BPD relationship. I got addicted to and then dumped by a Cluster B woman

[withborders]

addicted to a cluster B


i had a 2 intense year relationship BPD girl which i would rather define better as cluster B personality disorder. She fell in love with me very fast and made everything sound like we were meant for each other as written in the stars. That our love was fate and she always knew she was waiting to find me.  Not only did she know how to spin her web around me she spun everything.

I dont know if i should call it all lies or rather delusions from a sick person. She would do everything with me. She would let me do anything to her. Within the first week i was even doing BDSM sex with her and she played like she was experienced. Shortly later i found out she never did that and i did think that was strange but hey she was gorgeous so i rolled with everything and fell madly in love with her too. Sex was awesome and uninhibited. We had foreplay in public places. Anything you can imagine we probably did it.

Now the darkside. Her husband used to beat her badly. Even into the hospital 3 times. She left him for me after the last beating. Now i am man that hates violence against women so i was abliged to give her sanctuary. With the first week of her and i being together he killed himself. I had unanswered question about why and what happened including why was there domestic violence. She would reply with statements like "i always knew he do it".

Then a darkside within her started to become apparent. Drug abuse, self destructive, crazy mood changes, extreme jealousy and being tactile with male friends she knew during her marriage. Basically guys i didnt know and other guys. She was a fag hag bigtime.  I could not really come up with any evidence that she had been intimate with any of them but i did get suspicious. She would also have blowouts in public and smash beer bottles and glasses from time to time with a sort of temper tantrum. Seemed like strange things triggered that. Later it became apparent that she was using heroin. Although i do believe she tried to stop when she got with me heroin because first priority in her life and she was addicted. She tried to overdose herself once. Later she tried to suffocate herself and another time was trying to eat a bag of sleeping pills. Real suicide attempts or calls for attention. To this day i am not sure. Alot of times she was totally angelic and very intimate with me. I nursed her thru withdrawls many times feeling that i could take care of her and help her but i was wrong. She always returned to the habit within time.

Although we were very intimate and together most of the time she would also do disappearing acts from time to time which left me worrying about her. Mostly i dont think she ever empathized that she was hurting me. Later she would get the blowouts and direct her anger at me. Almost pulling me into domestic violence. She even blamed me for her X's suicide because nothing is ever her fault. The next day she would act like nothing happened and told me how much she loves me.

She would say things like this: i want you and only you. i love you more than anything. will you love me forever. im thinking of you all the time.

There are alot of websites that describe the traits of Borderline and Histrionic Personality Disorders. Example if she has childhood abandonment. If she freaks out for attention in public. If she hates rules. You might even discover these as a precursor to psychotic mental illiness that's coming down the road. Although you may become addicted to her.

If have a woman like this i suggest that you dont marry her and dont get her pregnant.

Her self destructiveness may ware off on you. You will get self destructive to and possibly suicidal when she is finished with you and leaves you with no closure. Thats what happened to me twice. She could tell you one day how much she really really loves you more than anything and the next day run off with another guy or just simply hate you. If you stay in the relationship you may eventually become a cuckold male when she starts having unscrupulous sex with other guys. She might be willing to have a gangbang and have you watch as she falls in love with multiple guys right in front of you. She might even run off with the best performer.

What you have to do is find another woman. Charm someone who deserves it. Treat them well and get that monster out of your life and your head. Although you better do it right because that monster might put a knife in your back. You thought you found the greatest love of your life but what you found was a psycho that gets a charge from intense short term relationships and she will have no empathy for you. Its a miracle mine lasted 2 years and now i got deep emotional scars to deal with because i became addicted to her and codependant and i thought i could save her. You cannot save them but hopefully you can save yourself.

Until they identify that they have a personality disorder they wont get help because they can never do anything wrong. i have even heard that some psychologists wont treat BPD because its impossible. Lastly i would like to say that i would be available to skype with anyone who is having trama and is need of someone to talk to. Do not kill yourself. If your male or female and need someone to talk to by i will be here to help you. Remember that there are other people that can properly love you in this world.

