In the middle

[middleman]

Hi to all,

I am new to this sight and did not read any other posts yet.  I wanted my introduction to be real.  I have 3 children, 28, 25, and 16.  The 16 will be diagnosed with BPD when he turns 18.  We have been in and out of a few hospitals, and he ended up spending 6 months in a psy inpatient campus.  He has wreaked havoc on my marriage.  We had a solid foundation, but because daddy and son are constantly at odds, i am put in the middle. 

I decided to take a stand for my own mental health and step out of the middle.  That ended with physical fighting and cps called on Daddy.  Son instigated the whole thing.  Dad sees him as disrespectful.  Even if Dad asks Son to take out the trash and son doesn't do it , dad sees that as being undermining authority.  Dad likes to have control over the house. 

Now that cps has been called dad has taken a stand.  He will no longer help or get involved with son.  He as removed himself of all obligation with the exception of basic needs.  Food, clothing, and shelter.  Dad says that he shouldn't have to change how he parents, because he is a good person.  Says that I broke our marriage because i told therapist what happened behind closed doors.   

I can't convince dad that he will never control son.  It's a trigger.  It makes every situation 100 times worse than it needs to be.  I am at my wits end.

Is there anyone else in this boat?  Does it ever get better?   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AnotherWon]

Ugh, yes.  When our son, 20, was in middle school he would go blank and stare down his dad.  At that point we thought it was just normal teen defiance.  Husband drew a line in the sand and unfortunately, it got physical.  Never happened again, but the damage was done.  He went off to military boarding school after that and whaddaya know?  It took the strain off our marriage.  He was only there 2 years.  When he was back and in therapy that one incident became the sole focus of what he and the therapist thought was going on.  We did what we had to do in therapy to help "heal" that trauma.  But ever since then, my husband has taken a HUGE step back.  I do most of the communicating with son and he just tries to keep it light with him.  To his credit, though, husband realizes how he mishandled a lot with our son.  I did my part, too.  I'm determined not to let son's behavior now interfere with our 30 year marriage.  Not gonna happen.  Our son is undiagnosed and somewhat functional, so I count myself lucky that he's currently not wreaking too much havoc.  Sorry to be long-winded, but your situation really hit home.  I hope it gets better for all of you.

[middleman]

Thanks AnotherOne for replying.  At least i know im not alone.  I am not willing to give up my marriage of 19 years, but i am also not willing to side with husband for putting his hands on son.  He isn't sorry and fails to see what went wrong.  I know I can't change my son.  I am riding out the storm of adolescence at this point.  I got mad Friday because son had a melt down and shattered an ipad.  I can't even call husband.  I really don't know how to fix this.  Neither one will budge.  How did you get to the point of normal conversation?

[AnotherWon]

It's so hard, isn't it?  I wouldn't say things are "normal". It's been a long road, including a stint in rehab for son who was self-medicating with alcohol.  He was gone doing that and sober living for a year.  Both our relationships with him were great during that time, but he was on the other coast! Lol!  I've been reading up on BPD here like a demon and it's made a ton of sense and it's helped with the level of tension and conflict whiles he's been home the last 2 months.  He's also seeing a great therapist who's trying to help him decide what he wants to do next since we cannot have that conversation with him.  He thinks we're trying to control him and that our expectations are too high.   Does your son see a therapist?  It's the one saving grace we've had the last few years since he's always been a willing participant in that sense.  I'd suggest reading the tools on the right side of this page. It's helped me understand son's point of view and how we've made it worse in the past.  Maybe some of it will work on your husband.  I wish that part of it were easier for you.

[middleman]

My son does have a very good therapist that practices DBT with him.  He is also on medication that helps him to not rage so much.  I have gotten pretty good with Son, but it isn't without effort on my part.  Husband, however, goes back and forth.  Right now he is on the side of the fence where old fashioned parenting should be able to work... .because it worked on the other two and this one shouldn't be any different.

[AnotherWon]

Been there, done that.  For a long time we both thought we could parent our son through the tough times.  But it was wayyyy beyond our capabilities.  Have you all ever had a parent meeting with the therapist?  If your son is doing all that work, I'd think the therapist would be able to explain it to your husband.  My husband was really old school too, but when it got scary he realized it was over his head and he wasn't helping the situation.  For the longest time he thought he could "fix" it.  It was a hard realization. Hopefully some other members will post their experiences with their family dynamics and what worked.  I know that being calmer and validating our son's frustrations has made a big difference for us.

