that she doesn't understand why I didn't ask her first what she wanted.  This goes on for awhile with some more crazy texts.  I then ask her Dad to call her because I'm frustrated.  He calls and the drama continues but our BPDD will not talk on the phone and makes our poor GD8 the intermediary to tell us everything.  This happens often and is always very annoying.  She claims finally after much totally useless discussion that she wants fish when offered a choice between meats and that the cake I'm planning to bake the next morning is something she likes.  She even ask if we could go to the store at 10 pm and buy something else to which I reply no I'm not going to the store this late when I've already bought what I'm planning to cook.  Also through the entire conversation by phone and by texts we try to get her to allow our GD to come over and stay overnight after our celebration so she can play with her cousins since she doesn't get to see them often.  Our BPDD keeps refusing to let her come over and says our GD needs to rest because she's still recovering from being sick.  Mind you, it is after 10 pm on a school night and our GD8 is doing all the talking for her mom so is obviously awake!

So the next morning we get more texts and she wants to go out to eat Thai soup because she feels sick with allergies.  Of course, she wants us to buy her meal for her birthday even though we've already bought food to cook and her a present!  So my son's family and I finally decide to meet her and our GD at a restaurant, and I buy her meal.  I was so frustrated with the whole thing that I now hope I'm never home again to celebrate close to the date.  I also decided that we'll never buy her a gift until the last minute when we are sure she's coming over to eat and if she then changes her mind, there will need to be an understanding that if she chooses to go out to eat, she'll pay for her meal, or we'll include the meal as her gift or part of her gift.  The only good thing to come of this was that she let our GD come stay overnight and play with her cousins even though she appeared to be in no hurry to have us leave the restaurant and get her child or her cousins in bed so our GD could rest... . 

Why do they have to make everything so difficult and trying for those who want to show they care?  If not for our GD, her Dad and I would be tempted to wash our hands of the drama and frustration she loves to cause.  And we both know she does very little for us, if anything, when we have a birthday.  In fact, I've never once eaten a meal at her apartment that she prepared, and she's been living in the same apartment for almost 3 years.  I told her that I would be happy if she fixed any meal for me since she hasn't... .of course she said "this is not about my apartment".

How do we handle this next time and limit our expense and frustration?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

 What did you say when she said, "this is not about my apartment."

Leaving aside all of her drama (and despite that, it's good that you got time with your GD), there seems to be some core insecurity there (whether wanting to please you, having Hermit-Nomad-Waif traits, or feeling overwhelmed by her emotions, hard to say). Can you flesh it out?

[Rockieplace]

When my daughter was younger and we were arguing she suddenly said ':)o you love me?'  Flabbergasted I replied 'I have to love you SO much just to put up with you!"  That stopped her in her tracks.  She said 'Oh' and walked off.   

I rest my case. x

[mom2bpd]

Thanks Turkish and Rockieplace for your comments. Turkish, I dropped the subject of her apartment when she said "this is not about my apartment" because to pursue the subject further would not be helpful from my past experiences with her. Rockieplace, I love your comment to your daughter and oh so true for all parents of BPDs 

Turkish, I read more about the Waif personality after seeing your reference here and that describes her perfectly. She acts helpless but is not. However, everything is about her... .ultimately her feelings, likes, desires are all that matter. It gets very old dealing with her and I feel most sorry for our GD because she is well aware of her mother's shortcomings and how enmeshed with her her mom can be. I think on some level my BPDD does want my approval... and when she feels ignored, she starts acting out to get attention. My main concern is and will be always my GD because her mother makes her life difficult at best. I try to give her much needed breaks from her hermit mom. You hit the nail on the head concerning hermit nomad traits because she definitely exhibits both.  She would prefer to stay home and in her apartment all weekend depending on her mood. She may sleep half the weekend and say it's so she doesn't get sick or to get well or any number of other crazy reasons. She is a nomad at the same time and maybe because she doesn't fit in most places because she is so difficult.