Help Please.

[sad-mom]

Hello, I am a mother of a beautiful girl in her mid twenties.  I love my daughter with all my heart and I know she knows that, but she has cut me out of her life.  It feels like she has died and I'm going through the stages of grief.   The pain is awful! 

Last year she told me she was going to a therapist and she told me that she sees people as being either all good or all bad.  She also confessed to me that she is lying a lot and she told me that it had gotten out of control.  I was proud of her for being mature enough to go to therapy and to be brave enough to admit to me that she has been lying.   However, out of the blue, she sent me a text message telling me that I'm selfish and she's been learning a lot about narcisstic personality disorder (NPD).  She stopped all contact with me and won't return my phone calls or texts.  Then recently, she sent me a text out of the blue asking me if I was ok and telling me that she loved me.  Since then, there has been nothing.   

I looked up NPD and came across borderline personality disorder.  I think my daughter may have this.  She twists what I say or do and she seems to lie about me and I think she is believing her own lies.  I have to be so careful about what I say to her as she takes offense from nothing.     I don't know what to do.   I don't care what she has done or said, I love her and want her back in my life.  What can I do.  Should I keep reaching out or should I wait and hope that she will come back to me?  Please help.  Any advice is appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DPT]

I am so very sorry you are experiencing this kind of rejection. Unfortunately that is what this disease does. My daughter is 38 and has been doing this for years. Read everything you can on this site. It is a cycle with BPD. Take this time to learn as much as you can, so when the next time rolls around you are not caught by surprise. The first time is the most traumatic and I know the pain you are experiencing. "This too shall pass." Many hugs and support coming your way.

[Eyeamme]

SadMom, I have a 34 year old uBPD daughter. I haven't talked to her in 4 months now. I could have written your post. You are not alone. Read everything you can on here. I am sorry you are going through this too.

[sad-mom]

Thank You!  Your comments help so much.  I feel like I'm going through this all by myself.  When someone is physically ill, you get lots of support from family and friends but when someone has a mental illness, you get nothing.  My family, who live overseas, do not seem to understand and I almost feel as if they doubt me when I tell them what is going on.  It is as if I'm being judged and they are wondering what I did to my daughter to cause her to reject me.   Anyway, thank you again.     

[lbjnltx]

You may actually be going through the grieving process... .Disenfranchised grief.

Take a look at this info and see if it rings true for you, it did for me:

Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One

What do you think?

lbj

[wendydarling]

Hi sad-mom, so pleased you are here with us, you are not alone . I have found that I've had to take the lead in educating one of my sisters because she is not learning on her own about BPD, it's not that she does not care, she just seems to need 'feeding' in a supportive way. I send links, books, regular email updates, phone calls, Skype etc and validate her responses. I have one child she has four children - and two daughter in laws, one with bi-polar and one that appears as BPD, but she has not yet shared their diagnosis.  It appears for now my sister can't see past protecting her sons and grand daughters from the behaviours, they are bad mothers, women, she is scared   So while you feel alone, my belief is my role is to speak out and pave a road of acceptance for my child and her daughter in laws .  Tricky!

I agree it's hard when people doubt us and it's hard for our children too ... .my daughter opened a recent blog with; Saying “Why are you depressed? Your life is great” is like saying “What do you mean you have asthma? There is plenty of air in here.”

As lbj says we grieve, it's a process, at a guess I'm a quarter way through.

WDx

[DPT]

You people are so incredible! I am so blessed to be part of this group. When I read your post about family members not recognizing there is an issue hit so close to my heart. Pain and anger that I thought I had forgotten about came flooding up. My dd is also a pathological liar, to the point of telling my mother and sisters I was out drinking and leaving my two younger children at home (I was a single parent) The truth of the matter was I had fallen, stepping on the dogs tennis ball, and broken my foot. The entities summer I was at home, with my foot in a cast and elevated to keep it from swelling. My sisters actually accused me of being an "unfit" mother, and threatened to take my other two children. This was probably 12 years ago, but I just stifled the pain and went on with life. I have not thought about the incident in years until this post.

[somuchlove]

You are not alone.  You have found a wonderful place here.  So many smart and caring people that have and are living what you are right now.  It is so hard to not feel people that you need for support don't support you.  It is so hard with mental illness. It is easy to tell someone they have a physical illness and they seek help.  Mental illness is totally the other way. 