[FeathersofHope]

Hello Middleman and AnotherWon,

I too, have often found myself "in the middle" between my 20-yr-old dBPDd and my dH... .It can be so exhausting and very stressful. My husband is a "fixer," and it is one of the things I love about him, but his reactive and somewhat authoritative (he is a retiredUSMC LtCol) responses to my daughter often do not work, and many times leave them both feeling awful. It's been a difficult journey towards acceptance of our dd's mental illness and our awareness of her emotional limitations. The lessons and tools to the right have been very helpful to me... .As has been reading the posts of fellow loving parents.

I'm not sure what the guidelines about posting links is here on bpdfamily, but I've put a link below to some family guidelines that were presented at a workshop at Maclean Hospital. I found these guidelines to be very affirming and easy to read. I sent them to my husband. He actually read them, and is trying to change his approach... .Perhaps, they will help your family... . 

www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/family-connections/family-guidelines/

[Slipping]

I have to agree with the other posters that this is so difficult and frustrating.  My uBPDdd29 is not speaking to her father, so I'm in the middle too.

I see a couple of things happening in my family.  We have been dealing with my daughter's outbursts most of her life, but I never heard of BPD until she was in her mid-20's.  When I read about it, I immediately recognized the symptoms and understood that she was suffering with a mental illness.  In fact, it was very validating for me b/c it supported what I had believed for so many years.  My husband, on the other hand, believed her to be manipulating and intentional in her behavior, so he was much slower to accept the diagnosis.  Where I was able to jump right in and want to learn about validating and other coping skills (I was at the end of my rope!), my husband wasn't ready.  Just like yours, he felt that he was a good parent, which he definitely is.  The problem is that good parenting isn't sufficient for dealing with a mental illness.  As he's come to accept that, things have improved between us enormously.  And really, the BPD's behavior certainly looks willful and deliberate, so it's often a bitter pill for parents to swallow that they have to be the one to change.  The child, who is ill, just can't do it and no amount of normal parenting skills are going to work.  Most of what we have to learn (validating, opposite actions, radical acceptance, etc) is really counter-intuitive.  It's the difference between being "effective" and being "right."

The other problem I've experienced is the effect of grief on our family.  As I keep reading, mental illness doesn't just happen to the patient, it happens to the entire family.  Grief is so individual and for parents can be mixed with a lot of guilt.  As my husband processed his grief and I processed mine, we were frequently at different stages and found ourselves clashing over that.  It's only in retrospect that I can see that was what was happening.  I was able to read "Grieving Mental Illness" by LaFond, which was very helpful.  I think this is a very frequent problem for many of us facing a BPD diagnosis.

And yes, I do think there's hope.  When my family saw the improvement in my interactions with my daughter as a result of changes in my behavior, they became more receptive and the tension has eased.  We have to have hope!

[Rockieplace]

That is a very helpful article 'FeathersofHope'.  I have read so much now and am trying so hard to apply what I am reading but my husband and other daughter just aren't in the same mindset.  My husband has always been rather defensive of my daughter when I told him that I thought she was very troubled.  She was very good at putting on a completely different 'front' to him as to me.  However, now he has had to accept that she is indeed very ill but has just withdrawn from the situation somewhat.  This has caused my BPDD to attack him (both physically and verbally).  My other daughter is just so angry at her sister for 'putting us through this'.  She just won't accept that her sister is really ill and not just 'putting it on'.  I'm doing my best to guide them but they are a little resistant.  'Slipping' you describe the challenges so well.  There is so much we all have in common which is reassuring in itself - well it is to me anyhow.   Lots of hugs to all. x

[middleman]

You all have been very comforting.  I was almost relieved to know that my BPDs was ill and I wasn't imagining things.  I know that sounds horrible, but for the early years (under the age of 10) we were convinced that his was all our doing and that he was just spoiled.  When we attempted to crack down, it only got much worse.  BPDs ramped it up!  We tried to hide our situation within the 4 walls of our home.  He had been diagnosed with a variety of illnesses until he was put into a residential program.  That's when his BPD was confirmed.  Even though you can't technically give a diagnosis until 18... .we all knew.  Sister is on board with changing the way she communicates and reacts to brother.  Older brother teeters back and forth.  Seems like when anger and rage isn't directed toward him, he can be objective.  When BPDs directs rage and ridiculousness toward older brother he says its manipulation and on purpose.  Dad is much the same way, constantly calling him manipulative and deceitful.  He and my older son 28, are both in the militaty.  Dad is a very black and white.  He takes everything BPDs dishes out to him personal and gets very defensive.  He is very resentful towards me and BPDs because he has a hard time with communication, but i don't.  I find myself literally in the middle of them.  Thanks to all for listening!  I'm going to take time today to read some articles suggested.   