[Crazytoo]

<3

[withborders]

nobody has helped me here. i thought i would get over it easy but i am going down a downward spiral of self destruction. i cant get out of the horror loop. My fiance the love of my life had started a new exciting relationship

and made me a stranger. I am not successful at a rebound. She makes it look easy now on her honeymoon with someone else. I feel betrayed and abandoned. I am not angry with her. I keep dreaming that she will come back.

[LonelyChild]

nobody has helped me here. i thought i would get over it easy but i am going down a downward spiral of self destruction. i cant get out of the horror loop. My fiance the love of my life had started a new exciting relationship

and made me a stranger. I am not successful at a rebound. She makes it look easy now on her honeymoon with someone else. I feel betrayed and abandoned. I am not angry with her. I keep dreaming that she will come back.

Hi.

You're not going to get over it easy. I was in the same situation as you. But there comes a time when you realize you're worth more than what they're doing to you, and that you can manifest happines in your life on your own.

What can be given in text is merely support. Perhaps therapy can lend some progress, but even there it's mostly support. What needs to happen is for you to decide to stop ruminating over it and move on with your life. As someone who has been through it (and am now a happy person), I can PROMISE you that there are women out there waiting for you. Good, fun, intelligent and warm-hearted women. The sooner you give up this scrap of a human being and start working on yourself, the sooner they will be available to you.

I know you're feeling ugly, inadequate, weak, uninteresting. These are her projections onto you. Let them go. I went through it as well.

[gotbushels]

Hey withborders 

Welcome to the forums:) I'm sorry about the difficulty you're going through. Your story and mine share a lot of similarities.

I hope you can break out of this thing that your ex has put you in. There are many survivors here with stories like yours.

I look forward to hearing about how you decide to cope.

gb

[JQ]

Hi Withborders,

Welcome to the group ... .YOU are among friends who won't judge you for your thoughts or actions ... .but will assist you on your journey ... .we can't and won't walk it for you but we'll be there to hold out a hand to help you up when you stumble ... .and trust me you will stumble on your journey ... .we all have.  then we'll dust you off, straighten you up and let you decide what you do next on your journey ... .you can sit back down where you're at, continue down the path your currently on or take the path to the right and see where that leads you on your journey of self discovery. Come back as often as you need to ... .but more importantly come back as often as YOU want too. We're anonymous here ... .so feel free to speak your mind ... .be sure to read the references at the top of the page ... .and to the right -------------------------->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  

I would also recommend a good therapist who is well versed in BPD and codependent relationships ... .because chances are you're a lot like the rest of us here ... .a NON or a codependent ... .you're probably a perfectionist, the Sheriff wearing the white hat & badge riding in into town to defend the weak ... .you're the Knight in Amor protecting others who can't protect themselves ... .you're not much different then the rest of us.  The good news is that it's a learned behavior ... .most likely because of the house you grew up in ... .that's where the journey of self discovery comes in and helps you ... .looking back at your past you can adjust and affect your direction in life in the future.  YOU need to be proactive in your own recovery and healing ... .YOU have to take care of YOU!   YOU have to stop giving more then 51% of your mind, body & soul to those who will never return the effort ... .despite all your good intentions.

From your post you already seem well versed in the life of a BPD ... .that's 1/2 the fight ... .knowing that no matter what you say, no matter what you do, she'll never really understand what she means to you ... .so you need to work on yourself and work towards a "recovering Codependent" similar to a "recovering alcoholic" while always be fighting the temptation of the drink ... .you'll constantly be fighting the temptation to reach out to a BPD ... .to help them, protect them, perfect their world so that you'll get the love & friendship that you need and want ... .

So I'm not sure what you are wanting being in this forum of deciding or conflicting from reading your post ... .it sounds as if you have made the choice to separate ... .heal and move forward in your life without you BPD ... .in which case I commend you on your thinking through the choices you have and making a decision. So many wait months, years even decades ... .or never make the choice to improve their life.