Read all you can and write for help when you need to.  If you can have some of your family, if not to help your daughter but help you read it as well.  I use to get so tired of hearing people tell me,  Take care of yourself.  How the HECK ! can I do that when it seemed that if I could solve my dd problems I would be fine.  They are right,  I did find a counselor that gave me much support.  I didn't agree with her sometimes, as she didn't give me the advice I wanted to hear either.  I realized I didn't have and couldn't have all the magical answers, the right words to say.  It is a process we all go through over and over.

[sad-mom]

Somuchlove - Thank you for your words of support and advice.  It helps a lot!

DPT - I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through and I can totally relate.  It is so hard to have anyone make up lies about you but it is so much worse when it is someone you love.   It also is really confusing.  Why do they do this to the people who love them?  I hope you have resolved your issues with your loved one.   Sending warm wishes your way.

wendydarling - Thank you for sharing your experience.  I wish I could educate my sister about BPD like you do but I hear the silence on the other end of the phone and know that she doesn't believe me.  She also doesn't really know my daughter, because she lives in a different country.  She just remembers what she was like as a little girl and she was a really good little girl. I wish you all the best with what you are going through and hope that knowing others care will help lessen your own burden a little.

lbj- Thank you!  I really feel that I am going through the grieving process.  I checked the link you gave me.  For me, denial was the begging stage.  I sent texts to my daughter apologizing for anything I may have done or not done and begging her to call me, talk to me, or respond to my texts.  Then, when I received nothing, I became angry.  Angry at her therapist for possibly telling her I have Narcisstic Personality Disorder.  How can she diagnose someone she has never met?  How can she destroy my relationship with my daughter?  Then, I became angry at my daughter.  How can she be so ungrateful?  How can she not remember everything I did for her and gave her?  Then, I became angry at her new husband and wondered if he was poisoning her against me.  Finally, I became angry at my husband, her step-dad.  He was so cold and distant toward my daughter and he was sometimes mean to her.  Now, I'm just sad!  Extremely sad. I don't want to bring my husband down but the pain is at times, unbearable.

Thank you all again for sharing your thoughts, opinions and advice.  You have no idea how much you help. 

[DPT]

I haven't resolved the issues with my family, but that is on me. I get along with my sisters fine, but due to all the previous judging me, I have been able to put it in its place and move on. I am not close to them or my mom at my choosing, I will see my sisters on an individual basis, but I won't attend family functions. They are very close and I think that is wonderful, but because of all the lies and betrayal at the hands of my daughter over the past 30 years I am not comfortable in a group setting. The more I learn about this disease it is like the blinders gave been removed. I don't think my daughter meant to destroy my relationship with them, but it was her way of seeking validation, by getting someone "on her side" and against her mother. That is ok, my heart it pure, I have done all I can.

[Eyeamme]

DPT,

I totally identify. I keep telling myself that my reality is just as real as anyone else's. It isn't our job in life to defend ourselves.

J.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

The more I learn about this disease it is like the blinders gave been removed. I don't think my daughter meant to destroy my relationship with them, but it was her way of seeking validation, by getting someone "on her side" and against her mother. That is ok, my heart it pure, I have done all I can.

It has been my experience, reading stories here for years on all the boards, that this is indeed the reason people who suffer with BPD usually do this.

[Noteliz]

Thank You!  Your comments help so much.  I feel like I'm going through this all by myself.  When someone is physically ill, you get lots of support from family and friends but when someone has a mental illness, you get nothing.  My family, who live overseas, do not seem to understand and I almost feel as if they doubt me when I tell them what is going on.  It is as if I'm being judged and they are wondering what I did to my daughter to cause her to reject me.   Anyway, thank you again.     

Interestingly my family all live overseas, too, but probably on your side. I live in Italy and am trying to learn to deal with my 23 year old daughter who had BPD. I've tried to talk to my sister and mother about this but, even though it's through Whatapp or email, I can "see" the glazed look in their eyes as soon as I mention it. So, no help there.

I have been alone dealing with this since she was 3 and this site and forum are, so far, the most help I have ever gotten. I know there are a lot of people here who understand my pain.

I wish you the best. I know it's hard. 

[DPT]

Oh I absolutely agree and feel the exact same way. I have a best friend that has been my best friend for 54 years. She has known and love my children since they were born, she sees the illness in my daughter, has never judged me. It is so refreshing to have one other person believe in me. I am so thankful for her.