[AnotherWon]

Thanks so much for those links, FeathersofHope and Slipping!  The family dynamic was a huge struggle over here and DH and I still always discuss it all the time, which is good.  But I think I have been grieving for a year or so and its really taken its toll on me, so I'll def put that book on my reading list.  One other thing that jumped out at me on this thread... .my husband is also retired military!  He's been such a great husband and father and accomplished so much and it's just heartbreaking to me how difficult our son's situation has been for him.  I guess I'll chalk it up to stigma of mental illness, lack of education surrounding that and the huge differences in their personalities.  And once again, I have found more shared experiences with people here, which as been the best thing!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi middleman

Ive been married 32 years and, our eldest son is 25 and dx Bpds sept 15. We have a younger son at 15. My sons aren't close. My family has suffered and it's been one immense challenge trying to keep it together. I won't go into the affect on the wider family, others just don't understand him or us for that matter. We are judged. You raise an interesting part of the overall BPD experience and I truly understand where you're coming from.

My husband is "old school". He just doesn't understand anyone not working, paying their own way and just getting on with it. I'd be the first to admit that we made a lot of mistakes raising our eldest, but my main regret is me always stepping in when I could see my husband struggling to deal with Bpds as a youngster. When it became plainly obvious mid-teen years that Bpds really needed his dad, BPDs blankly refused any offer to spend time together with his dad. It was all too little too late. My husband gave up on him. They just didn't like each other and still don't. Having said that, my husband is still in the grieving stage and I can't tell you how any times I've woken up in the middle of the night to find my husband sobbing.

We just couldn't see if it was the drugs or if there was something else. I wasn't putting all the pieces together. It was plainly obvious but I'd never even heard of a personality disorder.

What used to happen is that my husband and I would feed off each other's negative reaction and emotion. I found this really difficult to deal with when I was at breaking point myself because then I'd have to deal with his emotions too.

Things started to change for the better when I sought help for myself.  I went along to families anonymous when my relationship completely broke down with Bpds and I just couldn't cope. It helped me understand that the more we tried to "fix" the worse the situation got. All we have control over is ourselves. We have our own lives to live, let our addicted child have the dignity to make their own mistakes. We asked Bpds to move out mid-may 15 and he chose to go to California with a small inheritance. We hoped in a different environment he'd make the most of the opportunities available to him.

Bpds hit a crisis point sept 15 and finally got a diagnosis in the USA.

I'm learning so much being on this forum. Bpds returned home mid-December 15. We are all calm, we chat, are respectful, we are tolerant. This has given us all a breathing space while I learn and teach my husband and sons. We are seeing and feeling hope for the very first time. This is only through changing our behaviour. We learnt you can live side by side despite unresolved problems. Whatever happens, we all understand it's a mental illness we deal with. None of us knows what will happen and we are exploring a way forward.

My husband is retiring in 4 years. I've gone back to college as I prepare for our retired life together. We plan on living somewhere warmer and enjoying the time we have left. We have plans. My youngest most probably go to university (well adjusted, sporty and high achiever). We can't afford private therapy. What do we do? What if our eldest chooses not to take responsibility for himself? We try not to worry; our two worst fears are having him live with us until we die or choosing instead to throw him out.

Thank you all for sharing and reading

L

[middleman]

The military connection on this thread is surprising, but i guess it really shouldn't be.  Husband isn't backing down.  this point was driven home today.  Had to take up half of my therapy time telling my therapist that he is a good dad and that he isn't the problem, BPDs is the problem.  "If BPDs would learn how to respect  me like i deserve there wouldn't be a problem"... .says dad on a daily basis.  I don't know how else to get through to him that it isn't personal.  He will never get that respect he feels is owed to him.  I know that i am wasting my time at trying to keep the peace.  Im not doing that anymore.  Im trying to avoid crisis.

[AnotherWon]

Hi Middleman,

I'm sorry to hear your husband is really not acknowledging your son's illness.  Like your name indicates, it must be incredibly hard trying to bring the two of them to a place where they can coexist peacefully.  The only thing I can say is that it's reallllly good he will even GO to therapy with you and perhaps one day, in his own time, he'll come to accept things the way they are.  And by educating yourself here you can better deal with your son AND your husband.  That's my hope, anyway. It seems like they both need your compassion.  Sometimes we have to do ALL the heavy lifting as moms!  

Thank goodness you're here to get support!  Hang in there!

[middleman]

thanks AnotherWon for hearing me.  This is exactly where i am.  H had a therapist but told me yesterday that he quit going 3 weeks ago.  Says there is nothing wrong with him and doesn't need another adult to tell him what to do.  My therapist says to find another support system other than h temporarily.  He isn't in a good place to be supportive, which i had already done.  I found this family.      I feel abandoned.  I thank God every day that goes by for S not being in crisis mode.

[AnotherWon]

Glad I could help, if it was just listening!