I made a challenge so to speak a while back on a post ... .and I'll give you the same challenge ... .no matter where you live in the world you know of a place that would be awesome to watch the sun come up ... .in a park, on your patio, maybe close by ... .a walk or a short drive ... .so tomorrow morning ... .30-45 minutes before the sun rises ... .I want you to get up ... .take a shower ... .have that first cup of coffee, tea or morning beverage of choice ... .and take it with you out the door ... .I want you to look towards the east ... .watch as the night sky filled with stars start to give way to a new dawn ... .a new day ... .watch as the yellows, the oranges start to slowly take over the night sky beyond the horizon ... .take a deep breath ... .have a sip of your coffee, tea ... .look down for a minute and think about YOU for a moment ... .take a another deep breath ... .then look back up ... .now really see the yellows & oranges are brighter ... .the stars have faded ... .the dark sky's of night start to give way to the blue sky's of the morning ... .you hear the birds start to wake up ... .you look at the horizon and you see the sun break through ... .now the pinks start to come through ... .it gets brighter ... .the blues ... .the oranges and the yellows ... .it's the start of a new future for YOU ... .enjoy this moment ... .really take it in ... .and really enjoy it. See what others are sleeping through ... .

Then go for a walk with your new perspective ... .start with a mile ... .hell it only takes 15-20 minutes even at a slow pace ... .make it longer if you can. This does a couple of things for you ... .it reduces the stress on your body that you've been going through ... .it starts to introduce the good "tonins" into your body ... .in makes you smile ... .it  improves your outlook ... .it gives you positive energy to get through the day.  Then start get some good breakfast ... .start to eat right ... .stay away from the junk food ... .nothing good comes from that crap ... .not even  your poo    Keep your sense of humor!  Go to a funny movie ... .this helps with setting things right in your mind ... .laughter helps with depression without the cost of a therapist ... .    .   Be sure you're getting some sleep because chances are like the rest of us in the beginning you were sleeping well.  Sleep helps your mind and body repair itself from the day's mental and physical stresses ... .you don't do anyone especially yourself any good if you're not in the right frame of mind ... .do all these things and you're taking an active role in your own recovery!   

Take your time in finding "another woman" to share your time and life with.  You need to work on yourself first ... .you've got a great start ... .but as most of us will testify too, coming out of and recovering from a relationship with someone who has the Cluster B mental illness of BPD ... .it's going to be a tough uphill battle ... .but there are some of us here who have fought it ... .have come out with a couple of scars ... .but we're so much wiser for it ... .we have learned to take care of ourselves ... .that we need to give at least 51% of our effort to ourselves and not to someone else ... .any more then 51% then you'll going to eventually drain yourself completely of everything that is you ... .your mind, body and soul ... .how long will your battle last?  No 2 people are alike ... .and the more you take an active role in your own recovery ... .the faster it will happen ... .when you wake up one morning ... .and maybe it'll happen when you see the sun come up while the city sleeps ... .you'll have your moment ... .some call it the "aha moment" ... .some call it "come to Jesus moment" ... .whatever you want to call it ... .you'll know it ... .and you'll never be the same after it!

As LonelyChild has said, there is a good hearted, good soul woman out there ... .and when you're right with yourself ... .then it will happen.  Like a lot of us WB, you're a good kind soul ... .

On your journey of self discovery ... .you'll have to look deep into your past to find out why you are the NON aka "care giver / codependent" that you are ... .you might not like what you find at first ... .but trust me ... .in the end of this journey you will see things so crystal clear ... .things will get better WB ... .they ALWAYS get better!   It's not about the "rebound' ... .it's about repairing yourself ... .then the meaningful, mutually respectful, caring relationship will follow when you least expect it ... .YOU are strong enough to make this happen!  YOU can do this ... .not for her ... .not for your friends ... .or us ... .YOU can and NEED to do this for YOURSELF !  and you will! 

JQ